The annual lice letter from school.

Lice. Want some?

Every year it seems as though we send home a note about a kid in the class that has acquired the dreaded disease "lice". When you teach first grade, this note is as inevitable as an upchuck on the rug or watching two kids pick their nose and eating it at the same time.

I have not witnessed them eat each others' buggers... yet.

If you are actually still reading at this point, I have to admit, I am actually a little surprised.

ANYWAY, we have been fortunate to not have required such a lice infested letter during this school year. However, it's only a matter of time.

Generally, the annual lice letter goes something like this:

Dear Parents,

This letter is to inform you that you a student in your child's class has lice. Please check your child's head frequently and be alert blah blah blah etc...

HOWEVER, it does not matter what is actually said in the lice letter, EVERY parent reads it like this:

Dear Parent,
Panic. Panic loudly and any language is appropriate. Flail your arms around a little. Yeah, that's the way. Good. Your child has lice.

Now, I am not sure if you heard me the first time, YOUR CHILD HAS LICE! (Well, not for sure, but PROBABLY)

Lice is deadly and the only cure is a tongue depressor. Unfortunately, we have used all the tongue depressors in town to check for lice. Soon you too will have lice and your entire house will be a lice infested carnival without the cotton candy or spinning rides.

Are you itchy yet? Completely revolted? Hold on, we're not done. Here are some things you will need to do to halt the infestation of the nasty vermin to your scalp, head bone and throughout your house:

• Wash everyone's hair in the entire household in gasoline.
• Burn your sheets.
• Burn your furniture.
• Burn your clothing.
• Shave off everyone's body hair.
  
• Put the pile of body hair in a plastic bag and burn it.
• Take the ashes and burn them again.
• Pour battery acid on the re-burnt ashes.
  

They also make a special shampoo that kills lice that you can buy at your local Walgreens. Unfortunately Walgreens has closed due to parents with lice looking for lice shampoo. All of their employees now have lice. Fortunately, Ride Aid still has some in stock.

Thank you for your understanding regarding this matter. You may now proceed to panic. No really, your arms aren't flailing enough. GET THOSE ELBOWS UP! Nice. Much better.

Yours truly,

The School that infested your child and ruined your life.

PS: As lice is a sign of poor hygiene and a destitute lifestyle, we urge all those that make less than $20,000 a year to keep your children home for the next couple weeks while we order more tongue depressors.