Another week of jokes written by me.

Alright, another week of Tweets down the drain.  This week was a rough one for me as I changed my avi to an actual picture of myself instead of a cartoon.  That way, if I'm ever internet famous, people will know I'm real.  As a result of the change, people did not recognize me and did not star and RT as prevalently.

Also, that old avi is just one I found online and I was scared of getting sued.

Well, here they are. The jokes I wrote this week and their stats.

@Cheeseboy22

Me? Oh I'm just standing with 87 other men, staring at various women's body lotions in this Target cosmetic aisle. (36 RTs, 170 stars)

My nomination for dork of the year goes to the guy at the Mumford and Sons concert playing the air banjo. (25 RTs, 130 stars)

I am the world's worst wrapper and also the worlds worst rapper. (11 RTs, 98 stars)

FYI: When renting a Christmas movie for your kids, there's a big difference between "A Chip & Dale Christmas" & "A Chippendales Christmas" (13 RTs, 94 stars)

Guys, I am like 95% sure that Tom Arnold is playing Joseph in this live nativity! (5 RTs, 74 stars)

Posting my jokes on Facebook is like begging people for a long, stupid @ reply. (7 RTs, 97 stars)

The Wafle House is not actually made of wafles guys. I tasted it. (17 RTs, 110 stars)

Trimming the Festivus pole. (11 RTs, 63 stars)

If they ever make a movie of my life, I hope it is in claymation and I am played by the most handsome California Raisin. (12 RTs, 97 stars)

Parenting tip: Keep the spirit of Christmas alive in your kid's heart by using the threat of Santa's naughty list throughout the entire year. (11 RTs, 113 stars)

I put a giant marble in the hippo cage and just as I thought, it went straight out its butt. (6 RTs, 83 stars)

Recipe idea: Stuff candy cane & gingerbread in your turkey to make a festive stuffing! Ladies, you may pin this idea on your pinny website. (8 RTs, 87 stars)

What the bible doesn't say is that the stable had a Fitness Center On-Site & Same Day Dry Cleaning. Really, more of Holiday Inn Express. (8 RTs, 86 stars)

7-11 has a beautiful assortment of gift cards. (11 RTs, 93 stars)

This party has Michael Buble playing, ugly sweaters & organic hors d'oeuvres. Looks like it will be a white Christmas after all. (32 RTs, 121 stars)

Deleted verse: Said the little lamb to the shepherd boy, Do you smell what I smell? (16 RTs, 105 stars)

Anyone know the fastest and quietest way to break up a 200 pound block of coal? (12 RTs, 83 stars)

My favorite yearly fatherly torture: "You boys have to wait for me to take a shower before we open presents." (15 RTs, 87 stars)

I've only stepped on two Legos so far today. A Christmas miracle! (33 RTs, 123 stars)

Giving a kid a Lego set is like saying, "Here, I hope your parents aren't busy for the next couple days." (21 RTs, 116 stars)

Anne Hathaway's voice is so good in Les Mis, it almost makes you forget how weird looking she is. (18 RTs, 97 stars)

My 10yo son wanted to be the "spitting camel that spits in people's faces" for tonight's nativity reenactment. I've never been so proud. (10 RTs,112 stars)

New shoulder workout idea: Go to a concert and lift girls up on them. The bigger the girl, the better the workout. Do at least 8 reps. (5 RTs, 58 stars)

I changed my avi to my actual photo. Let the unfollowing commence. (4 RTs, 77 stars)

A fanny pack would be the perfect place to keep orphaned baby kangaroos. (10 RTs, 77 stars)

My kids beg me to put on Arcade Fire & scream for mercy when Taylor Swift comes on the radio. It's called parenting. People should try it. (9 RTs, 65 stars)

Remember that dude with the giant head made of cheese? That's me. I changed my avi. Same average jokes though. (8 RTs, 94 stars)

Talking about your quercitin & kaemperfol filled, pesticide-free, organic apple every day keeps everyone away (8 RTs, 56 stars)

I won't let my son eat a carrot that fell on the floor, but I will let him eat an icicle from the bottom of a dirty Oldsmobile. Parenting. (22 RTs, 92 stars)

Insanity is doing the same thing over & over again and expecting different results. Or... going shopping for pants with a woman. (30 RTs, 79 stars)

I'd watch an all-Ninja Turtles cast version of Les Mis. (13 RTs, 61 stars)

An invitation into the back of a van is either going to end really well or really badly. (9 RTs, 51 stars)

Kept asking for breadsticks at Olive Garden until I had enough to build fort. When waiter came to fill my drink, I said, "I'm in the fort." (14 RTs, 74 stars)

I think people thought I was funnier back when my head was a giant block of cheese. (7 RTs, 62 stars)

Discreetly got the wedged underwear out of my butt without using my hands. Also, you probably don't want to buy a broom from this Target. (29 RTs, 83 stars)

Parents, don't let your kids listen to Kidz Bop. It is the gateway drug to liking Glee later in life. (18 RTs, 65 stars)

Some things are easily forgotten, but an unfriending on Facebook? That lasts forever. (9 RTs, 58 stars)

Cheeseboy's Top 10 (plus 1) Movies That Made Me Laugh

As a self-appointed "funny guy",  I quite fond of funny movies.  As I ready myself to watch what I feel will become one of my favorite funny movies (Sleepwalk With Me), I started contemplating my favorite movies that made me laugh.  

Perhaps you have never heard of some of these movies?  Perhaps you have.  Perhaps you are wondering what the meaning of all of this is or the meaning of life.  Perhaps you are wondering where the best place for wafles is at 3:00 in the morning.  I'll get to all these questions, but first you may want to read this list.  You may also want to write some of these titles down so you may Netflix them or whatever the kids are doing nowadays.

11. Just Friends (2005) - Staring Ryan Reynolds and Amy Smart.

Reynolds singing "I Swear" at the beginning in a fat suit is one of my all time favorite movie moments. So very many other funny moments though.

BEST LINE - Chris: [writing in her yearbook] Dear Jamie, When we're together, I feel like we're not in high school, but in our own little Chris and Jamie world. Whether we're watching 'Party of Five' or practicing our cheers, I feel like I can just be myself. Jamie, we've been friends for a really long time, but I want to be more than that. Hoping to be your boyfriend... Sincerely, Chris Brander. BFF! 

10. The Jerk (1979) - Staring Steve Martin and Burnadette Peters

Steve Martin is my comic hero.  This is the first of two of his movies on my list, I watched this movie for the first time when I was 12 and I will never forget that day. (My cat also died that day.)  This was the original "Dumb and Dumber" and was better than that movie in every way. Perhaps it should have just been called "Dumb".

BEST LINE - Navin R. Johnson: I know we've only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day, and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it. 

9. American Movie (1999) - Directed by Chris Smith

This was the perfect documentary in every way.  It follows the life of a couple Wisconsin losers without jobs, trying to make a horror movie on a budget of zero.  The dorks prove to be very endearing and by the end you are cheering for them to succeed.  In the middle there are so many laughs to be had.

BEST LINE - Do you think this is a little cathartic for you? - - Uh, very cathartic, Mark! - - Do you know what cathartic means? - - No.

8. Bridesmaids (2011) - Staring Kristin Wiig and Melissa McCarthy

A chick flick, I know.  Crude, I know.  I had to put a Judd Apatow movie on here though because he followed me on Twitter for about 6 months and I feel I owe it to him.  Honestly though, by the time I finished the movie I feel as though I had been hit in the gut with two giant fists of comedy furry.

BEST LINE - Annie: You read my diary? 

Brynn: At first I did not know it was your diary, I thought it was a very sad handwritten book. 

7. Office Space (1999) - Staring Ron Livingston and Jennifer Anniston 

Too bad Anniston's career was all downhill after this one.  This is one of those movies I just have to stop and watch when it comes on cable.  It has such great deadpan, but what makes it truly appealing is that just about everyone can relate to it.  A little crude but if you are worried about that, watch the TV version.  It's probably on right now.

BEST LINE - Samir: No one in this country can ever pronounce my name right. It's not that hard: Na-ghee-na-na-jar. Nagheenanajar. 

Michael Bolton: Yeah, well, at least your name isn't Michael Bolton. 
Samir: You know, there's nothing wrong with that name. 
Michael Bolton: There *was* nothing wrong with it... until I was about twelve years old and that no-talent clown became famous and started winning Grammys. 
Samir: Hmm... well, why don't you just go by Mike instead of Michael? 
Michael Bolton: No way! Why should I change? He's the one who sucks. 

6. Napolean Dynamite (2004) - Staring Jon Heder and Efren Ramirez 

I know, I know, you can't live in Utah or Idaho without either loving or hating this movie.  Put me in the love category, although I don't go around driving everyone crazy quoting it all the time.  Except for now.

BEST LINE - Napoleon Dynamite: Do the chickens have large talons?

5. Troll 2 (1990) - Staring Michael Stephenson and George Hardy

If you have seen this movie, you know exactly why it is in my top 10.  It has been dubbed "The Best Worst Movie of All Time" and it is truly horrific in every way.  It's not even about Trolls, nor does it reference Troll 1.  It was not meant to be a comedy, but it has amazing comedic value.

When I was a teenager, my friends and I must have watched this movie 45 times.  Each time, we laughed as though it was the first.  If you haven't seen this, you just have to.  There is no way to describe it.

BEST LINE: Joshua: A double-decker bologna sandwich! 

Creedence: Aaahhh! Think about the cholesterol! Think about... THE TOXINS...! 

4. The Man Who Knew Too Little (1997) - Staring Bill Murray and Peter Gallagher

I could have put just about any Bill Murray movie on this list but this is my absolute favorite.  No one plays the buffoon like Bill and he plays it to perfection.  The whole plot just makes me giggle.  The ending had me in laughter tears.  Yes, laughter tears, it's a thing.

BEST LINE: Wallace: She told me about the letters. 

Gilbert Embleton: Letters? What letters? 
Wallace: The letters. She told me about them. I know all about the letters. How do you think I know? She told me. That's how I found out. 

3. The Other Guys (2010) - Staring Will Farrell and Mark Wahlberg 

The newest movie on the list, I can not get enough of it.  Like Office Space, it seems to be on every day and I find myself watching it over and over again.  In fact, it's on right now.  I better hurry and finish this so I can watch it.

BEST LINE: Allen Gamble: At age 11, I audited my parents. Believe me, there were some discrepancies, and I was grounded. 

2. Bowfinger (1999) - Staring Steve Martin and Eddie Murphy

This movie is brilliantly funny and brilliantly written and brilliantly well lit as to highlight the actors faces.  My favorite Steve Martin movie, but the very best part is when they force Eddie Murphy cross the crowded highway.  I am laughing right now thinking about it.  I am laughing out loud.  I am LOLing, but OUT LOUD! 

BEST LINE: Robert K. Bowfinger: Would you be willing to cut your hair? 

Jiff Ramsey: Well, yeah, but it would probably be better if someone else did it. I've had a few... accidents.

1. Waiting For Guffman (1997) - Staring Christopher Guest and Eugene Levy

In my opinion, the very best Christopher Guest movie and the movie that made me laugh more than any other movie in existence.  Probably the best movie ever made by anyone.  

BEST LINE: Corky St. Clair: Here's the Remains of the Day lunchbox. Kids don't like eating at school, but if they have a Remains of the Day lunchbox they're a lot happier. 

The Twitter Posts of this Week

Another week down, another week of tweets.  My current follower count stands at 10,279. Here is the nonsense I wrote this past week.

@Cheeseboy22

Got my wife a gift card to the store "Library" for Christmas. Guy told me it was good for anything there & they have a great return policy! (18 RTs, 105 stars)

Okay Facebook, we've got that Mr. Rogers quote. You can stop now. (9 RTs, 102 stars)

Michael Buble singing "Santa Baby" just came on the radio and I changed the station. I JUST SAVED CHRISTMAS! (14 RTs, 93 stars)

My week on Twitter: Wasted a bunch of time. (74 RTs, 183 stars)

If you're wondering why we're not friends anymore, it's because of that one time you spoke to me in a fake British accent. (24 RTs, 137 stars)

f you reference one of your old tweets in a new tweet, know that I'm too lazy to go back and and read it. (6 RTs, 106 stars)

I am getting fatter. My wife seems to be getting even hotter. I call this the "90's Sitcom Husband Paradigm". (61 RTs, 222 stars)

I've found that the best way to get all your ducks in a row is with a massive amount of duck tape. (30 RTs, 130 stars)

You know who's a cold hearted snake? I'll give you three hints: 1. It's a male. 2. He's cold. 3. He knew Paula Abdul in 1989. (14 RTs, 90 stars)

Just finished "liking" every single one of my Facebook friend's statuses for the past 16 months. Man, I am going to be so popular! (19 RTs, 140 stars)

Hey first graders, I know you are talking about your Yugioh cards, but beyond that, I don't have a clue what you're saying. (4 RTs, 90 stars)

Christmas tip: Keep an insulting, large-breasted British man in your closet to ridicule carolers as they leave your doorstep. (7RTs, 91 stars)

A cute thing I tell my kids is that last year our chimney gave Santa a horrible case of pneumoconiosis or miners lung. (14 RTs, 131 stars)

I just ate soggy waffles and now I have lost all sense of direction. (13 RTs, 110 stars)

You're so lucky I was chosen to be your Secret Santa because my new high-powered binoculars have allowed me to know exactly what you want. (21 RTs, 139 stars)

It's a good thing this Target has hatchets on sale so I can chop down the unnecessary plastic pine trees growing in the seasonal department. (8 RTs, 114 stars)

One of the best things about teaching first grade is that nobody suspects the teacher for the smell. (31 RTs, 155 stars)

Thanks for the $20 card to Macaroni Grill. Here's your $20 card to Olive Garden. What was the point of this again? ~ Coworkers at Christmas (111 RTs, 234 stars)

Pomegranates are just annoying grapes. (13 RTs, 134 stars)

Well Time Magazine passed me by again, but I'm still in the running to be named "Man of the Year" by over 800,000 mommy blogs! (4 RTs, 78 stars)

You'd probably look like Macaulay Culkin does today too if your mom had abandoned you on Christmas Eve. (8 RTs, 76 stars)

Holiday stalking tip: Start singing carols while you're hiding in their closet to bring some Christmas joy to the season! (13 RTs, 96 stars)

After each haircut, I give my SuperCuts stylist a lock of my hair in a frame & say, "I think we'll both remember this day for a long time". (15 RTs, 122 stars)

Today's greatest actors have all played historic figures: Daniel Day-Lewis as Lincoln, Colin Firth as King George, Tim Allen as Santa Clause (8 RTs, 86 stars)

Don't take the "Christ" out of Christmas. Don't take the "mas" out either. Also, don't take the "rist" out, you'd have Chmas. Sounds Jewish. (28 RTs, 127 stars)

Mark Wahlberg packed on 40 lbs for his next role as a bodybuilder. Interesting because I've packed on 40 lbs for my role as "fat dopey guy". (10 RTs, 110 stars)

If you say, "You get what you get", I can promise you, I will be throwing a fit. (5 RTs, 82 stars)

Go to the Les Miserables premier in a Phantom of the Opera mask. Walk out in the middle of the movie while yelling "WELL THIS IS BULL CRAP!" (16 RTs, 99 stars)

Carpe Diem or as they Mayans would say, "Tomorrow you die." (13 RTs, 75 stars)

It's time to get busy living or get busy Mayan. (41 RTs, 133 stars)

Mistletoe does not fix ugly. (23 RTs, 84 stars)

First the Mayans say the world will end today and then they take it back. I wish there was a term for people like that. (31 RTs, 85 stars)

It's pretty creepy that Madonna would sing to Santa's Baby like that. (7 RTs, 63 stars)

A cute thing I tell my kids is that the more Christmas inflatables you have on your lawn, the more Santa hates your guts. (14 RTs, 59 stars)

I appreciate and love all my Twitter followers so much that this Christmas I'm getting every one of you a Google+ invite. (4 RTs, 50 stars)

This Week's Tweets!

Hey everyone.  Another week down, another week of mediocre to funny tweets.  This week, I've added something new... I've included the number of Retweets and Stars a tweet received so you can see which ones were the most popular.  So, here they are...

@Cheeseboy22

How have scientists found a way to take the seeds out of watermelon but they have not been able to do the same for Bobby Brown?  (18 retweets, 88 stars)

I'd work out today, but I'm too tired from all the eating. (23 RTs, 107 stars)

I'd like to send a special Christmas thank you to all the salad bars with a chocolate pudding option at the end. (25 RTs, 142 stars)

Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.) (80 RTs, 214 stars)

I just ate both Captain Crunch and pineapple for dinner and now the inside of my mouth looks like a scene from Kill Bill. (33 RTs, 159 stars)

Almost up to 10,000 Twitter followers, so you can suck it, 312 Facebook "friends". (16 RTs, 110 stars)

I DID IT! 10,0000 Twitter followers! I WON Twitter! Anyone know if Twitter sends out their checks at the first or the end of the month? (33 RTs, 184 stars)

I don't need to teach my 10yo son about girls. He plays something called "Minecraft". (32 RTs, 157 stars)

Tom Hanks doesn't get the credit he deserves for playing 8 different really creepy guys in The Polar Express. (14 RTs, 130 stars)

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I can't remember the rest because I am a fool. (36 RTs, 159 stars)

I'm not positive why the 6th graders were giggling as I walked out of the faculty bathroom, but I have a pretty good idea of what they heard. (19 RTs, 124 stars)

Just added "clean the oil spill off a baby pelican" to my bucket list. Also added, "spill oil on a baby pelican". (23 RTs, 148 stars)

Report: "USDA to allow more meat in school lunches". This is fantastic news for my students that love the taste of dog food. (14 RTs, 109 stars)

I told my son to give an Elf on the Shelf to the mall Santa and whisper in his ear, "Send him back to hell where he belongs, mall Santa." (34 RTs, 156 stars)

Most famous wolf in Yellowstone was shot yesterday. Investigators think the other wolves were jealous of his fame & obtained gun illegally. (9 RTs, 85 stars)

I was watching a commercial for this Les Miserables movie & getting excited to see it & then they started singing & I was like, "Ah crap." (23 RTs, 111 stars)

It's getting to the point that you can inflate anything and put it on your lawn as long as it is Christmas time. (25 RTs, 139 stars)

I think it's important that kids nowadays know that they wouldn't even HAVE a Christmas had Ernest not saved it back in 1988. (154 RTs, 256 stars)

I've replaced all the heads of the camels on our lawn with Cabbage Patch Doll heads, making our nativity scene the creepiest on the block. (63 RTs, 176 stars)

I bought our Christmas tree from Rite Aid giving our Christmas the festive smell of cough syrup and vaseline. (15 RTs, 106 stars)

When we see a dead deer on the side of the road, a cute thing I tell my kids is, "Look to see if it had a red nose, kids." (30 RTs, 136 stars)

Hey people naming your girls "Yessica". Nossica. (58 RTs, 205 stars)

Liking indie rock makes me feel better than you. (7 RTs, 66 stars)

"The Nutcracker" is the perfect description of what it's like to have to sit through the ballet "The Nutcracker". (15 RTs, 74 stars)

If you're thinking of getting married, know that those laughs you're getting from that special someone will turn into eye rolls at "I do". (18 RTs, 107 stars)

Cheeseboy's Best Albums of the Year

Every year for the past 4 years I've ranked my 40 favorite albums of the year. It's a pretty dorky thing to do, but I don't care, it's fun. So here are my top 40 favorite albums of 2012. Below them I've also included my top ten from the 3 years prior.

1. Radical Face – The Family Tree: The Roots
2. Passion Pit - Gossamer
3. Mumford And Son – Babel
4. Miike Snow – Happy To You
5. Imagine Dragons –

 Night Visions
6. Two Door Cinema Club – Beacon
7. Metric – Sythetica
8. Dr. Dog – Be The Void
9. Of Monsters And Men – My Head Is An Animal
10. The Avett Brothers – The Carpenter
11. The Lumineers – The Lumineers
12. Matt & Kim – Lightening
13. Delta Spirit – Delta Spirit
14. Family Of The Year – Loma Vista
15. The Shins – Port Of Marrow
16. Walk The Moon – Walk The Moon
17. Electric Guest - Mondo
18. Beach House – Bloom
19. Fun. – Some Nights
20. Benjamin Gibbard – Former Lives
21. The Killers – Battle Born
22. The Temper Trap – The Temper Trap
23. Minus The Bear – Infinity Overload
24. Silversun Pickups – Neck Of The Woods
25. Islands – A Sleep & A Forgetting
26. Animal Collective Centipede HZ
27. Freelance Whales - Diluvia
28. White Rabbits – Milk Famous
29. Band Of Horses – Mirage Rock
30. The Big Pink – Future This
31. Fanfarlo – Rooms Filled With Light
32. Grizzly Bear - Shields
33. Bad Books – II
34. Divine Fits – A Thing Called Divine Fits
35. The Walkmen - Heaven
36. Yeasayer – Fragrant World
37. Japandroids – Celebration Rock
38. Muse – The 2nd Law
39. The Helio Sequence – Negotiations
40. Chairlift – Something

2011
1. Death Cab For Cutie – Codes And Keys
2. The Sounds – Something To Die For
3. Architecture In Helsinki – Moment Bends
4. Decemberists – The King Is Dead
5. The Strokes – Angles
6. The Head And The Heart – The Head And The Heart
7. Brett Dennen – Loverboy
8. Manchester Orchestra – Simple Math
9. I’m From Barcelona – Forever Today
10. The Rural Alberta Advantage – Departing

2010
1. The National – High Violet
2. Vampire Weekend – Contra
3. Shout Out Louds – Work
4. Mumford And Sons – Sigh No More
5. Mates Of State – Crushes
6. Dr. Dog – Shame Shame
7. Rogue Wave – Permalight
8. Arcade Fire – The Suburbs
9. Matt & Kim – Sidewalks
10. Tokyo Police Club – Champ

2009
1. The Sounds – Crossing The Rubicon
2. Passion Pit – Manners
3. Metric – Fantasies
4. Animal Collective – Merryweather Post Pavilion
5. Empire Of The Sun – Walking On A Dream
6. The Rural Alberta Advantage – Hometowns
7. Silversun Pickups – Swoon
8. We Were Promised Jetpacks – These Four Walls
9. Islands – Vapours
10. Mew – No More Stories Are Told…

Here is a video from my favorite artist of the year, Radical Face. He's amazing.

This Week's Tweets!

I know, I've kinda given up on the blog.  I feel guilty about it.  But I'm going to start posting my week's worth of tweets on this blog every Friday for you to enjoy and for me to keep track of.

So, I'm sorta, kinda back to blogging.  Really, I am just copying and pasting.  However, it is very complicated copying and pasting, so that counts for something, right?  Anyway, here are this week's tweets. Feel free to read them or don't. It's entirely up to you.

Remember me? 

@Cheeseboy22

There was an old lady who swallowed a cat. (It's fine though. She has like 11 more.)

I wish there was a Christmas movie in which some sort of chaos happens to an unsuspecting family.

"Pum Pa Rum Pum Rum Pa Pa Rum" ~ Drunk Little Drummer Boy

When people ask, "Don't I know you from somewhere?", I reply "Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy."

My steps to wrapping gifts: 1.Wrap 2.Tape 3.Looks like crap. 4.Unwrap it and just shove it in one of those decorative gift bag things.

Went and saw a play of "The Christmas Carol" tonight. It was total crap. Scrooge didn't even have a duckbill!

My 6yo son:What are those top things you spin for chocolate coins called? Me: Dreidel? Son: Yeah dad! I want one of those for Christmas.

I think this owl and this raven are in caw hoots.

When one door closes, another one opens. Maybe the same door, especially if there are no other doors in the room. You have to leave sometime.

I once I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus. Which is weird because we were Jewish.

Hey people posting the picture of Santa kneeling by the manger on Facebook: I don't think that is historically accurate.

I've never once in my life heard a bus driver say, "Move on back."

FYI guys: Aquafresh means "Water fresh" in Spanish.

"Grandma Got Ran Over By A Reindeer" is my favorite Christmas song about the death of a grandmother.

'Tis the season to abbreviate "it is".

Just finished putting up a single strand of Christmas lights on my house that says "Jewish".

I told the worker at Target that the shepherds and wise men would have loved the way he straightened up the fake Christmas tree display.

Son: Dad, was the manger filled with peas? Me: No, why? Son: The song, 'sleep in heavenly peas'. Me: Oh, yes! Yeah, it WAS filled with peas!

I'm so hairy, I go shirtless to ugly sweater parties.

Ate lunch at Sizzler today and now I am 84 years old.

What I've learned from Glee is a bunch of people of different races, sexual orientations & disabilities can unite to make a pile of crap.

My lucky Secret Santa recipient is going to be ecstatic when she sees that her desk has been coated in a layer of Axe Body Spray tomorrow!

A cute thing I tell my kids is that if you feed the Elf-On-The-Shelf after midnight or get it wet, it will turn evil & attack you.

Don't let folks tell you that you'll never amount to anything. I mean look at me, I was a goof-off in school & now I write jokes on Twitter!

"HOLY COW!" ~ Hindu farmers

The Whopper is 55 years old! Well, not *this* Whopper. Well, maybe this Whopper. I'll let you know, just a second.

A cute thing I tell my kids is that if you fart while sitting on Mall Santa's lap, Real Santa will bring you extra presents.

My kids once asked how I met their mother. Ten years later I'm still telling the story and they have totally lost interest.

Sure glad I paid the extra two bucks to see the live nativity instead of the dead one.

Thank goodness that singing farmer named his dog "Bingo" and not his first choice, "Buttsniffs".

I'm amazed at how young and vivacious Cindy Crawford's mole has stayed.

The handsoap in this Bed Bath and Beyond bathroom tastes so much more tart than at Target.

The world's greatest idiot test is to see who clicks "reply all" to a mass company email.

FYI: No matter how much you offer to pay, they will not allow you to replace the stuffing in your taxidermied pets at the Build-A-Bear.