Thursday, March 27, 2008

I am a frail, frail man.

You may not know this about me but I am a hypochondriac.  I am a bad hypochondriac.  So much so that I am a hypochondriac about being a hypochondriac.  Ask my wife.  It is really so bad that it has almost become a mental illness.  Again, this is the absolute truth, ask my wife. I worry constantly about my health.  Everyday an hour does not go by when I do not have some sort of health anxiety.  It started on my mission when I swore I had a fungus on my tongue.  It probably wasn't really a fungus or anything really.  But I put scope in my mouth and left it there for a full half hour.  I burned all of the skin off every part of the inside of my mouth and I could not eat solid food for almost a week.  

Now, I realize that this will be a very funny list.  It is to me now that I have read it over.  But at the time these where all real ailments that I stressed about to no end.  In the last 10 years, I have had the following health problems that I have worried continuously about (either real or imagined).

  • Constant headache for a month (most likely brain tumor)
  • Dizziness for a month (again, brain tumor)
  • A crackling in the left ear when hearing a loud sound.  (Most likely a broken ear drum from sticking a drum stick in my ear as a teenager and falling down the stairs, of course breaking my ear drum)
  • Deviated septum - (ENT told me I had this at a recent visit)
  • Heart murmur (doctor told me I had a slight one at at recent visit)
  • Lump in my throat (most likely throat cancer, turns out it was just from my acid reflux)
  • Burping up acid (again, acid reflux)
  • Quick, sharp chest pains (Had this for years.  I was even checked thoroughly for heart problems, which I was sure I had.  Turns out it was just more acid reflux.)
  • Tingling in my back.  (No pain just tingling.  I was sure I had MS.)
  • MS - thought I had this on several occasions.
  • Diarrhea - everyone has a case of this occasionally.  I had it for a week once and thought for sure I had stomach cancer.
  • Eyesight getting worse - I thought this was a symptom of having MS.
  • Foot pain - now I know this is just from jogging so much, but it still hurt.
  • Recent horrible rash on my back.  I thought for SURE I had shingles.  I still think I might have.  Of course, it was probably just a rash.  It hurt though.  Of course, the rash combined with the tingling in my back could only mean one thing.  SPINAL CANCER!
  • Butt pain - I have been having this for about a week.  Again, probably just from over-jogging, but it still does not stop me from continuously feeling for a lump.
  • Pleurisy - OK, I actually did have this, twice, like 9 years ago.  But I still worry about getting it again.
  • Acid Reflux - Still battling this and I take medication for it.  
  • Small, reoccurring rash under my right eye.  Went to a skin doctor, went away, but it comes back every so often.  Most likely, skin cancer.
  • One of my thumbs will no longer crack when I try to crack it.  I think I might have arthritis in that thumb.
  • All over body itching.  Not sure what to attribute this to, but I am constantly scratching.  What is weird is that my armpits itch the most???  Not sure what that is all about.
  • I had bright green stool once.  Totally freaked me out.  Not sure how many times I typed in "bright green stool" into Google to see what in the world that was.  I think I may have even typed in "neon stool" into a search engine.  I guarantee no one that reads this blog has ever done a search for "neon stool" before.
HAHA - I am laughing now that I have typed all of that. Wow.  The funny thing is that most of these symptoms can be attributed to stress.  What am I stressed about? My health, of course!  It is a vicious, vicious cycle.

The worst is when I get on the internet.  The internet is a bad, bad place for hypochondriacs.  I can search for hours about my symptoms and the more I search the worse the disease becomes.  What's more, I am even worse when it comes to my kids.  I could make a whole new list about what they may have had, but I will spare you.  I will tell you that in the last week I was worried that Lincoln had a tumor pushing against his eyes and that was pushing extra eye mucus (sleepybugs) out of his eyes.  I wish I was joking.


brandi (and tim) said...

Do you smell burning feathers? Just look on the bright side, at least you're not a hyperactive hypochondriac like poor little Philip from SNL.

Heather and Jake said...

Abe- This made me laugh out loud. Heather was wondering what I was laughing at..."just Abe's blog, I said." If anyone thinks Abe made this up, he didn't!! About every other Sunday he comes to Sunday dinner at our mom and dad's house and claims he has some new kind of illness. The strange thing is that you never know when to believe him because some of the illnesses he claims to have he actually ends up really having.

Cheeseboy said...

Tim, I finally remember what the burning feathers reference is from! Bandits. Haha. I was just watching it. What a great line.

Stacy and Blair said...

Oh that is too funny! I'm so like that. And I will look up everything. Like for instance: My new Injury. I started playing soccer for the first time since highschool. First game, first injury. My thigh is killing me like I can't even explain. Looked it up, definitely a Grade 2 Quad Strain. I don't even need a doctor! I do self diagnosis. But wow, you have been one sick puppy! I cannot say I've had all those things, I just have had episodes where I just pass out, and the Whooping Cough. No biggie right?

Lisa said...

Pure greatness!!:)

Out Of My Head said...

you are WILD!! I'm glad I came across you. Also, surely you jest. You do know who Elizabeth Taylor is don't you. Please tell me you do. National Velvet. Cat on a Hot tin Roof. original Father of the Bride. AND the most beautiful woman that ever lived (most of the time) Anyway I enjoyed my trip to your blog. Come back and see me some time and I will visit you again I promise

Mrs. M said...

I do the same thing. Sometimes I find lumps on my body that have been there forever (like, um the big glands under my neck) and manage to convince myself I have tumors. I sure get embarrassed when I go to ask the doctor about them. Do they make pills to treat this - they make pills for just about everything else, maybe there is help for people like us. I'm going to google it and look for a cure! :)

Becky @ Babes in Hairland said...

I had no idea ... no idea!

I can't believe you are a teacher and are a hypochondriac! You live in a swimming pool of germs every day at work. How do you ever survive?! :-) You've got to go crazy - especially at this time of year!