Cheeseboy Chart of the Week - Level of fo-hawk lameness

Allow me to introduce a brand new weekly feature on the Blog O' Cheese - The Cheeseboy Chart of the week. Today's chart: Level of Fo-hawk lameness. All charts will be created entirely by me, Cheeseboy.

I hate Rascal Flatts.

I hate Rascal Flatts.  Hate them. Bring on the scrutiny.  Bring on the griping.  Bring on the reproof. I still hate them.  

I come from the tribe of "Rascal Flatts stinks."

All of my preset radio stations in my car are set to "anything but Rascal Flatts."

"What Hurts The Most" is hearing "What Hurts The Most" one more time.

"Mayberry" fills me with spite.  The spite of an  enraged pitbull.

Chris Buttars is probably a Rascal Flatts fan.

Bring on the malevolence.  I'm ready.  

But I have to ask: Who's with me?

The perfect Valentines gift - The Vermont Teddy Bear (Plus funny Gaffigan comments!)

Alright everybody, I got this on facebook from my favorite "friend" and comedian, Jim Gaffigan.  I laughed so hard (especially at his comments) that I just had to share it.  Enjoy!  

Instructions: 1. Watch the video. 2. Read funny Gaffigan comments. 3. Laugh hysterically  4. Share with others.

GAFFIGAN: I’m not a huge fan of Valentine’s Day but one of things I do love are the commercials. One of my favorite is this one for Vermont Teddy Bear. Sure the first 50 times I wanted to kill myself, but now I watch it amazement.

Why I love this commercial
- Guy in cubicle wearing sunglasses on head? It does get sunny in the office.
- Announcer: “Giving her the ‘same old, same old”. That’s right women hate flowers and jewelry.
- Woman who receives Bear-gram is dressed like a lovely seductive dress.
- Only men in cubicles. What a coincidence
- Women in office completely over-react to gift of dust collecting bear.
- Guy removes sunglasses from top of head to see why whorishly dressed woman over acting.
- Disgusting line “so much bigger than I thought” reference. Excuse me?
- Announcer: “Take it from me. This is not your average bear”. Um who are you again? What is average bear?
- Guy actually has a “love” tattoo on his arm? Um ok. What a coincidence. I guess since I have a “love” tattoo on my arm I should get the bear with the “love” tattoo.
- Announcer tells us Bears are guaranteed for life. “Yes, I got my girlfriend a Lover Boy Bear 8 years ago. And it stopped working. Hello?”
- Free chocolate? Um isn’t that the “Same old, Same old”
- Guy in orange shirt pumps fist after ordering a teddy bear. Is this his first online purchase?
- Woman with crazy teeth (who did not get a bear) announces, “I can’t wait to give him my surprise”. Yikes.

Extreme Makeover: Cheeseblog Edition

As you may have noticed, the Blog O' Cheese has undergone it's first facelift.  Well, more than a facelift - more like,"Extreme Makeover, Blog Edition" without all the fanfare and that flavor savor guy running around with his shirt off, yelling at people with a blow horn.  

Let me first give credit where credit is due.  One of my best friends - Had, an accomplished web designer, designed a new header and the rest kinda just fell into place.  What I didn't know is that he secretly put a hidden dragon in the header.  Do you see it?  Yeah, if I knew how to Photoshop, I would probably replace that with a unicorn. 

I would like to take this opportunity to thank my brother Ike.  Ike, the header that you designed for me served me faithfully for almost a year.  It now has it's number hanging in the Blog O' Cheese rafters along with Darrell Griffeth and Frank Layden.

Given the new, sleek look of the blog and my new found supporters, I would like to make you aware that in spite of the economic woes our country faces, the cheese blog lives on.  In fact, it grows stronger each day.  It is like one of those snowballs that rolls down a hill and gets bigger and bigger until it barely misses a roadrunner and crashes into a wily coyote.  I forget what that phenomenon is called, but I have seen enough cartoons to understand the science behind it.  

I have been reading several articles on writing humor and each one is in agreement: it is not easy.  In fact, it is perhaps the most difficult kind of writing to excel at.  Not only do you have to write well in a general sense, but you have to be able to use your writing to make people laugh.  You also have to have an awareness of what makes people laugh.  I have found that it is very difficult, especially on a daily basis, to write something that a majority of my readers will at least chuckle at.  It doesn't even have to be an out loud chuckle to satisfy me;  I would be happy with a silent, internal chuckle.  

Some days I sit and stare at the computer screen in hopes that a funny topic will just pop into my brain.  Other days the writing flows easily, but I am left feeling empty, as if the comedy is a dying balloon and I am doing my best to hold it up with a flimsy string.  Strangely enough, it seems that I get the most compliments on posts that I thought were horrible and was embarrassed by them.  And then there are those precious days that I know I have written a piece of comedic genius and I could care less what anyone else thinks.  

The new and improved Blog O' Cheese rumbles on, rededicated to entertain it's friends.  Even if "entertaining" means being the last thing you click on before you go to bed or providing an outlet to spell an extreme case of boredom - please just keep reading.  Now just where is that Ty Pennington when you need him?  I need a new hutch and cabinet set to put in the basement of my new blog.

That reminds me dad, I don't think you would have all these women complaining about too many RC Willy Paige Davis commercials if you were to somehow get her former cohost, Ty Pennington to appear in the commercials with his shirt off. Am I right ladies? Just an idea.  (I really should have gone into advertising.)

More mascot madness.

In spirit of the "Blog O' Cheese Mascot Week", and because I have a lot of time on my hands due to my student teacher, today I dawned our school mascot costume and roamed the halls with a newfound fire in my eyes.  I brightened the lives of children far and wide with my surprise visit - dawned as a giant fur ball of corniness. I should start at the beginning...

I expressed my concern about the lameness of our school mascot to our secretary.  (Again, I have a lot of time on my hands and my Principal was at some sort of Principal meeting, talking about Principal stuff.) My main complaint is that we are a baby animal.  A baby animal!  These kids deserve better.  What could a baby animal beat in a fight? Only insects really - and only friendly insects, like butterflies.

I began searching the office for the official form to request a mascot change.  The secretary ladies asked what I was looking for and they informed me that such a form does not exist.  8,000 different forms in our office and not a single one is for a mascot change?!  Despicable.  Even more despicable was trying to find the form on the district website. 

I decided to take my plight to the people: the teachers.  Many were open to the idea, but had reservations when it came to what we should change the mascot to.  I suggested that we change it to something that is native to our part of West Jordan - perhaps the "Strip Malls", "Republicans" or the "Jack Mormons". I especially liked the idea of the "House Cats".  Unfortunately, these were not well received and I settled on a "Wolverine".  I am not sure a dragon and a unicorn, working in unison, could kill a wolverine.  Wolverines are pretty tough.

Alas, I was told by the Head Secretary that there was already a mascot costume and a new one would cost thousands of dollars.  I retrieved the costume from the closet and soon myself purusing the hallways, shedding like a bear in the summertime.  My new, enormous head clarified my thinking and I came to realize that our mascot is not that bad.  It could be worse.  We could be... DRAGONS!

In defense of dragons...

I thought this comment from my friend Had deserved it's own post.  Certainly, he makes some valid points.  Nevertheless, I stand by my original unicorn statement.

You have gone too far. I must stand in defence of the mighty dragon. During my education I have been a hornet, a ram, a Ute, and even a Griffin (another amazing mythological creature). None of these stand a chance against the mighty dragon. Allow me to explain:

Which weapon would you rather have with you walking into a dark alley, a jar of glittery sprinkles or a blowtorch? A single spiraled horn or dozens of razor sharp teeth and claws? What would you rather be wearing in that dark alley? Matching white jean jacket and pants with a long, lovely glittering wig? Or plate mail armor with spiked gauntlets and boots?

Everyone knows that Unicorns are simple herbivores. Their flat molars are designed to chew grasses and leaves - maybe even some lovely dew-covered clover (they like that pretty stuff). Dragons are carnivores. Killers. They have an arsenal of weaponry in their mouths - sort of like a warehouse of all of the unsold Ginsu knives. These teeth will easily and accurately slice through something as delicate as a tomato, tear through an aluminum can, and even a pipe! All without losing their razor sharp edge!

Take a line from the Dillworth Dragons school song (perhaps the funniest, and cockiest school song out there)
The other schools,
turn green with envy.
When they see us,
The Dillworth Dragons.
RAAAARRR!

(That gave you the chills, didn't it...)

Unicorn v. Dragon? I'll take the Unicorn every time!

I was a Unicorn.  Well, I wasn't literally a Unicorn.  I was a Uintah Unicorn.  The Unicorn was our Elementary school mascot; and a magical, mythical mascot it was.

We Unicorns are proud folk.  We hold our horns up high.  Unicorns have so many special powers: medicinal powers, sparkling powders, flying powers.  Plus, the horn.  That horn is so solid and sharp.  It is also swirls so perfectly.  Nothing messes with a unicorn.  Nothing.  So we thought...

As I grew older, my friends and I started hanging out with fellas from a neighboring school, Dilworth.  They too had a proud tradition.   They too had a mythical mascot.  They saluted the chimerical dragon.  They are the Dilworth Dragons.

Of course, a rivalry between these two creatures naturally developed.  Lines were drawn in the sand and sides were taken.  The Unicorn, a symbol of hope, purity and optimism was the Barack Obama of 1985.  The Dragon, a symbol of fire, death and destruction was the Miley Cirus of 1985.  It was clear which kids had the force and which kids had joined the dark side.

Now, the unicorn generally conjures up images of vibrant pastel posters, dark lights and pot smokers sitting around on a Wednesday afternoon at 12:35, having this very same argument about unicorns and dragons, while listening to Led Zeppelin.  For some reason, I now also think of Michael Phelps when I think of the unicorn.  Must be because of all the great athletes that came out of Uintah.

On the other hand, the image of a dragon brings on thoughts of dark hooded chubby girls with long fingernails and short skirts, smoking outside the planetarium while listening to Led Zeppelin.  Essentially, in the category of "likability of the basic fan base" it is a push between both creatures.

Those inane dragons usually argued that a simple puff of a dragon's torch and a unicorn would be left charred, smoked and helpless.  How insanely redicuolous this argument is. It could be true, but given the unicorn's self medicinal qualities, their charred bodies would not last long and they would be back to their graceful selves within minutes.  The Dilworth folk would then claim that the dragon's enormous size would simply overtake the unicorn.  Perhaps, but would a dragon really want to "overtake" something with a razor sharp horn protruding from it's skull?  Isn't it a little bit like an infant trying to "overtake" an open Swiss Army Knife?  Not a good idea.

It's simple really.  The logic of it all is actually embarrassingly transparent: The unicorn would simply fly circles around the dragon, teasing it with it's dactyl flying and graceful air moves.  As soon as the unicorn had decided that the dragon had been teased enough, he would simply spray the dragon in the eyes with magical, sparkly sparkles, aim the horn at the heart and dive like a Japanese bomber.  No amount of fiery fury could dampen the willpower of a dedicated unicorn.

Interestingly enough, the school boundaries have changed and every single one of my dragon friends would be unicorns in today's day and age.  Chew on that dragon lovers/supporters!  You are really unicorns and secretly, I know you like it!

In support of the mighty unicorn, I quoteth the Uintah School song:

Uintah you're making my light shine!

Uintah you're making me smart!

Uintah you're opening my mind!

I love you with all of my heart!

The Dilworth song probably has something to do with growing up goth and buying Pantera concert tickets.  Hey Dilworth people - call me when your so called "dragon" grows a magical horn.  Then we'll have ourselves a real debate.

Tooth Fairy MADNESS!

Lincoln lost a tooth last night. T'was his third. Cathi came up with a killer plan to have the tooth fairy bring him four quarters and leave them in a bowl in the corner of his bunk bed. Needless to say, we were awakened (or is it awoken?) at 3:30 in the morning to the sound of circular metal twisting through the air and hammering every wall, post and cabinet in the room. It sounded like a mammoth robot was spitting bolts in ever direction out of it's robot thighs. For a brief moment, I thought for sure a tiptoeing robber in a black mask and a black and white striped shirt was breaking into our metal jukebox to steal my Celine Dion albums.

I told Cathi that the tooth fairy does not bring change. She is strictly a cash carrier only. Surely, her little wings would not be able to carry a bag full of quarters throughout the world. She sticks strictly to the paper stuff. In fact, someday, not too far on the horizon, when you lose a tooth, the tooth fairy will simply credit your bank account and put a stub under your pillow. That way she is not flying around in the middle of the night with a fairy purse full of singles. She is just inviting trouble to find her and simply put, pixie dust works horribly as a mace substitute.

I told the kids in my class about our visit from Toothy McPhee last night. Each time I bring up the tooth fairy I am astounded by their TF knowledge. In fact, today I was told by my cousin's kid that her mom told her that the tooth fairy lives in a castle in Idaho. It makes complete sense to me as Idaho is known for it's fairy-esque castles and it's mystical, magical aura.

In a completely unrelated discussion about elves today, when I tried to argue that elves have magic powers, another child told me that only Santa has the magic powers - the elves are just doing the grunt work. Which makes me wonder, why is Santa hording all the magic? Wouldn't it be prudent to share the magic with the elves, at least during the busy season? If I were one of the elves, I'd be a little ticked. Here I am, busting my miniature tail off to make toys for the children while Santa lounges around on his magic filled butt.

I think I put the argument to rest with my assertion that elves are indeed magical. I argued that pirates are regular sized humans and do not seem to hold any magical skills. Elves, on the other hand, are tiny with pointy ears. It's just not natural. I mean, you wouldn't find an elf in any Natural Geographic. Clearly there must be some mystical enchantment in the the works with these freaks.

Lincoln woke up briefly during the flying of coins and commotion. Thankfully, he did not wake up during the actual tooth fairy delivery. It would have been difficult to explain to him why I was wearing green tights and ballet butterfly wings. The eye glitter I dumped all over my body was great for getting me into character, but it would have been extremely embarrassing if Lincoln had caught site of it.

Song of the Day: Radiohead - Jigsaw Falling Into Place

This video is great.  It is taken from one continuous helmet cam shot.  Fantastic song too.  This album came out over a year ago and I still can't get enough.

Fred's Follies

There is this old guy at our church, his name is Fred.  Fred knew my Grandpa somehow and he must tell me every week how great a man I am because of it.  He is a real close talker and he does not have what one might call "hygienic oral hygiene".  

Each week Fred gives me a firm handshake and tells me how great a man I am.  Each week, Fred opens our conversation with a new tag line that makes absolutely no sense.  I always walk away, shaking my head in confusion. I have begun writing them down. 

He always begins, "Well, there's a good man."  And then... the lines:

"Good to see you.  It's better to be seen than viewed, that's what I've always said."

"Life is good.  Better to have a good life than to give a good life."

"Always good to talk to you.  Talking is God's gift to our mouths.  Our mouths are God's gift to our friends.  It's good to have you as a friend and it's good to talk to you."  (This one I am not positive about exactly how it went, but it was something like this.)

"What a wonderful day it is.  The days filled with wonder return wonder two fold."

I am not sure what these sayings mean, but if the point is to make me smile, they work every time, even if they have to do with death.

25 Random Things About Me

Alright, I have given in already.  Please stop bothering me to do this.  I am doing it now, but I am sure that I will be tagged 40 more times before this virus has run it's course.  This was a facebook tag, but since it is requiring actual thought (actual thought should not be required while on facebook), I am placing it both on my blog and on facebook.  So, away we go.

1. I have been tagged over 4,000 times in my lifetime, including: tags received on the playground at recess both in my youth and adulthood and tags received on various websites.  (The tags on the websites are unfortunately catching up with the tags on the playground.)

2. One of the best compliments I could ever receive is that I am strange, weird or crazy.  I hate being ordinary.  

3. The older I get the more I feel like I should have been in drama club in high school.  Those kids I made fun of all those years - I realize now that I have more in common with them than I thought.  Plus, I have a goal of someday being in a play.

4. While in scouts, I once owned a 3 foot garden gnome that my friends and I started worshiping at camp.  It was confiscated during camp and we were told that we were being sacrilegious. Which of course, we were.

5. As a youngster, I was petrified of the movie Gremlins.  I once faked sick at a sleepover to go home early just to avoid having to watch the Gremlins.

6. Before I had even turned 16, I had already backed our truck into our house - and I wasn't even in it.  I was goofing around in the drivers seat while no one was home and left it out of gear.  I then went and played basketball in the back yard and watched in amazement as the truck rolled directly our wood paneling.

7. I broke both of my legs the first (and only) time I went skiing.  And yes, I was on the tow rope hill. And no, I will never go again.

8. I am the only person in my family (my wife and kids) that does not have dimples... I am talking strictly facial dimples.

9. I have always idolized Chris Elliott (of "Get A Life" and "Other movies that are too numerous to mention on a tag").  I think he is the most underrated comic of our time - or really all time, since the beginning of time.

10. One of my most favorite thing about being a First Grade teacher is the response I get from women when I tell them I am a First Grade teacher.  "Ah, how cute.  We need more men like you teaching the young kids."  It never gets old.

11. I once bought a $100.00 pair of sunglasses.  Three days later at Disneyland, I watched as these glasses fell off my face and into the water surrounding Tom Sawyer's Island.  I stick exclusively with the $5.00 pairs now. 

12. I always wished I was the fifth, unheard of member of Boyz II Men.

13. I grew up with the famed "Hobbitville" in my back yard.  I never once saw a hobbit, but I did see a 3 foot garden gnome on more than one occasion.

14. I often have no clue what is going on in LOST, but I pretend to just to act smart.

15. Because of my extremely hairy arms, I have been called everything from "werewolf" to "gorilla" by my First Grade students.

16. I love being the center of attention (usually) and because of this, I will attempt to stretch my birthday out into weeks and sometimes months.

17. If I were not a teacher, which I love, I would very seriously consider going into stand up comedy.  No seriously.  This one is not a joke.

18. As I get older, I realize more and more that I am actually a huge nerd. Or perhaps I would just like to be a nerd; I love Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, TV shows about nerds, electronic music, lasers, the list goes on and on.  

19. I do not remember the last time I laughed so hard that I cried.  However, making my wife laugh so hard that she cries is actually a much better feeling. Fortunately, I have done this more than a few times.

20. My wife and I are complete opposites in about 90% of things, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

21. Of my dad and four brothers, I was the only one that did not go into advertising or marketing.  Call me a mama's boy but my mom is the best teacher I have ever seen and she helped inspire me to be a teacher.

22. My name is Abe and my son's name is Lincoln.  I was named after the bible guy and my son was named after the President.  We really liked the name Lincoln and would have probably named him that, even if my name was Rufus.

23. I am currently watching "Space Chimp" with Lincoln while I write this.  It is surprisingly funny. 

24. I will often catch myself checking out my own wife and then realize that it is okay, she is my wife.  I then pinch myself to ensure reality.

25. I can play just about any song on the harmonica and I have no idea why or how.  

This Space Chimp movie is really funny.  I have laughed five or six times since I entered #23.

I know nothing about gymnastics and I have the questions to prove it.

I went to the Utah gymnastics meet tonight. We generally go to two or three of these every year and they certainly hold some entertainment value. Being the moronic gym fan that I am, I have trouble understanding a few of the rules. Rather, I understand the rules, but I have no idea why things are done the way they are done. For instance:

When a routine is done, why do all the girls on the team scream, clap and mob the girl like she just won the national championship? Is this to impress the judges with their sportsmanship? Are they really that happy for their teammate? Is it just a show for the cameras?

Why are there two bars instead of just one. I have been told that the competitors have to show they can go from high bar to low bar, but they do not do tricks on the low bar. Then why not just take out the low bar and increase the trick to bar ratio on the high bar? Or, why wouldn't some girls start doing tricks on the low bar to impress the judges? Better yet, why not have two bars on the same level? I would actually like to see a series of five bars, all on the same level and at some point during the routine, the girls have to touch every bar at least once.  Sort of like the playground monkey bars.

What is with all the little hand gestures between the big flips on the floor exercise? Are the girls really judged on how well they strike poses or is it just filler? Could a competitor have perfect hand poses, fall on every flip and still get a decent score?

During the floor routine, why does the music keep changing during the routine? Can't the girl decide on one song and go with it? If I were a gymnast, I would pick a song that everyone knows to get the crowd into it. Something like Neil Diamond's "America" or that "I Kissed A Girl" song.

If flipping on that balance beam gets the big scores, why don't the contestants just flip back and forward the entire time they are up there? Instead, they are at it again with the hand poses.  I'm guessing probably filler.

Because so many Blog O' Cheese readers are bored with the Blog O' Cheese, I have written about sitting.

After a record breaking week last week, my blog has hit a bit of a lull. Readership and visitorship is down this week. I'd like to go ahead and take this opportunity to follow the media's path and blame the economy. Certainly, the economy is to blame for everything these days - even this strange rash that has appeared on the underside of my foot.

Given that I am desperate to get my readers something they can really sink their teeth into; something to spark interest like never before, I am writing about something everyone does. This is kinda like when Extra's ratings are sagging and they show Brittney Spears without her underwear for the 100th time. I have decided to write about one of my favorite things in life: sitting.

I enjoy sitting a little too much. The cushion beckons and my butt cheeks follow. My favorite sitting position is hunched, legs straight out, hand in the waistband of my jeans. I also enjoy the one leg curled under the extended leg with the arms over my head position. Another favorite is the sideways on the couch, with knees bent position.

Sitting in perfect comfort requires loosely fitting pants, preferably cotton sweats and moving so that the possibility of even the slightest wedgie is taken out of the equation. My preference is pajama bottoms with a tie waistband. I wear them two sizes too large to account for any wiggle room that may be needed at a moments notice. Socks are also required attire because of the temperature of which our house is kept.

I sometimes feel the urge to sit with one leg folded under my thigh, with the other leg on the floor. This is, in fact, a very comfortable position and I find it soothing to the soul. My heart warms while sitting this way. An unfortunate side effect is that my foot falls asleep and I am rendered useless if there is a break in or I have to use the restroom.

I love sitting next to my wife, but I find that her feet will often poke my thigh, creating an uncomfortable toe to thigh relationship between the two of us. I let her know, look, I can handle your feet on my lap or you not touching me at all, but a toe jab to the thigh is just not cool. It disturbs the entire balance of the sitting universe and throws my sitting rhythm into kaput's.

Often, when I am sitting, I will place one elbow behind my head. I am not sure why I do this and I am not sure I want to know why I do this. It is not for comfort's sake.

When I think about sitting, I think about the small of my back resting on that soft, protruding back rest. I think about leaning against that firm armrest, breathing deeply as if I were in a yoga class. I think about the ten calories an hour I am burn as I do nothing. Even thinking about sitting makes me want to sit.

When I am sitting for the long haul there are some necessary tools of the trade that I must have within an arm shot: the phone, the remote, a drink. Ah, the drink. It must be cool with ice floating and bouncing around like seals in a bathtub. While I sit, the drink must sit on the table on my side or the floor; but not where I may accidentally kick it over. Kicking over a drink completely screws up my sitting. I have to get up, get a towel, the whole ordeal. Look folks, I don't want a chore to do, I just want to sit.

The best sitting is done on a Monday night, when all of the good television is on. I will however, sit on any day. I am not prejudice in what days I will sit. My sitting knows no bounds. I have my preferences, but I promise you this: given the opportunity, I will sit anywhere, any place, on any day. You can take that to the bank.

** Note to readers: This picture is not of me... yet.

Make our visitors feel at home and move your cars to your lawn because rednecks from around the nation will soon converge on Utah.

You might be a redneck if you appear in commercials covered from head to tow in camouflage and the commercial is for something called the "Utah Hunting Expo".

Way to bag that buck Jeff-O!

Hopefully the rednecks bring some jacked up jeeps and a few of these to keep their goatees in check. It's called the "goatee saver". Simply stick it in your mouth and shave around it. Multiple styling options are available for any moron that is not able to shave their beard by themselves.

Ugh, tagged again. This time I respond on behalf of my wife.

Good to see that the vicious cycle has ended and February 3rd has finally arrived.

More tagging. Will it ever end? Apparently, tagging has now moved to facebook. I have been tagged on facebook approximately 115 times. I have finally decided to respond to this tag, however, I shall do it on my blog, and I shall do it as if I were Cathi.

You see, Cathi does not blog, nor does she facebook. She therefore misses out on the hundreds and thousands of tags that seem to come our way on an almost daily basis. Since I am all tagged out on myself, I thought it might be interesting to do the tag, but about me lady. So, away we go...

25 Random Things About Me (Cathi)

1. Cathi loves to read. In fact, she reads 5-10 books a month, depending on how long they are. Unfortunately, most books she remembers very little about.

2. Cathi claims, and I believe it to be true, that she has never in her life remembered a dream. She claims that she either does not dream or that she can't remember them.

3. She still cannot whistle.

4. Cathi hates to shop for clothing, even for herself. She gets annoyed and winded after about two stores, or three pairs of pants, whatever comes first.

5. She is the coupon queen. I honestly do not remember the last thing I bought that we did not use a coupon for. Not only is she a coupon queen, she is one of the thriftiest people I know. This works out well as we are living on a teacher's budget and I can be quite a spender.

6. I truly believe that if she wanted to, Cathi could be a Maybeline model. Sure, I may be a little biased, but when I see the advertisements in women's magazines, I think, "Cathi is at least that pretty, probably more so."

7. Cathi can cross stitch like you wouldn't believe. There are two people on this planet that have the cross stitching skills of a superhero and those people are my mom and Cathi. Someday, I plan on having a cross stitching competition between the two to settle it once and for all.

8. Cathi "waited" for me while I was on my mission, and by "waited" I mean dated other guys and occasionally kissed them. It's a good thing I am not a jealous person. Alright, it took me a while to get over this.

9. She is the least political person I know. I have tried to get her involved in things outside her life bubble, but she could not be any less interested. Watching the world news is not on her to do list. However, I do secretly think that she must care just a bit because I saw her cry on 9-11.

10. Cathi loves to conserve energy and water. She has us on a very strict diet of darkness and turning off the water while brushing our teeth. If there is a light in a room that no one is in, I immediately feel a twinge of guilt and have to turn it off.

11. She will not start a blog or facebook, but she spend a lot of time chatting with other coupon clippers in a chat room for women looking for deals. I have no idea what this chat room is called.

12. It is my firm belief that Cathi could go to Disneyland every day of her life. When we go to Disneyland, we get there when it opens and leave when it closes. Most times we go six days in a row and she is still not tired of the place.

13. Cathi is somewhat of a picky eater. She likes her food very plain, with very little pizazz. She hates anything from the fish family.

14. She has the patience of "The Patron Saint of Women that Deal with Three Wacky Guys on a Daily Basis".

15. Her hair is naturally curly, but she thinks it looks better straight when it is short.

16. Cathi is the world's hottest crossing guard.

17. She has horrible eyesight and one of her dreams in life is to get laser surgery.

18. Cathi is very low key. She hates the being the center of attention and doing things in front of people - especially dancing.

19. Cathi thinks Ben Stiller is attractive - which actually explains a lot.

20. She is really neither a morning person or a night owl. She generally has most of her energy around the middle of the day.

21. She hates "The Big Bang Theory" but she is starting to really dig "How I Met Your Mother".

22. One of her greatest joys in life is a Coke Slurpee and boy is she sexy when she eats them.

23. For some odd reason, Cathi loves country music, her favorites being Brad Paisely, The Dixie Chicks and a bunch of other attractive women with twangy voices.

24. She can not and will not lose in any card or board game that involves speed. She has an unreal mind that can find patterns at unbelievable speeds. In over 13 years, I have never once beaten her at a game that involves doing something quickly.

25. Cathi took AP classes in High School, completed college early and likely never received below a B+ at any level of school. And yet, she married me. It is one of life's great mysteries.

I do not tag anyone and I hereby order a moratorium on tagging. NO MORE TAGGING! NOT ON BLOGGER, NOT ON FACEBOOK, NOT ANYWHERE!