This Month in Cheeseboy Facebook Status Updates

As you may know, I am an avid Facebooker.  (Although recently I have also become quite the Twitterer.) Here is a list of this past month's favorite updates.  I'd love to hear your favorite or least favorite. 


3-16-11 at 7:00 PM: I'm ashamed to admit than when I play my 4yo son in MarioCart, I never tell him when he's going the wrong direction.


3-15-11 at 8:40 PM: Sometimes I feel like I am walking on eggshells. It's at that moment that I realize that someone has put a chick incubator on the floor.


3-15-11 at 7:05 PM: You're looking at the First Grade Dance Off Champion - - 7 years running now. Broke out some new moves that none of the first graders saw coming. Congratulations to me for tearing up that dance floor today! (And by "dance floor", I mean one of those colorful rugs that first graders sit on.)


3-14-11 at 6:57 PM: If you own one of those giant bounce houses... and you haven't filled it with the neighborhood cats wearing miniature football helmets... well, you're just wasting everyone's time.


3-12-11 at 12:49 PM: I am not saying I am a ladies man or anything, just that for whatever reason, 95% of the facebook "likes" I get are from women.


3-11-11 at 3:05 PM: I wore a suit to school for the first time ever yesterday. First thing a kid says to me is, "Mr. Yospe, it's NOT Sunday and it's NOT the prom!"


3-9-11 at 8:44 PM: I overheard this ACTUAL conversation from two of my first grade boys today: "I've put on a few pounds." "Really? I think that's normal. How many?" "Like 60 since I was born."


3-8-11 at 7:03 PM: Just saw a commercial that saying that if my kids eat fruit snacks, a kid in Africa might get a laptop. Wouldn't it make more sense if I buy a laptop, Africa kids would get fruit snacks?


3-7-11 at 6:11 PM: Just heard a giant CRASH in my 4 year old, son's room. A few moments later he came out and started looking for a glue stick.


3-7-11 at 4:13 PM: Last night I read from the book of Genesis for the first times in YEARS. Today Phil Collins retires. Coincidence? Only God knows.


3-6-11 at 7:10 PM: Arby's is supposed to be 100% roast beef, but I'm always a little suspicious because of all that horsey sauce lying around.


3-5-11 at 3:25 PM: ‎"Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers." And this is exactly why every night I pray to hear Garth Brooks songs.


3-4-11 at 2:59 PM: Celebrating 13 blissful years of marriage tonight. It was so awesome of our parents to allow us to get married at age 14. Cool that we had such progressive parents at the time.


3-3-11 at 5:19 PM: If I had a time machine, I would travel back to 1985 and make a movie about the the year 2011. And in that movie, Michael J. Fox would play the part of "Awesome, Handsome Teacher Abe", Charlie Sheen would be played by his father, Martin. And Gary Coleman would play the part of Justin Bieber.


3-2-11 at 4:46 PM: I got a warning letter from the garbage collectors for placing a styrofoam cup in the recycling can. Thinking of tossing an entire human made out of styrofoam just to mess with them. The irony will be that I will have him holding a paper cup.


3-1-11 at 7:11 PM: I guess there's been more than a genie in Christina Aguiler's bottle.

2-28-11 at 4:23 PM: No way Eclipse shouldn't have won last night for "Sound Editing" for editing out all that excess crew laughter at the dialog.

2-27-11 at 1:22 PM: Fingers crossed that this is the year the Oscars finally recognizes me for best costume for my Oct. 31 portrayal of "Lunch Lady"

2-26-11 at 9:13 PM: I've never in my entire life typed an emoticon. So, I am attempting my very first one here on facebook for all (meaning all 15 of you that don't have me on "hide") to see. Here goes nothing -------->>>> C;/

FYI: That's me with a very large brain, winking and feeling ho-hum about watching the Weather Channel at an unreasonable hour. 

Forget it, emoticons are not for me.

2-25-11 at 4:39 PM: I hope the next Middle East dictator to step down is Yogaba Gaba.

2-24-11 at 4:42 PM: Both my sons now both own a male Betta fish. AKA: Chinese Fighting Fish. No one at the pet store even questioned us purchasing two at the same time. Now I see how Michael Vick could get away with it so easily.

2-22-11 at 9:45 PM: Saw an ad for the seafood at the Golden Corral. Pretty sure this is the first time I have ever got diarrhea from simply watching a commercial.

2-21-11 at 1:00 PM: Both Disney-On-Ice AND the Monster Truck rally are in town this month. They should just combine the two. "Monster Trucks on Ice!" But be sure to have your kids wear earplugs, Ariel's death screams can be a little frightening to the young ones.

2-20-11 at 5:58 PM: I think you SHOULD hide your light under a bushel because it could start a bushel fire. And if there is one thing I know about bushel fires it's that they're friggen' awesome.

2-19-11 at 2:36 PM: I think an exception to the rule "Don't kill the messenger" would be killing a Singing Telegram Barbershop Quartet in a Humvee.

2-18-11 at 3:10 PM: When I was a kid I dreamed of being a comedian. I became a teacher, which is kinda like being a comedian, except I can punish the hecklers.

*If you have not yet read my last post, "How to Comment on a Lady Blog", Be sure to scroll down and do so. It's proving to be very popular.

How to Comment on a Lady Blog

A typical follower of the Blog O' Cheese

When my blog first went "big time"*, I made a straddling realization...

If I wanted people to comment, I may  actually have to comment on their blogs first. It was a Catch 22.  If I wanted to catch at least 22 comments, I would have to comment on at least 22 other blogs.**

The fortunate/unfortunate problem I was experiencing with blog surfing was that 90% of blogs were owned and operated by women for women.  Now, I loved getting comments, but I often was stumped as what I could write on diaper changing, GNO (Girls Now Obnoxious) and stuff having to do with periods and maximum paddings and shirtless Matthew McConkeys.  It was too much to handle.

And so, I developed a plan.  I created a set of generic comments that I could use for almost any lady blog.  I could then just scroll through my list of preset responses and copy and paste the one that best fits their current post.

Now that I have let you in on this patented*** Cheeseboy secret, I might as well share my list of comments.  Feel free to comment on THIS post using any of them that you see fit.

Cheeseboy's List of Generic Lady-Blog Comments****

 - Wow. Your kids are quite energetic.  I bet you have a hard time keeping up with them!

- So sorry for your loss.  My prayers are with you.

- Happy birthday!

- We've all had issues with our thongs every now and again. My issue is always the athletes foot, yours is a different kind of fungus.

- Didn't even realize you could do piercings there. Is that safe? How do you apply deodorant?

- My wife uses ammonia and bleach to get that kind of stain out. Always together.

- I've been to Walmart many times and that type of handsy harassment by the greeter has NEVER happened to me.

- If I were around that many giddy women for that amount of time, I'd probably shoot myself in the heart with a crossbow.

- I hate it when my hair does THAT!  But my highlights shine much more brightly at the noonday hour.

- I'd enter this giveaway, but I'm really not that interested in a Etsy shop bracelet.  Unless they are made with hemp. 

- I'd go to spin class but I fear I'd get much too dizzy. 

- Your husband is such a giant jerk!  All men are... except for me.  I am the exception.  I am like a woman, only I like woman. Well, one woman. And I'm funny. I am like Ellen Degenerous and your husband is like Charlie Sheen.

- It was a blessed day when my boys had their first crap on the potty.

So, there you have it.  A comment for every occasion.  Feel free to copy and paste mine, but add your own twist to it.  I don't want these women to come on to me.  Wait, I mean, I don't want them to catch on to me.

* By "Big Time" I mean other people worship me.  Not as "the God", but as "a God".

** Honestly, I have no idea what a Catch 22 is.

*** Not patented yet, but the paperwork has been filed. 

**** Actually, I do try and personalize each comment I make.  I do make some effort to actually prove I READ the post.

Why I don't own an iPad or an iPad 2.

The iPad was released the other day and I couldn't be more excited.  I pulled up my britches (pants) and fastened my trousers (sandals) and charted a course for our local Apple Store.

I hadn't gone but a half mile when I realized an unfortunate truth: I had no money and no hope of obtaining money.  I thought, "Well, this just ain't fair! (I think in hillbilly, but talk normally. It's a condition.) The only people that get to buy an iPad 2 are people that have money?  There should be a way for a moneyless man like me to get an iPad 2 without any money."

It was then that I realized, there was a way!

I returned home, opened my laptop and jumped into my spam folder, Facebook and Twitter.  I entered thousands upon thousands of queries and contests entitled "Win a free iPad!" That was three days ago.  I still don't have my iPad 2.  However, I do think that my identity has been stolen by a goat farmer in Naples and I've had to create a new, overflow spam folder for my spam folder.  (I'm thinking goat farmer because the other day my American Express was charged for something called "nipple clamps".)

Penniless and without any luck in the fake, online iPad contest industry, I decided to get my iPad 2 the old fashioned way: I would steal it from some punk kid.  

My plan was to hide in a bush on the side of our house.  As Junior High students would walk past our home, I would jump out with a Freddy Krueger mask on and scare them into oblivion.  Their terror would make them shake so fiercely that the contents of their backpacks would simply flop onto the sidewalk, allowing me to snag their iPod 2's and gallop jubilantly into my garage. 

It was a fail-proof plan and I would have gotten away with it too, if I could have found the Freddy Krueger mask from my 8th grade Halloween costume. It was all for naught anyway. I talked to a Junior High student a couple days ago and she assured me that most kids her age don't just have an iPad in their backpack.  Back to the drawing board. 

So I went inside and sat at my son's drawing board.  I always go back to that spot and stare at that stupid board whenever one of my fool-poof plans doesn't work out.  

As I stared at that board for the umpteenth time, I decided that my iPad plan had failed because it was a stupid idea.  I thought about what number umpteenth might be and if it was a magical number.  And then I admired the pirate ship my son had been drawing and I wondered why he had labeled the women on the ship "whores".  That concerned me a little.  He is four.

My drawing board plans were not working out to my satisfaction, so I decided it was time to start at square one. Fortunately, I have a hopscotch painted in my driveway and it was a warm day.  I went out and stood in square one for over an hour.  Eventually, a neighbor walked by and yelled, "Abe, why are you just standing there?"  I replied, "I'm trying to think of a way to get an iPad 2.  I thought I'd start at square one!" He just shook his head and laughed.  His name is George.  I've always hated George.

Everyone always says that you should start at square one, but this philosophy must have come from a square country like Australia or Mexico, where squares carry much more weight and value than in the United States. Plus, everyone always says you should think outside the box and as far as I know, square one is definitely box shaped.  

If you start at square one, you are not thinking outside the box because square one is box shaped.  I actually suggest starting at triangle two, because now you are thinking outside the box AND you have skipped square one altogether.  You are light years ahead of where you'd be if you had just started at square one.

This is a perfect example of out of the box thinking.

I don't even own a box right now.   I guess my house is a box of sorts - a box with a triangle top. My refrigerator is kind of a box too, but I never think inside my refrigerator.  Perhaps if I had thought inside my refrigerator, I could have thought of a way to get an iPad 2.  The cold would have forced me to think of something and think of something fast. Think quick... Gotta get out of this ice-cold box!

Maybe thinking inside the box is the new thinking outside of the box?  I think that some people that think outside of boxes are actually thinking, "How can I get back into that box?  If I could just get back in that box, I could think of ways to think outside of it?" If everyone on earth was thinking outside the box, wouldn't thinking inside the box be considered a lofty goal?

Do you see where I am going here?

Anyway, I have pretty much exhausted every idea I've had to get an iPad 2 and I now sit here typing this on my pathetic, boring MacBook.  So, if you'll excuse me, I need to start unloading my refrigerator.  I've got some serious thinkin' to do!

Apples

We have an apple tree in our backyard.  It's branches spread across the yard like long, twiggy, butterfly wings.  Actually, the branches are nothing like butterfly wings.  Perhaps more like bat wings?  Or Batman's wings. The point here is that the branches stretch.

The apples are always falling from that blasted tree.  No one eats the apples. We don't spray the tree and every apple has a worm.  That tree is a worm hotel.  Not a Motel 6, but more like a Howard Johnson or Best Western.  You know, a real classy worm hotel joint with a mini kitchen and the non-pornographic worm Showtime channels.

Every fall I have to go out and pick up the gushy, disease-ridden apples off the ground and put them in a plastic bag.  I feel badly because no Howard Johnson should go out like that; it's not fair, even for a two star Howard Johnson. I pick them up anyway. It's the kinda thing husbands that are still married do.  

We've since built a little tree house in that apple tree.  It has a slide and a steering wheel - the classic tree house paraphernalia.  I was hoping the tree house would kill the apples, but they still grow.  They grow and fall and grow and fall.  It's a cyclical thing, almost like it is seasonal. I just don't get it.

Every fall I enact my revenge.  I take that bag of glunky, worm-infested apples and I swing it above my head in a fit of rage.  I then throw the worthless sack with all of my might at the trunk of the tree and yell, "HOW'D YOU LIKE THEM APPLES, PUNK?!"

*Cheeseboy creativity and energy levels have sunk to new lows.  My apologies.  

The Awkward Meeting Between that Guy 127 Hours was Based After and the One-Armed Drummer from Def Leppard

- Hello sir.

- Hello.

- I'd shake your hand but, well... you know...

- Right.

- We could hook hooks?

- Yeah, I am really not comfortable with that.

- How bout we bump shoulders?

- Not comfortable with that either.

[awkward pause]

- You're that guy from that movie, right? The dude that cut off his own arm?

- Yep.

- You really sucked it up on the Oscars, you know.

- That wasn't me.  That was James Franco.

- I was wondering why his hand looked so real.

[awkward pause]


- So, you're the drummer for Def Leppard, right?

- Yep.  That's me.

- Amazing how you can drum so well with one arm.

- Well, you're still mountain climbing, right?

- Yeah, but I had to give up my dream of becoming an OBGYN.

- Oh.  Wow.  Well, I suppose that is in the best interest of women.  And babies.

[awkward pause]

- How did you lose your arm?

- Car wreck.

- That bites.

-  No, Love Bites.

- What?

- Nevermind.

[awkward pause]


- Well, I probably should get going.  It was nice meeting you.

- Yeah, me too.  You parked close?

- As close as it gets.

- Me too.

- Hey, we have something in common!

- Really?...  Really?

Saturday Graph: Mambo Number 5 - Twelve Years Later

CLICK ON IMAGE TO ENLARGE

At the Pope's Used Car Lot

-  ... and over here we have the Mercedes.  It is three years old, but only has 800 miles on it.  And most of that is parade milage.

- It's got that big plastic box on the back of it again.  Every car you've shown us has that big plastic box.

- Alright, alright.  I'll let you in on a little secret.  And I don't just tell everyone this: The Pope sat in there!

- Like the Pope Pope?

- Yep, Pope Pope. The one and only.

- Which one?

- One of the dead ones, I think.  One of the Benedicts, John Pauls, or maybe it was a Ringo?

- Wow. Did he die in there?

- No. No.  So what do you say?  Wanna take this baby for a spin?

- Look, we're Presbyterian.  We're not really interested.  Lets go, hun.

- Hold on.  Hold on!  Let me ask you: What's it gonna take to get you behind the wheel of this Pope-Mobile today?

- Well... we... we just wouldn't feel comfortable.

- Is it the whole dead Pope thing?

- Yeah, kinda.

- Well, let me ask you this: Do you like fish?

- Sure.  Yeah, we like fish.

- I'm thinking traveling aquarium.  It'll impress the neighbors.

- Um...

- I'll fill it up with water and even throw in a couple free guppies.

- Really, we're good. And look, we've got to go.  Our sitter is waiting.

- Hold up, hold up.  You all have KIDS?!

- Yeah.

- And they probably sit in the back seat, right?

- Yes.  Of course.

- Are they always screaming at each other and pinching each other, driving you nuts and stuff?

- Yep. How did you...

- Just a gut feeling.  Let me tell you something.  That plastic box - it's soundproof.  You can just stick them back there and they can have at it.  You will be none the wiser.  And check this out - cup holders!  The Pope used them to put his sunflower shells in.  And this baby's safe too.  Here, take this gun and shoot at that plastic box.

                                             - BANG! - 

- Wow, that's incredible?  What is that made of?

- The same substance the FBI uses to make it's Tupperware.  It was developed by top-secret Catholic Tupperware scientists.

[Whispering: Really impressive. What do you think, honey?]

- Is there somewhere we can go and talk?

- Of course, of course. We'll use Father Mulcahy's office.  Right this way...

I'm Honored to be 'Lady of the Week'.

Today, I am honored to be chosen as the Purseblogger "Lady of the Week".  I shall cherish this award through my entire adult womanhood and into menopause. Thank you, Purseblogger for this honor. You may read my interview here.

If you are looking for the usual cheese hilarity, please read my post from yesterday entitled "The Diary of a Wimpy American Idol Loser".  I am rather proud of how it turned out.

The Diary of a Wimpy American Idol Loser.

This is me.

Sunday June 12, 2010 4:30 AM:

Dear Diary,

It's 4:30 in the morning and I am standing in a line full of total wannabe DORKS!  Officially, I am number 2,572 but I know I am going to be number one in the hearts of those judges.

My secret plan is in full effect. I'm wearing my Lady Liberty costume, I've got my voice coach with me (Stefan) and I've eaten tons of that Jamie Lee Curtis yogurt to make me as regular as humanly possible. Nothing stands in my way between myself and becoming the next American Idol!  - - Except of course the 2, 571 dill-wad, voice-cracklers in line in front of me.

Sunday, June 12, 2010 4:37 AM:

Dear Diary,

Some important looking dudes just came out with megaphones and started yelling at everyone.  I was in the middle of doing my G scales, so I was a little PRETURD by the whole scene.  Some punk kid behind me pushed me in the back and told me to "Shut my Liberty-Loving Mouth!'  Apparently, he couldn't hear the instructions over the beauty that is my voice or something.

I'm starting to think I may have eaten too much yogurt.

Sunday, June 12, 2010 6:30 AM:

I'm the one with the good voice here.

Dear Diary,

We just saw Randy drive up.  There was a huge cheer from the audience, but I didn't yell.  Gotta save that voice for when it matters most.  The guys with the megaphones came out again and informed us that there are like TWELVE rounds of judges before we even get to SEE Steven Tyler!  That's so bogus, but I am not worried at all because with these looks and this voice, I'd go through five hundred levels of judges, no problem.

I really have to use the bathroom, but rumor has it that if I move, I lose my place in line.  That punk kid behind me said there was no way he was saving my spot. I sang an extra loud G scale IN HIS FACE!

Sunday, June 12, 2010 8:30 AM: 

Dear Diary,

It's official.  All that yogurt was a BAD IDEA!  Fortunately, the line has started to move, which is great because I have been warming my voice up for over four hours now.  Great news!  Some cameraman was taken by my kick-butt costume and actually asked to interview me!  I told him about how my mom told me I wouldn't amount to anything in life and then left our carnival to work with the circus.  I told him about how the Carnies raised me and my brothers and how I'm singing for my brother, Jimmy, who had a foot chopped off by a mis-aligned Carousel seat.

I even sang a couple lines of "That's What Friends Are For" for him.  I think he was impressed too because he brought his buddy over and said, "Number 2,572 George.  Write it down. 2572"  I'm number 2,572!  I must have made quite the impression.

Sunday, June 12, 10:30 AM:

Dear Diary,

I just passed the first round of table of judges and it could not... have... gone... better! One of the judges couldn't even look at me, I was that impfestive.  Another just looked straight down at her notepad and nodded her head to the tune I was creating with my God-given voice.  When I was done, they told me that I had been one of the most entertaining acts of the day.  I even heard the girl whisper to the others, "He's terrific. We should just send this one straight through to JLo."

I am thinking of switching things up and singing "The Final Countdown" for my next audition desk.
 (Also, I pooped a little in my pants, but we will keep that between you and I, Diary.)

Sunday, June 12, 1:00 PM: 

Dear Diary,

My voice coach has been massaging my shoulders to keep me loose.  The weirdos around us in line got all grossed out when he started putting Vaseline on my chest.  But he says it helps to loosen up the diaphragm.  I think they were grossed out by all the moaning too, but GET OVER IT PEOPLE!  This is A.I. and a mans gottado whata mans gotta do, if you know what I mean.  If they don't want to take this seriously, I think they are doing auditions for "America's Got Talent" across the street.

That camera man came back and guess what??? They are taking me straight to Jennifer, Randy and Steven!  They even said I could use the bathroom on the way!  This is the biggest moment of my adult life; well, aside from that time in the carnival that I rescued that poor kid from the top of the collapsing potato sack slide.

My mom is going to be sorry she ever left us!

Sunday, June 12, 1:30 PM: 

Actual size

Dear Diary,

I feel much better now that I was able to use the restroom, but I fear I still have a restijual stank to my pants. Those losers in line kept complaining about it.  No worries though.  Fortunately, the sweetness that will come out of my mouth will far outweigh any stench that steams from my pants.

I was just interviewed by RYAN SEACREST!  He was so little.  Like an adult Cabbage Patch doll.  I bet that's why that hot dancing chick likes him - because she likes to pinch his cheeks and dress him in adorable clothes.

I am just MOMENTS away from my BIG BREAK!  Fingers crossed. (The fingers I have left after the last carny accident.)

Sunday, June 12, 1:32 PM:


Dear @#^$ Diary,

This is BULL!  Total bull.  It could not have gone WORSE.

First of all, all three of those dumb judges said I stunk like "rotten potato salad in the bottom of a hamster cage" when I came in.  I told them about the yogurt.  In retrospectation, that probably was not a wise thing to bring up.  Randy was already giggling.  I hate that guy.

Think where that finger has been!

Then JLo starts in on my outfit.  EXCUSE ME, JLO!  Look who's talking!  It's you... and you have to order special pants just to cover your enormous BEHIND!

Finally, I start singing.  I chose Wilson Phillips' "Hold On For One More Day." I thought it was a perfect because I once had a bowl-cut like Phillips and I had had my stomach stapled like Wilson. And then I dedicated it to my deadbeat mom.  I dedicated it to heartless heart and her brainless brain.

Randy didn't even look at me.  Just hid his stupid face behind his stupid clip board and laughed at me.  Laughed at me like the Hoof-Handed Woman in the freak-show tent used to.  Laughed at me like the Bearded Woman would when I would put my finger in the deep fryer.

Back to the Carny for me.

When I was done, Steven had the ardASSity to tell me that singing "just isn't your thing"!  Hey bum-hole, I've got a voice coach out in the hall with a bottle of Vaseline that says otherwise. Moron.

Anyway Diary, it was painful.  But I do hope my mom was watching at her circus cause it's gonna sting her a lot more than it stung me.  I might be going back to my job running the Scrambler and my voice coach will go back to making cotton candy, but at least mom will know I made something of my life.

At least mom will know...

An Example of why I Drive my Wife Insane.

- It's my dad's birthday today.  I better call him.

- K.

- We have to go to my mom's on Saturday for my dad's birthday party.

- Uh huh. 

- We're supposed to bring salad. I hate bringing salad because no one ever eats salad.

- Hm. 

- So don't make any plans for Saturday because we will be at my parents for my dad's birthday.

- Okay.

- I'll guess I'll have to go to the store on Friday to get some salad.  What kind of salad do you think we should get?

- What?

- What kind of salad do you think we should get?

- I don't know.

- What kind of salad do you like?

- I don't know, I don't really eat salad that often. 

- Well, what kind of salad do you think my family would like?

- I don't know.  Why would I know that?

- Because I need to know for Saturday.

- Why, what is on Saturday?

- My dad's birthday party! Do you ever listen to me?!

- When is your dad's birthday?

- Today! I TOLD YOU THAT!

- So what's the salad for?

- NEVER MIND! YOU NEED TO START LISTENING!

- I DO listen!

Cheeseboy Thoughts on Utah and Two Other Things.

1. First of all, you can find me today at the LG Report.  The LG Report is a hilarious blog.  Its author, Mr. LG, likes to interview one blogger from every state.  I am proud to represent the state of UTAH in his quest.

So, click on over and learn everything there is to know about the great state of UTAH.  I have debunked many myths about our great state and probably started some new ones.

Just so you know, in the interview I mention living in Scranton, PA.  I am not from Scranton, but spent about two years around that area in my early 20's. I did, however, get to see "Scrantonicity" live three times.  Their drummer rules!

2. If you have been an avid Cheese reader from the beginning, you may be aware that I enjoy a good run.  As a so called "runner", I have high ambitions to compete in running competitions.  My goal is to win the Salt Lake City Marathon, but I would settle for coming in last in the Salt Lake City Marathon.

Anyway, I love to run in something called the Ragnar Relay.  This race lasts nearly two full days and you run in teams of twelve. It lasts through the night and if it is your turn to run, you may be running through the Utah backwoods at two or three in the morning.

It's great fun.  But here is the snag: the entry fee is a whopping $90! You see, I teach.  We don't exactly have $90 on hand.

So, here is what I am asking of my readers:  I am looking for one... ONE person (or company) to sponsor me.  For your $90 gift, I will do one of the following three things:

A. Shave your name into my chest hair and run shirtless.
B. Write your name on the back of my running shorts - one name for each cheek.
C. Scream your name over and over and over the entire time I run.

It is your choice!  This could all be yours for only $90. (Plus shipping and handling.)

3. If you missed yesterday's post about the Tigger Mom, I'd be honored if you read it.  (I don't usually post two days in a row, but I felt obligated today) And if you are confused - as I know some of you are - the post was inspired by this book by Amy Chua.  If you have not heard of this book, where have you been the last month or so?

An Interview with a Tigger Mom

Q: Before we begin, how do you spell your son's name exactly?


A: It's "T-I-double-guh-er" which spells Tigger.


Q: Much is made of your son's success.  Tell us, what was your secret as a mother?


A: I was very strict with my son from a very early age.  At age 3 I had enrolled him in bouncing class.  By the time he was 5 he was an expert bouncer and could curl his tail six different ways. Most boys his age were still learning not to sniff each others' butts.

Q: Besides bouncing, what activities did you have your son participate in as a child?

A: I think it is very important to raise a well rounded child.  I enrolled him in classes in tree climbing, rabbit annoyance, hopscotch, and the clarinet. I addition, I taught my son basic principals of the hundred acres: Stay away from little black rain clouds, never hold a balloon filled with helium, keep your paws out of holes in trees.  You know, basic survival stuff.

Q: And how did your son take to being involved in so much at once?

A: He resented me at first.  He HATED the clarinet.  I mean, he despised that thing!  But I never let up.  He was going to learn that danged clarinet even if it meant every animal in the forests ears bled. And you know what?  He still can't play the clarinet.  But he learned a valuable lesson: Tiggers do not have the proper lips to play a clarinet.

Q: Was your husband supportive of your parenting techniques?

A: My husband left us when my son was two.  He always said, "A hundred acres could never hold me." Last I heard, he had shacked up with some floozy owl and was performing on Disney cruise ships.

Fortunately, we had Christopher Robin as a male role model. Although, you know, I always hated how he wore those ugly blue shorts way too high. Made him look like Richard Simmon's adopted son from Sweeden.  What kind of example is that to my boy?

Q: Your son has a speech impediment.  Did you ever consider taking him to a speech therapist?

A: That's redicarus!  I've never recoganized anything wrong with his speech.  I definitely would have had him checked at the first sign of anything suspicerous. This accusation makes you sound like a villyun.

Q: Your son is very well-meaning, but often does more harm than good.  Could this be a result of his extremely intense childhood?

A: Are you insane?  Redicarus!  My son may be mischievous at times, but he is handsome, confident and filled with energy and optimism.  If others get pushed out of his way as he rises to stardom, so be it.

Q: It has been said that Tiggers are wonderful things, but that their heads are made of rubber.  How has your son become so popular with a rubber head?

A: Hard work and bouncing. I tell my son, "You want success in life?  Do you want your mother to be known as the greatest mother of all time?  Do you want me to write a book about how I created the greatest Tigger in the history of the hundred acre?  Do you want me to make millions of dollars? Well, it's all up to YOU to make something out of that rubber brain of yours."

Q: Is there any advice that you want to give ladies with ambitions of becoming a Tigger Mom?

A: First, I would recommend getting spring implants.  Second, never allow your child to play with Piglets.  They are puny, pathetic and never really add anything of value to anything. Finally, teach your children to do exactly the opposite of Eeyore. That ass will never make anything of his life.

Saturday Graph: Important Qualities of a Mother (According to Reality TV)

A Cheeseboy Decree: Death to the High-Five and Fist-Bump

On this, the 18th day of February in the year 2011 of our Lord, I Cheeseboy, by the powers invested in me by the state of Blogsylvania, declare the High-Five dead.

I, Cheeseboy, also declare the Fist-Bump lame and the "Fist-Bump into 'Splosions" PUTRIDLY lame. (See Howie Mandel)

Cheeseboy (which is I as hath been determined by previous paragraph), also declare the following as acceptable alternatives to the high-five and fist-bumps:

• E.T. finger touches
• Open-palmed tickles
• Interlocking finger curls
• Double interlocking finger curls
• "This is the church and this is the steeples" 
• Tongue touches
• Tiger claws
• Bear claws
• Horse claws (difficult)
• Elbow bumps
• Head butts (softly)
• Backward head butts (lined up appropriately) 
• Corn doggers (arm hair required)
• Back pats (without hug)
• Back pats (with hug)
• Nipple winks (extreme difficulty, special training required)
• Sanitizer squirts (mutual & non-mutual)
• Soccer Mom scratching 
• Face punches (fake)
• Face punches (real)
• Handshakes 

I, Cheeseboy, hereby decree that this law will go into effect immediately. Thank you for your understanding. 

It hath been said.

This Month in Cheeseboy Facebook Status Updates

As you may know, I put a lot of thought into my facebook status updates.  Sometimes, they are well received and occasionally they bomb.  But I like to share the favorites with you, my beloved blog readers because hey, that's just what kinda guy I am.

I give you a rundown of the recent favorites.


2-15-11 at 7:35 PM: People often ask me if I have any regrets. I always tell them no, but then I get this awful nagging feeling like I should have said something else.

2-15-11 at 7:00 PM: One of my first graders told me today that Cupid wears a diaper because he is so busy shooting people, he doesn't have time to stop and use the bathroom.

2-14-11 at 5:14 PM: I bet I got more Valentines than all of you! 23! Including THREE 'Fun Dips'. But man does that stuff burn your nostrils. And what the heck is that stick for anyway?

2-13-11 at 1:24 PM: If Walmart really wanted to class up the joint, they would hire harp-playing greeters. Or they could just teach their current greeters to play the harp. Either way, I think that a lot more rich people would shop there. 

((Because of all the harps.))

2-12-11 at 6:49 PM: They should change the name of 'The Children's Place' to 'Abe's Salary'

2-10-11 at 7:55 PM: I have soooo many fond memories of Coach Jerry Sloan: The F-Bombs, the S word, the F-Bomb/S-word combos and of course the F-Bomb/S-word/B-word trifecta pack. He shall be missed.

2-9-11 at 5:46 PM: Has anyone considered that maybe the root cause of Lindsay Lohan's problems is some traumatic childhood experience? Maybe something like being separated at birth from an identical twin? Or having to switch bodies with Jamie Lee Curtis BEFORE she started eating all that yogurt??

2-8-11 at 4:42 PM: To you people that say, "Oh it's on... It's on like Donkey Kong!" probably have absolutely no idea how HARD it is to throw giant BARRELS down a series of intertwined ladders and elevators. 

2-6-11 at 8:54 PM: My dream is to someday have Cameron Diaz hand feed me popcorn in at the Super Bowl.

2-2-11 at 4:01 PM: My son is learning cursive. I'd love to teach him how to sign his name, but there is not enough snow on the ground and I haven't had enough to drink today.

2-1-11 at 4:48 PM: So, I read that PETA wants to replace Punxsutawney Phil with with an animatronic replica?! I love this idea because I bet the real Phil would be so darned delicious.

1-31-11 at 7:38 AM: Here's a little Monday morning parenting tip: When your kids start complaining that the Tooth Fairy is only giving them a dollar when the other kids in their class are getting ten dollars, tell them what I tell my kids: "The Tooth Fairy gives them more money because she feels sorry for them because their parents are idiots."

1-30-11 at 12:43 PM: I'm a little disappointed that Facebook doesn't have a way for me to "like" your "likes". And then I could "like" your "likes" of my "like" of your "like". That would be like 6 levels of "like"!!! It would be like Inception, but without all that gel in Leonardo DiCaprio's hair.

1-29-11 at 11:54 AM: Asked my wife to get a lower back tattoo for my birthday. I wanted it to say, "Abe is a Amazing Super Stud!" but I'd hate to put her through that much pain. So I am allowing her to abbreviate the last three words.

1-28-11 at 4:02 PM: The phrase "sloppy seconds" has such different meanings on The Biggest Loser and The Bachelor.

1-27-11 at 8:27 PM: Rule 5-a of First Grade "Cheeseboy Ball" (AKA "Dodge Ball") When Mr. Cheeseboy blows the whistle, do NOT sneak up and throw the ball directly at him. You are exactly the wrong height for that.

((Rule just added today.))

1-26-11 at 8:06 PM: So you can now sue Taco Bell for having a fake product? I've got the perfect lawsuit against Hooters. Who wants in?

1-26-11 at 5:34 PM: No way the meat at Taco Bell is fake because I've eaten fake meat and it's never given me that kind of diarrhea.

1-25-11 at 4:26 PM: ADHD focus groups rarely work.

1-24-11 at 7:02 PM: In an effort to increase the equality of current game show shame, 'The Bachelor' contestants should be required to stand on a giant scale wearing nothing but ugly spandex, while being screamed at by a man named Jillian and 'The Biggest Loser' contestants should be required to sit for a half hour in the stank that is known as "The Bachelor Hot Tub."

1-22-11 at 7:19 PM: If I die and am cremated, I'd like my ashes spread over the Nevada Truck Stop we stopped at today. I'd love to leave the world a better place and dead Abe's ashes would definitely smell better than that heck-hole. Consider it my final good deed. This is my will and testament. So let it be done.

1-19-11 at 8:38 PM: Favorite part of Disneyland today was when a male cast member working on the Storybook Land ride told my son, "Get off the railing little prince; don't want any Humpty Dumpties today."

1-18-11 at 10:52 PM: I have officially renamed the Tower of Terror "The Tower of Please don't let me vomit on this 9-year-old girl sitting next to me.

1-17-11 at 5:41 PM: Spending Martin Luther King Day the way he would have wanted... standing in line for Space Mountain with thousands of Chinese folks.

1-16-11 at 10:00 AM: Legoland today. I am planning on pulling out the corner piece and watching the entire park collapse in front of our eyes.

1-13-11 at 6:10 PM: There's a teacher somewhere in your neighborhood tonight that loves teaching and cares deeply about the learning of his students. He is using his "free time", and investing his own money for children's literacy, prosperity, and futures. His name is Abe, he lives in Utah and you should go buy him nice things right now.

Please REPOST if you care about teachers! (Or Abe)

Hope you had a favorite. I'd love to hear which one.