Thursday, August 7, 2008

A potentially VERY offensive post!

Disclaimer:  I discussed this topic with Cathi before posting, and she was as supportive and reassuring as a Depend's Undergarment.  However, she warned me to handle it with kid's gloves.  Unfortunately, I am not sure what that means; I've never understood that expression.  Kid's gloves are generally mittens without finger slots. When I wear mittens, I feel like an awkward, clumsy nincompoop.  I tend to forget that my fingers are no longer useful and I become reduced to the dexterity of a hermit crab.  If I happen offend someone with this post, it is undoubtably due to my misinterpretation of what the phrase, "kid's gloves" means.  Please blame any atrociously offensive words I might spew forth on my inept vocabulary and my bungling misunderstanding of simile.  

Disclaimer #2 - No one that I am referring to in this post is an actual close acquaintance or relative of any kind.  I would hate to throw any one that actually reads my blog under the bus like that.  Unless of course, the bus was stopped and needed repair and a close acquaintance happened to be a bus repair man.  Of course, in a case like that I would not throw the acquaintance under the bus; I would kindly ask if they would mind assisting in it's repair.  I'm also not saying that the bus repair person could not be a woman as well.  I am sure that there are quite a few bus repair women that are better at their jobs than their male counterparts.

Disclaimer #3 - If you are a bus repair person and are in any way offended by my bus repair person rant above, please accept my most sincere apology.  Let's let bygones be bygones, unless being a bygone is a bad thing.  What are bygones anyway? Are they a mystical creature like a dwarf or an elf and if they are, are they more like a dwarf or an elf?  Because if I just called you a dwarf, that could be construed as a stinging slap in the face.  However, if they are more like an elf, that could be considered a compliment; for elves have wondrous qualities like their healing and masterful hearing.

Disclaimer #4 - This post is not intended to offend mitten wearing, Bygonian bus repair people.  If you fit into this category and you feel your temperature rising, there is no need to cry over spilled milk.  What is done is done.  Although, if you are wearing mittens all the time, I am sure that you spill a lot of milk. Especially if your milk is in a wide glass.  If you are a mitten wearing, Bygonian bus repair person and you spill a lot of milk because you have thick glasses in your home, you probably do cry a lot over your spilled milk.

Disclaimer #5 - I feel really bad now.  Here I have run my big mouth and reminded a very large portion of our society of their continuous spilled milk problem.  Being the problem solver that I am, may I suggest a nice sturdy mug?  I think that you will find the handle much easier to grip with your mittens on than a thick glass.  I might also suggest a wide bottom.  It will be much easier to work under busses with one while drinking milk at the same time.

Disclaimer #6 - I realize now that the above disclaimer could be misconstrued and misunderstood to mean that I actually suggest that bus repair people would be better off having a large butt.  While a large buttocks would provide extra padding for hours of working under busses, what I meant was that I suggest that the MUG have a wide bottom.  This would be to guard against accidental spills, of course.  If you are a large assed, mitten wearing,milk spilling, Bygonian bus repair person, please accept my most sincere apologies. 

Now, onto the actual post!

Holy crap!  What was I going to blog about today?  It must not have been too important.  I'll try and get to it on the morrow.  Check back then folks.


Lori said...

You had me sweating there with your start of a disclaimer....I didn't want fall into the catagory you were going to be "offending"! However, as far as I know, none of those things really apply to me. Phew!!!

I do, however, handle some of the repair work around here and sometimes, if it's been a long day, I cry over spilled milk. But, don't offense taken!

Lori said...

What...I went on vacation...came back...and I'm still the only one that commented on this post? What is up with that???

Cheeseboy said...

I know Lori! I thought it was pretty good. I am glad that at least one other person did.