Wednesday, August 20, 2008

The Chinese aren't just cheating in gymnastics.

As you know by now, I am not a huge Olympic guy.  These Olympics have been made even worse for me by those lying, cheating, medal hungry Chinese.  How dare they have the gall to throw out a bunch of 12 year old girls onto the balance beam and tell them to have the poise and confidence of a mature adult?  It disgusts me and if it doesn't disgust you,  you need to take a hard look in the mirror and ask yourself, "Where do I take my shallow, unfulfilling life from here?"  

Even the appearance of impropriety by the host countries "woman's" gymnastic team has me second guessing their success in every event now.  I have come up with a dozen or so (depending on how many I really come up with in a few minutes) potential cheating violations that the Chinese might be covering up in order to secure the medal count.  I am sending this list to the IOC for their further investigation.  If found guilty of any or all of these violations, I expect a full written apology to the United States of America, written by the little girl that lip-synced the Olympic anthem.  I also expect them to forfeit all medals, throw them in a gigantic heap, melt them down and remold them into one ten foot high medal which they will give to America to be hung around the Statue of Liberty's neck.  The inscription on the medal should read. "In our shame and humility, we present to Lady Liberty her rightful medals for which she is legally and lawfully worthy of as we have cheated our way through our own Olympics."  Anyway, a list of possible swindles by the Chinese:

1.  In the summer of 06, Yao Ming received unauthorized finger extensions.  Unfortunately, it did not help him beat the US, or become a better ballplayer at all.  His fingers, however, did cause quite an uproar at the Ming family reunion arm wresting championships/kite flying events.

2.  The Chinese are known to cork their ping-pong paddles. 

3. The Chinese equestrian horses are clearly on steroids.

4. In beach volleyball, the opponent's sand has been replaced with kitty litter.

5. Rowing is a lot easier and less intimidating if your paddles have not secretly had a Hello Kitty painted on the end.

6.  In Judo, the Chinese team advocates the "sweep the leg" technique and boisterously screams "Put him in a body bag Johnny!"   

7. Speaking of inappropriate comments, during fencing the Chinese are known to taunt the Americans by chanting, "Hello.  My name is Inigo Montoya.  You killed my father.  Prepare to die."  Ruthless tactics.

8.  The Chinese women are always leaving the penalty box 3 seconds early in field hockey.

9. The chalk that weightlifters are using is secretly replaced with petroleum jelly.

10.  The Chinese women weightlifters have male genitalia.

11.  In archery, they replace the normal Chinese targets with pictures ones with a picture of George W. Bush.  

12.  The Chinese always do really well in windsurfing and sailing events because Beijing is just west of the ocean and Beijing sucks.


Tammy said...

Karate Kid, what a classic! or is it
Karate Kid . . . what a classic!

Lori said...

Good point Tam! I still go with the .... (Except now I'm in a predicament because how do I end a sentence that ends with ....?)

The Yospe's said...

Don't all women weightlifters have male genitalia?