Four Overly P.C. Parents of First Graders

Dear Principal,

It has come to my attention that a first grade teacher at your school is having the students sit on the floor "Indian style".  I'll have you know that my child is 1/16 Cherokee Indian and I find this deeply offensive.

Further, I'd like to point out that it is a complete misnomer that American Indians sit with their legs crossed all the time.  Look, they have chairs just like everyone else. (Yes, occasionally they do sit with their legs crossed on the chair, but that is generally the exception, not the rule.)

I implore you to require this teacher to stop using this horrifically offensive phrase. I'd never ask children to sit "White Man Style"! (Sitting like you are watching a NASCAR race while eating mayonnaise with a Hooters waitress in your lap.)

Thank you for your time,

Beatrice Footinmouth
1/8 Cherokee Indian
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Dear Principal,

It has come to my attention that a teacher at your school has recently replaced the phrase "Indian style" with "Crisscross Applesauce".  I would like to voice my concern regarding this issue.

My name is Chris Kelley and I was one half of the 90's rap duo "Kriss Kross".  My daughter is now in the class that this phrase is being used.  I have to say that I am deeply hurt and offended by this.  During our band's heyday, we never once sat on stage with our legs folded.  That would have made for a very awkward moment.

I would appreciate it if you spoke with this teacher and told her to stop using this offensive language.

Thanks,

Chris Kelley
Jumper

PS: I would also like to express my dissatisfaction with the removal of "backwards clothes day" from the school  calendar.
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Dear Principal,

My son recently came home from school and told me that his teacher asked him to sit "Crisscross Applesauce" on the floor.

My name is Dale Mott, owner of Mott's Applesauce and I can assure you that we did NOT intend our applesauce to be spread on the floor and sat in by a bunch of children. I presume that you will remedy this situation.

As a thank you, I have included a free sample of our sauce.

Thank you,

Dale Mott
Owner, Mott's Applesauce
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Dear Principal,

My name is Gerald Smartington, CEO of "Frankleton's Pocketless Pants".

In the last couple weeks, my daughter has come home from school complaining of her teacher asking her to "sit on your pockets".  I'll have you know that my daughter does not own a single pair of pants with pockets on them.

I am deeply offended by the use of this phrase. What ever happened to sitting "Indian Style" or "Crisscross Applesauce"?!  I think you will find that as our business booms more and more of your students will not have pockets on their jeans.

Unless you remedy this problem, I will have my lawyers look into what can be done.

Thank you for your time.

Gerald Smartington
CEO, Frankleton's Pocketless Pants

The After Oprah Diaries

The following is a few of the scribbles I have jotted down in my journal on Thursday as I have begun the coping process of dealing with the tragic loss of our 'Beloved' Oprah.

(Thursday)

7:00 AM: I woke up this morning covered in soot from head to tow. I glanced around and realized that it was not soot that I was draped in, but a salty chrysalis had formed around my sleeping body because of the massive amount of tears that had dripped from my eyes while I slept.  

7:15: This bowl of cereal seems soggier than usual. I wonder what cereal Oprah would suggest? Oh right. Crap.

9:20 AM: Inspiring and teaching a group of first graders seems so pointless with Oprah off the air.

10:00: Alas recess!  I'm teetering between tears and acceptance and acceptance of my tears.  It is a three way teeter-totter. I mostly totter.  Teetering must come later. It's the tottering that sucks.  I'd kill for a teeter. Man, I am such a wreck right now!

12:00: Oprah.  

12:35: Pull it together man. You've got kids in there wanting to be taught and you are hovering in the corner of the hall and shaking uncontrollably.  Is this what Oprah would want?!  IS THIS WHAT OPRAH WOULD WANT?!

12:36: Answer: NO.

1:30: I am reading Oprah Magazine to my first graders. I don't even care. There's an article in this month's issue on 60 day liquid diets that I think we can all benefit from. I miss her already. 

2:27: I'm making a doll.  Well, a replica doll of Oprah. I am using yarn and paper mache and a stapler but it's not working. I'm getting really frustrated and the kids keep looking over at me and wondering why my arms are covered in paper mache and why I am yelling "FAVORITE THINGS" over and over.

2:45: Gave up on the doll.  Started drawing Oprah. Gave up on that too. Got out some Playdough.

2:55: My Playdough Oprah is complete. I had to use more Playdough than I did five years ago.  I should send this to Oprah. No, first I'll let it dry and then I'll send it to her. 

3:00: I really should get myself a pair of croc-skinned Crocs. (This thought non-Oprah related.)

3:30: That bush looks an awful lot like Steadman. 

4:00: Oprah's on!  

4:01: Ah crap. That's right. 

4:30: I am watching Dr. Phil and pretending that he is actually talking to Oprah. 

4:32: This is NOT working. Dr. Phil is actually talking to a prostitute with one leg.

5:00: Crying again. Not unusual this time. I always cry at 5:00.

5:15: Boy has this has been a long day. I wonder what Oprah is doing right now? She's probably with Gayle, getting a massage by the pool. I hate Gayle.

5:25: Why can't I be Gayle?

6:00: It's been a long day, journal.  I'll get back to you tomorrow.   I've got Dr. Oz on the DVR.  Tomorrow will be a better day.  It has to be easier than today.

Dancing Teachers! (Cheeseboy included)

I've been very busy lately. No time to blog.  I've been working on our epic first grade program, for which I will have video shortly.  In the meantime, enjoy this AWESOME video that I made of the teachers at our school dancing! (I did the filming, a fellow teacher's husband did the editing.)

We showed the video to the entire school during our first grade program and they roared with laughter.

You can see ME dancing at 0:13, 2:99 and 4:25.  But watch the whole thing cause it is pretty darned awesome! 

Monster Daddy Moment & Letters by Cheeseboy Jr.

Hello beloved Blog O' Cheese readers.  Today a hilarious fatherhood story I wrote is featured at "Mommy of a Monster".  It's not long at all.  It's probably worth your time to go read it.  Wait, who I am to say it's worth your time?  Plus, Mommy of a Monster is a pretty cool gal. Maybe it's not funny. I don't know. I think it's pretty funny, but I am a moron. Click, if you dare.  But if you don't, at least read the letters my son wrote below the icon.

My son's third grade teacher gave him a glowing review of the following letters he wrote from an elephant to a snake.  I think a "Cheeseboy Jr." is definitely in the works.

Dear Deer,


I am Ellie the elephant.
My friends are as skinny as my trunk.
They say I'm as fat as an elephant.
I AM an elephant!


Stuck with some snakes,


Ellie


P.S. How does it feel to be deer?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Ellie,


Oh deer, there's an elephant in the room!
Don't worry, I'm here to help.
Make fun of how skinny they are.
If they respond rudely, tie them to a tree and leave them there over night.


Sincerely,


Deer


P.S. Don't feel bad. I had the same problem.

Cheeseboy Jr.

Talking Dishwasher

The Wife:


I've been asking Abe to load the dishwasher correctly for years now.  It's a good thing he's handsome and talented in so many areas, because when it comes to loading the dishwasher, I want to strangle that idiot!  But tonight something changed.  Tonight it finally clicked.  I opened the dishwasher and there was his plate, in the perfect spot, right where I had told him to put it millions of times.  I was deeply touched and when I saw that he had listened to me, I gave him the kiss of his life.


The Dishwasher:

Really, it was an amazing thing. Here I was, just sitting with my mouth closed like I normally do when that Abe character comes charging over to me like a madman; and I'm talking a real madman, like Daniel Trump or Charles Sheen! He proceeds to yank me open like I'm some sort of common, pathetic garbage can. Much to my surprise, that DOPE actually places his plate in my correct tray, on the correct shelf, in the correct direction!

I was blown away and not just by my drying mechanism either.  I knew his wife wouldn't believe it either and when she looked inside of me, I could see a tear droplet fall from her eye. I had just witnessed something I thought I'd never see in my lifespan: Abe had actually loaded me correctly. It was a moment I shan't forget.

The Microwave:

There I was, smelling my own sweet gunk covered inner walls when I see that twerp, Abe head over to the dishwasher with another plate.  He kinda, sorta nonchalantly opens the door and tosses his plate in.  I swear that FREAK wasn't even looking.  But here's the amazing thing: The plate bounces around a little and lands squarely in the perfect spot.  Luckiest shot I have ever seen! It was like a full-court basketball prayer shot that swooshes through the hoop.

I mean, this BOZO was fortunate he didn't break the plate, let alone have it settle comfortably into it's proper resting spot.  And then - get this - his wife comes over, opens the dishwasher and actually starts PRAISING him for loading it correctly!  I've never seen her so happy.  Even bed tells me things went pretty well that night.  All because this MORON tossed his plate in the air and it happened to bounce the right way. Some dudes get all the luck.

The Plate:

I'm not really sure what happened.  I mean, he was eating off of me, then he scraped me and then all of a sudden I am in the dishwasher? Apparently, this was some sort amazing feat and now all the appliances are talking about it.

The Refrigerator:

So I've heard from some of the others that this "human", Abe has figured out how to put dishes into dishwasher or something?!  Yet he still opens my door and just stares aimlessly into my bowels like a Proctologist for the obese. Of course, his wife still gets upset at him for it, but does he ever change?  No. An hour later he is back to his old self, staring into me, hoping that somehow, magically new food will appear while letting out all my cold air.  Jerk.

Abe:
I honestly don't know what it was that I did, but this is turning out to be the best day of my life!

This Month in Cheeseboy Facebook Status Updates

If you've been a follower of the Blog O' Cheese for a while, you know that on the 16th of each month, I post my very best and funniest Facebook/Twitter status updates for the month.  I hope you do not tire of this tradition as it is a very easy post for me to do.

5-15-11 at 2:09 PM: Birthdays only come around once a year and when I wish someone a happy birthday, I like to make it EXTRA SPECIAL for them! I like to go the extra mile and make them feel as though I truly care about them as a friend. I want my "happy birthday" to stand above the other 100 they receive every day. And this is exactly why I write "happy birthday" on their Facebook wall. 


5-13-11 at 4:17 PM: Happy Birthday Stevie Wonder! (Hope someone reads this to you.


5-12-11 at 11:00 PM: I'm really excited to start our new May family tradition of going into the mountains and planting a pine tree so that in December of 2017 we can go back and cut it down.


5-12:11 at 6:22 PM: I could see the forrest through the trees. Then I walked to the other side and I could see the trees through the forrest. It was at that profound moment that I realized: trees are forest, moron.


5-10-11 at 10:55 PM: I suffer from short term memory loss, paranoia and hypochondria.


5-10-11 at 10:56 PM: WHO WROTE MY LAST POST?! How did they hack into my account?! I'm so scared. And why is there a strange bump on the back of my knee?!


5-10-11 at 7:04 PM: "Kevin Maloney and 35 other friends changed their profile pictures."
Wow, Kevin Maloney is quite the trend setter of crap I could care less about.

5-9-11 at 10:40 PM: Should I stop asking myself rhetorical questions? (Don't answer that.)

5-9-11 at 4:44 PM: Here's a joke I just wrote for all my Botanist friends out there:

They say that "money is the root of all evil." Ha! I mean, if money is the root, what is the hypocotyl?! A bank card? Yeah right!

Now, on to part 2 of the joke: finding Botanist friends

5-8-11 at 3:30 PM: My first grade parents are the best! I asked for glue donations and got at least 3 horses worth!

5-7-11 at 6:52 PM: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha [So a hobbit walks into a minibar] hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha- An inside joke

5-7-11 at 4:51 PM: I can't help but think that if God had used a Mac instead of a PC to invent the world, humans and other animals would have a lot less problem with constipation. (Also, colors would be even more sharp and vivid.)

5-7-11 at 9:00 AM: I wonder how many people will "like" this status in which I say absolutely nothing?  (ANSWER = 27)

5-6-11 at 6:59 PM: Got a ton of great stuff for Teacher Appreciation Week, but my favorite is a University of Utah Snuggie. I plan on wearing it to every cold weather game this year.

5-5-11 at 10:48 PM: Every Butterfinger candy bar should come with a little toothpick in the package.

5-5-11 at 5:22 PM: People will make themselves sick not to be heard farting in public, yet they have no problem blowing their nose like a trumpet when I'm around.

5-4-11 at 5:17 PM: I could never be a restaurant owner because I can never spell "restaurant" correctly without Googling it first.

5-3-11 at 9:15 PM: Sometimes I ask for Skittles on my Subway, just to see if that kid's listening.

5-3-11 at 8:02 PM: My son graduated from preschool today! I could not be more proud. He crammed during finals week (Up until 8:00 every night!) and pushed through his research paper (drawing dogs). His thesis received rave reviews from all his professors. ("The impact of Spongebob on the 5 year old brain") I just pray that he hasn't peaked academically.

5-2-11 at 9:12 PM: I tweeted this 20 hours ago: "They should shoot Bin Laden EVERY Sunday from now on so that they can break into the Celebrity Apprentice." Tonight I am watching Conan and he tells almost the EXACT SAME joke! Coincidence or is Conan reading my tweets??

5-2-11 at 4:58 PM: I'm kinda wishing today that I hadn't said no to those Navy SEAL recruiters back in '97.

4-30-11 at 10:14 PM: Mariah Carey had twins! Finally, a plot for "Glitter 2"!

4:30-11 at 4:15 PM: Copy and paste this as your status for the day.

4-30-11 at 4:16 PM: Copy and paste this as your status for the day.

4-29-11 at 6:51 PM: Sometimes I will stop the microwave with one second left and quietly say to myself, "You did it Abe. We're safe now."

4-28-11 at 6:58 PM: Why is it that every time I wear spandex to Walmart I get the sick feeling that people are taking pictures of me?

4-27-11 at 4:39 PM: Thinking of becoming a volunteer firefighter. Maybe go down the pole once or twice and then quit. Maybe pet the dalmatian and pose for the calendar.

4-27-11 at 4:38 PM: Why is no one asking to see Kate Middleton's birth certificate? How do we know she is really British and not Kenyan?!

4-26-11 at 7:11 PM: I'd totally eat at a salad bar if it had lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, ketchup, mustard, hamburger and buns.

4-25-11 at 1:59 PM: Every girl in the world can look at Kate Middleton and say, "I too can marry a jobless bald guy that still lives with his grandmother."

4-24-11 at 7:51 PM: When the Easter Bunny takes a shower, I bet he has to clean a lot of that fake grass gunk out of the drain.

4-23-11 at 12:22 PM: Headed to Five Guys for my birthday and a heart attack.

4-22-11 at 8:07 PM: Actual conversation I witnessed my wife just have with a teenage boy working at the St. George Shoe Carnival: ..."Can I help you?"... "Yeah, what is a good running shoe for men?"... (Points) - "Asics are the best."... "Those are New Balance."... (Embarrassed) "Yeah, I am not very good with shoes."

4-21-11 at 9:28 PM: If I taught first grade at Amish School, this would be my curriculum: 

Monday -Build School, Tuesday -Quilt Tying, Wednesday -Electric Fireplace Building, Thursday -Buggy Driver's Ed., Friday - Rehearse scenes for "Witness" musical.

4-21-11 at 10:43 AM: This is a very special weekend: A weekend in which you can feel religious guilt and environmental guilt all at once.

4-20-11 at 4:42 PM: Honestly, the ONLY thing I know about the royal family is that they have weddings.

4-19-11 at 7:59 PM: My son says he hates Earth Day because they make him clean up other people's garbage on the playground. I told him to buck up - because he's saving dolphins. I'm not sure, but I think he gave me his first "bird".

4-18-11 at 5:48 PM: One of my first graders asked if brown is in the rainbow. I responded, "Only when a unicorn poops on it." I am a horrible teacher.

The Life Signs Cycle

Age 5:
Can you write your name?

Age 7:
Can I sign up for soccer?

Age 8:
Can you sign your name in cursive?

Age 10:
Can you sign my cast?

Age 12:
Mom, can you sign my report card?

Age 14:
Look son, that new hair is just a sign that you are going through some changes.

Age 15:
Dude, have you seen Signs? That ending was totally insane!

Age 16:
Sign here for your driver's license.

Age 17:
Young man, did you not see the speed limit sign?

Age 18:
This diploma is a sign of your hard work.

Age 19:
Hey baby, what's your sign?

Age 19 (10 seconds later):
Alright, I'll take this drink in my face as a sign that you're totally into me.

Age 20:
Your final grades will be posted on the sign in the hall.

Age 21:
Sign here to post bail for your friend.

Age 22:
This diploma is a sign that you are now ready to enter the workforce.

Age 22 and two months:
Where the hell are all the 'Help Wanted' signs?!

Age 25:
Baby, this ring is a sign of my deep and abiding love for you.

Age 28:
She is 3 months along with still no sign of showing.

Age 30:
Sign here to close.  And here. And here.  And here. And here.  And here. And here. And here. And here. And here.  And here.  And here.  And here.  And here.  And here. And here.  And here...

Age 35:
I think this beer gut might be a sign I need to lose weight.

Age 35 - 65:
Honey, did you sign the checks for the bills?

Age 50:
I am going to ask your daughter to marry me.  Sir, I really'd like you to sign off on this.

Age 70:
Honey, did you forget the handicapped parking sign again?

Age 75:
Didn't the sign say they have a senior citizen discount?

Age 80:
Look dad, I'm sorry but there have been a ton of signs that you need to be moved to a home.

Age 90:
Can you write your name?

New Acronyms

These acronyms needed revision to better suit what they represent.  Here are their revisions:

Old: P.T.A. (Parent Teacher Association)
New: T.S.E.L.E.Y. (The Same Eight Ladies Every Year)

Old: YMCA (Young Men's Christian Association)
New: YMGSNTTAWWI (Young Men's Gay Song, Not That There's Anything Wrong With It)*

Old: U.S.P.S. (United States Postal Service)
New: F.E.K.U.A. (Fortunately, Ebay Keeps Us Around)

Old: U.N.L.V. (University Nevada Las Vegas)
New: W.A.W.K.W.N.E.N.O. (Who Are We Kidding, We're Not Educating No One)

Old: IHOP (International House Of Pancakes)
New: P.D. (Pancake Death)

Old: R.S.V.P. (French for: Respondez S'il Vous Plait)
New: F.R. (Freedom Replies)

Old: H1N1 (Hemagluttanin Subtype1 Neurominadase Subtype1)
New: Y.A.G.T.D. (You're All Going To Die!)

Old: N.A.A.C.P. (National Association for the Advancement of Colored People)
New: A.S.Y.A.L (Al Sharpton Yells A Lot)

Old: WNBA (Women's National Basketball Association)
New: WSA (We're Still Around?)

Old: D.S. (Nintendo "Developer Systems")
New: TGBRD (Third Grader Brain Rot Device)

Old: LOL (Laugh Out Loud)
New: TMMCIMYBIATCTTL (That Made Me Chuckle In My Head But I Am Too Cool To Type LOL)

*Takes much longer to sing.

The Wilford Brimley Show

Attention!  Attention! Will everyone please take their seats?  Thank you.

Welcome everyone to the Wilford Brimley Variety Hour Stage Show.  Wilford will be out on stage in a few minutes, but before he comes out, he asked that I lay down a few ground rules.

 Wilford asks that you please turn off all cell phones and other electronic devices for the performance. He is too old to understand the sounds that these devices make and becomes easily confused.

Wilford requests that crying small children be taken into the foyer until they can control their emotions. (He hates children.)

Please, during the Q&A portion of the show, Wilford has asked that you do NOT ask questions about oatmeal and other hot cereals.

Wilford Brimley is not responsible for emotional trauma to children under the age of ten due to the size his mustache may cause.

You know what -  please don't even mention oatmeal or hot cereal when Wilford comes out.  Just no questioning or mentioning it.  Lets all respect Mr. Brimley's wishes on this.  Trust me.

Please, no outside food or drink.  Snacks may be purchased in the lobby. (Near the crying children.)

Please do not throw oatmeal or hot cereal of any kind on stage as Mr. Brimley is performing.  Especially if it is still hot.  No, not at all is a better rule. Don't throw oatmeal or hot cereal, please.

Wilford asks that we keep the lighting low, except for his mustache glow light.  Please watch your step if you have to leave.

Do not ask Mr. Brimley to turn up his mustache glow light.  Even if he could...

Back to the oatmeal thing.  Please, and I can't stress this enough, Mr. Brimely has enough on his plate to deal with hot cereal taunts and gags. Please, give the man some respect.

I know sir, oatmeal is served in bowls, not on plates.  I get it.

Please, no flash photography during tonight's performance.

Mr. Brimely has asked that the audience participate by clapping along to the songs, but not by chanting "Eat your oatmeal" to the beat.  Please respect his wishes. He can be pretty sensitive about this.

Actually, I can see many of you in the audience brought boxes of oatmeal.  I have no idea what you intend to do with those boxes, but they're making me quite nervous.  Wilford's wife, Lynne will be around shortly to collect them.

Wilford has kindly asked that popcorn be chomped at a reasonable decibel level, especially during his MC Hammer impersonation dance sequence.

Look people, I know that when Wilford takes his "30 second oatmeal breaks" throughout the show, this would seem like a perfect opportunity to tease him about oatmeal.  But the truth is, Mr. Brimely has diabetes and he needs to eat that oatmeal in order to survive.

I mean, sure, he could drink juice or eat granola bars during the show to keep his sugar level up, but he's pretty partial to that oatmeal. It's like taking candy from a baby.  A really fat baby that loves candy.  And has diabetes. And the candy is oatmeal.

Emergency exits are either side of the theater.

During the Q&A Wilford has respect his wishes by not asking the following questions:

A. How much oatmeal are you hiding in your mustache?
B. Could you tip one of those cocoons and use it to hold an enormous bowl of oatmeal?  For like a giant sized Wilford Brimley? Or Godzilla?
C. Does oatmeal cause diabetes?
D. Does oatmeal cause mustache growth?
E. Does mustache growth cause diabetes?
F. Favorite color?

Again, I shouldn't have to mention the oatmeal thing as it has been pretty well established, but I felt it needed to be reiterated.

NOW, ladies and gentleman, I give you the man you have all been waiting for!  The man behind the oatmeal... Mr. Wilford Brimley!!!

Ah, DANG IT!

The Nose Hair Waxing Video

Subway: Eat fresh! (Hope it's still "fresh" after waiting for this.)

I am ALWAYS behind these old people in line at Subway.


What can I get for you today?
What do you want honey?

[Grumbles] Oh, I don't know.  You just pick something out for us. Whatever.

Okay, I think we'll have the ham.

Footlong or six inch? 
Oh, I don't know.  How much is the difference?

About six inches.
No, in money.

Oh. A footlong is five dollars.  A six inch is three fifty.
Well, it makes sense for us to get the footlong then.  What do you think honey?

[Grumbles] Uh, I don't know.  Sure.

Can you eat that much?  A whole six inches?

[Grumbles] Yeah, yeah.  Get me the six inch.

I think we'll have the foot long then.  Can you cut it in half for us? Is that extra?

No it's free to have it cut in half.  And what kind of bread do you want it on?
Honey, the bread... what kind of bread do you want it on.

[Grumbles] I don't know.  Whatever.  I'll eat it.

What kind of bread do you have?

We have: wheat, flatbread, hearty Italian, honey oat, Italian or white, herbs and cheese, Monterey cheddar, parmesan, roasted garlic or a wrap. 
Do any of those sound good honey?

[Grumbles] I don't care, you choose.  Whatever.

Hm, the Italian white sounds good.  What were the other kinds again?

Wheat, flatbread, hearty Italian, honey oat, herbs and cheese, Monterey cheddar, parmesan, roasted garlic or a wrap.
What's a wrap?  I don't know what a wrap is.  Can you tell me about this wrap?  Sounds crazy. Wrap. It sounds interesting.  - - Honey, they have wraps!

It's just a tortilla. 
Oh.  Well, parmesan gives me cankers, I can't eat that.  We'll get Italian white.

Great.  Footlong ham on white.  And what kind of cheese would you like?
Honey, what kind of cheese do you want?

HUH?!

Cheese!  She's asking what kind of cheese we want.

[Grumbles] Oh, uh, whatever.  I don't care.

Hm, what kind of cheeses do you have?

We have American, Cheddar, Pepperjack, Provolone and Swiss.
Is the Pepperjack spicy?

Yes, it is kinda spicy.
Oh, no.  That would not be good for Carl's condition.

HUH?! WHAT?!

 - - I SAID YOU CAN'T HAVE SPICY FOOD CARL! GIVES YOU THE RUNS, REMEMBER?!

[Grumbles] Oh right. Yeah.

I guess we'll have the provolone.  It sounds pleasant.

Great.  Do you want it toasted?
You can do that?!

Yeah, we can toast it for you.
Do you want it toasted Carl?

[Grumbles] What?

Toasted? Do you want it toasted?

[Grumbles] I don't care.  Whatever.

Does it cost extra?

No, it's free.
Yeah, go ahead and toast it.  That sounds good.

WHAT?!

They're going to toast it for us honey.  Something new they do, I guess.  It's free.

Okay and what do you want on it?
What do you have?

Is this your first time at Subway?
No we come once, sometimes twice a week. We always stop on the way home from Carl's Proctologist appointments.

Oh.  Well, all these vegetables you see here.  
Are those banana peppers?

Yes.
No, no banana peppers.

Anything else?
Do you have olives?

Yes.
Do you want olives Carl?

[Grumbles]

I guess give us some olives.

Do you want lettuce?
Oh, you have lettuce???  Yeah put some lettuce on there.

Tomatoes?
Oh NO!  NO TOMATOES! No! Yuck. Ew. No.

Okay...  Pickles?
Are they sweet or dill?

Dill. 
Yeah, give us some pickles.  But not too many.  Like a baby handful or so.

Hot peppers?
Are they hot?

Yes.
Carl can't have hot food. [Whispering] Gives him the runs.

Do you want any other vegetables? 
Hm. Green peppers.  But only on my side.  Carl doesn't like them.

[Grunting] Hm?! What?

I was just telling the lady how you hate green peppers.

[Grunting] Right. Green peppers. Can't stand them. Nasty!

Would you like any condiments? Mayo?
What's mayo?

Mayonnaise. 
Oh, mayonnaise.  You should just call it mayonnaise.  That's what it's name is.  Is it fat free?

Do you want the fat free?
You have both?

Yes.
Yeah, give me the fat free.

Anything else?
Mustard.  Carl likes mustard. Not spicy though. [Winks]

Okay.
Do you have sprouts back there?

No.
Didn't you have sprouts last week?

No.
I swear we got sprouts last week.  Carl, did we get sprouts last week?

HUH?! What?

SPROUTS!

[Grumbles] I don't know.

Sorry, we don't have sprouts. 
That's a shame.  A real shame. You should get sprouts.

Okay. That will be five dollars and twenty three cents. 
Wait. You said it was five dollars for a footlong.

You got a footlong.
Oh, right.  Let me get out my checkbook.

I'm sorry, we don't take checks. 
What?

We haven't accepted checks since 1999.
Oh.  Hold on.  I think I have it in quarters then.

[Grumbles] Hungry.

Okay, here it is.  Five dollars and... ten.... twenty...one... and two.

Alright, thanks.  Have a great day!
Oh wait, Carl did you want a drink?

[Grumbles] Yeah, damn right I want a drink!

Carl wants a drink.  How much is a drink.

What size do you want?
Carl, what size?  WHAT SIZE DRINK DO YOU WANT?

[Grumbles] Diet Coke with a lemon.

NO, SIZE.  WHAT SIZE?!

[Grumbles] Small. Give me a small.

How much is a small?

Ninety nine cents.
Hold on.  I think I have it in nickels.

Sixty five... Seventy... Seventy five... Eighty... and there you go.

Thanks. Have a good day.
You too.

[Turns to me] Sorry about the wait, sir.
Abe: Me too.

The Dos and Don'ts of Teacher Appreciation Week

I'm really not one to draw attention to myself.  

Alright, that was a blatant lie.  

I kinda crave the spotlight.  I think that is why I love Teacher Appreciation Week so very much.

I feel - as a teacher that deserves appreciation at an absolute miniscule level - that it is my duty to provide a helpful advice to parents to aid their understanding in how to appreciate your child's teacher in ways that will actually make them feel like a human that does not shop at the Dollar Store.

I give you, the Dos and Don'ts of Teacher Appreciation Week.  And let us begin...

DO:  Provide your child's teacher with a heartfelt note of thanks, expressing gratitude for their time and effort.
DON'T: Ask in the note where the teacher got the painting in their living room that your new binoculars have helped you see.

DO: Purchase a small gift, perhaps a gift card to the teacher's favorite restaurant.
DON'T: Wait on the teacher at the restaurant, especially if it happens to be Hooters. (Which it's not. But you know, just in case.)

DO: Send delicious treats throughout the week.
DON'T: Send shards of homemade groundhog jerky mixed with dried apricots.

DO: Decorate the teacher's door.
DON'T: Decorate the teacher's urinal.

DO: Tell the teacher thank you.
DON'T: Tell the teacher you can not say thank you without the expressed written consent of Major League Baseball.

DO: Buy your teacher an extra large tee shirt with a logo of his or her favorite team.
DON'T: Buy them an extra small Speedo with a Hello Kitty logo across the butt.

DO: Spend $5 on a "World's Best Teacher" mug filled with money.
DON'T: Spend $5 on a "World's Best Teacher" mug filled with cocaine.

DO: Send your teacher a can of their favorite soda.
DON'T: Assume their favorite soda is Tab.

DO: Give your favorite teacher a gift card to Barnes & Noble.
DON'T: Give your favorite teacher free unlimited use of your library card.

DO: Give the teacher a gym pass.
DON'T: Tell them that this is what you thought they needed the most.

DO: Buy the teacher a gag gift that will make them laugh.
DON'T: Buy the teacher a gift that will make them gag.

DO: Yard work for the teacher.
DON'T: Do yard work for the teacher in your own yard.

I do hope you have found this short course on Teacher Appreciation helpful. Certainly, your child's teacher will be enormously thankful when she shows up with a cup full of money rather than a stuffed bear wearing a teacher sweater.

When they thank you, you can tell them that Cheeseboy gave you the idea; they'll know who I am.