Wednesday, March 31, 2010

A Q&A with the Cheeseboy ("Q&A" stands for "Question and Answers". I know this because I looked it up)

I will often get emails from across the land regarding the mysterious man known only as "Cheeseboy". I've given a few much thought in the ways of thinking and such and have thus decided to answer a few on this day.

From Beatrice Junnison of Harlotton Township, Georgia:

Q: Who are some of your life heroes?

A: Well, of course there is Ricky Martin and Clay Aiken for having the courage to announce what we all knew ten years ago.

But really, I'd say the first guy that ever put in contact lenses has to be my number 1 hero. Back then, the contacts were made of actual glass. What if someone handed you a small piece of glass and told you to stick it in your eye because it would make you see better; and no one else had tried it?

To me, that is the very definition of "hero". My hats off to you, Mr. First Contact Lense Man.

From Sherman Hopeswattle of Heartyback, Virginia:
Q: Which celebrity male does your wife find most attractive?

A: I am a little perturbed at your line of questioning, Mr. Hopeswattle. In fact, your overly personal inquiry has me wanting to hunt you down with my John Locke knives and... ask your wife that same question. How would it make you feel? My wife's fake love interests are none of your business and I hold them in the highest degree of confidentiality.

However, while we are on the subject, she once told me she found Ben Stiller to be attractive, which actually explains a lot about her attraction to me. Either she has a thing for freakishly hairy, awkward Jewish guys OR she falls for the funny man. I have a feeling it is actually a combination of both.

However, this theory does not explain her other celebrity crush, Patrick Swayze. He was neither funny, hairy or Jewish. What did that guy have going for him anyway?

I've got it! My wife falls for men that are: 1. freakishly hairy, awkward Jewish guys OR 2. funny men OR 3. guys that can dance. I am a wickedly whimsical dancer. (I'm sort of a combination of Usher and 'The Nard Dog'. Definitely more of the Andy Bernard than Usher though)

From Shaunita Sloppingpants of Carney, California:
Q: How do you stay in such great shape?

A: I mix up my routine. Besides jogging, I do a lot of kegels while I watch tv. ("Kegels" is when you sit on the couch and flex your back while you watch TV, right? Dang, I started watching that Dr. Oz at just a minute or two too late)

Besides the jogging and the daily kegels, I also stay limber by daily light saber fights with my First Graders and swinging on the rope in the gym.

As far as my diet goes, I am able to maintain my stomach mass by supplementing water with large amounts of Pepsi and Mt. Dew. I also sit almost constantly on my couch, which really works the buttocks. So between the kegels and the buttock sitting, I could probably almost cut out the jogging all together.

From Kelvin H. Samhawer of Franklin, Idaho:
Q: Is that cartoon man in your header an exact likeness of you?

A: Why yes, yes it is. I look exactly like that.

Now if you will excuse me, I need to get back to my kegel exercises. Remarkably, I find that they also do wonders for my dancing!

Happy Birthday Calder!

Happy Birthday to my favorite 4 year old CALDER!

Here he is with his older brother the other day, playing "beauty shop hair" with is mom. Perhaps my proudest moment as a father! So glad I walked in on THIS. Ugh. I asked if they wanted to go toss the ball around in the back awhile, but they were to engulfed in the salon business.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Do people think we are poor or is it just magical furniture unicorns? A mystery to be sure.

About 6 months ago, we returned from Saint George (named after the patron saint "George" who was known for his infinite wisdom in the ways of strip malls and long lines at the In and Out Burger), to find this on our front porch.

An old, rusty stove and a torn living chair.

A loving gift from someone that cares?
Was our front porch mistaken for a Deseret Industries drop off point?
How poor do people think we are?
A twisted prank by a neighborhood prank pervert?
Did my stalker finally buy the furniture she promised me?
Perhaps an RC Willey truck full of old, crappy furniture was accidentally left open and the furniture happened to roll onto our porch in perfect position?
Could it be that an illiterate used furniture salesman thought our "Ute fans live here" sign hanging from our mailbox actually said "Leave torn furniture on porch"?
Maybe some homeless people set up shop on our porch for a couple days and left us a thank you gift?
Does someone have an evil vendetta against a kindhearted First Grade teacher?
I think there is a fairly good chance that they filmed the garbage scene from Avatar on our front porch and forgot to take the garbage. (Was there a garbage scene in Avatar or am I thinking of the whole movie?)
Or perhaps the magical furniture unicorns simply dumped them there?

Discarding the items was easily. We simply placed them on a neighbor's porch that was out of town.

Figuring out how they they ended up on the porch is the real. challenge.

Any ideas out there in comment land?

Song of the Day: Throw Me The Statue - Hi-Fi Goon

This particular band, in which they ask for a statue to be tossed to them for some unknown reason, released an album last year that has been on my most played list for months now.

If you enjoy Band of Horses or Pedro the Lion, you will most likely enjoy a ditty or two from Throw Me The Statue. I pre-apologize for the grotesque elephant dung in the video.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

3 ways to have a happy marriage while maintaining your lazy lifestyle.

I am not a smart man. In fact, I am a legal idiot in 28 out of the 53 states (including Guam).

Despite my idiotocracies and boneheadedness, I have figured out a thing or two about maintaining a happy marriage while remaining lazy. In actuality, Ihave figured a few schemes that will ultimately allow you to keep your beloved wife happy with very little work.

NOTE: I wrote these three suggestions with husbands in mind. However, after rereading them, I have realized that they would work just as well for the wives. Also, to you wives out there, I say to you - I have given some insight into the mind and ways of the man. If you call your husband on one of these disgusting behaviors, please - you did not hear it here!

NOTE II: I realize that by sharing these 3 secrets, I am effectively ending my ability to use them with my own wife. I do this as a favor to you, my loyal readers. You may thank me in the comments.

1. The toilet paper roll.

I hate replacing that darned thing. Sometimes I have to do that waddle over to the sink and grab a new package. This is a dismal experience. However, at the same time, I hate catching grief from my wife when I leave just the cardboard tube without replacing it. A 'Catch 22' to be sure.

Rule: Always leave at least five squares on the roll. If that means using only one square to wipe, so be it. Just ensure that the one square you use is a strong square. By following this rule of thumb, you will never have to replace a roll or hear about how you left only the cardboard center. (By "rule of thumb" I did not mean to imply that you would be needing to use your thumb to follow this rule. Also, it's always a good rule of thumb to specify if a thumb is actually needed in your rule of thumb)

2. The package of Oreos.

It's hard not to want to eat the last of the Oreos, but if you do, that means that you will have to make this whole other trip all the way to the garbage can to throw away the trash. (In my house, that is at least 20 feet!) Leave it in the cupboard and you will most certainly hear, "What kind of person eats all the Oreos and just leaves the garbage?" Or, "What kind of person eats all the Oreos and just leaves one left?" You don't want to be that kind of person. Your wife would have never married that kind of person!

Rule: Always leave at least 3 Oreos in the package. I know you will be tempted eat those last three, but have some self control man! Don't do it. It will only bring you grief. (I suppose you could just throw away the empty package, but that brings us back to the long walk to the garbage can)

3. Underwear.

I actually picked up this hint from a female teacher I work with, but it has worked wonders for me.

If you are a lazy jerk - such as I - you hate to do laundry. But there is a simple fix that will allow you to never have to do laundry again...

Rule: Always own one more pair of underwear than your spouse. When laundry day comes, you are good for another day. Your spouse, however, will HAVE to do the laundry if they want fresh drawers in the morning. It's foolproof.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Cheeseboy's Guide to Overcoming Awkward Social Situations: Volume 2 - The Athletic Event Double Date

Welcome class to our next topic of learning and discussion. Take your seats for today I will focus on how to avoid embarrassing awkwardness while on a double date at an athletic event. (Wives, be sure to sit next to each other. You'll learn why in just a moment)

I know many of you are wondering what kind of awkwardness could exist at a sporting event. Well, let me ask you a couple important questions:


I realize that those two questions are one and the same. However, I felt that it needed to be repeated as to emphasize the significance of this potentially cumbersome state of affairs.

With the help of some graphs I created on, lets take a look at some of the options:

Option 1 - The husband, wife, husband, wife pattern.

This is by far the worst possible configuration of people imaginable for this situation. However, it is the most common folly I see people make. Lets take under consideration that 95% of wives could care less about the actual game itself and that many will pretend to like to go under the false pretense of: "I enjoy people watching." Yeah right!

ANYWAY, using this seating pattern, what ends up happening is:

1) Wife A and Wife B are extremely bored. 2) Husband A and Husband B are forced to give each other high fives across Wife A and in her face. 3) Husband B then feels obligated to give a very awkward high five to Wife A. 4) Wife B completely gets left out of the high fiving.

PEOPLE: Think about this before you casually sit down. This works for nobody!

Option 2 - Wife A and Wife B move to the middle to chat, while Husbands A and B are relegated to the ends.

Yes, this solves all of the problems that option A presents, however, it brings up two new problems:

1) Husband A and husband B are now yelling at each other from afar after a great game. 2) High fives are nearly impossible. Husband A and Husband B are not going to reach all the way across two women to high five. AND the responsibility to start the wave of high fives is upon the inside person's head. Women are not going to spontaneously start high fiving - especially when they're in a deep discussion about how The Bachelor is a jerk.

No, Option 2 is a guaranteed failure, especially for the husbands. Moving from Option A to Option B will only make things worse.

Option 3 - Husbands move together and sit in a pair and wives move together and sit in a pair.

It's the perfect solution really. Everyone is happy, right?

- Wrong! -

Two problems:

1) Some wives feel this moral obligation that they HAVE to sit by their husbands at all times and Husband A is clearly not next to his wife which obviously means he is either unfaithful or is holding a grudge. 2) Husband B still has to overhear the ridiculous conversation about the floozies on 'The Bachelor' and what they did in the hot tub. (Not time machine this time)

Option 4 - Same as option 3 EXCEPT there is a buffer chair between them.
(Unfortunately, ONLY an option at Utah basketball games and other sparsely attended events)

Yes, if both wives are able to swallow their pride (good luck with that) and allow their husband's to sit by themselves, this is the most ideal situation. Husbands can high five and rejoice together. Wives can wallow in 'The Bachelor' mud until their skin falls off. Neither have to hear each other speak and the wives don't have to participate in those dorky looking high fives that wives do.

IF the wives can suck it up (again, good luck with that) and sit by themselves, I can see only two potential problems:

1) Many at the event might consider your wives a couple. 2) Your wives might change the topic from 'The Bachelor' to "Let's plot to murder our husbands for abandoning us at this basketball game.

Problem 1 I can live with. Problem 2 - I don't live.

So, there you have it. Your second lesson on overcoming life's awkwardness. Husbands, after rereading my advice, might I suggest forgoing options 3 and 4 and sticking with option 2? You'll be a better man for it. And alive.

You're welcome.

P.S. - To the two Syracuse fans that flew all the way from Syracuse to Salt Lake to see your team get upset by the Butler Bulldogs, and were CRYING after the game, I say to you: I DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR YOU! Your team won a championship 6 years ago. (I am NOT kidding, they were really crying) But, to the 8 year old Syracuse boy that was crying as he left the stadium, I say: I DO feel sorry for you.

And thank you Kansas State and Xavier for one of the greatest games I have ever personally witnessed.

And thank you - two wives that sat on my right. I learned more about 'The Bachelor' at a basketball game, than in all my other years of life. I thought it was great when, with five minutes left in the first game and the crowd going crazy, you looked up and asked, "Who's playing?!" Best $65 your husband ever spent.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

There is no crying in 'The Biggest Loser"! (Or is it, "there is ONLY crying in 'The Biggest Loser'"?)

My wife is on a 'Biggest Loser' loop-di-loop and it seems that I am the reluctant bozo that gets dragged along on the ride. It's worse than being stuck on "The Bat".

For those that don't know, The Biggest Loser is...

Who am I kidding; you know what The Biggest Loser is. (Unless, of course, your television has been auctioned off for extra World of Warcraft Blue Mt. Dew)

We watch all 6 1/2 hours per week on NBC. I should clarify... My wife watches 6 1/2 hours. I spend 4 of those hours with my laptop and the other 2 1/2 cringing. It's not just NBC's insistence of showing the lumpy spandex, man boobs and other sweaty knobs (Allow these people some dignity... please!) that should not be seen in prime time, or at any time for that matter.

The thing that really gets to me is the crying. It is almost constant through all 6 1/2 hours. They whimper and grieve about almost everything.

I am sure that 95% of the weight they lose is simply through tears. I read that you can cry up to 80% of your water weight in a single sitting.

Here's a typical episode.

"Well then do it Joelle. Stop saying all these words, quit talking. I'm sick of just words, words, words, talk , talk , talk. Shut up! Just do it. Just stop talking and do it."

Tears drop slowly to floor.

"I know it's hard and I know it hurts. But you can do it."

Sniff sniff. I can't. Sniff.

"Unless You Puke, Faint or Die, Keep Going!"

Shut up Jilian! Everyone knows you used to be a man.


[Weeping] You are so cruel Julian.

"You just look at a bagel and your butt gets bigger!"

Really? I do like bagels. Sniff.

"Let's see, how can I describe the last chance workout,...Beatings, beatings, beatings, beatings, beatings, beatings, beatings, beatings, .... And when we're done with that, ... some more Beatings!!"

Snort. Grunt. Sob. Sob.

"I believe in you, so why don't you believe in yourself?"

Because I'm weak! I'm weak and I am weak. Slobber.

"Every time you lay down, I'm gonna think, 'Dead Father.' "

Why are you so mean? I - sniff - just want to live!

"That's 476 reasons why I'm here!"

That is so touching. I can't stop crying. Everything touches me. I'm on the ranch. The ranch makes me cry.

"I'm sorry to say, you are not the Biggest Loser".

That's it. Can you die of over-weep-ation? These are my friends. MY FRIENDS!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

The Talking Toilet (The Chapter Book) - by a First Grader in my class.

Alright... I know I just posted a first grade story a bit back, but this one had me laughing harder than I have in a long time.

This is a different girl in my class. I knew the topic she had chosen for the "Talented Young Writers" competition, however, I have not seen the final product until just today. I promise you, I have not changed a single word of this story. It is, in a word: AMAZING!

About the Author:

My name is (Make up your own female first grade name) My family is a ball of joy and this family of mine is pretty great. Here is a hint of where I live: Utah. But right now it feels like it's warm now. You want to know a little something about me, I am a great friend and a great student in school.


Vs. 2

Chapter 1
The Lost Toilet

Once there was a gross talking toilet. It was really mean. He came from Idaho. He didn't enjoy Idaho. He ate raw meat and he loved it a lot. One day the talking toilet ran away from home. The kids looked all around the house.

Chapter 2
Pretty Toilet

But then... they found the jackpot! This toilet had diamonds and gems. It was so pretty that they had to go into the bathroom and sit on the toilet. When they were done, they washed their gross hands. Then they got to blow bubbles outside for a half hour. After that they went back to work They finally found the toilet. The toilet said, "Hi! How are you doing?", he said cheerfully. The talking toilet went back to the bathroom.

Chapter 3
The Toilet Strikes Again

After he went to the bathroom, he got a potty water break. He likes potty water a lot. Then he got a new puppy. The puppy did not like him at all.

Chapter 4 (last chapter)
Bad Puppy!

Later that day, he loved his cute puppy so far. He went back to the gross bathroom. But then he felt sick inside. That he was going to die fully soon. But then he went back to his gross bathroom and he died.

The end.

There is so much that is funny about this story, I don't even know where to begin. But here are a couple things.
  • Vs.?? She must read a lot of scriptures at home.
  • You should see the computer drawing she did to go along with the story. It is a stick figure, sitting on a toilet on the top of a hill. Also, for some reason, there is a Utah State flag flying next to her. Not an American flag. A Utah State flag.
  • I liked her "hint" of where she lives. As if I couldn't tell by the giant Utah State flag.
  • Her family is a "ball of joy"! Awesome.

Monday, March 22, 2010


The Cheese Blog is proud to announce my first ever GIVEAWAY today!

You see, I've been perusing various blogs and it seems that all the big-time ones have these giveaway things.

The Blog O' Cheese will not sit idly by and be considered second rate. I have therefore scoured the house and found some very valuable stuff for my first ever giveaway because I appreciate you - the loyal and friendly viewers. (Note: Giveaway stuff had to be pre-approved by wife)

This first item is an opened 12 pack of something called "Mt. Dew World of Warcraft". It is utterly disgusting. I mean, beyond bad. Bear Grills wouldn't drink this stuff if he found it in the desert and I've seen him eat berries out of bear dung.

I opened a can and it was BRIGHT BLUE! Like the color of radiator fluid. (Is that stuff bright blue? I am not good with cars)

There are 7 cans left. Even though this stuff is filled with radiation, I still drank 5 cans. However, I now have an extra bright blue elbow growing out of the side of my stomach.

Yes, I am a little ashamed that I drank 5 cans of this nasty crap.

This seven pack of Mt Dew Blue World of Warcraft can be yours in the first ever Cheeseboy giveaway!

The other giveaway item I am giving away to one extremely lucky reader is this much beloved children's toy. It's an "I'm a Little Bit Country, I'm a Little Bit Rock and Roll" Elmo doll. You and your family will be serenaded over, and over, and over, and over again by Elmo singing this Osmond classic.

The best part about this giveaway treat is that no matter how well hid from your kids it is, they always seem to find it.

This singing Donny Elmo can be yours in the first ever Cheeseboy giveaway!

So, I know what you are thinking: HOW DO I WIN?!

Simple, just leave a comment and you will be entered!!!

**If you don't want to be entered, you can still leave a comment and I will only put those that express interest in their comment into the drawing. The drawing will be conducted on Thursday and will be watched closely by a accountant team from Morris, Phister and Jacobsondryskin.

*Winners will be required to arrange delivery.
** Nevermind.. winners will actually have to come pick up the crap.
*** Winners will have to be here between the hours of 6:00 - 7:00 MST to get their crap. It will be on the back porch.
****Elmo doll is already on the back porch. Whoever comes and gets it first can just have the blasted thing.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Time traveling has so many choices nowadays. But, I may just have to go with the hot tub.

According to the movies, I have many options for my time traveling needs. In fact, this weekend I have been given the new, intriguing method of... the hot tub!

"Hot Tub Time Machine!" Interested? Raise your hand... That's what I thought. Nobody. Except those perverted 15 year old boys in the corner. Put your hands down boys - you are NOT getting into the theater.

Now "Snakes on a Plane" was an awful movie title, but "Hot Tub Time Machine"?! That takes the cake. And by "takes the cake" I mean a hot tub went back in time and STOLE some cake! Stupid hot tubs and their time travel)
Now, combine the two movies and you have "Snakes in a Hot Tub Time Machine". Now there's something that I would want to sink my teeth into. (Not literally as hot tubs are generally made of some sort of very hard fiberglass stuff)

ANYWAY, in honor of this future Oscar nominated movie (most likely "Best Screenplay", but perhaps "Best Actor" for John Cusack), I give you the pros and cons of various Hollywood time travel... just in case you were considering taking a trip.

The Deloreon (Back to the Future)

1. Comfortable leather seating.
2. AM/FM Radio
3. Amazing breakaway speed from terrorists in black vans.

1. Tires catch on fire very easily.
2. Bruises from hitting your head on those fold-out doors.
3. Fuel is very expensive and hard to find.

The Phone Booth (Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure)

1. Built in phone.
2. New phone booth scent is delightful.
3. Tall ceilings.

1. Phone costs coins.
2. There are no phone booths anymore.
3. Booth sometimes has a draft.

Being stuck on a time traveling island. (Lost)

1. Beautiful views.
2. Great beachfront property.
3. Kate wears tank tops a lot.

1. Bloody noses.
2. Brain hemorrhages.
3. Hurley eats all the food.

Having a gene that makes you time travel. (The Time Traveler's Wife)

1. You are beloved by housewives everywhere.
2. You get to kiss your wife at different stages of her life.
3. You know when you are going to die.

1. You are despised by husbands everywhere.
2. Every time you time travel, you end up naked.
3. It is very creepy when you time travel to visit your future wife when she is 7.

The Hot Tub Time Machine

1. It's hot.
2. Bubbles
3. Jets

1. You have no idea who used the hot tub last.
2. Floating used band-aides.
3. Chevy Chase is in the hot tub with you.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Silly first graders and their overwhelming fear of IDENTITY THEFT!

I narrowly escaped a First Grade identity theft CATASTROPHE today!

My illustrious, gifted and slobbery first grade class have been writing stories (for example, sometimes about a mysterious place known only as "The Wild") for a district wide "Talented Young Writers" competition. As part of this competition, they are required to write an "About the Author" page.

As I was attempting to explain what constitutes an About the Author page, the following conversation broke out between the class and I (Or should it be "myself and the class? Really, should I be allowed to teach grammar to young kids?!):

Girl: So you want us to put stuff about ourselves on here?

Mr. Cheeseboy: Yep. (Thinking: "Isn't that what we just talked about for the last half hour?)

Girl: Like what again?

Mr. Cheeseboy: We discussed that, Miss "girl student of unnamed distinction". You need to write your full name, where you live, how many brothers and sisters you have, things you like to do... stuff like that.

Girl: I know, but my mom said I should never give anyone my PERSONAL INFORMATION!

Mr. Cheeseboy: [laughing] You don't need to worry. No one will see these.

Girl: I thought you said that these were going to be in a contest?

Mr. Cheeseboy: They are. But you really don't need to worry. It will be okay.

Boy speaks up: Yeah, because my mom said you are only not supposed to give out information "in line".

Mr. Cheeseboy: In line?

Boy: Yeah, on the computer.

Mr. Cheeseboy: Well, you don't need to worry because these won't be on the computer.

Different Girl: Didn't you say that we would be typing them on the computer when we are done?

Mr. Cheeseboy: Yes, but we won't put them on the internet.

Different Boy: If it's on the computer, then it is on the internet.

Mr. Cheeseboy: Not really. But we don't need to worry about that because it is okay because we can trust the people that will be reading your stories.

First Girl: Do you know them?

Mr. Cheeseboy: No.

Girl: My mom says you are not supposed to trust strangers with your personal information. (She could not stop saying "personal information". Her mother must totally ingrained this in her brain.)

Mr. Cheeseboy: Yes, but I will be trusting them, not you. So don't worry.

Girl: Well, I don't want the strangers to see my personal information.

Mr. Cheeseboy: Well, just don't put anything REALLY important. Just write what kind of animal you like or your favorite color and stuff like that.

Girl: Is that stuff 'personal information'?

Mr. Cheeseboy: I'm going to say no, not really.

Girl: But my favorite animal... It IS IMPORTANT!

Mr. Cheeseboy: - sigh - [mixed with laughter] Well, what DO you want to put on your "About the Author" page?

Girl: Just my picture. Not my name or anything. So the strangers won't know who I am.

Mr. Cheeseboy: But they will know what you look like, right?

Girl: Well, in my picture, I will wear a brown wig. (She is blond)

Mr. Cheeseboy: Alright fine. Good plan.

The end. Identity theft narrowly escaped.

- phew -

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Song of the Day: Vampire Weekend - Cousins

Can't wait for this evening when I will be seeing these guys live. I am so enamored with this group, I am attempting to grow my hair to match the lead singer, Ezra Koenig's. Another month and I shall have it, I think.


Wednesday, March 17, 2010

A St. Patrick's Day Miracle!

Teachers HATE St. Patrick's Day.


Yep, it is really here.

When my first grade students arrive on this blessed day, I lay down some very basic, yet vital pinching ground rules:

1. There will be NO PINCHING!
2. I don't care if they are not wearing green, THERE WILL BE NO PINCHING!
3. If there are any questions, refer to rules 1 & 2.

- This never works -

By 10:00 my rug is soaked with the tears of 7-year-olds. It seems, they always find a perceived loophole.

"They said I wasn't wearing green, but I had it on my underwear!" [Kid then proceeds to give themselves a wedgie by pulling their underwear up over their jeans to prove it to me while I stand and cringe]

Today was a St. Patrick's Day miracle! In the morning, a dad came and blew up some Diet Coke with some Mentos (NOW, THAT NEVER GETS OLD!) and we then went a field trip. No one even had a chance to pinch or be pinched. I was amazed.

Now, what kind of sick, twisted Irish tradition is this that kids start bruising each other for no other reason except they may or may not be wearing the color green?! Upon doing some further research, I discovered the following:

The act of pinching on St. Patrick's day began in America with Irish settlers who tried to get their kids to behave by telling them that fairies would come pinch them.

The first question I have is obvious:


Secondly -

Pinching fairies? Every fairy I have ever known sprinkles glittery dust or gives you money... AND that includes Richard Simmons! (But he still owes me.)

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

The tests came back and I am officially a victim of alleycat brutality.

Today I was victimized by an stray alley cat.


This afternoon, I put on my jogging gear and headed for the hills: the Nikes, silky shirt, shorts, but no underwear - due to the painful chafing that accompanies them. (Another post for another blog for another day)

Oh, and by "hills", I mean Murray Park - the perfect joggers destination. Except, apparently, for the alley cat problem and the invisible, tattooed drug lords.

I was taking a short cut, next to an abundant pine tree, when I glanced down at my iPod. For some shockingly abhorrent reason, a "Dr. Jean and Friends" song came on while in "random" mode.

I HATE when my school music gets mixed in with my iTunes music. It's like watching a Utah football game and then it is suddenly interrupted with Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone. Oh wait... THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED ONCE! Well, it sucks ALMOST as bad as that.

ANYWAY, while glancing down, I clumsily brushed up against the pine tree and to my chagrin (is chagrin a good thing?), I was viciously attacked by a raging lunatic feline.

My leg was wounded. Badly. Bloodied, in fact. Badly bloodied and bruised by a buffoon of a bobcat. (See photo below, but not yet...)

I kinda, sorta, kicked away the attack puma and hobbled away as if I was filming a scene in "Saving Private Ryan".

Now, I am not sure, but if you live in Utah and looked out your window today, you may have noticed it is pretty stinkin' nice out there. And so it was, on this - the 16th day of March 2010, that I was officially laughed at by two grown women walking the park in their capri stretchy pants and pullover tops.

An official Cheeseboy humiliation.

When I returned home, sweaty and beaten, I immediately showed my wife the wound and spoke ill will towards the blood ravaged kitty. My wife's response was typical: "You are SO weird!" Followed by, "This could only happen to you." And then she laughed and laughed, like I was a brain-dead, prop person on "Fear Factor".

Here are my battle wounds. Please pay specific attention to the muscuality of my thighs and not the jewfro that adorns them. And you think this is bad, you don't want to see what happened to that stupid cat!*

*The cat actually escaped with no harm.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Excuse me, your FACEBOOK is showing!

I am STILL fascinated by facebook. I am intrigued by every nuance of it's every corner.

In fact, I am so enamored by the blasted site, I am blogging about it for a THIRD time!


(I was told by a 10 year old that I was tutoring this week and another teacher at school that "hell" is not a swear word as long as you are referring to the place. "Damn", on the other hand, is a swear word because "damn" is not an actual place. This makes perfect sense and I am running with it)

I've been on facebook for, I don't know, maybe 15 months now.

(My friend count is up to 426, by the way. That's 426 people that need to know what the Cheeseboy is up to 24-7. When it comes to facebooking I'm pretty much a minor celebrity. I know this because some guy named "David Lee Roth" only has 412 friends. Look it up!)

ANYWAY, while subconsciously perusing facebook, I have noticed how different age groups use it. If you shall indulge me for a minute, I shall elaborate for the facebook clueless.

GIRLS, aged 13- 17: Girls in this age group use facebook to join "pages" or "fan groups". My niece, who is 13, has joined 349 "pages", including one called "It's funny when your pencil falls out of your hand randomly during class" and "I hate it when one string on my hoodie becomes longer than the other one."

I HATE THAT TOO! I should join.

My niece seems to be in contest with my 13 year old next door neighbor who has joined 731! "pages", including one called "I'm friends with an Asian" (not offensive if you are 13, apparently), and one called "Have cellphones in class!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

That brings me to another point - teenaged girls use a lot of exclamation points in their status updates!!!!!!!!

I know what you are thinking: If you are so annoyed by these updates, why not just put these girls on ignore? The answer to that is simple: What exactly would I be blogging about right now if I did that? (Also, I just saw that my 15 year old cousin just became a fan of "duct tape" and she is actually in the lead with 781 pages. I'm calling you out - niece and next door neighbor!)

BOYS, age 13-18: My extensive facebook studies have led me to conclude that boys this age use facebook primarily to call into question their buddy's sexuality.

WOMEN, age 18 - 25: Actually, of my 426 friends, I don't think I have a single one that is a woman in this age group. If I had to guess though, I would think their status updates are all about gaudy, pale vampires or eating crapes and then feeling guilty about it.

MEN, age 18 - 25:
Men in this age group generally use facebook to post pictures of themselves playing paintball, waterskiing or hanging out with attractive females that look like they are pretending to have fun with said man.

Oh, and they also occasionally question their buddy's sexuality.

WOMEN, age 25 - 40: Women in this category like to let us know about their baby's sleeping habits. These make up about 90% of this group's status updates.

"Baby Charlie is finally asleep! Life is wonderful!"
"Little Sarah slept for 9 hours straight last night! Someone please pinch me!"
"Zacharia REFUSES to go to sleep! I just want to die!"

(Women in this group also tend to use a lot of exclamation points, but they have learned to limit themselves to one exclamation point per sentence. And that, my friends, is a compliment to our American education system!!!!!!!!)

5% of this group's posts are about how wonderful their husband's are. You see, teenage girls battle to see who can join the most pages... while women in this category battle to see which one has the most romantic or adorable husband.

The last 5% of this group's status updates are about how STUPID 'The Bachelor' is. Yet, they keep watching... and watching... and watching...

MEN, age 40+: Once you hit this age, most of your status updates are about how crappy you feel all the time. Or, if you're my dad, you skip the middleman and simply post about dying. This was his update the other day:

"My wife and I purchased our cemetery lots yesterday. I am starting to believe I just might not be changed in a twinkle – or burnt to a crisp. But if I am maybe I can sell it to someone else.

I hope those lots don't get used for a long time.

WOMEN, age 40+: Women don't like to be seen as "complainers" so they rarely post about how cruddy they are feeling. No, women in this group usually post about one of three things:

1. The weather.
2. Their farmville farms.
3. How stupid 'The Bachelor' is, but they just can't stop watching... and watching... and watching...

Friday, March 12, 2010

Help me decide if I need a wearable towel. (Only $19.99, a $35 vaule. Includes uncomfortable backpack for handy carrying)

I am extremely interested in purchasing this product, but I have a few questions before I lay down my $19.99.

1. Why is the first women wearing a flesh colored bra and why does my wife not own one?
2. What is with the rhyming? Does the wearable towel make you rhyme?
3. Who are these people that are wearing HEAVY robes? What is the weight of a wearable towel? What is the difference in weight distribution of a robe to a wearable towel? Are heavy robes really a problem for people?
4. A towel with arm openings? I think I have heard of it... it's called a robe.
5. I like the 'hand freedom' idea but I don't really feel that my normal towel is holding me back in that area.
6. Who actually reads a paper anymore?
7. Wouldn't wearing them with family and friends just be considered a 'Toga Party'?
8. Does wearing one while reading Haute Magazine in bed make you sophisticated and sexy? (Haute living is an exclusive magazine servicing the luxury lifestyle and celebrities interested in fine dining, hotels, homes, accessories and vehicles) Do you have to be sophisticated to buy one or do you become sophisticated after you buy one?
9. How does the fact that they are 100% cotton make them "first class in quality". What is the stitch count?
10. The commercial is not clear... are there any fasteners on the wearable towel?
11. I am confused by what you mean by, "The wearable towel is UNISEX"?!
12. From what I can see, you can do the following in a wearable towel: Pet a dog, talk on the phone, do the dishes and eat watermelon with your grandpa. IS THIS REALLY TRUE?
13. Is the wearable towel backpack wearable too?
14. How would one use the bathroom while wearing a wearable towel?

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Song of the Day: Bishop Allen - Cue The Elephants

Alright, I guess I am so behind the times, I failed to realize that the entire world had seen OK Go's newest video. I thought I was so hip, only to realize that people are openly mocking me for my complete unhipness.

So, I decided to go with something a little more low key for my song of the day. An acoustic version of Bishop Allen's "Cue The Elephants". Bishop Allen is an indie band from Brooklyn. This song caught my attention the other day and I have had it on repeat in my brain ever since.

Sorry, the video is not quite as cool, but the song makes up for it. I also apologize for bothering you with a video that I clearly was the only person on earth that had NOT seen it. Or something like that.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

A timeline of my life had I (Abe) been named the third "Cory" as originally planned.

The incorporable, much beloved, profoundly plodded Corey Haim was found dead today. (It is beyond despairing. I spent the majority of the day rolled up in the fetal position, which is a very difficult thing to do while you are trying to teach First Grade)

Fortunately, amazingly and ironically, when he was found, his hair still had perfect bounce and body. It was... a miniature Cory miracle during a time of great melancholy in the land.

This sad turn of events has had me questioning my own mortality. First of all, am I mortal? (I have been touched by Jacob. My apologies... a little LOST inside humor there) Secondly, if I am mortal, will I die? And finally... How would my life be different if I had accepted the offer to become the third "Cory" back in 1984? (The other "Cory" being Cory Feldman of "the two Corys" fame)

I have thus created the following "alternative timeline" (Another LOST drop. Again, my apologies) that explains how my life would have been different today had my numbskulled, overpaid agent simply said "yes" to allowing the Corys to be thrice. Let's take a closer look:

December 21, 1984 - My agent receives a phone call from the Corys. They are deeply interested in adding a third Corey to their duo. This time, my agent tells them that I (Abe) am in fact very interested - that I have the perfect "Cory" face and that I will soon be puffing out my hair in an extreme "Cory" style to meet their specifications.

December 28, 1984 - I purchase a levi jacket and some bandannas at a local mall.

January 12, 1985 - I legally change my name to "Korey", using the K as a method to tell me apart from the other two Corys. My mom is not thrilled, but she gladly accepts a residual check from a Cory.

January 16, 1985 - Work begins on our first feature film together as a "Corey-fied Threesome". The film is called, 'The Toehead Boys' and makes over 64 million at the box office. I play "Little Toe-E" - an adorable toe head with a lisp and a dopey attitude. I am instantly famous.

June 24, 1985 - Corey Feldman and I get in our first publicized argument. Corey refuses to allow me access to his pet zebra that Michael Jackson gave him as a housewarming gift.

September 12, 1988 - After a run of several successful films with the Coreys, I branch out on my own for the first time. I play "Chip", a reoccurring character on 'Family Ties'. Chip is an adorable toe head that has an unfortunate lisp.

September 22, 1988 - I try my first shot crack with some chick I only knew as "Mallory Keaton". I am 12 years old.

March 8, 1989 - I began work on my most famed and acclaimed role - "Mick", an adorable toe head with an unfortunate lisp in the movie 'Stand By Me II'. I am the first and only Corey to ever receive an Oscar nomination.

July 8, 1990 - I accept my first and only Nickelodeon "Kid Choice" award for my work in "Goonies". During my acceptance speech, I am slimed... Double Dare style.

August 8, 1990 - I am admitted into rehab after my mom catches me trying to smoke Double Dare slime.

January 6, 1991 - My career rebounds when I am named a new Mouseketeer.

January 8, 1991 - My career tailspins when the New Mouseketeers is canceled.

October 28, 1996 - After a five year absence from acting, I play "Janitor #2" in an episode of 'Friends'. My work goes largely unnoticed by the critics.

November 18, 1996 - I reunite with the Cory's for a reunion concert. The boyband 'All-4-One' perform their #1 smash, I Swear while we Corey's lock arms in and sway in unison.

February 1, 1997 - I star as "Grocer #3" on 'Malcom in the Middle'.

March 2, 2000 - After a long absence from acting, I am readmitted to rehab. This time, it is not fake rehab.

December 8, 2000 - My career comes full circle as I am cast as "Billy" in the movie 'Not Another Adult Movie Staring Former Child Stars'. Billy is an adult toe head with a bad lisp.

January 16, 2002 - I begin work on the project 'Celebrity Fit Club 1'. I play myself, only 80 pounds overweight and with an embarrassing lisp.

January 28, 2002 - After losing 6 pounds on 'Celebrity Fit Club 1', I storm off the set after yelling "LINE!... LINE!!!" to no avail. A group of confused former actors applaud as I leave the set. I swear at them, but they do not understand me - on account of the lisp.

March 12, 2010 - I attend the funeral of my best friend, Corey Haim.

March 19, 2010 - My fourth wife gives birth to our first son (8th overall). We name him Corey, after Corey of the "three Coreys" fame.

Man, life could have been soooo much better if my agent had just said yes all those years ago!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

"The Wildlife" by an ultra-smart First Grader

Everything you ever need to know about wildlife: A writing sample by one of my First Graders.

(I received this "story" from a girl the other day and it had me cracking up)

Outside all of us is a place called "the wild".

There are lots of animals in this special place. Some of the animals are: dingo, rabbit, dinos (which is actually an insect).

These animals in the wild don't have fingers.

Some cats are wild. I like animals.

When you go outside, look at things around you.

Some people shoot animals in these wild places. They have lots of fun.

Some animals used to be wild, but now they're not. You may have a wild animal. Well, actually I don't think so.

Australia has lots of poisonous animals.

Some animals hibernate. Some people are allergic to animals.

The wild.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

How to take great pictures.

I am not really one to write "How To" guides, other than the 6 volume set I recently released on 'How to Sleep Soundly on Any Surface Other than Nails or Glass'. Shamefully, it was not well received by the general public. However, I have high hopes for the Aborigines people, who are known to sleep on hot cinders and spend their bark-like money on helpful 'How To' books.

Nevertheless, I feel obligated to share my expertise on the art of photography, which is actually just a dirty, intellectual word for "taking pictures."

A word of warning: If you are looking to step into the cutthroat world of photography, you must first be aware of it's seedy, crime ridden underbelly. I've seen folks that started by innocently wanting to snap a picture here or "point and shoot" (as we say in the business) and they ended up laying face down in a State Street gutter, their bloody camera cord strung around their neck and a nasty case of foot fungus festering between their toes.

However, if you have the right instincts, the honor of a lion, and the speed and agility to escape treacherous situations, you might just have what it takes to take pictures. Regardless as to if you have these qualities (most likely not), if you are going to take pictures, you are going to need a to know the ropes.*

1. First, you are going to need to purchase a camera. While shopping, you will notice that the price of a camera is directly tied to something called "mega pixels". Although I am an expert in photography, I am not entirely sure what these mega pixels do - just that they are highly desirable amongst those of us in the photography community. Very often, you will find a desperate, inconsolable photographer looking to sell their spare mega pixels for ecstasy or Amish crafted scarfs. Do yourself a favor and get a camera with at least 15 mega pixels. 15 is the number you are looking for because you really don't want troublesome, aimless, homeless former photographers constantly asking you to trade your extra pixels for Amish crafted scarfs.

2. Once you have your new camera in tow, you are going to want to take a few practice shots, to ensure that it is properly working. But HOLD ON! Take some deep breaths... you're not ready yet.

Now, before you take a picture of anything, you are going to need some essential supplies: 4 double A batteries, a camera bag, a lens cap and a shoulder strap. Every photographer needs these items and most are available at Walgreens or nationwide flea markets. Please close your browser now, gather these items and return for further instruction.

Nice to see you are back. Have you obtained the said items? Good. Now place all of these things on your dining room table and take pictures of them. You are to begin your practice pictures here for two reasons: 1) Double A batteries have an illustrious shine to them that if captured on film correctly, can be breathtaking. 2) Just in case these items are stolen, you will have a photo to show the cops.**

3. Now that you have practiced and rehearsed taking pictures with your 15 mega pixels, you are ready for the real deal. I suggest beginning your photography experience with something simple, elegant and familiar- a family photo.

Of course, not any family will do. You are going to want a particularly handsome family. Preferably, the father must have a handlebar mustache, the mother should be shaped like an hourglass (and not a Russian hourglasses, with it's completely misshapen top and frying pan bottom) and the children must be properly nourished and look like little sitcom midgets.

If you cannot find a family that meets the above criteria, your own family will do. Just ensure that you are equipped with sufficient fake handlebar mustaches.

You are going to need some nature to hand place these people in - like Barbee dolls on vacation to the Poconos during the fall. In fact, fall time is the perfect time to begin your family photography excursions. The leaves make for a perfect backdrop, as does a nice sunset, as does a wooden bridge.

We have a common saying in the industry: "Take a picture, it lasts longer!" And it does. It really does.

Once you have your family assembled, it's go time. Place them in adorable positions. Perhaps holding hands, walking into a thorny bristle. Try putting the small ones on the knees of the bigger ones. I've noticed a good photographer always makes absurdly idiotic sounds around children. Additionally, you must be overly concerned about leg placement. These are tips I have collected over the years.

4. Once you have mastered taking pictures of actual people, you are ready for the big time.

- Nature -

If you find something that is nature, it is now your obligation to take pictures of it.

The best advice I can give you regarding photographing nature is to catch nature when it least expects it. Go out into nature, hide in a bush and wait. Then allow nature to come to you. When ready, it will come and your photos will glow because of it.

*Quite literally, if you become someone that photographs different varieties of ropes. "Rope-ographers", as they are often referred to as, will go to great "lengths" to get the perfect shot. These rope-ographers are well aware that - given the right light - the most photogenic rope is clearly the "braided polyester"

** I would also suggest, in case of thievery, taking a picture of the camera itself. However, I am not sure if you can get the camera to bend that way. Of course, you could ask someone else to take a picture of the camera for you, but I doubt they could get the camera to bend that way too.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Help stop LARGE PRINT fraud and protect the handicapped!

My wife and I recently had a lively debate about her merciless tendency to rob the handicapped of their rightful large print books at the library. She claims that if she places a large print version on hold, rather than the small print version (the ones we normal people use), she will get the book up to 49% faster.

Is this shameless sin akin to stealing a handicapped parking spot or using the handicapped bathroom stall? I think so, but I rarely read, and when I do it is mostly billboards or other people's diaries. I can not really relate to someone that is so desperate to read a book that they are willing to steal books from the poor, blind and helpless.

Why are visually impaired people doing all this reading anyway? If I were visually impaired, I have the perfect excuse NOT to read. On the contrary, I would have the perfect excuse to get an even BIGGER television. Sometimes I consider sticking sharp things in my eyes so I can apply for a grant.

Anyway, my beautiful wife seems intent on snatching a large print version of "Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter" from the hands of a wheelchair bound blind woman. And I'm sure she is not the only one.

There are others... perhaps they have an eye condition, perhaps not. But they prey on the weak; using their library card numbers as a literal license to take advantage of the meekly sightless. How are these helpless handicaps supposed to enjoy the latest mega-print James Cameron novel when these heartless thieves are hoarding these books... flip flopping pages like they are crappy candy?! Somethings not right with this picture, and it's not that the picture needs enlarging.

I once was in a crowded public restroom and there were a line of 6 people - all in wheelchairs - waiting to use the handicapped stall. I weaved my way through the web of wheels and knocked loudly on the door. Fortunately, the stall's lock was broken (as is often the case) and the door creaked open to reveal a ruthless non-wheelchaired man, sitting on the toilet while reading a LARGE PRINT library book! I pulled the man off the pot and threw him into the wheeled mob. he was subsequently and justifiably rolled to death by over 26 wheels. It is not a pleasant way to go.

I really have no idea why I attended that wheelchair conference, other than I was in the neighborhood.

Anyway, I know what you're thinking: What can we... ordinary citizens with a conscience do to stop the visually impaired from receiving their much needed large print books in a timely manner. How can we stop the heartless from further ruining their lives? Fortunately, I have been giving it much thought, and I have come up with a fool proof plan:

1. Those that check out a large print book will NOT be able to use the speedy self checkout kiosks at the library. If one makes such an attempt, an alarm will sound and they will be smothered in slime. (AKA - "Double Dare" style)

2. Those that wish to check out a large print book must provide proof of visual impairment to the librarian. Proof may consist of:
  • A seeing eye dog. (Must be fitted with a harness. You can't just bring in any dog and claim that it a seeing eye dog. If there is any question, the librarian may ask the dog to perform a series of dog tricks that only seeing eye dogs can perform)
  • A prescription or doctors note that proves very poor eyesight.
  • A seeing eye monkey. (Same provisions for seeing eye dog apply)
  • A birth certificate proving that you are over 85 years of age.
  • If all else fails (or the dog is misbehaving), each library will be fitted with an eye exam machine, much like they have at the DMV. The eye exam machine will also be hooked to a lie detector... to weed out the liars. Liars will have slime dumped on them, Double Dare style.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Ways to incorporate quotes from the Karate Kid movies into everyday life.

"Man who catch fly with chopstick accomplish anything."


To get a cheap laugh while waiting for your check at a Chinese restaurant.
When attempting to sell your newly invented gadget, the "giant fly-swatting chopstick".


"Canvas. JC Penney, $3.98. You like?"

Whenever someone compliments you on your belt.
When pretending to get mad at your kids.

"We do not train to be merciful here. Mercy is for the weak. Here, in the streets, in competition: A man confronts you, he is the enemy. An enemy deserves no mercy."

As an example of something you shouldn't say when you are teaching your Sunday School lesson on mercy.
While teaching your spinning class at the gym.


"Wax on... wax off. Wax on... wax off. "

Something to break the tension while your spouse is waxing your back.
While scraping off the candle wax from a birthday cake.


"Look eye!, always look eye! "

During an eye appointment.
When questioning a witness on the stand.

"Sweep the leg."

Anytime you see anyone get in a fight... ever.
Whenever you see a janitor get dirt on his leg.

"Get him a body bag! Yeah! "

If you are a head mortician.
If you are pretending to be a head mortician for a game.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Tim Burton

Tim Burton is the most dark, ominously uncouth director in Hollywood and that my friends, is why I love him. I have seen his every picture... Everything from 'Pee-Wee's Big Adventure' in 1985, to his last picture, 'Sweeny Todd' in 2007. While there have been the occasional bombs ('Mars Attacks!' and 'Planet of the Apes' come to mind), generally the movies are uniquely splendid - each one an offbeat and wonderful work of art.

It takes a special breed of human to be a Burton fan. One must relish in the dark and melancholy. Most of my fellow dreary Burtonites that I have had the pleasure of meeting also have a bit of a twisted sense of humor. Personally, I love anything different. Most of the Hollywood movies nowadays are monotonous and predictable, but Burton's flicks stand as mountainous statues... proclaiming a break from the norm. (That's not to say that his films are never predictable, in a very Burton-esque sort of way)

Friday marks the date of his newest, and perhaps most anticipated film, 'Alice In Wonderland'. Fortunately, I have Friday off and we will be making the most of the Wonderland opportunity. In honor of the new movie, I give you my favorite 10 Burton movies.

10. Beetle Juice (1988) - A Burton classic. Who could forget the dinner table seance dance? Thus, the slightly twisted sense of humor.

9. Corpse Bride (2005) - Sadly, this attempt to recapture the magic of 'Nightmare' fell just a little short. Nevertheless, the story telling is superb and the stop motion animation captivating.

8. Pee-wee's Big Adventure (1985) - Burton's first big movie was arguably his best. Just not a top five favorite of mine as Pee-wee always gave me the creeps in a weird, child molester sort of way. Still, quality film making and a very funny flick.

7. Batman (1989) - I remember as a 13 year old, waiting outside a Trolley Movie Theater for 4 hours waiting for the opening of this movie. It still holds up to the test of time and is probably the second best Batman movie ever made. (Plus, a LESS ridiculous Batman voice)

6. Ed Wood (1994) - Any movie combining the forces of Tim Burton, Johnny Depp and Bill Murray is a movie up my alley. (My alley is named "Burton Drive" and I do not allow cats!)

5. Big Fish (2003) - Burton tries to play it pretty straight laced and adds more humor to any of his previous movies. The result was a near masterpiece, except for it being bogged down by overly-dramatic elements.

4. Sleepy Hollow (1999) - The most underrated Burton movie of all time. From the very first scene - the shuddersome, crawling trees of the hollow, I was captivate. It's beautifully shot and the flashback scenes are beyond haunting.

3. Sweeney Todd (2007) - Burton's only movie that has been nominated for best picture, it should have received more consideration. The music has that odd twinge that fits Burton's style perfectly. I have only seen this movie once - it is not that you really could watch over and over - but it was truly great from beginning to end.

2. Edward Scissorhands (1990) - If you do not like this movie, you lie. You are a liar.

1. The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993) - This is the holy grail for Burton fans. Was it made for kids? Well, my kids have probably seen it over 50 times and they still love it. But, Cathi and I love it too. Not only is it my favorite Burton movie, but my favorite Christmas movie.

Long live King Burton!

Song of the Day: Miike Snow - Black & Blue

I have had a two week long love affair with this band. I just can not get enough. I always dig a good UK band and these fellas have what it takes and what it takes is the awesomeness to be awesome. In fact, you'll be soaked in awesomeness by the time you are done listening to this song.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Grab bag

By now, everyone has heard about the McDonald's 50 piece nuggets for $10.00. It sounds like a great deal, but when you break it down, that is 50 cents per nugget. (I did the math in my head) However, if you were to buy 100 nuggets, it is almost worth it because then the price goes down to 50 cents per nugget, BUT now you have 100 nuggets! It's fuzzy math.

Personally, I'd be much more likely to buy a single, giant nugget made up of 50 nuggets. I'd definitely pay $10.00 for that. It could be called the "Chicken McMammoth". $10.00 for 50 chicken nuggets mashed together into one Chicken McMammoth - I could definitely be down with that.

It's actually referred to as a "party pack". Please do not invite me to that party.


Speaking of fast food, I was recently at the KFC/A&W/PB&J/Diarrhea joint and I noticed something I've never before - the "honey" is not honey at all. Rather it is called "honey sauce". Honey is actually like the third ingredient in the stuff. I am not sure what the first two ingredients were, but I know they had scientific names that I didn't understand.

That reminds me... have you ever read a food label to someone with the ingredients listed on it and you get to the stuff you can't pronounce, so you start to just mumble through it? Here is a time (of many) in life that I sound like a total idiot. It happens to me all the time. I'll say something like, "Check this Trix out. Listen to what is in this stuff! Cad--mi--um, AR-cen-IC, Far--mal--di--HIDE?! What the heck is all that stuff?!"

Note(s) to self: stop eating Trix. Also, never become a chemist.


I was on the news recently, which makes me wonder if I really should be on the news. Fortunately, they cut out the part that I started mixing metaphors and dropping double negatives. Unfortunately, they did catch my huge nose. Fortunately, I had used my nose hair trimmers that morning. Unfortunately, the lady that interviewed me did not. She was a beast of a woman - the lovely and talented Sandy Riesgraf. She is something special. I know because I could see her heart beating through her chest.