Computer Techs = Dorks, School Computer Techs = SUPER DORKS!

The school district computer techs finally showed up today to fix Safari on my Mac laptop. They were nice enough dorks. Not sure why there was two of them to fix this simple problem though.

READ THIS PORTION IF YOU ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT WHAT THE PROBLEM WAS OR YOU ARE A COMPUTER NERD. OTHERWISE, SKIP THIS PORTION COMPLETELY. Every time I open Safari, it completely times out and locks up the entire computer. The Mac rainbow thing just spins and spins. I fixed this problem by downloading Firefox, which turns out, I like more anyway.

Okay, so the techs came. They came at 3:30 just as I was walking out the door.

"We're here to fix Mr. Cheeseboy's computer."
"Oh, I am right here, but I fixed it. I downloaded Firefox and it works fine."
"Well, lets take a look at it and see why Safari's not working. It should only take 5 minutes."

They open Safari. It locks up the computer.

3:35 "That's weird, never seen this before. Let's close all the programs and restart the computer." (I tried that, um, 25 times.)
"Mr. Cheeseboy, did you know that when you just X out of programs on Mac's, it doesn't really close the program?"
"Yes, I knew that."
"Well, we tell people because a lot of teachers don't know that."
"Mostly morons?! Am I right?!" (My lame attempt at techie humor was not well received by the techies.)

They spend the next 15 minutes trying to connect to the internet. 10 minutes of which they spent typing in the wrong password.

3:50 "Okay, finally got connected! Now lets see if we can't get Safari running. Should only take five minutes."
"Okay."
"Let's run a (something technical I don't know what it is, but has to do with the hard drive) check. It should only take 5 minutes. Can you hang around a little longer?"
"Sure."

4:07 "That's weird. Everything is clean. I've never seen this before. Got me stumped on this one."
"Like I said, I have been using Firefox and I like it better anyway. So..."
"Yes, but I would really like to know what is going on with this Safari thing. Let me check one more thing. It should only take 5 minutes."

4:20 "You know, you've got a LOT of printers connected to this computer. Do you use that many printers?"
"Well, I have 3 at home and then a bunch here at school I use. Why, is that what is locking up Safari?"
"No, no. It is just really unusual to see someone with that many printers. That's A LOT of printers"
"Oh. I never thought about it."

4:30 "Didn't you say that you like Firefox better?"
"Yes"
"Okay, cause I have no idea what is going on with Safari. This is a new one for me."
"Well, I'll just use Firefox. The computer works fine with Firefox."
"Okay, but we will be back (did I mention that there are TWO of them there to fix this little problem) to try and fix it. I am going to Google this tonight. Here's your computer back."
"Thanks."
"Sorry it took so long."
"It's okay (not really). Hopefully your Google goes well."

I left, one hour after I was heading out the door. Which begs the question, what kind of IT degree do you need to have to Google computer problems? Oh and I guess I need to limit the number of printers I use in order to save face with the computer dorks. (No offense to my friends that are techs.)

SWINE FLU!!!!! I AM A DEAD MAN!

Being the admitted hypochondriac that I am, this swine flu outbreak could be the worst possible scenario I may ever encounter. I want to protect myself (and my family). I need to protect myself (and my family). I DON'T WANT TO DIE OF SWINE FLU! There has to be something I can do. There has to be something I can take. Right now, I am just sitting back and waiting for the vicious bug to infect my body's "digestive", "nervous" and "REALLY nervous" systems. Stupid swine flu.

It's a good thing I am not a farmer. Farmers must be constantly dying of crap. Bird flu from the ducks, mad cow disease from the cows, chickenpox from the chickens and now the swine flu from the swine. Just wait until you see what the goats have in store!

Here's another thing... who calls pigs "swine" nowadays anyway?! It's like "they" (not really sure who "they" are, but "they" are out to get us hypos) are trying to scare us hypochondriacs even more by calling it the "SWINE flu". Just calling it the "pig flu" would lessen my anxiety level two or three strokes on the ole' hypo meter.

So I have begun researching the swine flu to find out it's symptoms and to quell (or more likely heighten) any of my unsubstantiated anxieties. Fortunately every major news site has 8 or 9 articles about pigs flying through the sky and spreading their dreaded flu with razor sharp fangs.

Actually, it turns out that swine flu is actually not even spread by pigs and that it is even safe to eat pork. The first article I read went into great detail about how pig, and pork, are innocent bystanders and their honorable name is being used unfairly to describe a horrific, deadly infestation. I guess it's still safe as long as it is kosher. Actually, maybe kosherizing the pork takes all the flu out of it? Just a thought.

I was interested to read the first article entitled, "Swine Flu Spreads Across the Globe". I learned all about the flu and it was described as "coughing, fever, vomiting" - pretty much... the flu. Being the infectious worry-wart that I am, I looked up another article, "Swine Flu now Inside the United States". This was even worse. Now the virus is creeping up on us like a sneaky, rabid possum on steroids - in fact, it is right in our backyard! Of course, the next article I read was, "Swine Flu Inevitable In Utah". Inevitable? Inevitable? I am a dead man. Do they still have plots available at the Murray City Cemetary?

I had to investigate further. My next article, "How to Protect Yourself from Swine Flu" was an engaging read and it suggested I wash my hands. That's it? Just wash my hands? Dang, I am actually going to have to start washing my hands?! What is this, a McDonalds kitchen about to be inspected by the Health Inspector?! I don't have time to brush my teeth AND wash my hands! I'm a busy man. Oh, and the article also suggested that I "wear a surgical mask". Perfect, I've got one of those in my "dress up" set at home. Sure, the kids generally never want to dress up like a boring doctor (I said generally. Of course, some kids are curious...), but I KNEW there was a reason I kept that old, moldy mask around.

My excitement for swine prep wained a bit when I read my next article, "Do Surgical Masks Really Prevent the Flu?" Of course, they only give 90% protection. A condom promises 98.8% protection! Which makes me wonder - why don't they make surgical masks out of the same material condoms are made of? That would boost the protection percentage up 8 points! Although, you would have to poke holes in the material so you could breath, and I am sure that would lower your protection considerably. What was I talking about again? Ah yes, the swine flu.

Alas, I am but a helpless and moronic man, left to wash my hands every half hour, stock up on duct tape and wear a surgical mask to go pick up a loaf of bread. Oh, and I guess I will have to stop brushing my teeth to make room for all that hand washing. The swine flu is inevitable. As inevitable as death. Too bad they will both probably happen at the same time for me.

Song of the Day: British Sea Power - Waving Flags

This band sounds a bit like The Cure, but with more of a sweeping ballad sound. They are from England, thus the "British" part of their name. Although they performed recently on Letterman, they are clearly bigger in England than here in the states. This song is off their latest, and third album I believe. Pretty good stuff.

Things I miss at Disneyland

Hello Blog O' Cheese crew. Why don't we all hold hands and travel down the road of fond memories and nostalgic times. (Figuratively speaking... unless you would like to all get together some time and hold hands. But I have to warn you, my palms sweat like a pregnant mother's broken water, so I would suggest we stick with the figurative thing.)

As you may know, my family and I are official Disney aficionados. Heck, we love Disney so much we might as well grow blades in our feet and join the traveling "On Ice" show. We visit the magic kingdom at least once a year and we even refer to it lovingly as "our $350.00 a day home away from home... with churros". And while Disneyland has grown and improved over the years, there have been a few good things that have hit the chopping block. May I now present (hold on, let me get my Mickey ears on... okay, all set) the top 5 attractions that I miss the most at Disneyland.

5. The incredible shrinking machine ride. Okay, this ride closed when I was really young, but I swear I can remember it like it was 25 years ago - which it was. I don't remember a lot about this ride, except that my dad loved the thing and wanted to go on it over and over. However, the one thing I remember fondly is that when you are in line, you can watch the people on the ride going through some sort of magical portal that shrunk them to miniature proportions. As a 7 year old, it almost made it seem real. Even back in 1984, that Disney magic dust was working miracles.

4. Captain E-O - I can see why Disney finally axed this one, as a flaming Michael Jackson flailing around in space, dressed in a skin tight jump suit while rescuing strange fluffy aliens was not really the image that they wanted to portray in the early and mid 90's. Nevertheless, the 3-D effects were ahead of their time and the music was actually not too bad. I will say that it is ten times as good as that piece of garbage "Honey I Shrunk the Audience" they have playing now. Oh also, one year I bought a stuffed animal of that strange fluffy creature as my once yearly Disney-memento.

"You're just another part of me."

3. The ski lift over the park. This was a great way to get from one side of the park to the other while exerting zero energy. Plus, it went directly through the Matterhorn. Now, the Matterhorn has two giant, empty holes going through it like it has been hit by two enormous cannonballs. Apparently, people had been spitting and throwing pennies off the thing. I have come up with the perfect solution to this dilemma: Plexiglas.

2. The Singing and Bears - Look, the singing and dancing bears pretty much sucked. However, it was perfect distraction for 20 minutes. A place where you could get out of the sun and just sit. I know my mother-in-law and possibly my mother loved those stupid bears, but I never really got them. The thing was, the mechanical bear playing the giant jug never did anything but lean back and forward playing the giant jug. The bear playing the washboard did nothing but play the washboard every song. We're talking a maximum 3 mechanical movements here. Not exactly 21st century technology at work here. What I wanted to see was the bears jumping around and dancing about the stage. Maybe the bears could even come out into the audience and high five us?

Like I said, 20 minutes of rest was invaluable. Where are we supposed to go now? The Tiki Room? They don't even have chair backs and it's always raining in there.

1. The People Mover - I loved the people mover. I mean, I really loved that stupid thing! It was the only ride, no matter how crowded Disneyland was, that you could always walk on. Again, it gave you a break from the red hot, roasting asphalt that is Tommorowland. Plus as an added bonus, 2 minutes of Tron. Tron!!! While sitting on that thing, I often found myself wondering, "Is this really what the future of travel is really going to be like? Sitting on a plastic bench with a canopy over me, going in a giant circle at 4 miles an hour?" Clearly, Disney doesn't get everything right!

Now, I can understand having to remove some attractions and if they continue to build rides as great as that new Toy Story ride, I really can't complain. But did they really have to get rid of the People Mover?! Tron!!

*My thanks to Ike's facebook status for inspiring this post. Are you in the mood for that handholding session yet? I will bring a roll of paper towels.

If you belong to one of these three groups, I prefer that you do not talk to me.

I love to talk to people, but I do have my pet peeves when I do so. It seems lately that I have had more and more run ins with these peevers. The following conversationalist types need not attempt to speak to me:

Folks that do not know how to end a conversation. These are the people that always always have add that one or two little tidbits to keep me tied up in awkwardness for minutes longer than necessary.

The "lurker". These folks will slime around, looking for a conversation to jump in on. Inevitably, their interrupting comment has nothing to do with the actual subject you were discussing.

The "Debbie Downer" If you have ever seen this SNL skit, you know exactly what I mean. The only thing that ever comes out of this person's mouth are nagativities.

Now, not to worry. Those that frequent the Blog O' Cheese, at least those that I am aware of, do not fit into any of these three categories.

Useful motivational techniques to get a group of First Graders to sit in peaceful silence for 15 minutes.

My birthday present wish list.

MY BIRTHDAY PRESENT WISH LIST

(I’ve crossed out the items I cannot afford.)

1. Medieval suit of armor.

2. Macrame plant holder.

3. Personalized magician showing by Harry Schudinni.

4.  Croc – skinned crocs.

5. Giant sized harmonica.

6. A cameo in the next Pauley Shore movie.

7. A gift card to Build-A-Bear Workshop.

8. Combination snow cone/cotton candy maker.

9. “Quest For Perfection” tee shirt.

10. Susan Boyle bobble-head

11. A large bag of caffeinated sunflower seeds. (They really exist!)

12. Armband to hold iPod while I run.

13. Season tickets to University of Utah football games.

Birthday??? Why it's mine, thank you!

Song of the Day: Neil Diamond - I Am, I Said

Neil, the greatest singer/songwriter of this or any generation.  A man of many talents and many X wives.  A man, so thoroughly gifted, he is required by God to wear rhinestones.  If you notice closely, his sweat makes the rhinestones shine every so brightly.  I saw him sing this song on Oprah and she was almost brought to tears... and so was I... and so was I.

Grandparents Day Is Super Swell!

Today was Grandparents day at school.  I wish it hadn't been.  Grandparents day tends to be a bit chaotic with lots of old people wandering the halls, yelling their grandchild's name and acting very confused. 

Of course, every child expects a Grandpa or Grandma to walk through the door, regardless of if they have a living Grandparent or if their Grandparents live in Guatemala. And of course, if their Grandparent does not show up, there is much weeping and flailing of arms.  You try and explain to a six year old that they have to eat lunch alone because Grandpa died five years ago while hunting with Dick Chaney.

It makes you feel very old when a couple of the Grandparents that show up are actually your aunt and uncle.

I'm not at all anti-grandpa or even anti-Grandparents day.  In fact, I think that Grandparents day should extend to later in life.  Everyone should have Grandma or Grandpa show up at their place of work once a year to take them to lunch.  Perhaps on "Grown Up Grandparent Day", when they come to our workplaces, we can teach them how to copy and paste on the computer?

One more thing: What is with old people and carrying cash?  Today I saw a 75 year old man pay for his $2.00 slice of pizza with a $100 bill.  

Things I learned by running the marathon yesterday.

Well, as you may have already read or realized, I ran in an actual race for the first time yesterday.  It was an intensely intense experience that had a ton of intensity.  There was a lot to be learned for my next race...

1. At the beginning of the race, you are not as fast as you think you are.  The first 3-4 miles of the race is less about running and more about dodging slowpokes.  Here I was, passing person after person, thinking I was the fastest man alive.  In reality, I was simply passing folks that were setting a very slow pace - but most of them were in my way.  It's a little bit like Frogger - you have to pick your openings and then dart through them.  It was this way for what seemed like a very long time.

2. People handing out water will hold it out for you, but it is perfectly acceptable to slow way down and just take it from them.  I had visions of grandeur of grabbing the water in mid-stride and then pouring all over my face.  Perhaps those that actually are winning the race do this, but honestly, the group I was in was perfectly content with walking over to the table and politely taking the water.

3.  At around mile 8, the people that you are running with start to sound like a bunch of exhausted horses walking up a steep hill.  You hear a lot of grunting, moaning and puffing and some of them start to walk.

4. There are quite a few bands/musicians that play along the route.  This was actually kinda cool - especially the 80 year old grandma barbershop quartet on 21st south.

5. There is much excitement/anticipation/adrenaline at the beginning and ending of the race.  The rest of the time, you are kinda just running. 

6. Never run right behind a jerkwad that looks like he may spit at any time.  He missed me, barely... this time.

7.  It is very humbling to run along side a 12 year old boy for most of the race.  It is also humbling to pass a 75 year old grandpa at mile 10 and think, "It took me ten miles to pass him?!  Really?  Ten miles?"

8. Drink lots of water and save some of that energy and adrenaline for the last mile of the race.  The last 3 blocks, I was totally cramping up and overcome with exhaustion.  I jogged to the finish, but everyone else was sprinting and passing me by. 

9. People that are in cars waiting and are "inconvenienced" this one time a year can be complete moronic terds.  

10.  When making an iPod playlist for the race, make sure you save some of the best motivational songs for the end of the race.  Don't waste all your best songs on the beginning.  

11. Of all the people cheering you on, not all of them combined feels better than seeing your own family at the finish line.

Oh, and if you win, don't expect a giant check. In fact, you probably shouldn't expect a check at all.

Saturday Graph: Things You Should And Should Not Eat After A Half Marathon As Experienced By Me Today

Cease to Exist Order - Food Edition

I hereby decree that the following foods must cease to exist because of their overall stupidity:

1. Drinkable yogurt. I'll admit, Cathi has been buying these in ultimate bulk it seems. But drinkable? Are we too lazy to actually use a spoon? Yeah, that dipping and lifting action is real work on my bachioradialis. I just can't take it anymore And didn't we have drinkable yogurts before anyway? They are called "smoothies". Do we now need to start calling milkshakes "drinkable ice cream"?!

2. Cookie Crisp. Once again, I have to admit, we seem to have bought our share of this crap lately. But honestly, what is the point? It's just cookies floating around in milk. Not exactly even part of a healthy breakfast. The funny thing is that Calder ate like five bowls in one sitting the other day. Cathi was amazed at his enormous appetite that day. I was thinking, "of course he ate five helpings, it's cookies and milk for breakfast." Don't even ask what he got for dessert.

3. Any microwavable popcorn that is not "Extra Butter", "Ultimate Butter", or at the very least, "Movie Theater Butter" flavored. The other day I accidentally had some non-buttered "healthy pop". I let that nasty crud fall to the floor while thinking "what the heck was that?! Somebody replaced my popcorn with packing foam." Once you have developed a taste for the rich, creaminess of buttered popcorn, eating butterless is kinda like drinking just plain water. Next you will be telling me that they have butterless, salt free popcorn! Wouldn't that be a little like swallowing air? You know what they say, "Once you've had butter, your heart's aflutter.... (from early onset heart disease)."

4. Skim milk. Okay, milk is not supposed to look like water - it's just not natural. If two cows were standing in a barn getting milked - and one of them saw that the other one had some clearish milk coming out of it's utters, it would be like, "Betsy - WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! Your milk is totally all watery and gross looking! Let Farmer Brown taste it! See, he even says it tastes like water! Who is ever going to want to buy watery milk from a sick cow? Health freaks and overanxious dieters that don't care if they pour water all over their Cookie Crisp?! You better hope so or Farmer Brown is going to put you down... and soon."

I have honestly heard people defend Skim Milk by saying, "Normal milk is just too creamy for me." Too creamy?! What the crud? Yeah, keep telling yourself that. The same thing goes for people that say, "Regular soda is just too sweet for me now." Okay, you started drink Diet Soda and now your taste buds are just too good for regular soda? What are you, some sort of soda yuppie? "Yeah, you can have your deliciously sugared normal soda - as for me and my house, we prefer our soda bland and with an ritzy aspertine aftertaste." Too sweet?! Sure, I can understand saying you don't want to gain weight, but to claim that something is "too sugary" makes you sound pathetic. What's next?...

I would never date Angelina Jolie because she is way too pretty. I like my girls to look like Susan Boyle. I used to like pretty girls, but now that I have gone ugly, I just can't think of pretty girls the same way.

MARATHON SATURDAY! (Well, half.)

Saturday I shall run a half marathon. This time, not alone. I will girdle up my loins, strap on my overused Nikes and run like the wind.

More accurately, I will run like a soft breeze. Here is the problem: According to my records, I obtained a nasty cold on March 18. This cold lasted a full three weeks. It seemed to finally subside and I was able to run minimally for about a week around March 31. Shortly after, my cold either returned or I obtained a new cold. This cold hit me even harder and came with headaches, severe drowsiness and more coughing than a coughing machine.

I have begun to get better from this second strain and besides the occasional cough, I feel fine. I went to the doc's on Monday. I seem to have developed a strange crinkling sound/sensation in my lung on the right side. Having had Pneumonia several times in my life, I was freaking out a bit. The doctor did a chest X-Ray and it came back normal. The doctor told me that it was probably just some gunk from the cold rolling around.

One of my student's mom paid the $70. entry fee and they will be there rooting for me. Dropping out is not really an option.

I was finally able to run tonight... 7 miles to be exact. I have not really run in almost a month and I realized that I am completely out of shape. 13 miles is going to be a real chore - 7 miles was rough enough. My strange crackling sensations have seemed to have gotten worse, and being the enormous hypochondriac that I am, it scares me a little. But I assume that if something were really wrong with me, I probably would have not been able to run 7 miles.

So, we'll see how Saturday goes. Maybe I'll be breaking records with my new crackling lungs and out of shape beer belly. If you want to cheer me on, I will be running from 7:00 AM - 9:00 AM and the race ends at the Gateway. I will be starting with my good friend Jesse. My sister-in-law, Jana, will also be running.

Sorry, no humor in me today. I apologize for the boring post.

Song of the Day: Human Highway - The Sound

Howdy folks. Today's little ditty is a number by a pop/folk act called Human Highway. This catchy tune is the first song on their debut album. Not a lot of sex appeal here, but if you allow it, this song will be in your brain for days.

An idiot's 'How To' guide to giving the greatest Sacrament Meeting talk ever.

As you may have heard - as word has been traveling fast throughout the valley, I gave what may have been the greatest Sacrament meeting talk ever on Sunday. I have been told by at least 8 people that it was, "the greatest talk they had ever heard."....or, something along those lines. Through the years, I have learned a few tricks O' the trade to giving memorable Sacrament meeting talks. If you follow these five easy steps, you too will the talk of your ward.

1. One of the first things you do is tell everyone that you don't think that your talk will be long enough. This puts people at ease and lets them know that you do care about getting out of there on time.

2. Start with an unlame joke. It must be a unique joke that is actually clever. WARNING: Do NOT start with a joke that makes everyone stand up or raise their hand. People are there to sit on their butts and zone out. Giving them an errand to do will make them resent you. I hate it when a speaker says, "Okay, everyone stand up." I always look around like, "Is he serious? He wants me to actually stand up?! What is with this guy?"

3. Tell a story that is not really spiritual and then relate it to something spiritual. You see, as soon as you delve into that "churchy" jibber-jabber, people will immediately zone you out. If you see the men's heads on the pew in front of them and the women looking at their Relief Society newsletters, you know you've lost them. Keep things moving with some non-spiritual spice that you will later spiritualize.

4. Grab both sides of the pulpit. This shows that you are in total control. I like to clench both sides like I am holding the thing up with my bicepts and I sometimes shake it a little. People respect that. They will respect you.

5. Don't make mention of the musical number that proceeds you. Don't say something like, "How can I follow that?" Come on man, have some confidence in yourself! Sure, the song was nice, but you are the main course. Make people forget the song even happened.

Following these five easy steps will make you the toast of the ward. (and by toast, I mean the breaded kind and not the alcoholic kind.) People will love you and may even ask you to speak at their funeral. (Has not happened to me yet, but probably soon.) Next time you are asked to speak, give it a try.

**This reminds me, one of my favorite church day activities is to pretend I am an American Idol judge. When a person comes up to sing for us, I love to sit back and pretend I am Simon Cowell. Then, when the person finishes, I love to mentally evaluate the person. "You sung it well, but it was a little pitchy in spots. Oh and SONG CHOICE! You can't underestimate this! Clearly, a better pick would have been 'A Poor Wayfaring Man' or 'Abide With Me'. But you went with 'Rock of Ages'. Really, what was going through your mind?! " Give it a try. It will liven up your meetings.

Song of the Day: Silversun Pickups - Lazy Eye

In honor of their new album, just released, I give you Silversun Pickups. You may have heard this song, or you may not have, depending on if you have heard it or not. They sound a lot like Smashing Pumpkins - and in a good way. Can't wait to hear the new stuff.

Saturday Graph: Reasons To Pee In A Cup

A funny day at the Pediatrician's office.

Yesterday Calder and Lincoln visited Dr. Alred for their yearly checkup.  They appear to be healthy, although we did find out that Calder has an ear infection.  Because of spring break, I was able to attend.  Our visit was filled with funny moments...

• After Calder was done with his checkup, the doctor asked him if he wanted a sucker. He looked at the doctor and said, "REALLY?  YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!"
• We told Calder that the doctor would be checking all his body parts.  Calder asked, "Even my penis?"  Yes, Calder, even your penis.  The rest of the day, Calder walked around saying, "THE DOCTOR CHECKED MY WHOLE BODY - EVEN MY PENIS."
• I had to help Lincoln pee in a cup for his first time.  If you have ever had to help a boy do this for the first time, it is quite an experience.  I'll just say, we were lucky to get out of there without any major spills.
• We stopped by Grandma and Grandpa McPheeter's house before going home.  They gave Lincoln and Calder each a bag full of Easter goodies.  Lincoln looked at the bottom of the bag and asked, "When did Grandma and Grandpa go to China?"

The day I became a hypochondriac.

As many of you know, I am a huge hypochondriac.  I have been, however, much better as of late.  Other than this pugnacious cold I have been battling for almost a month (heaven help me to be ready to run the half marathon on April 18), things have been going rather well.  

The first time I believe that my hypochondrism ever showed itself was during the last month of my mission.  During those last few months, I had developed what appeared to be a mouth fungus so rancid, so vile, so uncouth, my companion refused to have morning kisses with me anymore. 

I went to three doctors, took countless drugs and even engulfed an entire regimen of healing herbs that some herbalist we were teaching gave me.  He promised that the concoction of 12 herbs would rid the body of any fungus.  The next day was P-day and we went golfing.  I downed herb after herb after herb until my stomach was a residual, acidic herb garden.  I threw it all up out the side of the car on the way to the course.  

*Side note: Yes, missions are tough.  Real tough. BUT my mission is the ONLY time in my life that I was able to go golfing once a week.  I go golfing once a week now and I'd be wearing dirty shirts for the rest of my life.  Ha ha - once a week - IN MY DREAMS!  Now, back to our story...

With two weeks left on the mission I decided to do the unthinkable to kill this prickly monstrosity.  I filled my mouth up with Listerine and just held it there.  I held that Listerine in my mouth for a full 45 minutes.  Yes, it stung.  Yes, it burned.  Yes, I was dying.  My companion sat across the room from me, reading a book and laughing his guts out.

As my watch beeped, alarming me that the 45 minutes were up, I ran to the bathroom and dumped the mouthwash in the sink.  I opened my mouth and looked in the mirror.  The fungus was gone!  Success!  Unfortunately, the skin on the roof, the bottom and the sides of my mouth was gone too.  I pressed my tongue up against the roof of my mouth and cringed in immediate agony.  It felt soft and spongy and every time I brushed my tongue against my mouth, I doubled over in misery.  

I could not eat solid foods for about 9 days and my companion could not have been more entertained.  I returned home soon after and resumed morning kisses - thankfully, this time with Cathi.

Homonym fun - by Cheeseboy

Can you get carpel tunnel by carpooling through tunnels too often?

If a horse gets married, does it wear a bridal bridle?

If Alphabet cereal were numbers, would it be serial cereal?

If Tom Cruise took his family on a ship would it be called "Cruise' Crew's Cruise"?

If you checked out a book at the library about wet poop  would it be a "Due dewy do-do"?

If Richard Simmons owned a boat, would he call it the "Fairy Ferry".

Why did the chimney sneeze?  It had a "flu".  

If Robin Hood's sidekick worked at McDonalds, would he be known as "Friar Frier"

If a clown gets strangled by a clown hater, would it be called "going for the juggler's jugular"?

If the Lochness Monster ate bagels, would he put lox on it?  

Sometimes, after I cut the lawn, I am in a real mowed mode.

If Lindsay Lohan got a part in a movie where she played a brave woman, would she be a "Heroine Heroin"?

He he.  That was fun.  More to come.

Song of the Day: Bright Eyes - Four Winds

This is one of the first Indie bands I got a couple years ago.  They have a really cool sound, but many complain that the lead singer is a bit "whiny".  They are not one of my favorite bands, but they have quite a few excellent songs.  This one is perhaps my favorite:

Contemplating a career change, but not sure what direction to go...

It looks like I will be paid anywhere from $1500 - $5000 less next year. It's very painful because clearly I make SO MUCH money already. It is really making me rethink the whole "teacher" thing. I mean, I love my job and I think I am really good at it, but I do have a mortgage and I don't exactly want to work for peanuts. Although, if they are salted, shelled peanuts, I might actually be willing to work for peanuts. Or, if they were those crummy marshmallow peanuts, and rich people wanted to buy them from me for lots of money, I would in fact be willing to work for peanuts. Also, if the only thing left on earth to eat was peanuts, then yes, I may work for peanuts. Or, if I was an elephant.

The truth is even if I wanted to find another job right now, I wouldn't exactly have my choice of sweet nectarines to pick from a nectarine, uh, plant??? What do nectarines grow on anyway? What I am trying to say is that finding a job that I like as much as teaching or that makes more than teaching is pretty much impossible right now. Although, I do have a few ideas:

1. Ronald McDonald - There is this Ronald McDonald guy that comes to our school every year, tells a few jokes, does a couple tricks and then says, "DON'T DO DRUGS!" and calls it a day. My Principal actually told me that I would do an excellent job at this. Yes, I am not sure if this was a compliment, but I am going to go ahead and say... it wasn't! He actually told me that this Ronald McDonald assembly guy makes like 100 grand a year.
Pros: The $100,000/year thing.
Cons: You are Ronald McDonald.
2. Barber - I've been watching a lot of Leave It To Beaver with Lincoln lately, and the thing is, everyone always loves the Barber. Also, Barbers are almost always sarcastic and jaded. But if I were to be a Barber, I would have have my own manly place. No way am I going to "shampoo" anybody.
Pros: Tips and free shaving cream.
Cons: Touching greasy, old man hair daily.
3. Join a posse - Preferably one for that Anoop guy on American Idol. I can't think of a single celebrity that I would be a better posse fit for than Anoop. A posse are those guys that hang out with famous guys famous people, right?
Pros: Hanging out with Anoop.
Cons: Also, hanging out with Anoop.

Chances Calder Will Lay On The Floor

The view of the Jazz game: Section 119, Row 22, Seat 21

As part of the Junior Jazz experience, Lincoln received free tickets to tonight's Jazz game.  If you hadn't heard, the Jazz lost to the lowly, pesky Timberwolves.  (For some reason, Hot Rod Hundley always finds Timberwolves to be "pesky".)  We sat - I am not joking - on the VERY LAST ROW.

Our seats were so high that we needed binoculars just to see the Jumbotron.

Our seats were so high, I had to constantly duck my head to see below the United States flag.

Our seats were so high, a few of the folks around me skipped the nose bleeds and went straight to the aneurysm. 

Our seats were so high, when I stood up to cheer, I bonked my head on the ceiling.

Our seats were so high, the Jazz dancers implants actually looked like normal sized breasts.

Our seats were so high, we had our own personal Sherpa to find them.  Ours was named "Lakhpa".  He was a nice guy, but when he yelled "Go Jazz", it sounded a lot like, "Cow Spaz".

Our seats were so high, the chairs were outfitted with an oxygen mask.

Our seats were so high, we could touch the floating blimp.

Our seats were so high, the cotton candy went soggy due to the high humidity.

Our seats were so high, you could pay a quarter to look through giant, metal binoculars for 30 seconds at a time.  

Our seats were so high, when they dropped the miniature parachutes with the free tee shirts tied to them from the rafters, the guy just reached down and handed us one.

Our seats were so high that when the Jazz bear shot the tee shirt gun in our direction, the tee shirt was intercepted by a bald eagle.

Finally, the game came to an unfortunate and embarrassing end and Lakhpa guided us down the steep embankment.  Our seats were really high.

Pie v. 33 year old digestive track = The Pie wins

The Pie is the best pizza in Utah - hands down. In fact, it is just as good as anything I have had in Pennsylvania, New York or pretty much anywhere else in the nation.  I'm not sure what their secret is.  The extra cheese?  The sweetened sauce?  The eclectic, underground atmosphere?  It's all delicious.

When I was a teenager, or in college for that matter, I could sit in that basement lair and down slice after slice of scrumptious cheese dunes.  I recall once going with a bunch of buddies, ordering the giant pie and dropping pound after pound of palatable, saucy glory down my gullet.  I must have eaten 8 slices that night, and the amazing thing is - I probably went and played 2 hours of basketball immediately afterward.

This eve's sapid venture was not as well received by my abdomen as when I was a young lad.  By the forth slice, I had become a hunched mound of man-sweat on a bench. Moving had become an inconvenience.  That forth slice... that forth slice is always a claptrap.  It's like it looks up at me and that divine cheese molds into a delectable mouth.  "I know I look good Abe.  I put on this little number just for you, you sexy man.  Heck, I even threw on the mushroom necklace as a seductive tease.  Forget what your innards are trying to tell you.  I... your forth slice, am your cruelest mistress.  I look good now, but you know you're going to regret me in a couple hours."

After waddling to the car, crawling into the house and crashing on the couch, I suddenly felt a cringe of guilt.  I felt other cringes, but I am pretty sure one of them was a guilt cringe.  I mustered up enough energy to pull on some sweats. I jogged 4 miles in the rain.  The entire time, it felt as though I was carrying a five pound pouch of broken marbles in the front of my hoodie.  Whenever I have a meal like this and run, my acid reflux really acts up and I am re-tasting my meal the entire time.  Each time I burped up Pie acid, I thought, "That's right... I am a health machine.  No wonder we have that Shape magazine subscription."

I ran four miles.  Probably just enough to burn off that ranch dressing I dipped my breadsticks in.

An evening of class and dignity at the local Nickelcade.

Our neighbors invited us to go to Nickelcade tonight.  I haven't checked in the mirror yet, but I believe my neck has become a slight auburn shade. 

Nickelcade is quite a place.  With a 2 dollar cover charge, one can spend a delightful evening pumping nickels into age old video games.  In addition, tickets are given out for skeeball, hoop shoot, money drop and other lively amusements. 

The best thing about Nickelcade is that I get to make trailer park friends without actually living in a trailer park!  As a wondered the joint, I noticed I was the best dressed man in the place - and I was wearing overalls and a straw hat.  Strange adult men with pockets full of nickels and handfuls of tickets stood at 30 year old Centipede and Mario Brothers games, reliving their adolescence.  

I love the skeeball.  It's like bowling without the complicated scoring and the hand drier.  Actually, skeeball is what bowling should be.  Instead of pins, we should be aiming the ball at big, round holes marked with different scores.  However, skeeball is the most humiliating when the ball goes past the plastic casing - rattles around - and then roles right back to you.  It is like an ultra gutterball and you can feel it right in your gut.  If this ever happens to you, your best move is to turn around, leave the rest of the balls and walk slowly away. Dignity is so very fragile when you are standing at a Nickelcade skeeball machine. 

Once our nickels ran out, we gathered our tickets and attempted to leave.  I say attempted because we spent the next half hour gazing through a glass shelf full of worthless crap.  I say a half an hour because getting a seven year old to pick a couple pieces of crap items from a giant shelf of piece of crap items is nearly impossible.  I say piece of crap items because honestly, there is not a single thing that I would take home if they were giving them out for free.  I spent the entire half hour saying things like this:

"Lincoln, you can get the kazoo and the whoopee cushion, but not the Chinese handcuffs."  

"Lincoln, just pick something!  How bout the giant bouncy ball and the ridiculously oversized penny?"

"Alright Lincoln.  This is getting really old.  Just get the wax lips and the bendy pencil and lets get the heck out of here!"

That poor ticket taker lady.  She must be the most patient person in the world.  Day after day - hoards of wavering, rueful kids slobbering over year old candy and corny, drossy garbage.  All for ten bucks an hour.  Ah, the gilded life of a princess ticket lady. 

Our evening ended appropriately at McDonalds - the king of the all things redneck.  Of course, Lincoln and Calder - fresh off settling on their colossal bouncing balls - spent most of the evening on the McDonalds floor, chasing the balls through the "restaurant" like they were runaway kittens.  Fortunately, the McPloyees had just drug a filthy mop over the McTiles and the place was shiny McClean.  Truly, our classy night of redneck glory had come full circle.  

Honestly, it was all great fun, and I would loooooove to go at it one more round.  That skeeball machine has not seen the best of me yet!  Thank you Ty and Daphne for the evening of posh and delight.

The most important thing I learned from the evening: The economy may be in shambles, but the value of a Nickelcade ticket to a creepy old guy remains sky high.

Song of the Day: Lightspeed Champion - Tell Me What It's Worth

Great band, great sound, and now we know what D.J. Lance is doing while he is not working on Yo Gabba Gabba (Not really DJ Lance)

Fellow LOST fans -

Hey fellow Losties - Saw this shirt for babies and I would LOVE to get it for my next kid.  (Arriving soon...)