Saturday Graph: Tattoo Location Referral Guide for Women

What a man, what a man, what a man, what a mighty good Cheeseman.

The comment was seemingly harmless but a perfectly placed jab of wittiness:

"How can you be a man?  I don't believe it."


I can't believe I am defending myself here, but I am a man.

Sure, my last few posts have been a bit, shall we say, "girly".  I mean, what man in his right, straight mind would write about a future princess, Easter Egg hunts and a story one of their first grade students wrote?

I suppose in a way, my blog is like Redbook magazine: Women love it and their husbands will eventually read it if it sitting around the toilet for any reasonable amount of time.

The truth is, I AM a man, and I don't need Donald Trump to request my birth certificate or even a doctor request that I turn my head and cough to prove it. No, I've got your proof right here...

- I can still name every member of the original Olympic "Dream Team". Yes, even Cheryl Miller.

- I listen to sports talk radio every morning and afternoon on my commute.

- I can name every song from Pearl Jam's first three albums.  And Alice In Chain's.  And Soundgarden's. And Celine Dion's*.

- I watch Wipe Out for two reasons: 1. To see people get smacked in the face.  2. For quick glimpses of that girl that talks to the contestants.

See, I waxed but I am still a man!

- I have burned off my arm hair several times with a gas grill.

- I have, or had arm hair.

- Some of my favorite movies are The Shawshank Redemption, American History X and Moulin Rouge*.

- I once changed my own oil in my car - and I did it with a bloody finger - just the skin around my cuticle, but it was bleeding alright.

- I eat hamburger on my steak on top of a giant platter of bacon.

- After I shave, I use Old Spice on my face and vinegar on my eyebrow.

- I can bench 100.  Or 200.  What's a lot? ((Not sure.)) Forget it, name it and I'll bench it.

Clearly, I have proved beyond a reasonable doubt that I am in fact, a male human.  The problem remains that if I write about sports and violent movies and hamburgers, I would lose 85% of my followers. So I will continue to try and entertain by being sissy.  Deal with it, sistas!

*Ah, crap!

My Open Letter to Kate Middleton (Future Princess)

Dearest Kate,

Tomorrow is your big day.  You have come so far in life.  Just think of all you've accomplished!  All of that stuff at the beginning of your life.  And of course all of that stuff you did in your early twenties.  And remember that time that you got really attractive?  That was a very important time, right?  

And now, here you are, a princess in waiting.  Just look at you, what with your fancy dress made by singing rats and your presumably beautiful singing voice granted to you by a fairy Godmother. (Elton John?)

Now that you have reached the pinnacle of life - being interviewed by Ryan Seacrest - there is only one thing left to accomplish: A reality show.  You are perfect for it - you are hot and otherwise have no discernible talents or qualities. 

Allow me to give you some marriage advice.  First, you'll probably want to get a king sized bed.  A princess sized bed is quite simply, not large enough.  Plus there is that whole pea thing, right?

Secondly, always put the bidet seat down.  Do bidets have seats? I assume they do.  I've never used one. (We have garden hoses here in the US for that sort of thing.)

Finally, and most importantly, if 'Glee' or 'The Biggest Loser' is on, occasionally give the guy a break and let him watch soccer or futball or whatever the crap you call it over there.

Congratulations and give my love to Posh Spice.  

Abe

Easter Egg Hunts: Pure Evil

The Blog O' Cheese is on hiatus for my birthday and vacation.  Please enjoy this repost about Easter Egg hunts from April 6, of last year.
There ain't nothing worse than a really great Easter Egg hunt in your local community.

On your mark... get set... TEAR EACH OTHERS' ARMS OFF!

Who hasn't been to an Easter Egg hunt with more than five kids that DIDN'T end with at least one kid in tears? Hands? Hands? That's right, you're too busy drying your eggless kid's tears with a dirty old Arctic Circle napkin you threw in your glove compartment 6 months ago.

Egg hunts are NEVER properly organized and NEVER properly supervised. I've seen kids trampled without a second thought or shoved into a cactus like a cornucopia filled with with broccoli... all in the name of a plastic egg with a black licorice jelly bean rattling around inside.

No, egg hunts are less about the spirit of Easter and more about who is the quickest, meanest and most brutal bully in a group of 100 bullies.

Can you imagine what would happen if at Christmas we hid all the toys in a park, brought all the neighborhood children together and said: OK, HAVE AT IT! After 10 minutes, there wouldn't be an unbloodied, uncrying kid left!

Hey, while we're at it, instead of trick-or-treating, we should just pour all the candy in the middle of the church gym and count down from 10. Heck, we could even throw up some chain-linked around the pile and have an all out grudge match. I'll bring child-sized brass knuckles.

I've actually attended egg hunts in which one egg holds a special prize - a $100 bill or a ticket for a free bicycle. As if an Easter Egg hunt wasn't already too much like a cruel Japanese game show! This little trick just ads fuel to an already blazing candy induced inferno. It's a little like Oprah hiding a bunch of keys around her studio and telling the audience, "Well, the more keys you find, the better chance you have at winning that Pontiac Aztec in the parking lot." Yeah, good luck finding a place to bury all those bodies Oprah.

Perhaps I am filled with such Easter ire because Mother Nature, or Father Time, or God (Who does decide this stuff?) made my boys in the extra small variety? Maybe it is because there are never enough plastic eggs in this world? Maybe it is that the younger kids always end up with the LEAST eggs, when it should be the other way around. Maybe it is simply the fact that I try and teach my boys and First Graders to share and avoid greedy gluttony instead of acting like ravenous, egg stealing rattlesnakes?

Whatever the case, I think we will stick with our simple egg hunt in the back yard with just me and the boys - that way I ONLY have two kids to trample and push into a cactus in order to get the most jelly filled plastic eggs. GET OUT OF MY WAY YOU STINKIN' KID!

Oh and hey, Happy Easter everybody!

PS: I'd like to add that I dedicate this post to my wife, who is really the one that hates large scale Easter Egg hunts. Also, she only occasionally laughs at my posts nowadays, so I am hoping to get her with one she is very passionate about.

The Perfect Post

Not quite perfect, but it will do.

For three years I've tried to write the perfect post, and I have not yet succeeded.

I tried and tried and wrote and wrote - inspiration is what I needed.

Wait, does that rhyme?  Holy crap, that rhymes.  I do not want this to be a rhyming post.  A rhyming post would never qualify as the perfect post.  Maybe for Shel Silverstein and his psycho babble, but not fore me.

My perfect post must be perfectly supreme.  Like Diana Ross, before she touched Lil' Kim's breast on national TV.  Or Clarence Thomas's polished coke can.

The perfect post must be strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.  It must hold you, thrill you, kiss you, kill you. Bono must sing about it.

My post must be so alarmingly well done, Sean Penn will beg to take it to Haiti and use it as medicine.  This post must be the thing that Oprah trades all her 'favorite things' for.

The perfect post must have spunk, pizzaz and flair. It must be fetching, tantalizing and pulchritudinous.  Especially pulchritudinous, lots of pulchritudinous.

My perfect post must "stand the test of time" and there's "no time like the present".  So it must stand the test of the present. It must stand today.  It must stand.

Speaking of standing, the perfect post must be able to stand on it's own two feet, which means it must be at least as stable as an agile baby, or a gorilla, or a well trained dog.

The post must be less - because less is more.  And then it must be more, because its already been less and, more or less, less is more.  So it needs to be less.

The perfect post must grow like a mighty oak. It must also speak softly and carry a big stick.  Good thing it is an oak.

The bigger they are, the harder they fall.  Thus, my oak post must be mighty in girth, not height. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that there's no way a fat, chunky oak falls hard, or even falls at all, unless someone is standing out on its limb.

My post must be a labour of love.  But not like a childbirth love-labour. That would just be gross.

The perfect post must crack my audience up and leave them in stitches.  It also must cut to the chase and have an axe to grind.  Pretty much, it must beat the living crap out of its audience and then murder them with a ground up axe.

Alas, I have not yet written the perfect post, but that's not to say that I don't have something in the bag... or up my sleeve... or skidmarks in my underwear.  Two of those three things I definitely have.

I undoubtedly am leaving you on pins and needles, like a careless and unqualified acupuncturist. Instead, I'll leave you hanging, like a very forgetful gallower.

But that's the way the Cheeseboy rolls; I like to keep you guessing. One of these days I'll write that perfect post, but I am not going to let the cat out of the bag.

(That's last thing is a figure of speech.  I do not actually have a cat in a bag.  Well, maybe I do.  I have a lot of bags just lying around.  I haven't heard any meow in a while.) 

This Month in Cheeseboy Facebook Status Updates

It's that time of month again.  Before you jump off the couch and head to Rite Aid to buy some more feminine hygiene products, I mean that it's that time of the month that I list all of highest rated Facebook status updates in one post.  Yes, I'll admit that this is a lazy blog post, but overall I get very good feedback on it.  So, without further ado, I give you the updates.

4-15-11 at 3:05 PM: When my son asked me where Easter eggs come from, I told him that I was pretty sure they come from a rainbow's fallopian tubes.


4-15-11 at 3:00 PM: "But dad, we can't go home! We didn't even get to try out the zipline we made." - Proof that I am a good father.


4-14-11 at 7:37 PM: Facebook "Upcoming Events" should be retitled, "Weird Crap my Friends are Trying to get Other People Into".


4-14-11 at 5:47 PM: I've learned that a Pinewood Derby car is the nicest thing a father can do for a son that the son is supposed to do himself.


4-13-11 at 7:48 PM: My 5yo, just came into the room with a plastic sword, yelled "LOOK DAD, THIS BOOMERANG IS BROKEN!" and threw it at my head.


4-13-11 at 3:49 PM: Talking about heros today and a student asked me who my hero was. I told him Bill Murray. He asked who that was and I told him that he fought ghosts and then freed the slaves. He said Bill Murray was his new hero too. I love molding young minds.


4-12-11 at 9:00 PM: Of the "Diary of..." books for kids, I put Wimpy Kid slightly above Anne Frank. But it's close. Real close.


4-11-11 at 6:18 PM: Rod Stewart's son, Sean has started following me on Twitter. My fame reaches no bounds.


4-10-11 at 4:39 PM: The total number of times I have walked into our screen door has not yet exceeded the total number of times I have fallen while putting my pants on.


4-9-11 at 12:03 PM: Ribs are my a Chili's heel.


4-8-11 at 4:21 PM: In 1st grade today the heat came on and a duct in the ceiling shook and made a strange sound. I said, "The ceiling just tooted." Somehow this became the funniest thing ever said in school, ever.


4-7-11 at 4:23 PM: I sang the entire theme to Mr. Belvedere to my first graders today to blank stares. Kids nowadays just don't appreciate butler themed vigoroso.


4-6-11 at 7:29 PM: Our library is right next to Barnes & Noble. Sometimes when I pick up some books, I'll wave them at the B&N snobs and yell "SUCKERS!"


4-6-11 at 3:53 PM: Instead of banning Happy Meal toys, they should require McDonalds to tear out playlands and replace them with treadmills and Zumba classes.


4-5-11 at 7:27 AM: I bet if you play Rebecca Black's "Friday" song backwards, it says "nuf, nuf, nuf, nuf" like 100 times.


4-4-11 at 6:36 PM: The next time I have surgery, I am going to show up to the hospital with a buzzing red lightbulb on my nose and a giant pair of tweezers.


4-3-11 at 5:41 PM: I really can't think of anything funny to say today. I am like a writer for the Jay Leno show.


4-2-11 at 5:54 PM: I'd love to kill two birds with one stone. But a better idea would be to roll a giant boulder around an Aviary.


4-1-11 at 4:00 PM: Last night I ordered the McDonalds "Angus Burger" because I wanted a classier type of diarrhea than I normally get at McDonalds.


3-31-11 at 8:25 PM: I am, without a shadow of a doubt, the greatest straight, hairy-armed, 34-year-old white man dancing to Ke$ha's "Tick Tock" while driving a minivan this world has ever seen.


3-31-11 at 4:30 PM: So apparently today is "do not buy gas day" which was perfect because I only had to wait in line for 20 minutes at Costco rather than the normal 35.


3-30-11 at 4:52 PM: Just bought a boatload of ice cream sandwiches because I want to be skinny but still eat like a cow.


3-29-11 at 7:03 PM: People that get trampolines are telling the neighbors, "I'll do anything to be the cool parent, even if it means breaking your kid's arm."


3-28-11 at 7:17 PM: The day I start watching Dancing with the Stars is the day Dora's friend Boots is chosen as a contestant.


3-27-11 at 9:12 PM: If Neil Diamond were alive today, he would probably write a song called, "Never in Jeggings".


3-26-11 at 12:11 PM: I'm going to go into a McDonalds play area with an empty collar and a leash and start yelling, "Speckles?! Are you up there Speckles?!" - - - And then when my son finally comes down, I am going to put the leash on him and tell everyone, "His name is Speckles".


3-26-11 at 12:03 PM: People that use the word "thang" are just so ridonkulous.


3-25-11 at 8:12 PM: Chuck-E-Cheese is a lot like Las Vegas for kids. Except the adults there aren't nearly as classy as in Vegas.


3-24-11 at 9:21 PM: I bet if you could smell that "Poke" finger on Facebook, it would smell pretty dang nasty.


3-23-11 at 11:06 PM: I am actually a proponent of kids riding backward in car seats until the age of 16 or the height of 5' 10", whatever comes first. After age 16, if they get caught texting while driving, it's back to the car seat for them!


3-23-11 at 4:17 PM: The Sampsonites had to be the most prepared people to meet God in all of the scriptures. Or at the very least, the people with the nicest luggage for the journey.


3-22-11 at 5:17 PM: I'm wearing a 16 year old plaid jacket thing which is great because my wife has informed me that plaid is back in. She then proceeds to tell me that my clothes are so old that they have gone from in-style to out of style to back in. Therefore, I believe that makes me a trend setter.


3-21-11 at 4:12 PM: I bet Ke$ha's little sister, Mi¢helle feels so cheap most of the time.


3-20-11 at 4:27 PM: Pretty sure God would want me to obey the Sabbath today by eating this pile of nachos and watching 7 straight hours of basketball.


3-19-11 at 9:17 AM: The morning after Five Guys starts with guilt, then shame and then the invariable acceptance that you will eventually do it again, and often.


3-18-11 at 4:26 PM: The jerks that leave a paper jam in the copier have to be the same people that don't flush the toilet when they are done.

Your Cheeseboy Fan Mail - ANSWERED!

Orville Redenbacher

From time to time, I get "fan mail" and I read that fan mail as if I were a celebrity.  That is to say, I have my people read it to me while I watch my dogs fight and then inject me with Human Growth Hormone.

Occasionally, while tearing open "fan mail" with my newly-formed C-list-celeb biceps, I will find that someone has the audacity to ask me a question.  Me, a male blogging superstar (or "stud-muffintop"), sitting alone atop my throne of stats and design templates, looking down on all my lady blog followers like common peasants.  How dare they?!

Anyhow, when occasion permits, I do like to take a little time out of my busy schedule of signing blogographs and eating organic blogckli to respond to a question or two.

This question comes from Becky O'Connelly of Sparklevilleton, North Carolina:
Does your wife ever get jealous of all the lady blogger attention you get?


An excellent question Becky.

Look, my wife knows that I am a huge hit with the lady blog community (as well as the model train community and the Accordion Players Association of Idaho), and she does not have a jealous brain in her body. Or is it a jealous bone in her body?  Bone makes more sense because you have more than one.  Saying she doesn't have a jealous brain in her body implies that she may have more than one brain, which, I must admit, would explain a lot.

Another question, this one from Sharma Klosenose, from the great state of Alaska:
What's your secret to lifelong happiness?

These questions are amazing, but they are coming out of left field, which is odd because left field is generally where you put the kid that totally sucks at catching and throwing.  I'm not saying these people suck, just that these questions are coming from a generally sucky area from wens sucky questions generally come.

To answer your question, my secret to happiness is four-fold: 1. Eat 2. Pray 3. Love.  4. Avoid the movie "Eat, Pray, Love" at all costs.

Finally, a question from Daryl Armstrong III of Newnantucket, New Mexico:
Do you prefer Facebook or Twitter?

Daryl, Daryl, Daryl, Facebook is great because I feel liked for almost everything I write.  Twitter is terrific too because people are constantly telling me I'm "RT", which I think stands for "Really Twisted" and I ALWAYS take that as a compliment.

On my way to work.

What I like to do is send all my Facebook friends an Event Invite asking them to view my latest tweet.  Then, I tweet, "You HAVE to check my latest Facebook status update." Then, my newest status update reads, "Check your email for the latest news from Abe." Then I send out a mass email inviting everyone to check my blog.  And then on my blog, I post that I'm about to announce something HUGE on Facebook.  And then I poke every one of my Facebook friends and post "I've decided to convert to the Amish and this will be the last you hear of me online."  And then, for a couple weeks after that, I grow a beard and wear a goofy Amish hat around town.

It's hilarious.

What was I talking about again?

Oh yeah, I guess I'll go with Facebook.

600 Followers! The Cheeseboy Panhandles Video

Here it is, the moment you have all been waiting for.  I officially have sunken to new blogging lows. I have begged for blogging money on the streets of Salt Lake City.

Here I am, hopping out of the mini van, about to embark on my journey.

My sign says, "I HAVE A GOD-GIVEN BLOGGING VOICE.  PLEASE HELP!"

You can not tell from the video, but the sign garnered a lot of laughs from drivers and even more very confused people.  Many people shrugged as if to say, "I don't know what that means."

The best part of this video is my 9-year-old son's commentary.  It is hilarious.  Of course, no video would be complete without one of my sons screaming and whining, so I included that in there too, for your benefit.  So, without further ado, here I am, blog-begging.  At the end, I finally score a dollar.

Finally, my new challenge for 700 followers is up!  At 700 followers, I will vlog myself entering a Subway restaurant and I will then start improv break dancing on their floor.  Should be fun!

Saturday Graph: Disney Princess Loneliness = Desperation

* I was planning on doing the video today of my begging on the street for my 600 followers.  That has been postponed to Monday because of inclement weather.  I'm not going to go out and beg in the snow.  What am I, a real hobo?

*Also, I just want to send out a shout out to my Sister-In-Law's new blog, "Oatmeal Kisses".  She is a former Kindergarten teacher and this blog is great for stay at home moms to help them plan calendars, plans and activities to do with your young ones.  Visit and follow and I am sure she will do the same for you. Click here to visit.

Cheeseboy's Five Tips for Extravagant Living on a Budget (Helpful advice.)

As a wealthy, well-to-do first grade teacher, I am frequently asked how I am able to live such a lavish and extravagant lifestyle.  After all, here I sit, king of OVER .24 acres, a satellite equipped television set and a bathroom with BOTH a tub AND a separate shower.*

Alas, given how hugely successful I have become in the money management sector, I thought it only fitting that I offer my followers some advice on how you too can become wealthy beyond your wildest imagination or dreams (Dreams or imagination - whatever is the more wilder in your mind).  

Thus, it is my pleasure to offer up five easy and guilt-free ways that you too can enjoy the highlife on a meager teacher's salary.

1. Investments

Well worth your money.

With what limited extra cash you do have, I strongly suggest making it work for you.**  The first thing I have done is trade all my cash dollar bills for Sacajawea gold dollars.  With the value of gold increasing like the value of tiger's blood, these Sacajaweas will soon be worth much more than a dollar.  Dare I say, they may be worth millions?***

Secondly, in the late 90's, I purchased stock in an up and coming company known as Beanie Babies.  And by "stock", I mean "stuffed animals".  I have over 300 in their original packaging****, waiting to be sold.  I haven't looked at what they are currently selling at, but 15 years ago, I was told that they would be worth thousands.  It's a nice little egg to have in my back pocket in case I need it.*****

2. Savings.

Through the years, I have managed to put money in banks. There are over 50 banks in our city and I am always a little nervous that the one I put my money in is going to go out of business.  

So here's the key: Put $20 in a savings account in every bank in your city.  That way, if one bank goes out of business, your loss is minimal and the rest of your money remains secure. Once you have $20 invested at every bank, invest $20 more at every bank.  BUT, make sure you open separate accounts for each $20 you invest.  

Thieves generally don't touch accounts with $20 or less in them.  At least the thieves in the Oceans movies.

Finally, NEVER use drive throughs.  I have no idea where those plastic canisters really go.

3. 401K

I don't have one.  Anything that PROMISES to give you $401,000 by the time you retire HAS GOT to be some sort of scam!  Delve into these shark infested waters at your own risk.

4. Couponing 

I hate clipping coupons but I love the discounts they give me.  So, wherever I go and spend money, I claim I had a coupon, but forgot it.  

"Oh, I swear I had a coupon for that lice medication. Let me check my wallet.******  It was for 20 cents off. Where did that thing go?" 

[Scrummaging through wallet.]

"Would you just like me to just take that off for you?"

"You mean the 20 cents, right?"

"Yes."

"That sounds like way too much trouble.  Can you just give it to me for free?"

"Can do, sir. Can do."

"You people know a thing or two about how to treat a customer."

Works every time.*******

5. Gas

With the ever-increasing price of gas, there are many ways to conserve and save money.  Of course, turning off your engine at stoplights is a given, but did you know how much gas you can save by turning off your engine at stop signs too? 

One other little trick that I like to do to save money is buying gas on the internet.  The shipping is a little expensive, but trust me, it's worth it in the end.  As an added bonus, when the UPS man arrives to drop off 20 gallons of gas, it is the perfect time to syphon gas from their trucks.  And the best part is the driver WANTS you to syphon their gas because it means he can head home early!********

*Shower originally made for the old lady that lived here before that had a fake hip and a strange things for showers.

** When making cash work for you, you are going to want to make sure the cash has all it's paperwork in order.  If it speaks in pesos, you might want to look elsewhere for help.

*** If you have a million of them.

**** Beanie Babies in their original packaging can be sold at 10% their actual original worth.

*****Eggs actually should not be placed in back pockets.  Especially eggs holding baby chicks.

*******This works way better if you have a purse.  Sometimes when I go fake couponing, I will carry a purse for this exact reason.

*******Works never times.

********Just a gut feeling.

Wordless Wednesday

.

Cheeseboy Family Pirate Dance Party 2011

Sometimes a pirates gotta have a dance party with his sons. This April day was that day for this pirate.