Monday, July 21, 2014

The Man Who Didn't Own a Cellphone

He didn't own a cellphone and people were starting to notice.

"Why not?" they said. 

"Are you poor?" they asked. "Even poor people own cellphones, you know."

"Is there something wrong with you? There must be something wrong with him."

"Are you Amish?" they pleaded.

"No no, just never wanted one. I can't, for the life of me, think of a situation where I'd need a cellphone."

Folks were flabbergasted.

That night, the local news ran a story about the crazy man with no cell phone. Some important reporter named Dick Gephart conducted the interview. 

"What if people need to get in contact with you?" Dick asked incredulously,with that stupid grin on his face. He always grinned when interviewing people, it was kinda his "thing."

The man answered sincerely,"Oh, I don't know. If someone really wanted to contact me they could just call my home phone, my office phone, they could reach me via fax, email, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. I know it's old fashioned, but if they really want to reach me, they could just come and knock on my door."

"Unbelievable" said Dick.

"I guess so" the man replied. 

Dick was more assertive. He wasn't named Northern Utah's 2012 Most Assertive Journalist for not being assertive. No, on the contrary, it was for his assertiveness that he had won.

"So, let's say your car breaks down and you're stranded and you need to call someone to come pick you up?"

"Hmm" replied the man, clearly impressed by Dick's assertiveness, "I had not considered that."  And it was true, he had not considered that. 

The man began to second guess himself. Perhaps he should buy a cellphone, you know, just in case.

Then, something strange happened, the man became ridiculously famous. His story was picked up by the AP, then USA Today and finally Ferrets Magazine (a magazine about ferrets). The man was interviewed by Barbara Walters, Barbara Streisand and Barbara Bush. He was the first man to be interviewed by the three Barbaras. The "Barbara Trifecta" they called it; it has never been done since.

People started calling the man "The No-Cell Guy." The name stuck. The No-Cell Guy started doing commercials with "Subway Jared" and becoming a regular on the Kardashian reality TV shows. The No-Cell Guy had become one of those guys that got famous for doing next to nothing.

One day the man was driving a remote stretch of highway. He was alone, thinking about the day before he had spent with Johnny Manzel, making a cameo appearance on Jack Ass when suddenly smoke appeared from his hood.

He pulled to the side of the road as flames engulfed the engine.

The man watched his car burn, his worst nightmare appearing right before his eyes.

Now what? If only had purchased that cell phone. The thought lingered in his brain.

But no. Had he purchased a cell phone, there would have been no "Barbara Trifecta", no free passes to Dollyworld, no Subway commercials and definitely no "No-Cell Guy."  

Had it all been worth it? Would he pass away quietly right here in the desert as his car burned before his eyes.

Suddenly, like a ghost - a friendly ghost, but not Casper, that would just be silly- a car appeared in the distance.  Five curious heads popped out the window.

"You all right?!" one of them called.

"Yeah, fine" said the man.

"HONEY, IS THAT NO-CELL GUY?  I THINK THAT'S NO CELL GUY!" a woman's voice pierced the air.

"Why darlin', I think it is. Just our luck, out here to take the boys shootin' jackrabbits and we run into the No-Cell Guy." 

The man looked at his shoes and then at the minivan full of children and rifles. "Yep, you got me. The No-Cell Guy, that's me."

The family clapped and shrieked. "WE LOVE YOUR AVON COMMERCIALS!" the mother said, beside herself with joy.

"Why thanks. Not sure what I'm going to do out here now. My car's gone and my wife is expecting me home soon.

The mother jumped out of the minivan and dug into her bra and pulled out a phone. "Why here, use my cellphone!"

"Thanks" the man said.


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