Thursday, August 14, 2008

If you like Breaking Dawn, do not read this blog entry!

It seems that the blogger world has been overrun with Breaking Dawn junkies.  They have bonded together to form a Breaking Dawn blog chain across America.  Remember that Coke chain of love that stretched across America back in the 80's?  This is very similar, except that the chain is more metaphorical than real and instead of singing "I'd like to buy the world a Coke.", they are singing "I'd like to buy the world a Breaking Dawn."   And everyone in the chain is female.  Oh, and they are all drinking DIET Coke.

I have no idea what Breaking Dawn is about.  Every time I start reading someone's blog about it, I get very bored and push the "channel up" button on my blog remote.  I think it has something to do with romantic vampires that live good lives. Kind of like Interview With The Vampire, but much, much longer.  I am also very aware that the audience for these books isalmost 90% female.

Cathi has read these books.  However, she reads over 8,000 books a year so that is not a surprise.  She told me they were, "alright, but they are not my favorite."  Nevertheless, she did just pick up the newest one at the library today, in spite of being #58 of 300 on the reserve list.  Evidently, and I am not making this up, the library ordered over 60 copies.  And I thought vampires were so 1990's.

Even though I have very limited information on the plot of these books, it shall not keep me from venturing a guess.  In extremely limited terms, here is the probable plot, according the Cheeseboy.

1. Four women vampires move to New York City in hopes of meeting new friends, a career and a hunky vampire man with extra long fangs.  They also have a fat friend that they invite along because she is so jolly and has the perfect wisecrack for every situation.

2. One of the women writes an advice column for the local news rag.  While writing her weekly article she becomes much more self aware as a sexy vampire woman.   She realizes that she is incredibly shallow and needs companionship. She meets up with the four others to discuss her new self aware-ity at a local coffee shop.

3.  The women vampires drink a lot of cosmopolitans while giggling incessantly at each other's inadequacies in a crowded restaurant.  Here they huddle and spread rumors about vampires that don't live on the east side or drive minivans instead of SUV's.  They are protected by the United Order; a vampirish version of the Relief Society.

4. Evil vampires show up and cause a bloody mayhem, breaking the heels of the women's shoes and shaving their mink shawls with a Bic razor.  

5. A handsome vampire man,and an adoptive brother of one of the vampire women shows up to save the night.  The women are enamored with his physical brute strength and they all want to make out with him, except of course for his adoptive sister. He also shaves a V in his chest hair for Vampire.

6.  The love scene ensues.  Of course it is only sensual enough to tantalize the Mormon Mom blogger, but never gets too sexual.  It never gets sexual enough to offend women by it's graphic nature; for it is just a couple of deep tongue kisses.

7.  The other two women that were not chosen by rugged vampire man are incensed.  They move to have the traitor's name removed from the vampire record books.  The outcast must move into a trailer park reserved for impish dwarves.  The vampire woman is ashamed beyond reproach.  

8.  The new romance is a deeply connected one. More sloppy, hot-blooded kissing from the vampires, but nothing you wouldn't read with your Grandma.  It doesn't matter much anyway, because the fat vampire friend accidentally barges in and breaks up the sexual tension with her silly antics.

9. There are some jaw dropping moments.  Some of the vampires are really werewolves.  Some of the werewolves are really tigers.  Some of the tigers are trailer park dwelling dwarves.  There is also two versions of the handsome vampire God: a good one and an evil one. 

10. The women all become one again, swearing off vampire men forever.  They raise their blood filled glasses to a toast:  To the power of women vampires!  Forever we shall reign!  

11. Oh yeah, and "Mr. Big" shows up with two vampire holes in his neck, just in time to tease the next sequel.  

Roll the credits...

Now if you are a huge Twilight series fan and you find yourself furious at my spoilers, you did not follow my clearly stated advice in the title.  And also, what can I say?  I am a really good guesser when it comes to chick books about vampires.  I have been doing this sort of thing for years.  You can only blame yourself for this mess.


Ike said...

Abe, Twilight should be a lesson to you that you don't have to get on Oprah's book club to sell a shload of books.

emma said...

what happened to your baseball, pickle pants, paper bags entry? That was my favorite one so far. Maybe bacause you finally gave us credit long past due. However, Esther does NOT remember "not getting along with you"..

Cheeseboy said...

Mom, scroll down. My pickle pants entry is just lower now. Still there.

Hmm, maybe "not getting along" was just from my perspective. Since I matured I get along great with her now.

Lori said...

Abe...60 copies ordered by your library is NOTHING!!! The Salt Lake County system ordered over 600 copies! I don't read this series either...fantasy fiction is not my style. However, Brandon has read them....and wanted me to reserve a copy for him. We reserved the book while it was still "on order" at the library probably about 3 or 4 months ago...and at the time we were #1256 on the hold list. Ironically, I just my notice today that my copy is "in" at the library hold shelf. I better run and get it before someone else tries to steal it!

Cheeseboy said...

Lori, don't let Brandon read this post. I would feel bad because I made fun of it for being a girly book.

Tammy said...

Abe I can't read this post because I haven't read the book . . . yet . . . and I don't know if you're giving things away in it but I know you like comments so I thought I'd leave one anyway!

Cheeseboy said...

It's a good thing you didn't read my post Tammy because I really do give away almost every minute detail of the book. Stay as far away from this post as you can.

Lori said...

No big deal Abe...he already knows it's mostly girls reading it. Just a follow up on my library copy was funny, when I got to the library this afternoon to pick up my "hold" copy....they had to go back to the "secret room" to retrieve it for me. It's too dangerous to keep it out on the hold shelf with all of the other books.