Sunday, November 30, 2008

My trophy case is full of awards I have received from various Turkey Bowls throughout the years.

I still felt slightly ill on Thursday, so I missed our ward's annual Turkey Bowl.  It is the first such bowl I have missed since we moved here and it sounds like I was sorely missed.  At least -none- persons told me today that the team could just not move the ball without my tight spirals in the short game and my finesse on the long balls.  

Last year I was the most effective quarterback in the nation, throwing for two touchdowns and no interceptions.  I was highly efficient in the red zone as well, as I scored in 90% of my tries, not including field goals, as we did not have field goal posts.  

Last year, I was named Most Valuable Player award, given to the player that is considered to be the least crappy.  Had I not just made the award up, I surely would have won it due to my ability to get the "Special Teams" involved; and by special, I mean the guy with Down Syndrome and the various, uncoordinated 11 year old boys scattered throughout the field.  I have actually received the award longest punt, which would be true, except for the fact that I just made that up as well.

Why is it that an 11 year old can stand uncovered for nearly 45 minutes of game play and when you finally hit him in the gut with a super-sharp, spiral pass and he drops it because it "knocked the wind out of him", he "doesn't want to play anymore"?  Watching him fold over and fall to the ground in attempt to catch his breath is just another disheartening sign of the softness of today's generation.  Perhaps they just want to go home and play Madden 08 on the XBox?  Just one of the many downfalls of the Turkey Bowl.

Now, I would certainly say that we have one of the least athletic wards you have ever seen, myself included.  That is the great thing about playing yourselves - you never lose.  If we ever had to play a neighboring ward, I would put the Hillcrest Ward line as a 35 point underdog - unless, of course, we were allowed to "recruit".  

The Turkey Bowl has evolved through the years:  Thanks to global warming, the coats that were once used to mark the out of bounds lines have been replaced with sweatshirts.  I am just waiting for the year that it is warm enough that we can go shirts and skins.  I would not be reluctant to show off my Chewbacca laced body in order to distract the opposing team.  Perhaps they would mistake me for the mascot or perhaps they would just think I had a fur coat on?  Either way, next year I am taking off my shirt, even if we are not playing shirts and skins.  I need to check with Al Gore on the climate change projections for the next few years.

Some things have changed throughout the history of the Turkey Bowl: The 11 year old, uncoordinated boys remain, but now they are 15 and slightly coordinated. However, many of the 30 year old, uncoordinated white guys have changed.  What remains constant is a good cup of hot chocolate, a chocolate-chocolate doughnut and a fine ol' time.  Oh, and waking up the next morning with a stiff neck and the sorest butt cheeks of your life.  

Next year I am aiming for either the "Most Improved Player" award or the "Nicest Tight End".  I'll just have Cathi do the voting.  Or perhaps, "Most Corny Halftime Dance Routine".  (See below)  Imagine that dance, only shirtless!  (Or don't.  I know I probably wouldn't want to if I were you.) It's sure to take home the blue ribbon, if we were to give out ribbons for fake halftime shows.

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