A distress signal - please send a search party with a bunch of sniffing dogs and guys with walkie talkies.

I feel as though I owe it to my reading public to inform you of my current circumstances. I am tucked away, removed from any sort of human contact, except that of my superhot wife and a few others. Thus, I am afraid that my blogging ability may be severely hampered by a lack of Internet signal. I hope you understand. Therefore, if I am unable to post in the next couple of days, be aware that it is not due to any sort of writers block, but because I am in a tiny, uninhabited town known as "Leeds". Fear not, my family is here with me, as is my Mother-In-Law. The only other living things I have seen near our borders are a couple of wild horses. I remain, huddled together in a bunker, hoping that someone soon stumbles upon us.

If you are reading this message, please send out a search party to the following coordinates:

45 degrees longitude
187 degrees latitude

I am completely guessing on these coordinates as I have no real understanding in latitude and longitude. In fact, I received a C+ in Geography in Junior High, but I believe I received a B on my latitude and longitude test. Actually, a better way to locate us would be to find a detailed Utah map and find the town that says "Leeds". If it is not on the map, you might just want to Google it.

Let me keep you abreast of our dire circumstances:

We have enough food to keep us fed for several weeks, however, I am concerned as the Peanut M&M's are in short supply.

Our water supply consists of "tap" and I feel drinking it is a risky proposition. Even the bottled waters in the fridge have been refilled with "tap". When arriving, please bring a heavy supply of Evian bottled water.

My Mother-In-Law is in high spirits, but we worry about her constantly as she is the one that prepares the food. We lose her and we're doomed.

Our entertainment options are extremely limited. We have television, but we only receive CBS and ABC. Please hurry, as we are concerned that we may miss tomorrow's episode of "Chuck"!
Our sleeping quarters are cramped as Cathi and I are required to sleep in separate bunks!

The nearest city is "St. George", approximately 10 miles away. We feel it dangerous traveling the highways on foot. Although we have two minivans on hand, we are conserving gas as it is $1.30 a gallon at the local Cosco. We are working on a method of converting the corn here into a gasoline product. We are hopeful, but please, do hurry.

We have 3 days worth of clothing, but I believe I only packed two pairs of socks. Please bring me another pair of socks. Oh, and my furry slippers would be nice too. Please find us soon as I would hate to burden my aching feet even more.

Again, hurry! We are in dire straights - not the band, just the situation. However, if we were in the band "Dire Straights", people would still wonder where we have gone. I mean, after such hits as, "Money For Nothing" and "Sultans of Swing", they have completely fallen off the face of the earth. Great, now I have that Money For Nothing song stuck in my head. "Microwave oven, custom kitchen, delivered... We got your TV, refrigerator"... oh, for the love of - please hurry!