At the Oprah employee Christmas party White Elephant gift exchange.

Oprah: It's my favorite time of year again.  THE COMPANY white elephant GIFT EXCHANGE!

Gary: - sigh - Yeah, well, I think it's a yearly load of...

Jessica: Oprah, I think what Gary is trying to say is that we all feel that our white elephants are always a little inferior to whatever it is that you bring.

Oprah: Really? I had no idea.

Sandra: Yes.  For example, last year I brought that sitting on the potty book and Kevin got it.  That was funny, remember?

Oprah: Ha ha.  Yes.  But if you remember, I brought that ceramic white elephant.  I mean I brought an ACTUAL white elephant.  What could be more clever than that?

Jeremy: The one with the diamond encrusted tusks that was imported from the tribal regions of India?

Oprah: Yes, that was the one.  

Mary: Well, I loved that one.

Jeremy: That's because YOU WERE THE ONE THAT WENT HOME WITH THE BLASTED THING!

Sandra: And two years ago, you brought an HDTV Refrigerator.  Remember?

Oprah: What?  What?! It was left over from the '07 "Favorite Things" show.  I thought it was a hoot.  I mean, a leftover.  

Sandra: Yeah, but I brought a spatula.  A spatula.  How do you think that made me feel?

Oprah: That's why it's called a "White Elephant".  You never know what you are going to get.  

I think we should just get started.  Does everyone have their stuff wrapped and in the middle of the circle?

[groan from the group] 

Oprah: Okay, it's a Christmas tradition that I select the order.  Sandy, you get to go first this year.  Jeremy, you get second choice. Now, pick something out of the middle Sandy.

Sandy: Okay.  Hmmm.   Tough choice this year.  I think I will choose the large, car-shaped thing wrapped in gold-lined wrapping paper.

Jeremy: OH CRAP!  THAT IS WHAT I WAS GOING TO PICK!

[Sandy unwraps the gift]

Sandy: A BRAND NEW HYUNDAI SANTA FE?!  THANK YOU OPRAH!  THANK YOU!

Oprah: Ha ha!  Do you get it?  It's a Hyundai!  Ha ha!  I mean, who drives a Hyundai?  And get this... it doesn't even have a GPS!  Ha ha!  A Hyundai of all things.  Me and Gail were laughing about that one for days.

Sandy: [nervously] He he.  Yeah, I mean... funny, I guess.  Good one Oprah.  Funny.  Now if you will excuse me for just a minute, I have to go make a phone call.  

Oprah: Okay Rick, you're up.

Rick: [grumbling] Crap. I guess I will take this rectangular one.

[Rick unwraps the gift]

Rick: A signed picture of Oprah?  Now this sucks!

Oprah: Well, if you don't want it, I'll take it!

1st Grade Christmas Program VIDEO #6 - Grand Finale - Snowman Medley

This was our final number for the program and it brought the house down.  This song is a medley of popular music all about snowmen.  (For those in Utah, it is inspired by the song Once There Was A Snowman.  For those outside of Utah, you will still like the video)

I'd love to claim credit for the words for this music, but the words were done by a Utah group called "Inside Out".   You can find their stuff here.

I promise, you will not regret watching this video.  This was the last song and the parents gave the kids a long standing ovation.  I have no idea how we will top this next year.

NOTE: THIS IS THE FINAL VIDEO IN A SERIES OF 6 VIDEOS.  IF YOU HAVE NOT YET WATCHED THE OTHERS, YOU CAN FIND THEM BELOW.

And now I give you... The Once There Was a Snowman Medley

1st Grade Christmas Program VIDEO #5 - Grandma Got Ran Over By A Reindeer (With a surprise Grandma)

We actually performed this song before the others I posted, but I forgot about it.

Now, I must admit, I kinda, no I REALLY hate this song.  But the kids love it and the school sorta expects me to dress up as Grandma every year.

So if you are wondering who that Grandma is - waddling around like a moron - it is me.

Here is the best part of this video: I had no idea that my mike was NOT on and no one could hear me.  At the 1:51 mark, I realize it, lift up my dress and turn on the wireless mike.  I then announce to the audience, "Ah, I figured out!  We Grandmas are not too tech savvy."

But why am I telling you?  It's all right here in the video.  Just watch.

NOTE: IF YOU HAVE NOT YET WATCHED THE OTHER FOUR VIDEOS FROM THIS PROGRAM, THEY ARE BELOW.  IT WOULD BE AWESOME IF YOU CHECKED THEM OUT.  I DOUBT YOU WILL REGRET IT.

1st Grade Christmas Program VIDEO #4 - Must Be Santa RAP!

Immediately following my best (or worst) Bruce Springsteen impersonation, I grabbed a clock and a hat and became "Abey Flave" for this rap with the kids.

The best part of this song for me was seeing the other first grade teachers dress up as rappers, dance and chest bump each other.  You can see them on the very left hand side.  Too funny.

And while I am mentioning the other teachers, just let me say that this program was a success because of them as much as it was because of me.  They are awesome.  I work with some really cool ladies.  Clearly, they were willing to dress up as rappers and chest bump each other.

NOTE: IF YOU HAVE NOT YET SEEN THE OTHER VIDEOS FROM THIS PROGRAM, THEY ARE BELOW.  TRUST ME, YOU WILL BE GLAD YOU WATCH THEM.

And now, without further ado, I give you the first graders and Abey Flave doing the Must Be Santa Rap.

1st Grade Christmas Program VIDEO #3 - Bruce Springsteen's version of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town"

Well, at this point of the program, we had totally blown the parent's minds and they started to realize that this was not going to be your "normal" first grade program.

I sing this song with the first graders every year.  However, this year it turned out the best because I turned the mike on unsuspecting kids and they helped me sing all the way through.  There were many, many moments of hilarity.

This song also features the dancing of two giggly 6th grade students that were running our projector for us. It just added to the controlled chaos and hilarity.  They make their appearance in the middle of the song.

So here I am, Cheeseboy, singing WITH the first graders.  Be sure to hang on to the end.  That last kid's note is a doozy!

ALSO: If you have not yet watched the other two videos I have put up from this unique program, they are right below this one.  I implore you to watch them!

1st Grade Christmas Program VIDEO #2 - Christmas Day! (Remake of Weezer's "Beverly Hills")

I rewrote the words to Weezer's "Beverly Hills" for this little ditty.  The kids really enjoyed belting out the lyrics. I think the parents may have enjoyed it a little more.

A couple notes about this song: My wife was in the back so there are a couple things she could not capture on camera.

1.) There is a group of four adorable girls in front of the stage on the right hand side, gathered around a microphone.  They are singing the "gimme, gimme" part that you can hear.
2.) On the left hand side of the stage, there are four boys playing amazing air guitars.

Half way through the song, you will enjoy some extreme air guitars by the entire first grade.

**ALSO: Be sure to check out the first number we performed - "Elves Just Wanna Have Fun" below if you have not yet seen it yet.

So, I give you, "Christmas Day, That's Where I Want To Be!"  Enjoy! (More to come.)

1st Grade Christmas Program VIDEO 1 (Of many to come!)

Now, I know what you're thinking.  Why would I want to see video of your lame old Christmas program, Cheeseboy?  I mean, how many times do I have to watch six-year-olds sing Santa Claus is Coming to Town while standing stone-faced and sad?

Well, well, well.  You have never seen one of OUR Christmas programs.  This is not your normal, boring Christmas program.

So, I've decided to post one video per day.  I shall do this for two reasons 1) I had my wife film it in high def which takes FOREVER to upload to Youtube.  2) I want to stretch this thing out as long as I can and keep my audience begging for more.

Today, for our first installment, I give you "Elves Just Wanna Have Fun".  I rewrote the words to "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" to fit our theme.  My wife was filming from the middle of the auditorium and so it is she couldn't film the dancing stars that came forward in the middle of the song.  Hope you enjoy!

(PS: The audience ate this one up.  There was a huge roar when they finished.)

Want to know what to get a teacher for Christmas? I've got just the thing! (And Song Of the Day)

There are two, count them TWO men bloggers in Utah that happen to be elementary school teachers.  It's a good thing we have met and have become friends, because if we became mortal enemies, they might have to close down the public school system.

Anyway, my good friend, Mr. Z posted today about giving your kid's teachers gifts.  A little "do's and don'ts", if you will.  It is the perfect guide. He's entitled it, "So Just What do You Give That Teacher for Christmas?"  And this brilliant post is definitely worth a read because I agree with every... single... point.  YOU CAN FIND IT HERE.

Or here...



I really need a button.

In other news, today's Song of the Day is from Coldplay.  They just released their first Christmas tune and I have to say, I quite enjoy it.  So much so that I actually forked out the $1.29 to buy it on iTunes.  (Actually, I used a gift card, but still!) Here's Coldplay's Christmas Lights.  (I apologize for the crummy commercial.)

If people find me boring at parties, just wait until they hear this story!

Occasionally, I will be at a party or social gathering and I will have a desperate need to share something so I feel like I am being a productive member of the party.  When I am very desperate, I will usually share the following very dull story: 

Yeah, there was this one time, I was standing in line at Disneyland for that Peter Pan ride with my son.  You know, the one that always has that really long line?  Well, there I was standing in line, minding my own business - because that's what I do when I am in line. Anyway, I was with my boys and we get all the way up to the front of the line and the Disney Worker  - AKA: "Cast Member" - says to me, "Hey, do you know who that lady was that was standing right in front of you?"


I say, "No."


And the Disney worker was like, "THAT WAS TERI HATCHER!"


And I was like, "NO FREAKING WAY!"  


And he was all, "Yep.  I promise."  


And then I got on the ride and the entire time I was like, "HOLY COW!"


And then I thought, "I can't believe she had to wait in line just like everyone else!"

So the above story is 100% true, but it is the end of the story and when I tell it, I will usually wait for the reaction of the person I am telling it to.   Most of the time they are ambiguous and  I say that because I THINK ambiguous means "pretending to be interested." I then generally feel the need to make this story a little better so I don't sound like a total turdwad.

So remember when I said that I didn't even know that Teri Hatcher was right in front of me?  Well, I didn't know it was Teri Hatcher because she was wearing one of those English looking cap things.  You know those caps that have like the really small brim and are made of flannel?


Well, when we were in line, this woman that turned out to be Teri Hatcher kept asking about my camera.  At the time I had a Flip video camera and they had just barely hit the market.


I told her that it was a Flip camera and they were only like $100 bucks!  


And she was all, "Wow, that's a really good deal!"


And I was like, "Yeah, I know.  My dad gave me mine."


And before I know it, she is getting on the ride and that Cast Member dude tells me, "DID YOU KNOW THAT WAS TERI HATCHER?"  


And I was all, "GET OUT OF HERE! NO WAY!"


Now at this point, the person I am telling this story to is usually really starting to squirm.  Sometimes they say they need to go to the bathroom or get another drink of punch so that eventually they can go to the bathroom.  So, now I really feel the pressure to really fix this story into something they will tell their friends about!

Well, remember how I said she was asking about my camera?  So I get home and a couple weeks later I was surfing the internet; and by that I mean - looking at pictures of Teri Hatcher.  


Get this - I see this picture on People.com of Teri Hatcher at the beach.  And her kids are running down the beach and what does she have in her hand?  


That's right... A Flip camera!  


I was all, "NO WAY!  GET OUT OF HERE!"


I was blown away.  I mean, she totally got one after I told her how I liked mine.    


I was like, "I WONDER IF THEY ARE SELLING MORE FLIP CAMERAS BECAUSE OF HER?"


And then I was all, "I WONDER IF THEY ARE SELLING MORE FLIP CAMERAS BECAUSE OF ME?!"  


And then my wife came in and was all, "Who are you talking to?"


And I quickly closed my laptop and I was like, "Nobody.  I was just thinking about buying another Flip camera."  


And she was like all, "Why do we need two?"


And I was all, "I bet Teri Hatcher has like six!"


And she was like, "Who the heck is Teri Hatcher?"


And then the person that I am telling this story to is like, "Wow, that is really something!"  And I just nod and say, "Yes, I know."

Cheeseboy's Top 20 Songs of 2010

Well, it's that time again.  Time for Cheeseboy's top 20 songs of 2010.  Now, if you are not a fan if indie or alternative music, you probably ought to just move along, but be sure to come back for my next blog post.  It is sure to be full of jolly fun and hilarity.

Anyway, before we get started with the countdown, allow me to put on my Carson Dally mask and change into my Casey Kasum voice.  Let's take a look back at the previous years top.

2008: 
1. The Story Of The Grandson Of Jesus - The Cloud Cult
2. Impossible - Shout Out Louds
1. Glass Of Water - Coldplay

2009: 
3. Sick Muse - Metric
2. Little Secrets - Passion Pit
1. We Are The People - Empire Of The Sun

And now, the countdown for 2010...

2010:
20. Good For Great - Matt & Kim   (From Sidewalks)
19. Harmonix - Surfer Blood   (From Astro Coast)
18. Stylo - Gorillaz: featuring Bobby Womack and Mos Def   (From Plastic Beach)
17. Breakneck Speed - Tokyo Police Club   (From Champ)
16. My Time - Minus The Bear   (From Omni)
15. The Charm - Maps & Atlases   (From Perch Patchwork)
14. Unbearable Why - Dr. Dog   (From Shame, Shame)
13. Permalight - Rogue Wave   (From Permalight)
12. Salt In The Wound - Delta Spirit   (From History From Below)
11. I Want The World To Stop - Belle & Sebastian (From Write About Love)
10. Ruling Me - Weezer   (From Hurley)
9. Moves - The New Pornographers   (From Together)
8. Crossfire - Brandon Flowers   (From Flamingo)
7. The High Road - Broken Bells   (From Broken Bells)
6. This Too Shall Pass - OK Go   (From Of The Blue Coulor Of The Sky)
5. On My Way Back Home - Band Of Horses   (From Infinite Arms)
4. Bloodbuzz Ohio - The National   (From High Violet)
3. Walls - Shout Out Louds   (From Work)
2. The Long Way Home (Tom Wait Cover)  - Mates Of State (From Crushes)

And the #1 song of the year was released way back in January.  It comes to us from one of my very favorite bands, Vampire Weekend.   From their second album Contra, here is Cheeseboy's very favorite song of 2010: White Sky

Saturday Graph: My belly after I have gone to the Olive Garden

Cheeseboy's 2010 Christmas List

CHEESEBOY'S 2010 CHRISTMAS LIST

1. A tractor.  There's this country singer, I forget his name. Randy Stetson maybe?  But I think my wife really likes him.  Anyway, he sings this song -"She Thinks my Tractor's Sexy" - that I occasionally hear her listening to.  I'd like it if when she heard that song, she was thinking about me and not this Randy Stetson fella.

Sure, a tractor may take up two-thirds of our backyard, but it will totally be worth it when she comes home to see me sitting on it, sweaty and wearing a white tank top, "muscles" rippling in the wind.  Yeah, I think I want a tractor.

2. A rubber mallet.  When working with various materials, I like to use a hammering device that matches my personality. I see myself as "gentle, but firm with the ability to rebound."  When I use a metal mallet (or a wooden mallet), my personality doesn't shine like it does when a rubber mallet is held firm my hand.

Also, I do not have a rubber mallet.

3. A hedgehog. If I had a hedgehog - a friendly, well trained hedgehog that would ride on my shoulder - there is no way that anyone is going to mess with me.  Let's just say I was walking down the street and someone was thinking about mugging me.  I guarantee they are going to think twice about mugging me when they see a hedgehog on my shoulder.  I mean, think about it.  If you were looking for someone to mug and you see two guys walking down the street and one of them is wearing khakis and the other one has a friggen hedgehog riding on his shoulder, you are going to mug the guy wearing the khakis.

I think if I owned a hedgehog, I would really mess with the muggers and I would make tiny khakis and put them on my hedgehog!  Now that mugger really has to think twice!  "Hm, who should I mug?  The man wearing khakis or the man with the hedgehog on his shoulder that is wearing the khakis?  Clearly both these men have the class and potential to be carrying a large sum of money.  I am clearly stumped here."

4. A flying beret.  No, not a beret that flies. (Although that would be awesome.)  Rather, a beret to wear when I am taking an airplane.  Berets are the perfect headwear for flight travel.  In fact, I am surprised that some airlines do not provide paper berets for men to enjoy.  They could be perfectly tucked behind the barf bags, away from the In Flight magazines that have the advertisements for the nose hair trimmers and pretend rocks that hide keys.

Note: Paper berets provided in the seats of airline seats (behind the barf bag), is a trademarked Cheeseboy idea. Any trademark infringements will be prosecuted to the full extent of international law.




5. Squirrel Feet Earrings.

An Interview with the Wife of Cheeseboy (If she would actually do an interview with me.)

The following is an interview with my wife.  Not a real interview - of course, she would never agree to an interview for this blog.  Rather, it is my interpretation of exactly how the interview would go if she were to agree to such a thing.  


In case you were wondering, this post is actually an attempt to get my wife to laugh out loud at a blog post, which is such a rare occasion that when it does happen, it kinda makes my day.  Anyway, off to the interview...

Cheeseboy: I am so happy that you agreed to do this.  Never in a million years would I think that you would agree to do this.

Beloved Wife: Yeah, well technically I didn't agree to this at all.  Technically, you are just making up every  thing I am saying right now.

Cheeseboy: Yes, well should we start with the questions then?

Beloved Wife: Sure.

CB: Okay, question number one - the question all my readers have been dying to know:  What's it like being married to such a funny and awesome guy?

BW: Ha ha. You're such a dork.

CB: That may be true.  But that wasn't the question.  The question was what's it like to be married to such a funny and handsome man?

BW: I don't know.  You're a dork.

CB: Alright, next question.  What is your favorite Cheeseboy post of all time?

BW:  I don't know.

CB: Come on. There has to be one that stands out.  Just one?

BW:  I don't know.  I really don't.

CB:  Nothing comes to mind?

BW: I don't know.

CB:  Alright, that wraps up the first (and likely only) ever interview with Cheeseboy's wife.  Thank you, beloved wife for your time.

A video Christmas card from Cheeseboy and his sons. WARNING: You are going to need the tissues.

Please excuse the quality of the video, but do not excuse the awesomeness of my singing.

FYI: I HATE this song and make fun of it constantly, so it is okay to say as much in the comments.  

If a soccer mom took over for Santa...

Most modest female Santa on the web.

The following is an excerpt from a speech by a She-Claus mom to the elves just before she embarks on her Christmas Eve night - delivering toys to the good girls and boys around the world. 

Attention Elves! [Echo: Elves... elves... elves]  I SAID, ATTENTION ELVES!

I am NOT going to ask you to be quiet AGAIN!  Do you understand?

First things first: Do these flannel pants with white cotton cuffs and added padding in the buttocks make my butt look big?

Nevermind, nevermind. Don't answer that.  Now, let's get down to business.

Elves, as you can see, I am not the usual, jolly Claus you are used to seeing this fateful night.   Your beloved Santa's in the back of my Dodge Caravan*.  I've got him tied up back there using some bungee cords I got in the Target dollar bins last week.  He better not have those big boots on the back of my seat. 

Don't even try and save him.  I've got the child locks on and they work for elves too.

I've decided to take over his route.  I was talking about it with the girls in spin class and we thought it was a good idea.  I mean, he's always trudging up our kitchens and using our bathrooms in the middle of the night.  I swear, Christmas morning, it smells like reindeer carcass in there.

Now, I'm going to need some help from a couple of you because I am not sure how I am going to get down some of those chimneys.  I've been watching my points real close this past month, but do you realize how many gumdrops are in this place?  Those blasted things are like 3 points EACH! 

While I'm gone, I'd appreciate it if you all would throw your dirty socks in the hamper.  You all know how elf socks can get; after two days, they are as rancid as a reindeer carcass**.  It's not that hard, elves.  The hamper is right in the corner.  You just walk them over and place them in. The hamper is the square thing in the corner of your bedrooms. It's not that complicated.

If you need anything, you can call me on my cell phone.  And if anything, and I mean ANYTHING crazy happens, be sure and take a picture of it so I can BLOG about it tomorrow!

I'll be back by 3:00 AM.  That's usually when I hit the gym anyway.  I'll definitely need hit that elliptical machine after all those cookies and two percent milk I plan on downing!  I don't even want to think about the points I'll be racking up tonight.

Lastly, dear elves, I would like you to understand that it is not polite to refer to a woman's tummy as a "bowl full of jelly."  Maybe that was okay with your last boss, but you have to understand what babies do to a woman's body.  I know you think you are paying me a compliment, but it hurts.  I mean, it really stings.

The time has come.  You call me if anything comes up.ON DASHER AND DANCER AND SWEETIE AND HUNNY .  ON COMET AND CUPID AND SWEET-CHEEKS AND BABE! 

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

Post script: After I finished this post, I realized this has the makings of a very, very bad Disney movie staring Jamie Lee Curtis.

Post script 2: Just an FYI - You might want to think twice when looking up google images for "Woman in Santa Suit". 

*The "Dodge Caravan" is a vehicle used by moms worldwide.  It is well known for it's mechanical failures and it's lameness. 

** I know I used the metaphor "reindeer carcass" twice, but that is because I picture a whole lot of reindeer carcasses sitting around the North Pole.