Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Cease to Exist Order: Christmas Edition

I hereby issue a cease and desist order for the following Christmas things:

1. The Little Drummer Boy as sung by Michael Bolton - Now I am not sure that it is really Michael Bolton singing, but it sure as hell sounds like Michael Bolton when it hits the Cozy 106.5 every 35 minutes or so.  Thanks for ruining a perfectly good song Michael... again.  

By the way, while I am on the topic of Michael Bolton: Samir: Why don't you just go by Mike, instead of Michael? Michael Bolton: No way! Why should I change it? He's the one who sucks.

2. The "Christmas Shoes" song -  Thankfully, I have not heard this song very much this year.  Last year it was like Christmas Shoes were falling from the FM 100 sky.  If there is a more cheesy, ridiculously lame Christmas tune, I'd like to hear it... or rather, please, for the love of all things holy, don't let me hear it!.  I HATE THIS SONG!  Every time it comes on the radio I instantly change the station.  The only other song that has this effect on me is any and every song Toby Keith sings.  

**What frustrates me is that this boy's mother is dying and he thinks that the only thing that will make her happy is a pair of shoes?  Who is this mother, Paris Hilton?  Kid, get on your bike and get your butt home!  You're mom is dying!  Further, do you think when she meets Jesus he is really going to care about what shoes she is wearing?  If that is the case, I want to be wearing my Heelies when I go - that is if heaven has smooth, hard floors.  With my luck, heaven would be carpeted.

3. Guilt trips by people ringing bells - Sure they act friendly and they have that dopey smile on their face, but secretly they are thinking that I am a cheap, trumpery, two-bit loser that can't afford to throw a dime in their rotunda of broken dreams.  Listen bell people, if I had a dime for every time some Joey with a bell asked me to throw him a dime, I would have a lot of dimes.  And IF this was the case and I actually did receive a dime from a "magical dime fairy" for every time I saw a bell ringer asking for dimes, I would be more than happy to give the bell ringers the extra dimes.  I mean, who wants a pocketful of dimes while you are trying to shop?  I guess if I was wearing my cargo pants and wanted to buy a calzone later it would be okay.

4. Blow up lawn ornaments - These have faded a bit in recent years, but could there be a more lazy way of decorating your front lawn?  "Honey, unroll and plug in the lawn ornaments - I'll be sitting here on my yuletide a__."  Nothing says joy and merryment of the holiday season like an 8 foot, blow up Homer Simpson adorning your flowerbeds.  Now, if the blow up lawn ornaments had a "jumphouse" for frolickers like I to jump in at will, I would take this item off my Cease to Exist order.  Maybe a plastic slide that comes out of the front of it?

5. Songs that aren't really Christmas songs trying to pass as Christmas songs on the radio. A.K.A. "My Favorite Things".  As you can see, I am very annoyed with Cozy and FM 100 right now.  They are on warning - they could both be on my next Cease to Exist order.  And if Cozy 106.5 is so "cozy" then why is it that I am always listening to it while fighting crowds, parking lots and traffic and I am never listening to it while drinking a hot cup of cocoa while sitting next to the fireplace?  Cozy, my a*@.

6. Advent calendars with doors that swing outward.  Not sure why this annoys me so much - it just seems to me that the doors should swing inward, like you are entering into God's love.  Just seems so much more "Christmasy" to me.  I mean, we need to keep the reason for the season in mind.

7. Different takes on the "12 days of Christmas" song -  I can't stand that "Hanging up the Lights" version!  Every time I hear the regular version now, I think, "Hanging up the lights".  Well, some of us LIKE hanging up the lights, jerkwads!  (Not me, of course I hate hanging up the lights... I am just saying somebody has to like that crap.)

8. The Adam Sandler Hanukkah song - FM 100 - I realize this is the only Hanukkah song you have in your library and you are just throwing it in there because it makes your office types laugh, but would it kill you to play a little "Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel"?  I mean, after all, they made it out of clay.  It would be more than just a token courtesy for us few Jewish folk that live in the valley.

9. People that want my phone number when I buy stuff - Now this is not necessarily just a Christmas thing, but it annoys me nonetheless.  I am buying a pair of slippers and a bag of rice, are you going to call me to see how things went?  What if I give them a fake number?  Are they still going to let me buy their crap?

I will say that this would be a perfect pickup line if I were single though: "Can I get your phone number?"  "Sure, but can I get yours first?"  

I leave you with the poetic and beautiful lyrics to "Christmas Shoes".

Sir I wanna buy these shoes for my Momma please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry Sir?
Daddy says there's not much time
You see, she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes will make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful
If Momma meets Jesus, tonight.


Tammy said...

I think this might be one of my top favorite posts! I couldn't stop laughing. Probably because you are sooo right!

Luckily I haven't ever heard "The Christmas Shoes" song but I do know the story.

And I think the same thing about songs that aren't truly a Christmas song.

Thanks for the joy!

Cheeseboy said...

Thanks Tammy! When I finished this post I thought to myself, "this is truly some of my best work".

sacdaddy said...

Please consider adding the following Kozy favorites to you cease to exist order:

"Last Christmas I gave you my heart..."

"Simply having a wonderful Christmas time..."

"It's Christmas all over again..."

Those three songs alone make me hate Christmas.

Cheeseboy said...

Holy toledo Steve, I hate that Simply Having song! How does it start? "The moon is bright"...UGH!

Cool and the Gang can go to, but I am not sure what It's Christmas All Over Again song is. Okay, looked it up... I absolutely abhor that song!

One other song that can go is that "No there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time..." I don't care if Bono sings in it - that song totally sucks!

Tammy said...

Sorry Abe but the Bono song is a CLASSIC!
That's how I KNOW it's truly Christmas time!

Lori said...

When I saw the title to your post my mind immediately went to the "Christmas Shoes" song! I HATE that song! I was happy to see it on the list.

You might be a year or two too young to appreciate the Bono Africa Chistmas song. I remember when that song came out...it was a big production. I can't remember what year it came out though. So, maybe you aren't too young to appreciate it and have a right to hate it.

I think only like 10% of that dime that you put in the "bell ringers pot" actually goes to someone in need. The rest goes into golden lined pockets. So, no need to feel guilty.

If advent calendars opened "in", you would squish the chocolate everytime. You may want to rethink this one.

I was at the dreaded mall the other night, and instead of asking for my phone number, they were asking for my email address. You're right, annoying!

brandi (and tim) said...

I had the thought earlier that this Christmas was feeling a little Merrier than the past few years. Couldn't put a finger on it until now. Christmas Shoes. I have yet to hear it this yuletide. Which is surprising since I've have a fair amount of exposure to FM100. I'm currently listening to Elvis sings Christmas songs for about the 15th time today. I'm to the point that any of these songs would fit on your list. I think any Neil Diamond Christmas song should also be added to the list. Dude, have some dignity! Another song that KILLS me is the song from Charlie Brown Christmas. "It's Christmas Time" or something. It's so slow and depressing, I want to cut myself half way through. I agree with you about the Christmas in Africa song. I'm old enough to get it and even have a decent appreciation for the old Bono, but this song has to go. It gets it's butt kicked by "Free The World". I don't know the background of this song, but was it trying to raise awareness that they don't celebrate Christmas in Africa? I don't get it. The first time my attention was brought to this song was on coogerboard where someone was claiming it was the best song ever. I won't claim a lack of bias here.


Tom said...

I'm glad I found your blog. I've enjoyed going back and reading the older posts. I feel like we were twins separated at birth. I agree with everything in this post.