The Parable of Will Mart

This post was inspired by this contest that a retail giant is currently having and that the folks in my city have become enamoured with.  (We currently stand at #2 in the contest.)

There once lived a Shop Keep that lived in a wondrous and magical land. His name was Will Mart.

Will Mart sold potions, parsley, sage, rosemary, thyme and infant diapers at reasonable prices.  People from across the land would drive their chariots minutes on end to purchase fairy dust in bulk or a new George Foreman Grill.  The parking lot was always a mess.

Will was both hated and beloved in his mythical land.  Yes, he employed many poor peasants, but he paid them all but 3 farthings a week and offered them no benefits.  (I'm not sure what a "farthing" is, but it made sense for this story.  I'm sure 3 of them is about minimum wage.) 

Mr. Mart never once sold herbs and sorcery equipment produced by the local craftsmen, for he had connections to cheap suppliers across the sea in Never-Never Land and China.  The local craftsmen despised Will Mart and called him names like "Fart-Knocker" and other cruel terms that are too offensive to include in a parable or on a family blog.

Nevertheless, many of the townsfolk flocked to Will Mart's shop to obtain discounted medicines for their ill-torn children and those stretchy workout bands for their basement Rec Rooms. Others in the town refused to frequent Will's shop, for the crowds were irksome, the noise was plentyful and there were HDTV's hanging from the ceiling, blaring commercials for the merchandise.  Folks hated those TVs.

Some of the townsfolk even built a new bulletin board in the Town Square.  They would draw pictures of strange looking people with freakish features, going in and out of Will's Mart and post them for others to mock and harass.  They called this bulletin board "People of Will's Mart Dot Board."  People loved to laugh at the ugliness of those that shopped at Will's Mart.

Will's Mart became so popular, he eventually placed a Blacksmith at the front of his store, as well as a Subway. They were soon joined by a bank and some magical coin slots that make the children beg their parents for farthings.  Folks loved the ability to get their horse re-shoed while ordering a six inch meatball with American cheese.

Yes, Will Mart's Mart was a magically fantastical place; or an evil, soul crushing cold sore on the community, depending on how you look at it.

Will was a corrupt but smart man and he knew he was not well beloved in all spheres of the land.  His influence stretched from the badlands in the East to the wetlands in the West.  He knew that because of his business model and the fact that he paid the peasants he employed mere farthings, his shop's public image was suffering. It was in the winter of the ninth year of the rein of King Foxenberg, that the sinister Will Mart hatched his wicked plan.

On the sixth day of December, a decree went forth across the land.   Trumpet were sounded and the centurions were sent to declare the tidings.  Mr. Mart had thus stated: "I, WILL MART HEREBY DECREE THAT I WILL GIVE THE SUM TOTAL OF ONE MILLION FARTHINGS TO THE POOR FAMILY THAT TELLS ME THAT THEY LIKE ME THE MOST OFTEN!  YOU HAVE UNTIL THE END OF THE FORTNIGHT.  SO LET IT BE SAID."

Many signs were posted of the decree throughout the forests.

The townsfolk were flabbergasted by this news.  One million farthings was enough farthings to buy a lifetime supply of magical potions and disease ridden cows to supply the family with milk!  They wondered about Mr. Mart's true intentions.  They contemplated if he had somehow turned kind-hearted.  Certainly, one million farthings was nothing to Mr. Mart.  He could give every family in the kingdom one million farthings and still have thirty million farthings to himself if he wanted.

Many of the families sang about this unforeseen news using their best opera voices while dancing around the town square, holding buckets of water and looking towards the clouds.  (This seemed fitting for this story.)

A long line soon formed in front of Will Mart's Mart. Thousands of peasants from the Orangutan Forests in the West to the Huckleberry Cottages in the South came to tell Mr. Mart that they liked him as many times as they could.

Soon, arguments began to arise from the crowd.  Each family thought they were more deserving than the others.  One man yelled, "My boy, Tiny Tim uses a cane and talks all weepy like.  Surely, we are deserving of the one million farthings!"  A woman responded, "What about my family?  I live with seven grubby dwarfs and not a one of them has found a damn thing in those mines for ages!"

The evil Mr. Mart simply sat back in his chair and soaked in the attention.  Not only did he have a long line of people telling him how much they liked him, but now he had the entire kingdom talking about his "generous" offer and quarrelling over the farthings.

Mr. Mart, being the treacherous genius that he was, understood that he was still hated by many of the townsfolk and that they would never, ever tell him "I like you" to his face.  He decided to send out a new decree.

"YOU DO NOT HAVE TO SAY 'I LIKE YOU' TO MR. MART TO GET CREDIT FOR YOUR LIKE.  YOU ONLY HAVE TO SAY YOU LIKE WHAT HE IS DOING TO HELP THE POOR FAMILY."

This new decree was hung in the trees of the forest next to the first decree, which were still hanging.

And so it was.  Just about every man, woman and child in the kingdom was pressured by their loved ones to pay visit Will Mart and tell him what a great man he is.  Will even allowed the "likes" to be counted through the mail and by carrier pigeon.  Even giving him a simple "thumbs up" sign warranted a vote for your family.

Accusations of cheating swarmed through the air like the miniature dragons and butterflies that circled the valley skies.

Alas, the judgement day arrived and Mr. Mart stood on the roof of his shop to make the announcement. Thousands of townsfolk gathered round to hear word of who would be taking home the one million farthings to their starving children.  Mr. Mart wore his coat of many colors and stood tall to make the announcement.

"AND THE WINNER OF THE ONE MILLION FARTHINGS, WITH 372, 599 LIKES IS... THE GRUFFINGTON FAMILY FROM THE PROVINCE OF FRAGGLE ROCK!"

A lowly moan of disapproval fell over the audience.  Pitch forks were raised and fictitious swear words were yelled.  Poor Will Mart's usual smile melted into a growling frown.  His realization was complete and swift.  In his greed, he had saved his image for a time, but disappointed thousands in the process.  Surely, the Gruffington clan would be well pleased with their sudden fortune, but other's would forever curse his name.

And so it was that the townsfolk boo'd and whistled and turned their backs in shame.  And so it was that the contest was soon forgotten and Mr. Mart went on being both loved and hated in his own community.

A month later, Mr. Mart added a pedicure place to the front of his shop.

Thus lived and died, Mr. Mart - a man who would do anything to be liked, except offer his employees health insurance.
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If you have read this far, kudos to you.  I did not intend for this post to be this long, but I hope you enjoyed it.  Just a couple news items... 
1. If you have not yet read my top ten posts of the year and voted, check the post just below this one and vote it the poll on the right hand side.
2. If you need more Cheeseboy in your everyday life, as I am sure most of you do, I am now on Twitter at @Cheeseboy22

Cheeseboy's Top 10 Posts of the Year. (Please vote for your favorite.)

Demetri Martin is funny.

It is that time of year again.

No, not the yearly time that I actually scrub the floor behind my toilet.  Not my annual "Whole Foods Parking Lot Taunting Party" in which I eat a juicy Five Guys burger in front of the yuppies as they return to their cars with their organic bird seed bread.

No, it is time for the 3rd annual Cheeseboy countdown of the top 10 posts of the year.  Each year I attempt and collect the most popular and most funny posts of the year.  This year was the most difficult challenge yet.  I made a goal to increase quality and decrease the quantity of my posts this year and as a result, I ended up with over 40 posts that I wanted to include in the countdown.

Alas, with the help of my beloved wife, who helped cut out the truly strange posts, I whittled the list down to ten.  Here they are, from 10 to 1, in my preferred order.  Please feel free to click on the links and revisit their supposed awesomeness.  There will be a brief survey at the end. (No one from India will be calling you.)

10. Mission Space - The Day I Almost Died.
From January 30
A detailed account of my horrible experience on this popular Disneyworld ride and how I completely lost my cookies when it was over.

9. An Open Letter from the Glee Club Band Members to Will Schuester.
From November 16
The instrument playing members of glee club have had ENOUGH and use this powerful letter to let Mr. Shue hear their voice.

8. The Tests Came Back and I am Officially a Victim of Alley Cat Brutality.
From March 16
The true story of how I was attacked by a vicious alley cat in our local park with pictures to prove it.

7. Stupid Bloggists and the Hate they Spew.
From August 1
A popular post with the readers.  I touch upon the inhumane prejudice we bloggers feel from the non-blogging community. 


6. The Mystery of the Great Pooping Bandit of '07: A Devil's Tale.
From July 26
The true story of a boy that pooped on the first grade bathroom floor every day and the surprising ending.


5. Samson's Assistant Fetches the Jawbone of an Ass.
From September 5
A strange and frantically funny post that I still have no idea how I came up with.  I think the randomness of the post is why I like it so.


4. Men - Before you Propose on a Hot Air Balloon Ride, Think it Through Man.  Think... it... Through!
From April 4
Inspired by a good friend's proposal to his wife during a hot air balloon ride, I delve into the question: what if she would have said no?

3. I was "Manscaped" Yesterday and I Feel so Violated.
From May 8
The true story of how I had my nose hair waxed and yanked from my nostrils in a fit of rage.


2. An Open Letter from Jacob, the Sexy Werewolf Boy.
From July 1
A wildly popular post detailing Jacob's creepy plea to the creepy "old" ladies that seem to oogle him wherever he goes.

1. Silly First Graders and their Overwhelming Fears of IDENTITY THEFT!
From March 19
A true story in which I ask the first graders in my class to complete a simple project and they then lecture me on the dangers of identity theft.

Is there one you loved that I happened to miss?
Which one was YOUR favorite?
Is there anyone still out there?

Leave me a comment and let me know.
And be sure to VOTE for your favorite on the right hand side of the blog!

At the Oprah employee Christmas party White Elephant gift exchange.

Oprah: It's my favorite time of year again.  THE COMPANY white elephant GIFT EXCHANGE!

Gary: - sigh - Yeah, well, I think it's a yearly load of...

Jessica: Oprah, I think what Gary is trying to say is that we all feel that our white elephants are always a little inferior to whatever it is that you bring.

Oprah: Really? I had no idea.

Sandra: Yes.  For example, last year I brought that sitting on the potty book and Kevin got it.  That was funny, remember?

Oprah: Ha ha.  Yes.  But if you remember, I brought that ceramic white elephant.  I mean I brought an ACTUAL white elephant.  What could be more clever than that?

Jeremy: The one with the diamond encrusted tusks that was imported from the tribal regions of India?

Oprah: Yes, that was the one.  

Mary: Well, I loved that one.

Jeremy: That's because YOU WERE THE ONE THAT WENT HOME WITH THE BLASTED THING!

Sandra: And two years ago, you brought an HDTV Refrigerator.  Remember?

Oprah: What?  What?! It was left over from the '07 "Favorite Things" show.  I thought it was a hoot.  I mean, a leftover.  

Sandra: Yeah, but I brought a spatula.  A spatula.  How do you think that made me feel?

Oprah: That's why it's called a "White Elephant".  You never know what you are going to get.  

I think we should just get started.  Does everyone have their stuff wrapped and in the middle of the circle?

[groan from the group] 

Oprah: Okay, it's a Christmas tradition that I select the order.  Sandy, you get to go first this year.  Jeremy, you get second choice. Now, pick something out of the middle Sandy.

Sandy: Okay.  Hmmm.   Tough choice this year.  I think I will choose the large, car-shaped thing wrapped in gold-lined wrapping paper.

Jeremy: OH CRAP!  THAT IS WHAT I WAS GOING TO PICK!

[Sandy unwraps the gift]

Sandy: A BRAND NEW HYUNDAI SANTA FE?!  THANK YOU OPRAH!  THANK YOU!

Oprah: Ha ha!  Do you get it?  It's a Hyundai!  Ha ha!  I mean, who drives a Hyundai?  And get this... it doesn't even have a GPS!  Ha ha!  A Hyundai of all things.  Me and Gail were laughing about that one for days.

Sandy: [nervously] He he.  Yeah, I mean... funny, I guess.  Good one Oprah.  Funny.  Now if you will excuse me for just a minute, I have to go make a phone call.  

Oprah: Okay Rick, you're up.

Rick: [grumbling] Crap. I guess I will take this rectangular one.

[Rick unwraps the gift]

Rick: A signed picture of Oprah?  Now this sucks!

Oprah: Well, if you don't want it, I'll take it!

1st Grade Christmas Program VIDEO #6 - Grand Finale - Snowman Medley

This was our final number for the program and it brought the house down.  This song is a medley of popular music all about snowmen.  (For those in Utah, it is inspired by the song Once There Was A Snowman.  For those outside of Utah, you will still like the video)

I'd love to claim credit for the words for this music, but the words were done by a Utah group called "Inside Out".   You can find their stuff here.

I promise, you will not regret watching this video.  This was the last song and the parents gave the kids a long standing ovation.  I have no idea how we will top this next year.

NOTE: THIS IS THE FINAL VIDEO IN A SERIES OF 6 VIDEOS.  IF YOU HAVE NOT YET WATCHED THE OTHERS, YOU CAN FIND THEM BELOW.

And now I give you... The Once There Was a Snowman Medley

1st Grade Christmas Program VIDEO #5 - Grandma Got Ran Over By A Reindeer (With a surprise Grandma)

We actually performed this song before the others I posted, but I forgot about it.

Now, I must admit, I kinda, no I REALLY hate this song.  But the kids love it and the school sorta expects me to dress up as Grandma every year.

So if you are wondering who that Grandma is - waddling around like a moron - it is me.

Here is the best part of this video: I had no idea that my mike was NOT on and no one could hear me.  At the 1:51 mark, I realize it, lift up my dress and turn on the wireless mike.  I then announce to the audience, "Ah, I figured out!  We Grandmas are not too tech savvy."

But why am I telling you?  It's all right here in the video.  Just watch.

NOTE: IF YOU HAVE NOT YET WATCHED THE OTHER FOUR VIDEOS FROM THIS PROGRAM, THEY ARE BELOW.  IT WOULD BE AWESOME IF YOU CHECKED THEM OUT.  I DOUBT YOU WILL REGRET IT.

1st Grade Christmas Program VIDEO #4 - Must Be Santa RAP!

Immediately following my best (or worst) Bruce Springsteen impersonation, I grabbed a clock and a hat and became "Abey Flave" for this rap with the kids.

The best part of this song for me was seeing the other first grade teachers dress up as rappers, dance and chest bump each other.  You can see them on the very left hand side.  Too funny.

And while I am mentioning the other teachers, just let me say that this program was a success because of them as much as it was because of me.  They are awesome.  I work with some really cool ladies.  Clearly, they were willing to dress up as rappers and chest bump each other.

NOTE: IF YOU HAVE NOT YET SEEN THE OTHER VIDEOS FROM THIS PROGRAM, THEY ARE BELOW.  TRUST ME, YOU WILL BE GLAD YOU WATCH THEM.

And now, without further ado, I give you the first graders and Abey Flave doing the Must Be Santa Rap.

1st Grade Christmas Program VIDEO #3 - Bruce Springsteen's version of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town"

Well, at this point of the program, we had totally blown the parent's minds and they started to realize that this was not going to be your "normal" first grade program.

I sing this song with the first graders every year.  However, this year it turned out the best because I turned the mike on unsuspecting kids and they helped me sing all the way through.  There were many, many moments of hilarity.

This song also features the dancing of two giggly 6th grade students that were running our projector for us. It just added to the controlled chaos and hilarity.  They make their appearance in the middle of the song.

So here I am, Cheeseboy, singing WITH the first graders.  Be sure to hang on to the end.  That last kid's note is a doozy!

ALSO: If you have not yet watched the other two videos I have put up from this unique program, they are right below this one.  I implore you to watch them!

1st Grade Christmas Program VIDEO #2 - Christmas Day! (Remake of Weezer's "Beverly Hills")

I rewrote the words to Weezer's "Beverly Hills" for this little ditty.  The kids really enjoyed belting out the lyrics. I think the parents may have enjoyed it a little more.

A couple notes about this song: My wife was in the back so there are a couple things she could not capture on camera.

1.) There is a group of four adorable girls in front of the stage on the right hand side, gathered around a microphone.  They are singing the "gimme, gimme" part that you can hear.
2.) On the left hand side of the stage, there are four boys playing amazing air guitars.

Half way through the song, you will enjoy some extreme air guitars by the entire first grade.

**ALSO: Be sure to check out the first number we performed - "Elves Just Wanna Have Fun" below if you have not yet seen it yet.

So, I give you, "Christmas Day, That's Where I Want To Be!"  Enjoy! (More to come.)

1st Grade Christmas Program VIDEO 1 (Of many to come!)

Now, I know what you're thinking.  Why would I want to see video of your lame old Christmas program, Cheeseboy?  I mean, how many times do I have to watch six-year-olds sing Santa Claus is Coming to Town while standing stone-faced and sad?

Well, well, well.  You have never seen one of OUR Christmas programs.  This is not your normal, boring Christmas program.

So, I've decided to post one video per day.  I shall do this for two reasons 1) I had my wife film it in high def which takes FOREVER to upload to Youtube.  2) I want to stretch this thing out as long as I can and keep my audience begging for more.

Today, for our first installment, I give you "Elves Just Wanna Have Fun".  I rewrote the words to "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" to fit our theme.  My wife was filming from the middle of the auditorium and so it is she couldn't film the dancing stars that came forward in the middle of the song.  Hope you enjoy!

(PS: The audience ate this one up.  There was a huge roar when they finished.)

Want to know what to get a teacher for Christmas? I've got just the thing! (And Song Of the Day)

There are two, count them TWO men bloggers in Utah that happen to be elementary school teachers.  It's a good thing we have met and have become friends, because if we became mortal enemies, they might have to close down the public school system.

Anyway, my good friend, Mr. Z posted today about giving your kid's teachers gifts.  A little "do's and don'ts", if you will.  It is the perfect guide. He's entitled it, "So Just What do You Give That Teacher for Christmas?"  And this brilliant post is definitely worth a read because I agree with every... single... point.  YOU CAN FIND IT HERE.

Or here...



I really need a button.

In other news, today's Song of the Day is from Coldplay.  They just released their first Christmas tune and I have to say, I quite enjoy it.  So much so that I actually forked out the $1.29 to buy it on iTunes.  (Actually, I used a gift card, but still!) Here's Coldplay's Christmas Lights.  (I apologize for the crummy commercial.)

If people find me boring at parties, just wait until they hear this story!

Occasionally, I will be at a party or social gathering and I will have a desperate need to share something so I feel like I am being a productive member of the party.  When I am very desperate, I will usually share the following very dull story: 

Yeah, there was this one time, I was standing in line at Disneyland for that Peter Pan ride with my son.  You know, the one that always has that really long line?  Well, there I was standing in line, minding my own business - because that's what I do when I am in line. Anyway, I was with my boys and we get all the way up to the front of the line and the Disney Worker  - AKA: "Cast Member" - says to me, "Hey, do you know who that lady was that was standing right in front of you?"


I say, "No."


And the Disney worker was like, "THAT WAS TERI HATCHER!"


And I was like, "NO FREAKING WAY!"  


And he was all, "Yep.  I promise."  


And then I got on the ride and the entire time I was like, "HOLY COW!"


And then I thought, "I can't believe she had to wait in line just like everyone else!"

So the above story is 100% true, but it is the end of the story and when I tell it, I will usually wait for the reaction of the person I am telling it to.   Most of the time they are ambiguous and  I say that because I THINK ambiguous means "pretending to be interested." I then generally feel the need to make this story a little better so I don't sound like a total turdwad.

So remember when I said that I didn't even know that Teri Hatcher was right in front of me?  Well, I didn't know it was Teri Hatcher because she was wearing one of those English looking cap things.  You know those caps that have like the really small brim and are made of flannel?


Well, when we were in line, this woman that turned out to be Teri Hatcher kept asking about my camera.  At the time I had a Flip video camera and they had just barely hit the market.


I told her that it was a Flip camera and they were only like $100 bucks!  


And she was all, "Wow, that's a really good deal!"


And I was like, "Yeah, I know.  My dad gave me mine."


And before I know it, she is getting on the ride and that Cast Member dude tells me, "DID YOU KNOW THAT WAS TERI HATCHER?"  


And I was all, "GET OUT OF HERE! NO WAY!"


Now at this point, the person I am telling this story to is usually really starting to squirm.  Sometimes they say they need to go to the bathroom or get another drink of punch so that eventually they can go to the bathroom.  So, now I really feel the pressure to really fix this story into something they will tell their friends about!

Well, remember how I said she was asking about my camera?  So I get home and a couple weeks later I was surfing the internet; and by that I mean - looking at pictures of Teri Hatcher.  


Get this - I see this picture on People.com of Teri Hatcher at the beach.  And her kids are running down the beach and what does she have in her hand?  


That's right... A Flip camera!  


I was all, "NO WAY!  GET OUT OF HERE!"


I was blown away.  I mean, she totally got one after I told her how I liked mine.    


I was like, "I WONDER IF THEY ARE SELLING MORE FLIP CAMERAS BECAUSE OF HER?"


And then I was all, "I WONDER IF THEY ARE SELLING MORE FLIP CAMERAS BECAUSE OF ME?!"  


And then my wife came in and was all, "Who are you talking to?"


And I quickly closed my laptop and I was like, "Nobody.  I was just thinking about buying another Flip camera."  


And she was like all, "Why do we need two?"


And I was all, "I bet Teri Hatcher has like six!"


And she was like, "Who the heck is Teri Hatcher?"


And then the person that I am telling this story to is like, "Wow, that is really something!"  And I just nod and say, "Yes, I know."

Cheeseboy's Top 20 Songs of 2010

Well, it's that time again.  Time for Cheeseboy's top 20 songs of 2010.  Now, if you are not a fan if indie or alternative music, you probably ought to just move along, but be sure to come back for my next blog post.  It is sure to be full of jolly fun and hilarity.

Anyway, before we get started with the countdown, allow me to put on my Carson Dally mask and change into my Casey Kasum voice.  Let's take a look back at the previous years top.

2008: 
1. The Story Of The Grandson Of Jesus - The Cloud Cult
2. Impossible - Shout Out Louds
1. Glass Of Water - Coldplay

2009: 
3. Sick Muse - Metric
2. Little Secrets - Passion Pit
1. We Are The People - Empire Of The Sun

And now, the countdown for 2010...

2010:
20. Good For Great - Matt & Kim   (From Sidewalks)
19. Harmonix - Surfer Blood   (From Astro Coast)
18. Stylo - Gorillaz: featuring Bobby Womack and Mos Def   (From Plastic Beach)
17. Breakneck Speed - Tokyo Police Club   (From Champ)
16. My Time - Minus The Bear   (From Omni)
15. The Charm - Maps & Atlases   (From Perch Patchwork)
14. Unbearable Why - Dr. Dog   (From Shame, Shame)
13. Permalight - Rogue Wave   (From Permalight)
12. Salt In The Wound - Delta Spirit   (From History From Below)
11. I Want The World To Stop - Belle & Sebastian (From Write About Love)
10. Ruling Me - Weezer   (From Hurley)
9. Moves - The New Pornographers   (From Together)
8. Crossfire - Brandon Flowers   (From Flamingo)
7. The High Road - Broken Bells   (From Broken Bells)
6. This Too Shall Pass - OK Go   (From Of The Blue Coulor Of The Sky)
5. On My Way Back Home - Band Of Horses   (From Infinite Arms)
4. Bloodbuzz Ohio - The National   (From High Violet)
3. Walls - Shout Out Louds   (From Work)
2. The Long Way Home (Tom Wait Cover)  - Mates Of State (From Crushes)

And the #1 song of the year was released way back in January.  It comes to us from one of my very favorite bands, Vampire Weekend.   From their second album Contra, here is Cheeseboy's very favorite song of 2010: White Sky

Saturday Graph: My belly after I have gone to the Olive Garden

Cheeseboy's 2010 Christmas List

CHEESEBOY'S 2010 CHRISTMAS LIST

1. A tractor.  There's this country singer, I forget his name. Randy Stetson maybe?  But I think my wife really likes him.  Anyway, he sings this song -"She Thinks my Tractor's Sexy" - that I occasionally hear her listening to.  I'd like it if when she heard that song, she was thinking about me and not this Randy Stetson fella.

Sure, a tractor may take up two-thirds of our backyard, but it will totally be worth it when she comes home to see me sitting on it, sweaty and wearing a white tank top, "muscles" rippling in the wind.  Yeah, I think I want a tractor.

2. A rubber mallet.  When working with various materials, I like to use a hammering device that matches my personality. I see myself as "gentle, but firm with the ability to rebound."  When I use a metal mallet (or a wooden mallet), my personality doesn't shine like it does when a rubber mallet is held firm my hand.

Also, I do not have a rubber mallet.

3. A hedgehog. If I had a hedgehog - a friendly, well trained hedgehog that would ride on my shoulder - there is no way that anyone is going to mess with me.  Let's just say I was walking down the street and someone was thinking about mugging me.  I guarantee they are going to think twice about mugging me when they see a hedgehog on my shoulder.  I mean, think about it.  If you were looking for someone to mug and you see two guys walking down the street and one of them is wearing khakis and the other one has a friggen hedgehog riding on his shoulder, you are going to mug the guy wearing the khakis.

I think if I owned a hedgehog, I would really mess with the muggers and I would make tiny khakis and put them on my hedgehog!  Now that mugger really has to think twice!  "Hm, who should I mug?  The man wearing khakis or the man with the hedgehog on his shoulder that is wearing the khakis?  Clearly both these men have the class and potential to be carrying a large sum of money.  I am clearly stumped here."

4. A flying beret.  No, not a beret that flies. (Although that would be awesome.)  Rather, a beret to wear when I am taking an airplane.  Berets are the perfect headwear for flight travel.  In fact, I am surprised that some airlines do not provide paper berets for men to enjoy.  They could be perfectly tucked behind the barf bags, away from the In Flight magazines that have the advertisements for the nose hair trimmers and pretend rocks that hide keys.

Note: Paper berets provided in the seats of airline seats (behind the barf bag), is a trademarked Cheeseboy idea. Any trademark infringements will be prosecuted to the full extent of international law.




5. Squirrel Feet Earrings.

An Interview with the Wife of Cheeseboy (If she would actually do an interview with me.)

The following is an interview with my wife.  Not a real interview - of course, she would never agree to an interview for this blog.  Rather, it is my interpretation of exactly how the interview would go if she were to agree to such a thing.  


In case you were wondering, this post is actually an attempt to get my wife to laugh out loud at a blog post, which is such a rare occasion that when it does happen, it kinda makes my day.  Anyway, off to the interview...

Cheeseboy: I am so happy that you agreed to do this.  Never in a million years would I think that you would agree to do this.

Beloved Wife: Yeah, well technically I didn't agree to this at all.  Technically, you are just making up every  thing I am saying right now.

Cheeseboy: Yes, well should we start with the questions then?

Beloved Wife: Sure.

CB: Okay, question number one - the question all my readers have been dying to know:  What's it like being married to such a funny and awesome guy?

BW: Ha ha. You're such a dork.

CB: That may be true.  But that wasn't the question.  The question was what's it like to be married to such a funny and handsome man?

BW: I don't know.  You're a dork.

CB: Alright, next question.  What is your favorite Cheeseboy post of all time?

BW:  I don't know.

CB: Come on. There has to be one that stands out.  Just one?

BW:  I don't know.  I really don't.

CB:  Nothing comes to mind?

BW: I don't know.

CB:  Alright, that wraps up the first (and likely only) ever interview with Cheeseboy's wife.  Thank you, beloved wife for your time.

A video Christmas card from Cheeseboy and his sons. WARNING: You are going to need the tissues.

Please excuse the quality of the video, but do not excuse the awesomeness of my singing.

FYI: I HATE this song and make fun of it constantly, so it is okay to say as much in the comments.  

If a soccer mom took over for Santa...

Most modest female Santa on the web.

The following is an excerpt from a speech by a She-Claus mom to the elves just before she embarks on her Christmas Eve night - delivering toys to the good girls and boys around the world. 

Attention Elves! [Echo: Elves... elves... elves]  I SAID, ATTENTION ELVES!

I am NOT going to ask you to be quiet AGAIN!  Do you understand?

First things first: Do these flannel pants with white cotton cuffs and added padding in the buttocks make my butt look big?

Nevermind, nevermind. Don't answer that.  Now, let's get down to business.

Elves, as you can see, I am not the usual, jolly Claus you are used to seeing this fateful night.   Your beloved Santa's in the back of my Dodge Caravan*.  I've got him tied up back there using some bungee cords I got in the Target dollar bins last week.  He better not have those big boots on the back of my seat. 

Don't even try and save him.  I've got the child locks on and they work for elves too.

I've decided to take over his route.  I was talking about it with the girls in spin class and we thought it was a good idea.  I mean, he's always trudging up our kitchens and using our bathrooms in the middle of the night.  I swear, Christmas morning, it smells like reindeer carcass in there.

Now, I'm going to need some help from a couple of you because I am not sure how I am going to get down some of those chimneys.  I've been watching my points real close this past month, but do you realize how many gumdrops are in this place?  Those blasted things are like 3 points EACH! 

While I'm gone, I'd appreciate it if you all would throw your dirty socks in the hamper.  You all know how elf socks can get; after two days, they are as rancid as a reindeer carcass**.  It's not that hard, elves.  The hamper is right in the corner.  You just walk them over and place them in. The hamper is the square thing in the corner of your bedrooms. It's not that complicated.

If you need anything, you can call me on my cell phone.  And if anything, and I mean ANYTHING crazy happens, be sure and take a picture of it so I can BLOG about it tomorrow!

I'll be back by 3:00 AM.  That's usually when I hit the gym anyway.  I'll definitely need hit that elliptical machine after all those cookies and two percent milk I plan on downing!  I don't even want to think about the points I'll be racking up tonight.

Lastly, dear elves, I would like you to understand that it is not polite to refer to a woman's tummy as a "bowl full of jelly."  Maybe that was okay with your last boss, but you have to understand what babies do to a woman's body.  I know you think you are paying me a compliment, but it hurts.  I mean, it really stings.

The time has come.  You call me if anything comes up.ON DASHER AND DANCER AND SWEETIE AND HUNNY .  ON COMET AND CUPID AND SWEET-CHEEKS AND BABE! 

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

Post script: After I finished this post, I realized this has the makings of a very, very bad Disney movie staring Jamie Lee Curtis.

Post script 2: Just an FYI - You might want to think twice when looking up google images for "Woman in Santa Suit". 

*The "Dodge Caravan" is a vehicle used by moms worldwide.  It is well known for it's mechanical failures and it's lameness. 

** I know I used the metaphor "reindeer carcass" twice, but that is because I picture a whole lot of reindeer carcasses sitting around the North Pole.