Monday, January 4, 2010

3 really funny (homefully) things I wrote about today: Sound Machines, Antique Roadshow and The Doctors.

I have exactly three things to write about today.

1. Sound Machines (Not Miami)

My wife received as some sort of gift a sound machine. We sleep with it on, next to the bed. Now, I am sure that many of you sleep with a sound machine on and it comforts and relaxes you. (On a separate note, I don't know why, but folks nowadays are so darned intimidated by silence. They are uncomfortable around it, even when they are alone)

About two weeks ago a time traveler from the year 1850 visited me in my sleep. This was the gist of the conversation:

Time Traveler: Nice home you've got here. What is this, some sort of indoor toilet? I am so impresteth. (People from the past always end their sentences with "ith". It's more old fashioned that way)

: Yeah, nice eh?

Time Traveler: Sounds like you have those annoying crickets we had backeth in the day.

: No, that is my wife's machine.

Time Traveler

Me: Yeah, my wife... she has a machine. It makes the room sound like crickets!


Me: No, it's real. Supposed to relax you or something.

Time Traveler:
Why would you WANT to bringeth that obnoxious pest clamor INTO thou bed room?!

Me: I don't know. It helps her fall asleep or something.

Time Traveler
: Does she havest thou a machine I can take back to get riddeth of the annoying chirps?

: No, but I can give you one that brings in more chirping. We have like 6 of those things.

Time Traveler:
[Echoing] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooo! [As he disappears from my sleepytime dream with the sound of twinkling stardust.]

My real problem with the blasted sound machine isn't so much the sound, but the type of sounds it plays. I hate the crickets and here are my other options: 1. Stream 2. Rain 3. Thunderstorm 4. The Ocean.

Is there any sound on this GOSH-FORSAKEN THING that DOESN'T MAKE ME WANT TO PEE?! Nope, it's either crickets or water sounds. They ought to have a "urination" button. Just the constant sound of urine splashing in the toilet... that way I will remember what I really need to do while I am lying in bed. Heaven forbid we actually sleep in silence.

Now that I think about it, there is one other option... "White Noise." This option is akin to turning on your television and changing the channel to a station with no signal. CHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Ah, the perfect way to melt away the stress and fall into a deep sleep, only to awaken in the middle of the night and wonder why the TV is still on.

2. Antiques Roadshow

I spent the past 4 days in beautiful Leeds, Utah with nothing but CBS, ABC and PBS to keep me company on the tube. The only time I ever get to watch this beloved program is while I am doing nothing in Leeds. And so t'was on Friday...

Here is the thing that really amazes me about this show: People (seemingly normal people) bring in their junk, are told their junk is actually worth something and then these "normal" people proceed to tell the guy that they are keeping said junk.

Not me. If I ever have seemingly worthless crap and I go on that show, it would definitely NOT be the normal scripted BS. It would go something like this:

Weirdo PBS Dude: So, you say you got this St. Bernard coffee mug from your Grandma?

Me: Well, Nanners gave it to me back in '85. She said it belonged to a Union General. He loved St. Bernards.

PBS Dude:
And the inscription, that is authentic.

Me: Yep, right there across the St. Bernard's beer thing they hung around their necks back then. Says, "To my beloved General. How I knowest you lovest Bernards . Hey, and good luck with that slavery war thing. Circa 1826."

PBS Dude: So, this is a family heirloom?

Me: Yes, it means a lot... I shall never part from it. It will be my son's son's son's someday and then when he is deemed too insane to hold possessions, they shall dig up my body and bury it with that mug. It means that much to me.

PBS Dude: Well, can I tell you... this mug is valued anywhere from $50,000 - $75,000!

Me: No!

PBS Dude: Yep!

Me: Well, Nana did tell me she wanted me to be happy...

3. The Highlight of the Leeds Trip - "The Doctors"

Speaking of Leeds, we generally always go with my wife's parents. They are gracious hosts and actually really spoil us. Actually, I wouldn't want to go without them.

Anyway, we had just returned from a morning of hiking and other exhausting activities. We settle down (kids included) in front of the tube for a little mind-numbing daytime television.

Something called, "The Doctors" comes on. Seems interesting enough.

Have you ever seen this show, Cheeseboy? It might be right up your alley, with you being a hypochondriac and all.

Me: No, but if they discuss diseases, I don't want to watch it.

Mother-In-Law: Well, they teach you all about the body, things to watch for, stuff like that.

Me: Okay, well I am always up to try it.

[Show comes on, music blaring]

Doctor on show: Today we will be discussing a topic that should be of interest to every women in America: How to reach orgasm quicker!

Click. Oops!

Now my Mother-in-law is definitely not the embarrassed easily type, but I think that maybe I have seen her just embarrassed for the first time.

Moral: Some things are just not worth watching, especially with your Mother-in-law.

PS: One of my New Year's resolutions is to make my wife laugh again and I think, just maybe this post will do the trick.


Tammy said...

ABE! That is hilarious about the "Doctors" show and my mom!!!!! My dad loves this show. Maybe that's why :). Every once in a while I catch a glimpse of Dr Oz and his new show. I was already a hypochondriac but after seeing his show it seems I will become more of one if I keep watching!

I don't like the sound machines either. They get a bit of a rhythm going that actually keeps me awake. That's why I use a humidifier. Works perfectly. But I did just read something that said you are healthier if you fall asleep to the sound of ocean waves . . . real or artificial.

Traci said...

I think that "The Dr. Oz" show and "The Doctors" have that topic and something about weight loss every single day. I wanted to support Dr. Oz because we saw him when we went to the Dave Letterman Show taping in NYC, but I just can't take it anymore.

Heather and Jake said...

KJZZ used to have that show. I sm in charge of getting the commercialsfor shows, getting the show time put on them and scheduling them to be on TV. 90% of the shows seemed to be about sex. Channel 2 out bid us for the show, so now they have it....good luck getting back what they are paying for it. So, did you learn anything...jk.

Tammy said...

The other thing that bothers me about the "Dr Oz" show is how he has to have a little clip for EVERYTHING. And I hate how he has the audience participate.

Tammy said...

The other thing that bothers me about the "Dr Oz" show is how he has to have a little clip for EVERYTHING. And I hate how he has the audience participate.