The new swimsuit conundrum and other ramblings from a nut.

I need a new swimsuit.   My wife's 13 woman's magazines all say that it is important to get one that "flatters your curves and flaunts your benefits".  Yes, yes, I can see the importance in that. My curves need a little razzle-dazzle and my benefits could use a little flaunting.   I really want to look good at my once a year jaunt to Raging Waters this year.  I have lost 20 pounds, grown out my chest hair extra long and I look extra white, even for a jewish fella.  I once unravelled  a chest hair and it measured at a whopping 9 inches!  By June, I hope to have that beat.  I want the suit that help me capture the attention of every lady lying by the wave pool.  Strangely, from past experience, women are not impressed when you unravel your chest hair for them to show them how long it is.

My wife's magazines also recommend a sheek, retro look.  Not a problem because Sheek and Retro are my middle names.  (I have two middle names. Not uncommon during the 70's....Abram Sheek Retro Yospe.  No wonder people think I am a foreigner!)

I have done some searching on various swimwear websites and I have discovered exactly what I am looking for.  It is a one piece, which poses some problems when it comes to actually peeing in the pool, which I find easier than making the trek to across the molten lava sidewalk to the restroom.  That reminds me - when will people that build swimming pools realize that concrete gets hot in the sun?  When God created nature's swimming pools, he surrounded them with sand.  Sure, sand still gets hot, but it is so fun to build in.  You can't build nothin' with stinking asphalt.  Oh - I also figured why it is called "asphalt".... because it's when your feet get burned on it, it's your own ass's fault!  

Anyway, after studying several layouts and attending a weekend bathing suit conference at the Hyatt, I have come to the conclusion that this is the suit for me:

If I get it, I will definitely need to grow a handlebar mustache.