Saturday, August 9, 2008


There is some TV that is so humdrumingly dry, so mind-boggingly uninteresting, so colorlessly blah that I refuse to watch it.  Nevertheless to my surprise, there are not only people that watch these tiresome programs, but they talk about them the next day.  Even more surprising is that there are a lot of these folks.  Why? Why? Why?

Here are a list of television events I absolutely refuse to watch:

1. A parade of any kind.  Look, unless it's my Utes marching down Main Street after they have just won the national championship, I don't want to watch your parade on television.  I don't care if you have floats made of flowers or a giant floating Woody Woodpecker or Pamela Anderson balloon. (A Pamela Anderson balloon would actually consist of three giant balloons.)  I also don't even care if your parade has a lip-syncing Justin Timberlake atop a float made of dollar bills.  Heck, I don't even care if your parade has a float with handcarts, the Draper City royalty girls and giant angel wings on the back!  I'm not watching.

What I would rather do than watch this program:  I would rather sit in my back yard and watch my neighbor smoke for two hours than watch a parade on TV.

2. A one or two hour result show.  What I am referring to here is any reality program that makes you sit through an hour of nonstop, in your face, total BS before finally giving you what takes two seconds to present: the name of the person that is leaving.  I refuse to watch these things.  What a colossal waste of time for everyone involved.  In the past, when I would watch these things, I would be tempted to book a flight to Los Angeles, buy a ticket to the show and sit in the front row with all the lame 14 year old girls.  When Ryan Seacrest would attempt to drag the show on and on, I would jump on stage, slap him on the face with the back side of my hand and then sucker punch him in the gut.  SEACREST OUT!  Fortunately, I simply decided to not watch them anymore rather than take these extreme measures.

What I would rather do than watch this hour of hell:  Brush Cathi's hair for a full hour while listening to Martina McBride.  Ugh.

3. The Opening Ceremonies.  I recall visiting the Monterey Bay Aquarium as a teenager once. We observed the various sea life in all it's own miraculous habitat.  What I found most intriguing during our visit were the silver minnows.  In the middle of the aquarium sat a mammoth sized tube containing thousands of these scaly bantam fish.  I remember sitting mesmerized for 15 minutes while I watched these spellbinding creatures circle the tube.  Which one was the leader?  How did they know they were circling in the right direction?  What did it all mean?

Well, I must say that athletes of different nations circling a running track is about 50% less interesting than watching minnows circle in a gigantic, plastic tube. Oh yes, and Matt Lauer's commentary about the athletes is captivating TV of the purest kind.  Must see TV is watching the one member of the Kosovo Olympic team holding a flag while Bob Costas informs us that he "will probably not medal in fencing but he is the father of 3 and owns a doughnut shop that he works at when he is not training."  Riveting.  

Sure, the pageantry and pompous spectacle of it all should be compelling... and it would be... if you were there!  It might just be me, but I prefer to watch my fireworks in person.  

What I would rather do than sit through 4 hours of a Chinese man announcing countries:  Attend a high school graduation in which I know no one there.

4. Any Nanny show.  Yelling, screaming, obnoxious kids; it's just too much.  These nanny shows are the epitome of the network executives agreeing that the American public would enjoy watching a show in which 4 women with long fingernails scratch a chalkboard.  Hey, there's an idea for a show!  What with shows like "Wipeout" and "America's Got Talent" winning the ratings battle, Americans are clearly suckers for dog feces style entertainment.  

What I would rather do than watching a strange woman reform drunken, bewildered 6 year olds that she has never met in a matter of days:  Visit the newly dedicated "Mormon Trek Museum", dedicated to the thousands and thousands of teenage kids that "sacrificed" a week of their summer to get sunburned and closer to God.

5. Any movie about Mormon Missionaries.  It seems to be a big fad on KJZZ right now to show some of the "Mormon Movies".  They probably get great ratings, but I just can't stomach them anymore.  The other day I actually saw a preview for an upcoming "Sister Missionary" movie.  I can't speak for every mission, but if they made a movie about most of our Sister Missionaries it would be remarkably dull.  What would the plot be?  Staying in your apartment until noon?  Complaining nearly nonstop to your leaders about the heat?  Pulling witless pranks on the Elders?  Stopping at the strip mall for a shopping break while tracting.  

**I realize that I have two sister-in-laws and one sister that I am sure were EXCELLENT missionaries.  In fact, I am sure my President would have traded ALL our Sisters for the 3 of them!  So, I am simply stating that this would be a very boring movie if they made it about the sisters in MY mission.

Things I would rather do than watch a Mormon movie rerun that was probably made by someone that has since been excommunicated or been in a beer commercial:  Pull the crabgrass out of my lawn - one blade at a time.


Esther said...

Did you see the poster for the new missionary movie "The Errand of Angels"? It looks riviting!

Cheeseboy said...

Yeah, I think that Errand of Angels one is the one I was talking about with the Sister Missionaries

Tammy said...

What about stupid game shows like "Let's Make A Deal"? I think that's what it's called. It's the one with the suitcase full of money but I could never sit through more than 5 minutes of the first episode.

Cheeseboy said...

Tammy, I think you are referring to the show Deal or No Deal. Pretty awful yes, but I can get through one episode in about 10 minutes with my DVR fast forward. I haven't watched it in a couple years though.

The worst one is the Smarter than a 5th grader show. There is about 20 minutes between every question! Weird, because Jeopardy can spit 12 questions out A MINUTE! It is so frustrating that I can't watch it.

Ike said...

I must say, the opening ceremonies were phenomenal! I'm talking BEFORE the parade of nations. Honestly, I'm not jerking your chain, did you watch it?

Cheeseboy said...

Ike, I saw the part where the guy runs along the side of a wall. That was cool. I might have watched more of the beginning, but Cathi was watching Property Ladder or some other girl show.

Tammy said...

You're right Abe!!! It is called Deal or No Deal. I knew it had something about Deal in it but it's still the worst show. And I agree about the 5th grade show. I would watch it if it picked up the pace.

sacdaddy said...

Abe, I just got back from a weeklong internet free vacation. Hence the lack of comments on classic posts like Boggle and Disclaimer.

However, I'm a bit surprised by your reference to Wipe Out. While on vacation I watched every episode to date (they had been recorded by a friend). The show is actually surprisingly funny. It is the commentators that make it so. Watching people bounce off the "Big Balls" is funny in itself, but hearing the commentators comment on the bar tender from Vegas as he took a punch to the junk say "How about a hard one on the rocks?" is funny. Have you watched a full episode yet? You should. They're great.

Of course, I've also always enjoyed dog feces, however.

Cheeseboy said...

Steve, it is funny that you say that because I have indeed watched every episode with Lincoln. He loves it! The big balls are cool - I would watch a full episode of people just doing that. So I guess that I just mentioned it to sound like I was too cool for it but the fact is I'm a geek.