I am the Karaoke Overlord, but I am need of a little help.

For as long as I can remember, I have held the ancient oriental art of karaoke close to my heart. Well, perhaps not as long as I can remember, but ever since 1994. (I have some memories of before that year, but they are fading and fleeting.) It was in that year that my friend Steve and I stood on a stage in the 49th Street Galleria in front of our entire graduating class and belted out every word of the eleven minute long, ever immortal “Stairway of Heaven.” The DJ forced us to cut it short when we started swinging the microphone stands around at about minute 8. I have never shied away from a karaoke mike since.

Allow me to indulge you with a brief rundown of my karaoke escapades:

I won first place in a karaoke contest on a cruise to the Mexican Riviera. Actually, I am not sure if I actually won. I remember singing Copacabana and a couple of Neil Diamond songs and being presented with a plastic cruise ship trophy. The details of the performance have really been swept away in the mists and pleasantries of my mind. My memory of this event is like a neon light on a foggy dance floor; it shins brightly in my mind but the details are sketchy like unanswered questions. Perhaps a family member that was in attendance can verify if I in fact won a contest for my ridicules rigmarole? And if I did not win, what exactly was it that I obtained a plastic trophy for?

Alright, I am really done indulging you now. I realize there wasn't much to that jovial trip down memory lane, I just wanted to make it perfectly clear that I am THE karaoke overlord and that I have a plastic cruise ship trophy that proves it.

Since the time of my gut-wrenching, tear-dripping performance on the lido deck that day, I have captured the fancy of many a eager karaoke spectator. I have performed my magic at many gatherings and plan to do so again in the near future.

As I type these words, I know I need to take things to the next level. (As far as my karaokeing goes. I am in no way ready to go out of my comfort zone in any other area of my life. I take that back, I may actually take my couch sitting to the next level during the Christmas break, but I will worry about that when the time comes.) By next level, I mean I need to up the ante. I have a large gathering coming up known as the “Faculty Christmas Party” in which I have several ideas that I am currently working on. However, in order to fully pull off my plan, I will need the following items:

1. A bedazzled vest.
2. 8 colorful bandanas
3. 32 ounces of hairspray
4. 3 bottled waters
5. An electric guitar
6. A miniature trampoline.
7. A small stage (large enough for me to stand on) made of legos, perferrably just yellow and red legos.
8. Lip balm (sparkly)
9. A woman’s pant suit.
10. Corn syrup.

If you have any of these items, please donate them to the cause, which means just give them to me. There has also been a trust fund set up at any Zions Bank branch.

I will do my best to tape the performance and post it on the Blog O’ Cheese, but there is just no way I can do it without these items, or at least a monetary donation for these items. Which reminds me, does anyone know how to set up a trust fund at a bank?