Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Is anyone out there good with a needle? (no thread)

"If you think temporary tattoos are okay, perhaps I can interest you in some temporary eternal damnation?" - Stephen Colbert

I have a secret, but please don't tell anyone. I've always wanted to get a tattoo. If you would like, I could come over and we can pull your jaw off the floor.

Nothing fancy like a butterfly or a rainbow, or a butterfly floating over a rainbow, or a butterfly shaped rainbow, or a rainbow shaped butterfly, or a butterfly spitting on a rainbow. (Although that last one sounds at least a little intriguing. If a butterfly spits on a rainbow and no one is there to hear it, is it still adorable?) Rather, I want something cutting edge, something that says, "I am so much cooler than my choirboy face and haircut make me out to be." Maybe a rooster with a mohawk or a picture of one of the American Gladiators; preferably, an American Gladiator with tons of tattoos. I would love to ask for a tattoo on my tattoo. Also, I prefer a male American Gladiator, but that is neither here or there as most of the time I can't tell the difference. (I think that is why they had Hulk Hogan host that show. He is the only celebrity that had taken enough steroids to tell the difference)

I've considered tattooing "Cathi" on my forearm, but I am afraid with all the arm hair, it would not be visible. Instead, I may weave "Cathi" into my arm hair.

I am not quite sure where I want to place my tattoo. I've considered the lower back, but that is so cliche. (I shouldn't say this, but the real reason is the hair thing again) Also, I'm not sure about this, but I think that sometime in the last ten years, getting a tattoo on your lower back has become primarily a female thing. How and why did this heteromorphic phenomenon take place? A man's lower back is the perfect palette for the tattoo artist to splurge and create. The perfect lower back tattoo would actually be a tattoo of a fanny pack.

But, I am no longer considering the lower back. I have contemplated a finger on my leg, a leg on my finger, an elbow on my knee and a nose on my thigh. I like to confuse people that struggle recognizing body parts. I've pondered inking a five dollar bill on my buttocks. I'd love to make Abe Lincoln wink while I do my daily palates in my backyard.

Alas, it will never happen. My dream... well not dream really. My aspiration... no, not aspiration either. My slight inclination to explore the possibility of the art of tattooism will never, ever be fulfilled. There are two needling reasons for this:
1. My wife likes things natural and that includes her husband's hair, butt cheeks and especially skin. Defiling my skin would be like committing marital suicide. (My butt cheek implant idea was also nixed by me lovely lady, mostly because they seemed like a want and not a need for one living on a teacher's salary)
2. I am under the impression that God will not be pleased and I am not one to try and tick God off. He may send me to sacrifice my first born - or more likely - my brother Isaac. I will also end up having to change my name to Abraham and nobody wants that. No, I think I should leave God out of it.

A unicorn! That's it! A designer, graceful unicorn, squalling up the back of my lower leg. It's perfect for so many reasons: It's not at all corny or fancy. It pays tribute to my seven years as a Uintah Unicorn. It's mythical and could kick the crap out of a dragon, or Mayor McCheese, or Mayor McCheese riding a dragon, or Mayor McCheese riding a dragon under a rainbow.

Can they tattoo the color sparkles and glitter?


Tammy said...

I've never understood why someone wants a tattoo in a place they can't even see it (like the lower back). What's the point if you can't enjoy it???

Have you seen that picture floating around the internet with the guys tattoo and his armpit? It's hilarious but very naughty.

CaraDee said...

C'mon Abe. Go for the tramp stamp!

Traci said...

If you are really tough, you would get a tattoo on your neck...there is a guy that used to come into the library who had his kids names tattooed around his neck. Would Cathi go for "Lincoln" and "Calder" in Old English-type font around your neck?

Hadley said...

Abe, I think that the Unicorn tattoo is a great idea. You should base it on the Unicorn on this shirt:

One of my all time favorite Woot shirts - so funny.

Cheeseboy said...

Had, that is the greatest picture of a fat unicorn eating a rainbow I have ever seen.