How they choose the women for "The Bachelor".

Please honestly complete the following questionnaire and return to the creepy bearded man at the desk.

1. Are you single?

- Yes (Continue to question 2.)
- No (Stop now and return this to the creepy, bony bearded man at the front desk.)

2. How many times have you been married?

- 0 (Continue to question 3.)
- 1-2 (Continue to question 3.)
- 3-4 (Lie and circle one of the above answers and then continue to question 3.)

3. How many STD's do you currently have?

- 0 (Stop now and return this to the flesh colored bearded man at the front desk with the butterfly tattoo on his middle back.)
- 1 (Continue to question 4 if it is not contagious.)
- 1, but it is contagious (Continue to question 4.)
-2 + (Continue to question 4.)

4. On a scale of 1- 10, how desperate are you exactly?

- 0-5 (Stop now and return this to the flesh colored bearded man at the front desk with the butterfly tattoo and the Wendy style ponytails in his hair.)
- 6-8 (Continue to question 5.)
- 8 - 10 (Stop here. You're hired.)

5. How many distinguishable physical flaws do you have?

- 0 (Honestly, you are too good for this show; but feel free to come back in December when we are casting for the lead in "The Bachelorette")
- 1 (Continue to question 6.)
- 2 (Unless you are planning on plastic surgery before the show starts, stop here and take this to the creepy bearded man at the front desk with a fake parrot on his shoulder.)

6. How prone are you to crying?

- Not at all. (Stop here and return this to the creepy bearded man at the front desk with the dripping, open sores on his neck.)
- Somewhat (Continue to question 7 if you can turn "somewhat" into "always".
-Always (Continue on to question 7.)

7. Are you open to arguing with other girls, sometimes including playful pillow fights?

- Yes (Continue to question 8.)
- No (Stop here and take this directly to the creepy bearded guy at the front desk with the overactive bladder that is wearing an adult diaper.)

8. If the Bachelor selects you, do you expect to get married?

- Yes (Continue to question 9.)
- No (Continue to question 9.)

9. Are you opposed to making out (or beyond) in a hot tub that other women have also made out (or beyond) in?

- Yes (Continue to the final question.)
-No (Stop here and take this directly to the creepy, bearded man at the front desk that has used mascara to make whiskers on his chin.)

10. Could you read this questionnaire?

- Yes (Take this directly to the creepy, bearded man at the front desk wearing the grass skirt and coconut bra.)
- No (Congratulations, you're hired! The bearded man is actually Ryan Callahan, Producer of The Bachelor. He has a few more "questions" to ask you. You'll need to put on this bikini and meet him in the hot tub out back.)

And no, it is not a time traveling hot tub.

** Note to readers: No I do NOT watch The Bachelor. I have only seen the commercials, but the commercials alone provided enough information for this post. And for reading this far - all of you get a rose!