Monday, January 31, 2011

Barney the Purple Dinosaur Picks up his Chinese Take Out Order

Finally!  The video that you have all been waiting for.  Barney and the Chinese Take Out Order!

Now, because of the fact that I am too stupid to figure out how to edit three videos into one, you will be blessed to see three separate videos.  This first video is of me ordering the Chinese food over the phone as Barney.  As you can see, the Barney suit is tattered and torn into something that resembles Barney's evil cousin, Larry. This Barney costume is over 20 years old and has been used in numerous gags just like this over the years.  Needless to say, this Barney suit has had quite the history.

The next video was taken by a ten-year-old neighbor girl that went into the Chinese place with me and my son.  I was very worried that the owner would call the police thinking I was going to rob the place.  I thought if I brought a couple kids in with me, they would be less likely to call the police.  I was very nervous - much more nervous than my other stunts, in fact.  It did not help that the girl that was working the register was extremely attractive and not amused at all.  Anyway, I apologize for the spinning, but it was a hidden camera held by a ten-year-old.

Finally, my wife took this video as she waited out in the car.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

How Taco Bell SHOULD respond.

Dear Mr. Dee Miles,

We understand that you have recently brought fourth a class action lawsuit against Taco Bell, Inc. for lack of real beef in our tacos.

First of all, you do realize you are eating at Taco Bell, no?  Simply by entering our fine establishment, you are admitting that you are accepting of crappy food.

Secondly, we can assure you that our meat is 100% real.  We can not promise that it is fresh.  We can not promise that it won't give you diarrhea.  We can not promise that it tastes good.  Heck, we can't even guarantee what kind of animal it comes from.  But this we can promise: it's definitely some sort of meat.

Your frivolous lawsuit has no merit. Remember when Wendys was sued for that human finger in their chilli?  Or when McDonalds was sued for serving their coffee too hot?  Now THOSE were lawsuits with some chutzpah!  I mean please... call us when our soda machine starts dispensing human blood.

Really, suing for a "fake product"?!  No ones suing KFC for their fake mashed potatoes, and I'm fairly sure that Hooters is almost entirely fake.

We look forward to seeing this frivolous lawsuit dropped.


Taco Bell, Inc.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Disneyland is not for the faint of heart, unless their heart faintness allows them to ride a scooter around the place.

I realize you have been waiting on pins and needles for my return (for those readers that are receiving acupuncture at this time, even more so) and my much-needed hiatus has come to a much-needed end.

 It's time for this man to do a little writing for "humor's" sake and I use that term loosely as I can barely be considered a "man".  And you need not worry, for I have been on-assignment in the Magically Kingdomy Kingdom.  I took my writing pad to scribble notes of the "thoughts" I had throughout the day.  ("Thoughts" is in quotes  because, well, it seemed fitting.)

The following is a minute-by-minute account of the thoughts running through my head as I ventured through the "Happiest Place on Earth". (Which is exactly what the old man that we saw tip over on his scooter and land on his face likely referred to it as.)

9:00 AM: Wow, hardly a line at all to get in.  Must be expecting a slow day today.

9:01 AM: Nevermind. 

9:10 AM: In line for Toy Story Mania with hundreds of others. I wonder if they donate these 3D glasses to poor 3D movie theaters when they are done with them?

9:20 AM: Back in line for Toy Story Mania.  Apparently, my wife has caught a bad case of the Mania.

9:40 AM: I bet the guy in the Woody costume totally gets hit on by a lot of moms. 

10:00 AM: In line for Soarin' Over California. We drove here so this will be California from a whole new perspective. 

10:20 AM: Disappointed that I am not soarin' over Fresno, the crown jewel of California.

10:30 AM: This Monsters Inc. ride strangely makes me hungry.

10:45 AM: Five Dollars for a friggin' Churro?  I wouldn't pay that if the Churro was two feet long!

10:48 AM: This Churro is delicious.

10:50 AM: A 13 minute line to ride the Tower of Terror?  I'm in.

11:03 AM: That Churro was not a good idea.

11:30 AM: Listening to a turtle named Crush talk to kids.   Can't imagine anything being more entertaining.

12:00 PM: Twelve bucks for a crappy burger and soda?!  I'd rather starve.

12:05 PM: This burger is not good. 

12:35 PM: 40 minutes to ride Peter Pan?!  Who in their right mind would wait...

1:15 PM: LOOK SON, we're FLYING!

1:16 PM: Note to Self: When opening own amusement park, make your rides dangle from the ceiling and you immediately increase wait times by an average of 30 minutes. 

1:30 PM: If the world was Disney-ized, I'd buy stock in the suspender industry.

1:35 PM: If I was a giant, NO WAY I'm drinking out of those teacups. All that butt sweat. 

1:45 PM: Maybe I'll luck out like last year and get a buzz from the second hand pot smoke in this Alice In Wonderland ride.

1:55 PM: Nope.

2:05 PM: This Autopia ride would be perfect if my four-year-old wasn't slamming our car into the rail over and over and over. 

2:25 PM: Yep, Space Mountain still rules. 

3:05 PM: I just saw Busy Phillips get off the Big Thunder Mountain with a Disney escort.  Who is Busy Phillips?  How do I even know who she is?!  Also, Disney escorts probably do not like to be referred to as "escorts".  They probably prefer "Paid Princesses", but really, we all know what they really do.

3:30 PM: Oh my goodness, did that Story Book Ride male cast member just say to my son, "Get off the railing, little prince.  Don't want any Humpty Dumpties today."

4:00 PM: It's a Small World is closed today which makes me question the actual size of the world right now.

4:05 PM: Not even in his most drunken days with the Paid Princesses would Walt Disney construct this nightmarish monstrosity known as "Toon Town". 

4:30 PM: I've heard rumors that Walt Disney's frozen head is stored in the basement of this Haunted Mansion which would explain why my ice cubes seemed a tad bit salty this afternoon.

4:45 PM:  Whinny the Pooh is not worthy of his own ride. Grow a backbone Whinny.  And what happened to those singing bears?  The one that played the banjo... ha ha! 

5:00 PM: Okay, I am officially exhausted.

5:15 PM If you are a woman over the age of 12 and are wearing a tiara or have your face painted like a fairy in Disneyland, you are not cute, you are pathetic and that is why you are here with your "friends" instead of a date.

5:25 PM: Same thing goes for men wearing Indiana Jones hats. 

5:30 PM: Unless you are actually Indiana Jones.

5:45 PM: This Jungle Cruise Guide sucks.  Hand over the mike, loser.  

5:46 PM: Nevermind.  He has a gun.  

6:00 PM: Holy crap, this robotic Mr. Lincoln is as boring as I remember as a kid.  

6:30 PM: Wow, I am so tired.  We should totally go try that Alice In Wonderland ride again. 

6:45 PM: Do the Tiki Room birds have had their wings clipped?  Why would they stay in this musky, putrid room for 40 years, singing the same songs over and over?

7:00 PM: Time to go. The boys have begun slapping each other's foreheads in line in attempt to put me over the edge.  It has worked.

7:15 PM: Another fine day in the Happiest Place on Earth.  Easily the best $5,362 I have ever spent.

I just returned.  I promise to get around and visit as many blogs as I can ASAP.

Friday, January 14, 2011

500 Followers! YAHOO! (Not a plug for Yahoo site, but rather a exclamation of excitement.)

Hello all,

Well, 500 followers could not have come at a worse time.  I am currently on my way to the Happiest Place On Earth with the fam (I know you're jealous Tammy) and so the Blog O' Cheese will be on hiatus for the next week or so.

If we are both lucky, I will be able to do a post or two while standing in line for that dreaded tea cup ride.  If you are even more lucky, I will post a picture of my vomit after the ride for you.

It is only fitting that my 500th follower is my best friend, Steve.  It's about time he jump aboard the Cheese train.

I promise, upon my return, sometime shortly after January 24, I will be ordering the Chinese and picking it up in my Barney costume.

That is, as long as my followership does not drop below 500.

Bless you all for your continued readershipdom.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

This Month in Cheeseboy Facebook Status Updates

Unicorn photo for your enjoyment.
As you may know, I put a lot of thought into my facebook status updates.  Sometimes, they are well received and occasionally they bomb.  But I like to share the favorites with you, my beloved blog readers because hey, that's just what kinda guy I am.

I give you a rundown of the recent favorites.

1-11-11 at 7:50 PM: If you think today, 1-11-11 was cool, just wait for February 22, 2222!

1-11-11 at 7:06 PM: Salmonella sounds like a horrible thing to get - - unless you are a fish, in which case it sounds like a delicious dessert.

1-8-11 at 12:08 PM: The soldiers rode toward the castle - swords drawn, ready for battle.  As they came over the mountain, they saw that the castle was guarded by 1,000 men.  Kevin then said, "I've got a bad feeling.  A really bad feeling!" It was at that moment that they realized that they had forgotten to put a seat on Kevin's bicycle.

1-7-11 at 3:51 PM: The unicorn already felt very weird about his school class taking a field trip to the glue factory.  But once they reached the glitter glue room, he felt the sudden urge to vomit.

1-7-11 at 7:32 AM: Contrary to popular opinion at the time, unicorns did not make good petting zoo animals.

-- (It was because of all the eye stabbings.)--

1-6-11 at 7:29 PM: The two television shows I'd LOVE to see combined????
Wipeout and The Jersey Shore.

1-6-11 at 7:12 PM: Let it be known that on January 6, 2011, millions of homeless Americans nationwide began working on their "radio voice".

1-5-11 at 7:26 PM: Congratulations to Salt Lake City for winning the million dollar Walmart foodbank challenge! The next time you go into Walmart, give the greeter an extra long, loving hug.  When the greeter asks what that was for, wink at them and say, "You know what."

1-5-11 at 4:12 PM: Women: Instead of buying Shape Up shoes, you should invest in building new buildings with curved floors.  That way, soon all of us will be walking around with thinner thighs and tighter butts.

1-4-11 at 6:52 PM: There is no shame in being the first woman kicked out of 'The Bachelor' house.  No, the shame should have come when you were filling out the application to be on the show.

1-3-11 at 4:51 PM: Of all the Peanuts characters, Peppermint Patty definitely looks like she has been to the most Lilith Fairs.

1-2-11 at 12:50 PM: BEAUTIFUL MAN AWARD! I have received this award for being a beautiful man.  I awarded it to myself and I will not be passing it on.  I think I am beautiful inside and out.  I am a man.  I am a beautiful man.  That is all.

1-1-11 at 10:12 AM: Saw on the news that Baby Jessica from the well is like 22 now.  Someone should totally hook her up with a Chilean miner.  So much in common.

12-30-10 at 11:45 AM: Saw a preview of the new Justin Bieber movie yesterday at the movies.  It's the inspiring story of his "life" and "accomplishments". I can't wait for Part 2 where he gets arrested for DUI and checks into rehab.

12-24-10 at 8:07 PM: All year long I manage to avoid fixing stuff and putting crap together and then on Christmas Eve I am supposed to magically turn into a friggen' Al Borland?!

12-24-10 at 9:18 AM: I have removed all the mistletoe from the premises. No way is Santa Claus kissing my wife tonight.  I think the cookies and milk are enough, you handsy perv.

12-15-10 at 9:29 PM: Our four-year-old son told us tonight that we celebrate Christmas "because of Jesus's burp."

And finally, tonight's...

1-12-11 at 5:30 PM: One of my first graders told me today that her grandpa died, "because he was so old".  I told her I was very sorry.  She said, "Actually, I am a little - - just a little bit happy about it."  I asked her why (thinking she would say something about heaven) and she said, "Well, you know... all that slobber!"

Monday, January 10, 2011

A Creepy Love Letter From Prairie Dawn to The Count.

My Beloved, Sexy and Mathematically Inclined Count,

You probably don't know who I am.  Maybe you have seen me around?  My name is Prairie Dawn.  I am the girl that walks around the street with the high, pitchy voice.  Some guys (Grover*)  have told me it is cute.

You once included me in one of your counts when you were counting pink people.

Anyway, I am totally in love with you!  I know it sounds weird, but I have been reading and watching a lot of Twilight lately and I now know that vampires can be sensual and esoteric.    

I know you are totally too old for me, but isn't Edward like 4,000 years older than Bella or something? Surely, you would know...  I mean, you are so good with numbers.  I've always loved that about you.

My sweet, sweet Count - every time I think of you I get this strange feeling.  And no, it's not the usual strange feeling I get either. You know?  That feeling... that someone has their hand in your face, and is making you talk. I hate that.

I dreamt about you last night, Count. **You had your shirt off and your chest was glistening as you stood on top of Oscar's garbage can and counted pigeons.  You were breathtaking.

I hope you don't think I am creepy, but I have been watching you from my bedroom window for a few months now. I love the way you walk through the street and count Big Birds feathers and Mr. Snuffaluffagus's turds***.  And your laugh... "Ah ha ha ha"... it's intoxicating.  

I've weighed the pros and cons of falling in love with a vampire.  Sure, you might kill me and count my organs in your basement****, but it beats falling in love with a that sloppy pig, Cookie Monster.
By the way, if you want me, you best hurry.  Barkley the Dog***** has shown some interest in me recently and you should see the size of his six pack!  I mean, come on, I'm only human.

If you want me, I'll be sitting on the porch.  I'll be the one wearing the dress covering the hand going up my backside. 


Prairie Dawn

PS: You know, I LOVE Bert and Ernie, but I will totally understand if you are, you know, like that.  I mean, to be honest, it wouldn't surprise me in the least.   After all, you do wear a monocle.

*Grover is only considered a "guy" on Sesame Street.  On any other street, he is considered a sissy.

**Another sentence that I doubt has ever been blogged in the history of blogging.

*** Snuffaluffagus's street turds are cleaned up daily by that creepy garbage man that carries Oscar around.

****Ironic because The Count actually HAS an organ in his basement that he uses to count!

*****Barkley the Dog was the closest character I could think of on Sesame Street related to a werewolf.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

A Romantic Evening with Cheeseboy (Or "How to Woo that Special Someone")

Generally, I do not write about my personal love life with the little lady, but I thought my readers would be interested in what kind of an ultra romantic I can be. Plus, I think my amazing skills might prove helpful to some of my male readers.  Thus, I give to you, "A Romantic Eve with Cheeseboy."  

Gentlemen, I always start the evening with some soft, saucy music to set the mood.  Something groovy like Marvin Gaye or maybe that second Glee soundtrack will always set a romantic groove.  Occasionally I will even offer my wife one of my iPod earbuds.

After listening to a couple songs, we sit down for a fancy candlelit dinner.  I must admit, it takes nearly three hours to cook those microwave dinners over candlelight, but nothing is too much work for my honey.  It also fills the room with a vivid, burnt plastic scent.

I never shave my chest for a date with my wife.  In fact, I will often straighten my chest hair using her own hair straightener.  (Trust me men, she LOVES this.)

My motto is to treat the little lady right, and that is why I always sit her down for an after dinner foot massage.  She spends at least a half an hour working around my bunions and then she runs her fingers through my toe hair. It's amazing.

She looks amazing and it's now time to treat my sweetie to some of my famous dessert.  My wife loves my mousse and I save it precisely for these impassioned moments.  Now, the secret to this magically romantic mousse is peeling that plastic lid thing off the container.  (If you want to give your honey a little "extra", be sure to lick the mousse off the back of the plastic ever so provocatively.)

My next move to woo my tender lady is taking her out for a starry-eyed carriage ride through the downtown lights.  We cuddle close and pull a blanket over us as we soak in the moment together. The only slightly awkward part is trying to get out of those tiny stroller seats when it is over.

The carriage ride is guaranteed to put that special woman in a amorous mood. That's when I know it is time to head home. Upon entering our home, I like to carry my special lady through the door as a romantic gesture.  And I'll tell you - she looks beautiful in the moonlight, sitting in that wheelbarrow.  

Finally, the time has come for the Cheeseboy to WORK HIS MAGIC!  I retire to the den where I do a quick change into something a little magical and then return with a saw, a rabbit and a top hat.  Nothing quite excites my wife like a little slight of hand and playing-card illusion.

As the evening winds down, there just might be some time left for a little something special.  My beloved companion will almost always change into something a little more "comfortable".  She looks stunning in her old sweatpants and fruffy hoodie. I put on my nicest pair of work socks.  And that... that my friends, is when the real magic happens.  

There you are men. You have now been trained and tutored in the ways of love. 

 You're welcome.

Ladies, feel free to present your partner with this guide to help him rev up the romance in your relationship. 

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Cheeseboy's Top 40 Albums of 2010

For those looking for comedy today, feel free to skip this post, but please promise to return next time for merriment and jollyhood.

This is my second annual top albums list.  I make no apologies for my list, for I like what I like. I will, however, have you know that I am not a professional music critic or even consider myself musically literate.  But I like what I like and this is what I liked in 2010. If you'd like to see my list from 2009, click here. 

Honorable Mention: The Gaslight Anthem - American Slang
Nothing wrong with a little straight up rock and roll sometimes.

40. Wolf Parade - Expo 86
A bit twangy for my taste, but a solid album.

39. Interpol - Interpol
A solid effort, but not their best by a long shot. 

38. LCD Soundsystem - This Is Happening
Celebrated by actual critics, this album never caught on fully with me, but enough to make the list.

37. The Apples In Stereo - Travelers In Space And Time
Not a lot of catchy pop hooks as usual in this collection of songs, but they are good even at their worst.

36. Fang Island - Fang Island
More musical than lyrical, there are moments of brilliance. 

35. Caribou - Swim
Best electronic album of the year in a year not filled with many.

34. Broken Bells - Broken Bells
Half The Shins, half above average. A couple greats songs, the rest are forgettable. 

33. Marina And The Diamonds - The Family Jewels
Catchy, poppy and fun, the highest female led band on my list this year.

32. Of Montreal - False Priest
Some of the most bizarre lyrics I have ever heard, but I have always been drawn to the bizarre.

31. Ra Ra Riot - The Orchard
They kinda went soft for this 2nd album and it worked, but not nearly as well.

30. Delta Spirit - History From Below
Probably deserves to be higher. Consistently strong from beginning to end.

29. Frightened Rabbit - The Winter Of Mixed Drinks
For those that would like to see Wolf Parade and Tokyo Police Club mixed. 

28. Foals - Total Life Forever
Original guitar sounds and riffs and more original vocals make for a cool sound.

27. Spoon - Transference
Spoon always puts out hip and upbeat rock and this one fits the bill.

26. Surfer Blood - Astro Coast
An infusion of surf sound bands this year and this one was one of the best.

25. The Drums - The Drums
An infusion of surf sound bands this year and this one WAS the best.

24. Weezer - Hurley
Loved it at first, but it never really grew on me. Won't be one of Weezer's best, but still good.

23. OK Go - Of The Blue Colour Of The Sky
With the great videos, people forget that these guys and jam. And well.

22. Gorillaz - Plastic Beach
So much talent on this album. Not as great as hoped, but still very, very good.

21. Maps & Atlases - Perch Patchwork
Best male voice of the year in this band!

20. New Pornographers - Together
Pop/Indie at it's best. 

19. Hot Chip - One Life Stand
Best Hot Chip album so far by far.

18. Efterclang - Magic Chairs
A little strange, but a powerful and well produced album.

17. Yeasayer - Odd Blood
Took me awhile to warm up to this one, but then I realized how many truly great songs there are on it.

16. Brandon Flowers - Flamingo
This album was somewhat hated by critics, but I loved the solo project by The Killers frontman.

15. Belle & Sabastian - Write About Love
Mellow to the core. 70's, cheesy mellow, in fact.  But I can't get enough.

14. Minus The Bear - Omni
They sound almost identical to Foals, but I like their songs more. 

13. Band Of Horses - Infinite Arms
My least favorite Band Of Horses album. Says a lot that it is still this high on this list.

12. Cloud Cult - Light Chasers
A latecomer to this list; the best use of string instruments I've ever heard in a rock band.

11. Neon Trees - Habits
Local Utah band hits the big time!  Well deserved too. This album is awesome. 

10. Tokyo Police Club - Champ
Perplexingly addictive album. I have worn it out on the iPod. 

9. Matt & Kim - Sidewalks
My friend (Spencer) says it sounds overly produced, I say I love the new sound! You decide.

8. Arcade Fire - The Suburbs
Many lists have this #1. I just can't put it that high, despite the million times I've listened.

7. Rogue Wave - Permalight
More upbeat and catchy than their other albums, even my boys sang along to these tunes. 

6. Dr. Dog - Shame, Shame
Their 60's sound is smooth and such a welcome break from the norm. This might be their best.

5. Mates Of State - Crushes
An album of covers this high?  Why yes, when it is this good, which it is.

4. Mumford And Son - Sigh No More
The music on this album flows perfectly from one song to the next and is terrific. I am so glad they are finding a larger audience.

3. Shout Out Louds - Work
Very likely my favorite band put out this album with three superb songs, 5 good ones and 2 average ones.

2. Vampire Weekend - Contra
Had a hard time not placing this album #1, but the one ahead of it is just a twitch better.

1. The National - High Violet
The actual critics agree with me on this one. This album rocks from beginning to end and will likely stand as the highest peak for The National.  It is also my most listened to album of 2010.  The National, I bow to thee. 

Sunday, January 2, 2011

If Baby Jesus Was Born Today...

Note: I meant this as a Christmas post, but got busy with things.  Hopefully, it is not too late for it still to be considered funny.

If Baby Jesus Was Born Today...

Wise Man 1: We Three Kings of Orient are bearing gifts we traverse afar.

Joseph: Why are you talking like that? Is a traverse like a trampoline?

Wise Man 2: We have brought gifts for the King!

Joseph: How did you find us?

Wise Man 3: Field and mountain, moor and mountain, following yonder star.

Joseph: That?  Oh that's a spotlight from the Haunted House going on next door.

Wise Man 1: Oh. Well, it was very telling as to your location.

Wise Man 2: We have brought gifts.  Gifts for the King!

Joseph: Hold on.  Let me go get Marry.

[Mary enters]

Mary: Welcome. Before you give the gifts, I must first examine them.

Wise Man 1: Gold I bring to crown him again.

Mary: Gold? He is three years old, you know.

Wise Man 1: Yes, gold I bring.  Gold I bring to crown him again.

Marry: And where was this gold manufactured?

Wise Man 1: The Orient.

Mary: Is there lead in the gold?  Is it tainted with lead?

Wise Man 1: Uh, uh... I know not.

Mary: You better keep it until you find out. I don't want my kid sucking on some block of gold that's tainted with lead.

Wise Man 2: Frankincense to offer have I. Incense owns a Deity nigh

Marry: Frankincense?  Now, what is that exactly?

Wise Man 2: Frankincense is resin from the Boswellia tree.

Mary: And what is my child supposed to do with this Frankincense?

Wise Man 2: If you light it, it creates a very sweet incense.

Mary: Call us old fashioned, but we try and keep him away from second hand smoke, even of the incense variety. And he isn't about to start playing with matches.

Wise Man 2: What then shall I do with the Frankincense?

Mary: I suggest you burn it yourself.  But I am beginning to question you three and your "wisdom".

Wise Man 3: Myrrh is mine, it's bitter perfume breathes of life of gathering gloom.

Marry: Gathering gloom?  I do not like the sound of that.  And why are you all singing your gifts?

Wise Man 3:  No, no.  Myrrh is resin that has great medicinal value.

Mary: Medicinal value?  Does it have a safety cap?

Wise Man 3: A safety cap? What is the meaning of this safety cap?

Mary: Maybe you guys should go.

Wise Man 3: Wait, did I mention that it can also be used for embalming?

Mary: Yeah, I think you should definitely go.  You can come back when you rethink your gifts to a little bit.

Wise Man 1: Well, how will we know where to find you?

Joseph: Look for the Haunted House spotlight.

Wise Man 2: You mean the star?

Joseph: They call you guys the "wise men"?