Friday, November 14, 2008

The Cease to Exist Order for this, the fourteenth day of November, 2008.

Items that are currently on my cease to exist order.  You have 30 days to comply.  You have been warned.

1. Yo-yo gas prices.  Are they high?  Are they low?  Do I need to buy a Prius or a Hummer? I thought we were running out of gas?  If that is true, shouldn't it's value be going up right now. I am not complaining, I just want to know what the deal is.  

2.  Television advertisements for erectile disfunction medications.  Look, I don't need to hear about the problems associated to having a 4 hour long erection while vegging in front of the TV at midnight - with milk pouring down my chin, as I eat a hearty bowl of Lucky Charms.

3.  Rotating tires.  Why do I have to always worry about rotating my tires?  Can't they invent self rotating tires.  If they can make a self cleaning oven, they can invent a self rotating tire.  And don't tires rotate themselves anyway?  Isn't that kinda their job?

4. The odor that creeps into my car every time I drive I-15 north into Davis County.  It is an awful stench right on the border of Salt Lake and Davis County.  Anyone know what the heck that is?

5. The folks that sit on the table when teaching an Elders Quorum lesson to prove they are relaxed, cool and casual.  What this tells me is, "I spent 20 minutes preparing the lesson this morning and I want to look relaxed enough to hide it." I know this happens in every ward. Oh, and the next time I teach Elder's Quorum, I am putting doilies and frilly cloths on the table.  I noticed the women in Relief Society do this to "set the mood."

5. People that volunteer to read from their "scriptures" in Sunday School.  Their "scriptures" being some sort of tiny, handheld electronic device.  They force us all to sit there like porched chums while they use that tiny, plastic pen to scroll to the next verse. I have a question for people with these - If you lose that piece of crap plastic pen, is your whole device broken for life?  Does it come with a "backup" plastic pen, just in case?  If the pen does break, does that then excuse you from your scripture reading until a new, plastic pen can be obtained?  The next time I am called on to read in Sunday School, I am going to say, "I can't... lost my tiny black pen thing."  Of course, I will be holding my real scriptures on my lap.  (Sorry Brent.  I didn't mean you.  In fact, I think your electronic device is larger than the ones I am referring to.)  However, I do wish the church would come out with a set of scriptures with a built in solitaire game.

6. Spending more time searching for a video at Blockbuster than you do actually watching the video.  Fortunately, we don't spend much time at Blockbuster anymore, but I recall the days when we would stand and stare at the wall of new releases for what seemed like hours looking for the perfect film.  Alas, the perfect film always ended up being something like "Little Nicky" or "Surviving Christmas". 

7. Christmas music on the radio that started at the beginning of November.  (Sorry Lori, but it's true.)  Christmas music should not be allowed to begin until the day after Thanksgiving; and yes, I know there is a station that has Christmas music every day of the year.  Santa needs to have this station shut down immediately.

8. Bluetooth devices.  Anyone that wears one is a 100%, grade A - moron.  (If you are wearing one now, why in the world do you need to talk on the phone while you read my blog?  And if you do in fact have that need, then why do you need to do it "hands free"?  Are you too lazy to hold a phone to your head?)  Several times I have thought people were talking to me in public when they were really talking to their cell buddies, and then I am the one that looks foolish when I answer their questions.  I find myself APOLOGIZING TO THEM! "Oh, excuse me... I apologize.  I thought you were talking to me."  Why am I the one apologizing?  They are the ones that are the dimwitted twits that have to do all of their communicating over a 2 inch mouth doohickey.

9. Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch.  Oh wait, this one has already ceased to exist.

9. Stupid lists of things people hate.

10. Joe the Plumber.  


Tammy said...

Obviously you know I don't go to church so is it true that people now bring electronic devices as their scriptures? Or are you being funny? I did just see that Oprah where she had her favorite new find . . . the Kendle (or however you spell it).
And I do really wish they would make self-rotating tires!!!!!! Along with a self cleaning and re-filling oil filter :)

Cheeseboy said...

Yep Tammy, they sure do.

CaraDee said...

#4- Isn't it the refineries??

#7- I like it. It's like the only happy music there is on earth. And I only get to hear it for 2 months.

#8- Amen. I hate it when I respond to someone TWICE in the grocery line, because it truly sounded the 2nd time like they WERE talking to me.