Thursday, July 10, 2008

Scooter v. Laptop


Cathi has left the boys home alone yet again to go to girl's camp.  She has also left me with a  very mentally stiff challenge.  Determine best how to spend our money.  

The truth is that I was the one that decided that we needed to spend more money.  Sure, the market is crap right now and the economy is in shambles.  But there is never a bad time to get more worthless junk.  Am I right or am I right? Or am I right?  Right?

The dilemma is this: A scooter or a new laptop computer?  I have carefully weighed and considered the pros and cons.  I have come up with the following list:

The Scooter
Pros - 

1. Scooters get 90 MPG.  My school is a scant 12 miles away and I could easily drive there on warm weather days.  I would even be able to take backstreets all the way there so I would not be in any imminent danger.  We figure a scooter would pay itself off after a short year and a half.  

90 MPG!  Not even Marty McFly's Delorean got that and it ran on mostly garbage!

Speaking of gas prices - I was at the local Right Aid the other day and I noticed that the price of petroleum jelly has not gone up at all.  Not one cent!  How could that be?  This makes me wonder why the world scientists can not build a car that runs purely on petroleum jelly.  The only negative I can see is that the gas station lines would be insanely long while people try and shake the jelly off their fingers and into their tank two fingers at a time.  (Kevin Nealon 2007)

2. A scooter will help build my reputation as somewhat of a "tough guy".  Lets face it, my Hyundia Elentra is just not cutting it for me in the manly department.  When people see a scooter coming, especially if it is over 150 CC (no idea what that means), they move out of the way and show some respect.

3.  There is a mysterious shroud around the scooter that is irresistibly alluring.  When you see a person on a motorcycle, you think, "There goes a hard core biker bad a**!"  When you see someone on a scooter you think, "What kind of person drives a scooter?"  I like people wondering what kind of man I am.  It is mysterious.

4. It will give me a chance to finally wear my scooter bodysuit that will help cut down on wind resistance...


1. Scooters are dangerous.  People die when they scoot at lightning speeds.  

2. A scooter is not very efficient in snowy weather.  Except of course, for this all weather scooter, but I can't afford that...

3. Some people make fun of people that drive scooters.  My feelings are as delicate as a soft ice cream cone served up melted at your local Chuck-A-Rama.  I don't have room in my life for more bullies.  And people that bully scooterers are not the kind of bullies you want to be sharing a fish fillet with at the local DQ, if you know what I mean?  

4.  Scooters are lame.


1. No more sharing my laptop with Cathi.  Now we can both sit and enjoy the internet together, hand in hand, on our separate sites, while we ignore our kids.

2. A laptop would allow us to scrap our enormous piece of crap desktop that we have had since the internet was invented by Al Gore in 1997.  Although, I would hate to see it go.  When you have had a piece of machinery as long as we have, a little piece of you is inside of it and stays there forever.  This is really true.. I have been secretly using the CD tray to cut my toenails with in the wintertime.  That thing is full of discarded toe nail clippings!

3.   A laptop makes us look hip.  I want to take it to a Starbucks and sit and type like I am working on a business proposal or writing a scathing anti-war article.  People would stop for a moment to see what I was so intently writing about.  I would turn around and nod at them and mumble, "got a big proposal at work coming up.  Damn thing needs to be done by Friday."  Or, "Something needs to be done.  People are dying over there!"

4. Laptops are more environmentally friendly.  They take less parts to make and are primarily made of a mixture of sapphire, goat's milk and the left behind, hardened part of a beehive.  All biodegradable!  


1. You cannot ride a laptop to work.

2. When robots rule the world, the first people they will be attacking are the ones with laptops.  It makes complete sense because laptop people are the most technologically savvy and would be the first to foil their plans.  Also, because people with laptops are usually colossal jerks to robots in general.  

3. Laptops will be outdated within 10 years.  By then, they will have iHand.  It will be a small screen, digital computer that will be implanted directly into the palm of your hand.  It will do everything that an iPhone or a laptop can do and you will even be able to sleep with it.  For an extra $200, Apple will implant inner body headphones.  They will have a cord that runs from the inside of your hand to your eardrum. You can listen to your iPod or talk on the phone and no one will even be able to tell.  It might be worth it to just wait for this gadget.

4.  A laptop gets 0 MPG.

So, what should it be?  Leave your opinion below and vote in the poll!


Heather and Jake said...

You already have a lap top and a desktop..enough said.

Cheeseboy said...

another laptop would replace the crappy desktop

Cheeseboy said...

oh, and my laptop belongs to the school

granny.yospe said...

I'm going for a lap top! Lincoln loves them so then he could use it when you are on the other. He would probably love a scooter, too. Sigh! Maybe you should put it in savings?

Lori said...

Abe....your arguments for both were so convincing. I vote you guys eat toast for a year (breakfast, lunch, and dinner) and get a scotter and a laptop! Oh, by the look great in the "scooter suit"....all that running is really paying off!

brandi (and tim) said...

I'm concerned at how familiar you are with the price of petroleum jelly. And Rite Aid. I'm a democrat, so I'm not sure that I'm allowed to vote yet. As for the suit, is that a Razr or whatever the dope suit they'll be using in China? You'll fly.


Tammy said...

Abe I was going to say laptop and offer to have your old one until I read your comments. Now I'm in a pickle. You should not buy a scooter because they are a bit girly. Do you ever watch "Yes Dear"? The girly guy on that show bought a Mazda Miata. Enough said.

Esther said...

Get a scooter. With the money you save on gas you can save up to get your laptop, or hand computer, whichever you save up enough money for first.

The Yospe's said...

I would think you were pretty cool if you had a scooter! also, your argument for a scooter was much more compelling. All the people with scooter's in Italy had that little attachable roof. I thought they were pretty cool. and, there, it is cool to drive a scooter. I don't think anyone thinks scooters are lame anymore.

Cheeseboy said...

Thanks everyone for your feedback. Right now, I am leaning towards scooter...but I will let you know. Plus, if I ride the scooter too much, at least I have all that extra petroleum jelly to paste on my thighs.

sacdaddy said...

I still have a scar on my leg from the time I rode your motorcycle in my underwear, and burned my leg on the engine. For Real.

Cheeseboy said...

Steve - I don't remember that at al!