Excuse me, your FACEBOOK is showing!

I am STILL fascinated by facebook. I am intrigued by every nuance of it's every corner.

In fact, I am so enamored by the blasted site, I am blogging about it for a THIRD time!

DARN YOU FACEBOOK! DARN YOU TO "HELL"!

(I was told by a 10 year old that I was tutoring this week and another teacher at school that "hell" is not a swear word as long as you are referring to the place. "Damn", on the other hand, is a swear word because "damn" is not an actual place. This makes perfect sense and I am running with it)

I've been on facebook for, I don't know, maybe 15 months now.

(My friend count is up to 426, by the way. That's 426 people that need to know what the Cheeseboy is up to 24-7. When it comes to facebooking I'm pretty much a minor celebrity. I know this because some guy named "David Lee Roth" only has 412 friends. Look it up!)

ANYWAY, while subconsciously perusing facebook, I have noticed how different age groups use it. If you shall indulge me for a minute, I shall elaborate for the facebook clueless.

GIRLS, aged 13- 17: Girls in this age group use facebook to join "pages" or "fan groups". My niece, who is 13, has joined 349 "pages", including one called "It's funny when your pencil falls out of your hand randomly during class" and "I hate it when one string on my hoodie becomes longer than the other one."

I HATE THAT TOO! I should join.

My niece seems to be in contest with my 13 year old next door neighbor who has joined 731! "pages", including one called "I'm friends with an Asian" (not offensive if you are 13, apparently), and one called "Have cellphones in class!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

That brings me to another point - teenaged girls use a lot of exclamation points in their status updates!!!!!!!!

I know what you are thinking: If you are so annoyed by these updates, why not just put these girls on ignore? The answer to that is simple: What exactly would I be blogging about right now if I did that? (Also, I just saw that my 15 year old cousin just became a fan of "duct tape" and she is actually in the lead with 781 pages. I'm calling you out - niece and next door neighbor!)

BOYS, age 13-18: My extensive facebook studies have led me to conclude that boys this age use facebook primarily to call into question their buddy's sexuality.

WOMEN, age 18 - 25: Actually, of my 426 friends, I don't think I have a single one that is a woman in this age group. If I had to guess though, I would think their status updates are all about gaudy, pale vampires or eating crapes and then feeling guilty about it.

MEN, age 18 - 25: Men in this age group generally use facebook to post pictures of themselves playing paintball, waterskiing or hanging out with attractive females that look like they are pretending to have fun with said man.

Oh, and they also occasionally question their buddy's sexuality.

WOMEN, age 25 - 40: Women in this category like to let us know about their baby's sleeping habits. These make up about 90% of this group's status updates.

"Baby Charlie is finally asleep! Life is wonderful!"
"Little Sarah slept for 9 hours straight last night! Someone please pinch me!"
"Zacharia REFUSES to go to sleep! I just want to die!"

(Women in this group also tend to use a lot of exclamation points, but they have learned to limit themselves to one exclamation point per sentence. And that, my friends, is a compliment to our American education system!!!!!!!!)

5% of this group's posts are about how wonderful their husband's are. You see, teenage girls battle to see who can join the most pages... while women in this category battle to see which one has the most romantic or adorable husband.

The last 5% of this group's status updates are about how STUPID 'The Bachelor' is. Yet, they keep watching... and watching... and watching...

MEN, age 40+: Once you hit this age, most of your status updates are about how crappy you feel all the time. Or, if you're my dad, you skip the middleman and simply post about dying. This was his update the other day:

"My wife and I purchased our cemetery lots yesterday. I am starting to believe I just might not be changed in a twinkle – or burnt to a crisp. But if I am maybe I can sell it to someone else."

I hope those lots don't get used for a long time.

WOMEN, age 40+: Women don't like to be seen as "complainers" so they rarely post about how cruddy they are feeling. No, women in this group usually post about one of three things:

1. The weather.
2. Their farmville farms.
3. How stupid 'The Bachelor' is, but they just can't stop watching... and watching... and watching...