Silly first graders and their overwhelming fear of IDENTITY THEFT!

I narrowly escaped a First Grade identity theft CATASTROPHE today!

My illustrious, gifted and slobbery first grade class have been writing stories (for example, sometimes about a mysterious place known only as "The Wild") for a district wide "Talented Young Writers" competition. As part of this competition, they are required to write an "About the Author" page.

As I was attempting to explain what constitutes an About the Author page, the following conversation broke out between the class and I (Or should it be "myself and the class? Really, should I be allowed to teach grammar to young kids?!):

Girl: So you want us to put stuff about ourselves on here?

Mr. Cheeseboy: Yep. (Thinking: "Isn't that what we just talked about for the last half hour?)

Girl: Like what again?

Mr. Cheeseboy: We discussed that, Miss "girl student of unnamed distinction". You need to write your full name, where you live, how many brothers and sisters you have, things you like to do... stuff like that.

Girl: I know, but my mom said I should never give anyone my PERSONAL INFORMATION!

Mr. Cheeseboy: [laughing] You don't need to worry. No one will see these.

Girl: I thought you said that these were going to be in a contest?

Mr. Cheeseboy: They are. But you really don't need to worry. It will be okay.

Boy speaks up: Yeah, because my mom said you are only not supposed to give out information "in line".

Mr. Cheeseboy: In line?

Boy: Yeah, on the computer.

Mr. Cheeseboy: Well, you don't need to worry because these won't be on the computer.

Different Girl: Didn't you say that we would be typing them on the computer when we are done?

Mr. Cheeseboy: Yes, but we won't put them on the internet.

Different Boy: If it's on the computer, then it is on the internet.

Mr. Cheeseboy: Not really. But we don't need to worry about that because it is okay because we can trust the people that will be reading your stories.

First Girl: Do you know them?

Mr. Cheeseboy: No.

Girl: My mom says you are not supposed to trust strangers with your personal information. (She could not stop saying "personal information". Her mother must totally ingrained this in her brain.)

Mr. Cheeseboy: Yes, but I will be trusting them, not you. So don't worry.

Girl: Well, I don't want the strangers to see my personal information.

Mr. Cheeseboy: Well, just don't put anything REALLY important. Just write what kind of animal you like or your favorite color and stuff like that.

Girl: Is that stuff 'personal information'?

Mr. Cheeseboy: I'm going to say no, not really.

Girl: But my favorite animal... It IS IMPORTANT!

Mr. Cheeseboy: - sigh - [mixed with laughter] Well, what DO you want to put on your "About the Author" page?

Girl: Just my picture. Not my name or anything. So the strangers won't know who I am.

Mr. Cheeseboy: But they will know what you look like, right?

Girl: Well, in my picture, I will wear a brown wig. (She is blond)

Mr. Cheeseboy: Alright fine. Good plan.

The end. Identity theft narrowly escaped.

- phew -

Song of the Day: Vampire Weekend - Cousins

Can't wait for this evening when I will be seeing these guys live. I am so enamored with this group, I am attempting to grow my hair to match the lead singer, Ezra Koenig's. Another month and I shall have it, I think.

VAMPIRE WEEKEND TONIGHT!

A St. Patrick's Day Miracle!

Teachers HATE St. Patrick's Day.

{Pinch}

Yep, it is really here.

When my first grade students arrive on this blessed day, I lay down some very basic, yet vital pinching ground rules:

1. There will be NO PINCHING!
2. I don't care if they are not wearing green, THERE WILL BE NO PINCHING!
3. If there are any questions, refer to rules 1 & 2.

- This never works -

By 10:00 my rug is soaked with the tears of 7-year-olds. It seems, they always find a perceived loophole.

"They said I wasn't wearing green, but I had it on my underwear!" [Kid then proceeds to give themselves a wedgie by pulling their underwear up over their jeans to prove it to me while I stand and cringe]

Today was a St. Patrick's Day miracle! In the morning, a dad came and blew up some Diet Coke with some Mentos (NOW, THAT NEVER GETS OLD!) and we then went a field trip. No one even had a chance to pinch or be pinched. I was amazed.

Now, what kind of sick, twisted Irish tradition is this that kids start bruising each other for no other reason except they may or may not be wearing the color green?! Upon doing some further research, I discovered the following:

The act of pinching on St. Patrick's day began in America with Irish settlers who tried to get their kids to behave by telling them that fairies would come pinch them.

The first question I have is obvious:

WHY WOULD THESE DOGS START THIS TRADITION AND HOW DO THEY PINCH WITHOUT THUMBS?! AND WHO LISTENS TO DOGS?

Secondly -

Pinching fairies? Every fairy I have ever known sprinkles glittery dust or gives you money... AND that includes Richard Simmons! (But he still owes me.)

The tests came back and I am officially a victim of alleycat brutality.

Today I was victimized by an stray alley cat.

AND LET ME LEAD OFF BY SAYING - I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP! AN ALLEY CAT ATTACKED ME WITH IT'S CLAWS OF DEATH!

This afternoon, I put on my jogging gear and headed for the hills: the Nikes, silky shirt, shorts, but no underwear - due to the painful chafing that accompanies them. (Another post for another blog for another day)

Oh, and by "hills", I mean Murray Park - the perfect joggers destination. Except, apparently, for the alley cat problem and the invisible, tattooed drug lords.

I was taking a short cut, next to an abundant pine tree, when I glanced down at my iPod. For some shockingly abhorrent reason, a "Dr. Jean and Friends" song came on while in "random" mode.

I HATE when my school music gets mixed in with my iTunes music. It's like watching a Utah football game and then it is suddenly interrupted with Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone. Oh wait... THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED ONCE! Well, it sucks ALMOST as bad as that.

ANYWAY, while glancing down, I clumsily brushed up against the pine tree and to my chagrin (is chagrin a good thing?), I was viciously attacked by a raging lunatic feline.

My leg was wounded. Badly. Bloodied, in fact. Badly bloodied and bruised by a buffoon of a bobcat. (See photo below, but not yet...)

I kinda, sorta, kicked away the attack puma and hobbled away as if I was filming a scene in "Saving Private Ryan".

Now, I am not sure, but if you live in Utah and looked out your window today, you may have noticed it is pretty stinkin' nice out there. And so it was, on this - the 16th day of March 2010, that I was officially laughed at by two grown women walking the park in their capri stretchy pants and pullover tops.

An official Cheeseboy humiliation.

When I returned home, sweaty and beaten, I immediately showed my wife the wound and spoke ill will towards the blood ravaged kitty. My wife's response was typical: "You are SO weird!" Followed by, "This could only happen to you." And then she laughed and laughed, like I was a brain-dead, prop person on "Fear Factor".

Here are my battle wounds. Please pay specific attention to the muscuality of my thighs and not the jewfro that adorns them. And you think this is bad, you don't want to see what happened to that stupid cat!*

























*The cat actually escaped with no harm.

Excuse me, your FACEBOOK is showing!

I am STILL fascinated by facebook. I am intrigued by every nuance of it's every corner.

In fact, I am so enamored by the blasted site, I am blogging about it for a THIRD time!

DARN YOU FACEBOOK! DARN YOU TO "HELL"!

(I was told by a 10 year old that I was tutoring this week and another teacher at school that "hell" is not a swear word as long as you are referring to the place. "Damn", on the other hand, is a swear word because "damn" is not an actual place. This makes perfect sense and I am running with it)

I've been on facebook for, I don't know, maybe 15 months now.

(My friend count is up to 426, by the way. That's 426 people that need to know what the Cheeseboy is up to 24-7. When it comes to facebooking I'm pretty much a minor celebrity. I know this because some guy named "David Lee Roth" only has 412 friends. Look it up!)

ANYWAY, while subconsciously perusing facebook, I have noticed how different age groups use it. If you shall indulge me for a minute, I shall elaborate for the facebook clueless.

GIRLS, aged 13- 17: Girls in this age group use facebook to join "pages" or "fan groups". My niece, who is 13, has joined 349 "pages", including one called "It's funny when your pencil falls out of your hand randomly during class" and "I hate it when one string on my hoodie becomes longer than the other one."

I HATE THAT TOO! I should join.

My niece seems to be in contest with my 13 year old next door neighbor who has joined 731! "pages", including one called "I'm friends with an Asian" (not offensive if you are 13, apparently), and one called "Have cellphones in class!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

That brings me to another point - teenaged girls use a lot of exclamation points in their status updates!!!!!!!!

I know what you are thinking: If you are so annoyed by these updates, why not just put these girls on ignore? The answer to that is simple: What exactly would I be blogging about right now if I did that? (Also, I just saw that my 15 year old cousin just became a fan of "duct tape" and she is actually in the lead with 781 pages. I'm calling you out - niece and next door neighbor!)

BOYS, age 13-18: My extensive facebook studies have led me to conclude that boys this age use facebook primarily to call into question their buddy's sexuality.

WOMEN, age 18 - 25: Actually, of my 426 friends, I don't think I have a single one that is a woman in this age group. If I had to guess though, I would think their status updates are all about gaudy, pale vampires or eating crapes and then feeling guilty about it.

MEN, age 18 - 25: Men in this age group generally use facebook to post pictures of themselves playing paintball, waterskiing or hanging out with attractive females that look like they are pretending to have fun with said man.

Oh, and they also occasionally question their buddy's sexuality.

WOMEN, age 25 - 40: Women in this category like to let us know about their baby's sleeping habits. These make up about 90% of this group's status updates.

"Baby Charlie is finally asleep! Life is wonderful!"
"Little Sarah slept for 9 hours straight last night! Someone please pinch me!"
"Zacharia REFUSES to go to sleep! I just want to die!"

(Women in this group also tend to use a lot of exclamation points, but they have learned to limit themselves to one exclamation point per sentence. And that, my friends, is a compliment to our American education system!!!!!!!!)

5% of this group's posts are about how wonderful their husband's are. You see, teenage girls battle to see who can join the most pages... while women in this category battle to see which one has the most romantic or adorable husband.

The last 5% of this group's status updates are about how STUPID 'The Bachelor' is. Yet, they keep watching... and watching... and watching...

MEN, age 40+: Once you hit this age, most of your status updates are about how crappy you feel all the time. Or, if you're my dad, you skip the middleman and simply post about dying. This was his update the other day:

"My wife and I purchased our cemetery lots yesterday. I am starting to believe I just might not be changed in a twinkle – or burnt to a crisp. But if I am maybe I can sell it to someone else."

I hope those lots don't get used for a long time.

WOMEN, age 40+: Women don't like to be seen as "complainers" so they rarely post about how cruddy they are feeling. No, women in this group usually post about one of three things:

1. The weather.
2. Their farmville farms.
3. How stupid 'The Bachelor' is, but they just can't stop watching... and watching... and watching...

Help me decide if I need a wearable towel. (Only $19.99, a $35 vaule. Includes uncomfortable backpack for handy carrying)

I am extremely interested in purchasing this product, but I have a few questions before I lay down my $19.99.

1. Why is the first women wearing a flesh colored bra and why does my wife not own one?
2. What is with the rhyming? Does the wearable towel make you rhyme?
3. Who are these people that are wearing HEAVY robes? What is the weight of a wearable towel? What is the difference in weight distribution of a robe to a wearable towel? Are heavy robes really a problem for people?
4. A towel with arm openings? I think I have heard of it... it's called a robe.
5. I like the 'hand freedom' idea but I don't really feel that my normal towel is holding me back in that area.
6. Who actually reads a paper anymore?
7. Wouldn't wearing them with family and friends just be considered a 'Toga Party'?
8. Does wearing one while reading Haute Magazine in bed make you sophisticated and sexy? (Haute living is an exclusive magazine servicing the luxury lifestyle and celebrities interested in fine dining, hotels, homes, accessories and vehicles) Do you have to be sophisticated to buy one or do you become sophisticated after you buy one?
9. How does the fact that they are 100% cotton make them "first class in quality". What is the stitch count?
10. The commercial is not clear... are there any fasteners on the wearable towel?
11. I am confused by what you mean by, "The wearable towel is UNISEX"?!
12. From what I can see, you can do the following in a wearable towel: Pet a dog, talk on the phone, do the dishes and eat watermelon with your grandpa. IS THIS REALLY TRUE?
13. Is the wearable towel backpack wearable too?
14. How would one use the bathroom while wearing a wearable towel?

Song of the Day: Bishop Allen - Cue The Elephants

Alright, I guess I am so behind the times, I failed to realize that the entire world had seen OK Go's newest video. I thought I was so hip, only to realize that people are openly mocking me for my complete unhipness.

So, I decided to go with something a little more low key for my song of the day. An acoustic version of Bishop Allen's "Cue The Elephants". Bishop Allen is an indie band from Brooklyn. This song caught my attention the other day and I have had it on repeat in my brain ever since.

Sorry, the video is not quite as cool, but the song makes up for it. I also apologize for bothering you with a video that I clearly was the only person on earth that had NOT seen it. Or something like that.

A timeline of my life had I (Abe) been named the third "Cory" as originally planned.

The incorporable, much beloved, profoundly plodded Corey Haim was found dead today. (It is beyond despairing. I spent the majority of the day rolled up in the fetal position, which is a very difficult thing to do while you are trying to teach First Grade)

Fortunately, amazingly and ironically, when he was found, his hair still had perfect bounce and body. It was... a miniature Cory miracle during a time of great melancholy in the land.

This sad turn of events has had me questioning my own mortality. First of all, am I mortal? (I have been touched by Jacob. My apologies... a little LOST inside humor there) Secondly, if I am mortal, will I die? And finally... How would my life be different if I had accepted the offer to become the third "Cory" back in 1984? (The other "Cory" being Cory Feldman of "the two Corys" fame)

I have thus created the following "alternative timeline" (Another LOST drop. Again, my apologies) that explains how my life would have been different today had my numbskulled, overpaid agent simply said "yes" to allowing the Corys to be thrice. Let's take a closer look:

December 21, 1984 - My agent receives a phone call from the Corys. They are deeply interested in adding a third Corey to their duo. This time, my agent tells them that I (Abe) am in fact very interested - that I have the perfect "Cory" face and that I will soon be puffing out my hair in an extreme "Cory" style to meet their specifications.

December 28, 1984 - I purchase a levi jacket and some bandannas at a local mall.

January 12, 1985 - I legally change my name to "Korey", using the K as a method to tell me apart from the other two Corys. My mom is not thrilled, but she gladly accepts a residual check from a Cory.

January 16, 1985 - Work begins on our first feature film together as a "Corey-fied Threesome". The film is called, 'The Toehead Boys' and makes over 64 million at the box office. I play "Little Toe-E" - an adorable toe head with a lisp and a dopey attitude. I am instantly famous.

June 24, 1985 - Corey Feldman and I get in our first publicized argument. Corey refuses to allow me access to his pet zebra that Michael Jackson gave him as a housewarming gift.

September 12, 1988 - After a run of several successful films with the Coreys, I branch out on my own for the first time. I play "Chip", a reoccurring character on 'Family Ties'. Chip is an adorable toe head that has an unfortunate lisp.

September 22, 1988 - I try my first shot crack with some chick I only knew as "Mallory Keaton". I am 12 years old.

March 8, 1989 - I began work on my most famed and acclaimed role - "Mick", an adorable toe head with an unfortunate lisp in the movie 'Stand By Me II'. I am the first and only Corey to ever receive an Oscar nomination.

July 8, 1990 - I accept my first and only Nickelodeon "Kid Choice" award for my work in "Goonies". During my acceptance speech, I am slimed... Double Dare style.

August 8, 1990 - I am admitted into rehab after my mom catches me trying to smoke Double Dare slime.

January 6, 1991 - My career rebounds when I am named a new Mouseketeer.

January 8, 1991 - My career tailspins when the New Mouseketeers is canceled.

October 28, 1996 - After a five year absence from acting, I play "Janitor #2" in an episode of 'Friends'. My work goes largely unnoticed by the critics.

November 18, 1996 - I reunite with the Cory's for a reunion concert. The boyband 'All-4-One' perform their #1 smash, I Swear while we Corey's lock arms in and sway in unison.

February 1, 1997 - I star as "Grocer #3" on 'Malcom in the Middle'.

March 2, 2000 - After a long absence from acting, I am readmitted to rehab. This time, it is not fake rehab.

December 8, 2000 - My career comes full circle as I am cast as "Billy" in the movie 'Not Another Adult Movie Staring Former Child Stars'. Billy is an adult toe head with a bad lisp.

January 16, 2002 - I begin work on the project 'Celebrity Fit Club 1'. I play myself, only 80 pounds overweight and with an embarrassing lisp.

January 28, 2002 - After losing 6 pounds on 'Celebrity Fit Club 1', I storm off the set after yelling "LINE!... LINE!!!" to no avail. A group of confused former actors applaud as I leave the set. I swear at them, but they do not understand me - on account of the lisp.

March 12, 2010 - I attend the funeral of my best friend, Corey Haim.

March 19, 2010 - My fourth wife gives birth to our first son (8th overall). We name him Corey, after Corey of the "three Coreys" fame.

Man, life could have been soooo much better if my agent had just said yes all those years ago!

"The Wildlife" by an ultra-smart First Grader

Everything you ever need to know about wildlife: A writing sample by one of my First Graders.

(I received this "story" from a girl the other day and it had me cracking up)

Outside all of us is a place called "the wild".

There are lots of animals in this special place. Some of the animals are: dingo, rabbit, dinos (which is actually an insect).

These animals in the wild don't have fingers.

Some cats are wild. I like animals.

When you go outside, look at things around you.

Some people shoot animals in these wild places. They have lots of fun.

Some animals used to be wild, but now they're not. You may have a wild animal. Well, actually I don't think so.

Australia has lots of poisonous animals.

Some animals hibernate. Some people are allergic to animals.

The wild.

How to take great pictures.

I am not really one to write "How To" guides, other than the 6 volume set I recently released on 'How to Sleep Soundly on Any Surface Other than Nails or Glass'. Shamefully, it was not well received by the general public. However, I have high hopes for the Aborigines people, who are known to sleep on hot cinders and spend their bark-like money on helpful 'How To' books.

Nevertheless, I feel obligated to share my expertise on the art of photography, which is actually just a dirty, intellectual word for "taking pictures."

A word of warning: If you are looking to step into the cutthroat world of photography, you must first be aware of it's seedy, crime ridden underbelly. I've seen folks that started by innocently wanting to snap a picture here or "point and shoot" (as we say in the business) and they ended up laying face down in a State Street gutter, their bloody camera cord strung around their neck and a nasty case of foot fungus festering between their toes.

However, if you have the right instincts, the honor of a lion, and the speed and agility to escape treacherous situations, you might just have what it takes to take pictures. Regardless as to if you have these qualities (most likely not), if you are going to take pictures, you are going to need a to know the ropes.*

1. First, you are going to need to purchase a camera. While shopping, you will notice that the price of a camera is directly tied to something called "mega pixels". Although I am an expert in photography, I am not entirely sure what these mega pixels do - just that they are highly desirable amongst those of us in the photography community. Very often, you will find a desperate, inconsolable photographer looking to sell their spare mega pixels for ecstasy or Amish crafted scarfs. Do yourself a favor and get a camera with at least 15 mega pixels. 15 is the number you are looking for because you really don't want troublesome, aimless, homeless former photographers constantly asking you to trade your extra pixels for Amish crafted scarfs.

2. Once you have your new camera in tow, you are going to want to take a few practice shots, to ensure that it is properly working. But HOLD ON! Take some deep breaths... you're not ready yet.

Now, before you take a picture of anything, you are going to need some essential supplies: 4 double A batteries, a camera bag, a lens cap and a shoulder strap. Every photographer needs these items and most are available at Walgreens or nationwide flea markets. Please close your browser now, gather these items and return for further instruction.

Nice to see you are back. Have you obtained the said items? Good. Now place all of these things on your dining room table and take pictures of them. You are to begin your practice pictures here for two reasons: 1) Double A batteries have an illustrious shine to them that if captured on film correctly, can be breathtaking. 2) Just in case these items are stolen, you will have a photo to show the cops.**

3. Now that you have practiced and rehearsed taking pictures with your 15 mega pixels, you are ready for the real deal. I suggest beginning your photography experience with something simple, elegant and familiar- a family photo.

Of course, not any family will do. You are going to want a particularly handsome family. Preferably, the father must have a handlebar mustache, the mother should be shaped like an hourglass (and not a Russian hourglasses, with it's completely misshapen top and frying pan bottom) and the children must be properly nourished and look like little sitcom midgets.

If you cannot find a family that meets the above criteria, your own family will do. Just ensure that you are equipped with sufficient fake handlebar mustaches.

You are going to need some nature to hand place these people in - like Barbee dolls on vacation to the Poconos during the fall. In fact, fall time is the perfect time to begin your family photography excursions. The leaves make for a perfect backdrop, as does a nice sunset, as does a wooden bridge.

We have a common saying in the industry: "Take a picture, it lasts longer!" And it does. It really does.

Once you have your family assembled, it's go time. Place them in adorable positions. Perhaps holding hands, walking into a thorny bristle. Try putting the small ones on the knees of the bigger ones. I've noticed a good photographer always makes absurdly idiotic sounds around children. Additionally, you must be overly concerned about leg placement. These are tips I have collected over the years.

4. Once you have mastered taking pictures of actual people, you are ready for the big time.

- Nature -

If you find something that is nature, it is now your obligation to take pictures of it.

The best advice I can give you regarding photographing nature is to catch nature when it least expects it. Go out into nature, hide in a bush and wait. Then allow nature to come to you. When ready, it will come and your photos will glow because of it.

*Quite literally, if you become someone that photographs different varieties of ropes. "Rope-ographers", as they are often referred to as, will go to great "lengths" to get the perfect shot. These rope-ographers are well aware that - given the right light - the most photogenic rope is clearly the "braided polyester"

** I would also suggest, in case of thievery, taking a picture of the camera itself. However, I am not sure if you can get the camera to bend that way. Of course, you could ask someone else to take a picture of the camera for you, but I doubt they could get the camera to bend that way too.

Help stop LARGE PRINT fraud and protect the handicapped!

My wife and I recently had a lively debate about her merciless tendency to rob the handicapped of their rightful large print books at the library. She claims that if she places a large print version on hold, rather than the small print version (the ones we normal people use), she will get the book up to 49% faster.

Is this shameless sin akin to stealing a handicapped parking spot or using the handicapped bathroom stall? I think so, but I rarely read, and when I do it is mostly billboards or other people's diaries. I can not really relate to someone that is so desperate to read a book that they are willing to steal books from the poor, blind and helpless.

Why are visually impaired people doing all this reading anyway? If I were visually impaired, I have the perfect excuse NOT to read. On the contrary, I would have the perfect excuse to get an even BIGGER television. Sometimes I consider sticking sharp things in my eyes so I can apply for a grant.

Anyway, my beautiful wife seems intent on snatching a large print version of "Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter" from the hands of a wheelchair bound blind woman. And I'm sure she is not the only one.

There are others... perhaps they have an eye condition, perhaps not. But they prey on the weak; using their library card numbers as a literal license to take advantage of the meekly sightless. How are these helpless handicaps supposed to enjoy the latest mega-print James Cameron novel when these heartless thieves are hoarding these books... flip flopping pages like they are crappy candy?! Somethings not right with this picture, and it's not that the picture needs enlarging.

I once was in a crowded public restroom and there were a line of 6 people - all in wheelchairs - waiting to use the handicapped stall. I weaved my way through the web of wheels and knocked loudly on the door. Fortunately, the stall's lock was broken (as is often the case) and the door creaked open to reveal a ruthless non-wheelchaired man, sitting on the toilet while reading a LARGE PRINT library book! I pulled the man off the pot and threw him into the wheeled mob. he was subsequently and justifiably rolled to death by over 26 wheels. It is not a pleasant way to go.

I really have no idea why I attended that wheelchair conference, other than I was in the neighborhood.

Anyway, I know what you're thinking: What can we... ordinary citizens with a conscience do to stop the visually impaired from receiving their much needed large print books in a timely manner. How can we stop the heartless from further ruining their lives? Fortunately, I have been giving it much thought, and I have come up with a fool proof plan:

1. Those that check out a large print book will NOT be able to use the speedy self checkout kiosks at the library. If one makes such an attempt, an alarm will sound and they will be smothered in slime. (AKA - "Double Dare" style)

2. Those that wish to check out a large print book must provide proof of visual impairment to the librarian. Proof may consist of:

• A seeing eye dog. (Must be fitted with a harness. You can't just bring in any dog and claim that it a seeing eye dog. If there is any question, the librarian may ask the dog to perform a series of dog tricks that only seeing eye dogs can perform)
• A prescription or doctors note that proves very poor eyesight.
  
• A seeing eye monkey. (Same provisions for seeing eye dog apply)
• A birth certificate proving that you are over 85 years of age.
• If all else fails (or the dog is misbehaving), each library will be fitted with an eye exam machine, much like they have at the DMV. The eye exam machine will also be hooked to a lie detector... to weed out the liars. Liars will have slime dumped on them, Double Dare style.
  

Ways to incorporate quotes from the Karate Kid movies into everyday life.

Quote:
"Man who catch fly with chopstick accomplish anything."

Uses:
To get a cheap laugh while waiting for your check at a Chinese restaurant.
When attempting to sell your newly invented gadget, the "giant fly-swatting chopstick".


Quote:
"Canvas. JC Penney, $3.98. You like?"

Uses:
Whenever someone compliments you on your belt.
When pretending to get mad at your kids.

Quote:
"We do not train to be merciful here. Mercy is for the weak. Here, in the streets, in competition: A man confronts you, he is the enemy. An enemy deserves no mercy."

Uses:
As an example of something you shouldn't say when you are teaching your Sunday School lesson on mercy.
While teaching your spinning class at the gym.

Quote:
"Wax on... wax off. Wax on... wax off. "

Uses:
Something to break the tension while your spouse is waxing your back.
While scraping off the candle wax from a birthday cake.

Quote:
"Look eye!, always look eye! "

Uses:
During an eye appointment.
When questioning a witness on the stand.

Quote:
"Sweep the leg."

Uses:
Anytime you see anyone get in a fight... ever.
Whenever you see a janitor get dirt on his leg.

Quote:
"Get him a body bag! Yeah! "

Uses:
If you are a head mortician.
If you are pretending to be a head mortician for a game.

Tim Burton

Tim Burton is the most dark, ominously uncouth director in Hollywood and that my friends, is why I love him. I have seen his every picture... Everything from 'Pee-Wee's Big Adventure' in 1985, to his last picture, 'Sweeny Todd' in 2007. While there have been the occasional bombs ('Mars Attacks!' and 'Planet of the Apes' come to mind), generally the movies are uniquely splendid - each one an offbeat and wonderful work of art.

It takes a special breed of human to be a Burton fan. One must relish in the dark and melancholy. Most of my fellow dreary Burtonites that I have had the pleasure of meeting also have a bit of a twisted sense of humor. Personally, I love anything different. Most of the Hollywood movies nowadays are monotonous and predictable, but Burton's flicks stand as mountainous statues... proclaiming a break from the norm. (That's not to say that his films are never predictable, in a very Burton-esque sort of way)

Friday marks the date of his newest, and perhaps most anticipated film, 'Alice In Wonderland'. Fortunately, I have Friday off and we will be making the most of the Wonderland opportunity. In honor of the new movie, I give you my favorite 10 Burton movies.

10. Beetle Juice (1988) - A Burton classic. Who could forget the dinner table seance dance? Thus, the slightly twisted sense of humor.

9. Corpse Bride (2005) - Sadly, this attempt to recapture the magic of 'Nightmare' fell just a little short. Nevertheless, the story telling is superb and the stop motion animation captivating.

8. Pee-wee's Big Adventure (1985) - Burton's first big movie was arguably his best. Just not a top five favorite of mine as Pee-wee always gave me the creeps in a weird, child molester sort of way. Still, quality film making and a very funny flick.

7. Batman (1989) - I remember as a 13 year old, waiting outside a Trolley Movie Theater for 4 hours waiting for the opening of this movie. It still holds up to the test of time and is probably the second best Batman movie ever made. (Plus, a LESS ridiculous Batman voice)

6. Ed Wood (1994) - Any movie combining the forces of Tim Burton, Johnny Depp and Bill Murray is a movie up my alley. (My alley is named "Burton Drive" and I do not allow cats!)

5. Big Fish (2003) - Burton tries to play it pretty straight laced and adds more humor to any of his previous movies. The result was a near masterpiece, except for it being bogged down by overly-dramatic elements.

4. Sleepy Hollow (1999) - The most underrated Burton movie of all time. From the very first scene - the shuddersome, crawling trees of the hollow, I was captivate. It's beautifully shot and the flashback scenes are beyond haunting.

3. Sweeney Todd (2007) - Burton's only movie that has been nominated for best picture, it should have received more consideration. The music has that odd twinge that fits Burton's style perfectly. I have only seen this movie once - it is not that you really could watch over and over - but it was truly great from beginning to end.

2. Edward Scissorhands (1990) - If you do not like this movie, you lie. You are a liar.

1. The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993) - This is the holy grail for Burton fans. Was it made for kids? Well, my kids have probably seen it over 50 times and they still love it. But, Cathi and I love it too. Not only is it my favorite Burton movie, but my favorite Christmas movie.

Long live King Burton!

Song of the Day: Miike Snow - Black & Blue

I have had a two week long love affair with this band. I just can not get enough. I always dig a good UK band and these fellas have what it takes and what it takes is the awesomeness to be awesome. In fact, you'll be soaked in awesomeness by the time you are done listening to this song.

Grab bag

By now, everyone has heard about the McDonald's 50 piece nuggets for $10.00. It sounds like a great deal, but when you break it down, that is 50 cents per nugget. (I did the math in my head) However, if you were to buy 100 nuggets, it is almost worth it because then the price goes down to 50 cents per nugget, BUT now you have 100 nuggets! It's fuzzy math.

Personally, I'd be much more likely to buy a single, giant nugget made up of 50 nuggets. I'd definitely pay $10.00 for that. It could be called the "Chicken McMammoth". $10.00 for 50 chicken nuggets mashed together into one Chicken McMammoth - I could definitely be down with that.

It's actually referred to as a "party pack". Please do not invite me to that party.

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Speaking of fast food, I was recently at the KFC/A&W/PB&J/Diarrhea joint and I noticed something I've never before - the "honey" is not honey at all. Rather it is called "honey sauce". Honey is actually like the third ingredient in the stuff. I am not sure what the first two ingredients were, but I know they had scientific names that I didn't understand.

That reminds me... have you ever read a food label to someone with the ingredients listed on it and you get to the stuff you can't pronounce, so you start to just mumble through it? Here is a time (of many) in life that I sound like a total idiot. It happens to me all the time. I'll say something like, "Check this Trix out. Listen to what is in this stuff! Cad--mi--um, AR-cen-IC, Far--mal--di--HIDE?! What the heck is all that stuff?!"

Note(s) to self: stop eating Trix. Also, never become a chemist.

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I was on the news recently, which makes me wonder if I really should be on the news. Fortunately, they cut out the part that I started mixing metaphors and dropping double negatives. Unfortunately, they did catch my huge nose. Fortunately, I had used my nose hair trimmers that morning. Unfortunately, the lady that interviewed me did not. She was a beast of a woman - the lovely and talented Sandy Riesgraf. She is something special. I know because I could see her heart beating through her chest.