My address to the Olympic athletes in the opening ceremonies if I were elected IOC President

The following is a transcript of an address I've written for the Winter Olympics just in case I am ever elected IOC President:

Hello... hello... hello... (That is my voice echoing through the stadium)

It's nice to see you all here. Congratulations on passing your drug tests!

It is an honor and privilege to address you on this - the first day your lifelong dream comes true. I was very impressed by the way you all entered the stadium, especially the folks carrying flags. I know those things can be quite heavy - or so I've been told by the mustached girl in the Crimson Line.

And now some words of inspiration: You and each of you represent your country - except you, Johnny Weir; you represent the country of Freakyton in the universe of "Not Ours".

Some of you will be become heroes to your countrymen, but most of you will be considered failures. To this I say: There are no failures at the Winter Olympics, only those that don't medal. And to those that don't medal, we have added some nice participation ribbons this year that you can pick up at the courtesy desk on your way out.

To the speed skaters I'd like to say: I know nothing about your sport. Good luck to you.

To the skiers I'd like to say: I know nothing about your sport. Good luck to you. God speed.

To those people that sweep the ice and make a round disk move, I'd like to say: Why is that even a sport? Good luck to you.

To the hockey players, I'd like to say: I know a little bit about your sport. I'd like to see more fighting. Good luck, God speed, and don't forget about the more fighting.

To the figure skaters, I'd like to say: I saw 'Blades of Glory' and it made me much more appreciative of what you do. I still won't be watching, but that movie was hilarious - especially when Will Farrell throws Napoleon Dynamite across the ice and he gets hit in the crotch. Ha ha! Awesome!

Where was I? Oh yes...

Figure skaters: We are going to have to start canceling your events if you keep leaving all that glitter all over the ice! Especially the men! By the last number, it's like a thousand magical unicorns puked on the ice.

To the lugers: What the heck is wrong with you?

To the bobsledders: I know nothing about your sport. More of you should have dreadlocks. Good luck to you.

To all of the athletes, one and all: I know very little about your sports. I am actually very surprised that they made me IOC President. I think my buddy Steve put me on the ballet as a joke. Steve... was that you Steve?! Seriously, best practical joke ever!

I promise to pay a passing interest in your sports for the next two weeks. I promise to pause on NBC for a few seconds while channel surfing or during halftime of a Jazz game. GOOD LUCK TO YOU ALL!

[A few fireworks go off and the crowd is roaring uncontrollably while I prepare for my final comments]

I have appreciated the bribes... er .. gifts from this host country. I uphold the values of this great nation, especially the value of gift giving. I fully uphold and support this value.

Finally, fellow earthlings from around the world, or at least ones that come from cold countries... We come together in this time of great sporting events that no one usually cares about for 3 out every4 years in one accord. Our duty - as it has been set forth - is to uphold the honor of the Olympics and to compete in fairness and illustrious forthrightness. The great Bob Costas wants it that way. BOB COSTAS WANTS IT THAT WAY!

MAY GOD BLESS YOU ALL AND GOOD LUCK!

[The crowd is raging, in a tizzy and the fireworks begin. I am carried from the podium on a golden throne lifted by four grizzled, grumbly Canadians wearing hockey masks.]