Tuesday, August 19, 2008

My letter to Tyra Banks

Letter sent today at 10:30 PM.

Dear Tyra,

Let me first just admit that the internet is not ruining my love life. I clicked on that link on your site because I could not find another way of contacting you.  You may want to add a link on your site called, "Awesome guys willing to share their awesomeness with the world."  I would have certainly clicked on that link. If getting on your show means admitting that the internet is ruining your life, than let me just tell you that a pop-up add once murdered my Great Aunt.

My cherished Tyra, your show is a theatrical mishmash of ravishing trumpery and haughty demigodness.  Your dialog is impeccable and your screen presence has reached mythically groundless proportions.  During your show, you have helped an enormous amount of people find comfort by "embracing your B.F.A." (Big Fat Ass) and providing a guide for "gossip girls".  You are a truly a gift.  It is because of you that I have finally been able to embrace my BFA.  

Tyra, I have tried to contact two of your competitors, Dr. Phil and Oprah, to no avail.  My original hope was to have my first book in the prestigious Oprah book club.  I am not sure if it is the fact that the book has not yet been written or that I referred to her as a bit portly, but much to my dismay, my email went unanswered.  I have lost all respect for her BFA.   

Dr. Phil ignored my pleas as well.  I am not sure what his deal was; maybe he had a rough day consoling the rich and famous? His BFA is dead to me!  

Thus, my voice cries out in hope to you Tyra.  Please be inspired by my words of wonder and questioning.  If you currently lack inspiration, when you read these words, imagine that Morgan Freeman is reading them to you.  I find that everything is more inspirational when read in your brain in the imaginary voice of Mr. Freeman.

I realize that you currently do not have a book club on your little show.  However, what better way to denounce your reputation as a cumbersome, ditsy, person; completely hollow and without soul - excuse of a talk show host?  What better way to earn some respect to the silly circus you've got going on there?  I have even thought of a name for the book club on your show: "The Book Banks".  

If you are not willing to place my book in your yet to be established book club, perhaps you can just have one of your models mention how good it is on "America's Next Disgustingly Skinny Model"?  Perhaps you could show a clip of one of them reading it while sipping on a vat of carrot juice?   I have already dropped the chapter on Dr. Phil and I am willing to replace it with a detailed look at the depths of Tyra Bank's heart.  I realize a single chapter might be a lot to ask for, but with a few lies and a lot of effort, I could make you look like Mother Theresa.  Well, maybe not Mother Theresa, but I could make you look at least as good as someone semi- famous like that hussy on that MTV New York show.

I look forward to an invitation to your little hippodrome of a television series to discuss my book.  You may contact me at any time.  I eagerly await a call from your people.


Abe and his BFA.


The Yospe's said...

Abe, in regards to your pole question, Ike Jake and I did this contest recently at Jake's apartment complex pool, and I won. So, me and you just need to see who's the ultimate champion. All my trombone playing days have provided a rich, luscious set of lungs, so beware.

The Yospe's said...

ps. you've been watching too much daytime television