I sent the following email to Oprah today at 10:45 AM -
My Dearest Beloved Oprah,
Please, before you toss this letter into the "crap I want no part of" file, at least give me the opportunity to clarify my plight.
I am, as most would call it, a blossoming, enchanting writer, just starting work on my first novel. I revel in the opportunity to speak to you concerning acceptance into your illustrious book club, for which I have a yearning to be a part of. Granted, I have not actually written anything of great consequence yet. However, I have what I believe is potential and potential alone should allow you to sequester choice placement of my writing in your 2010 book club.
I know what you are thinking (My hours upon hours of watching your magnificent show have allowed me the pleasure of reading your thoughts), "Who is this frenetic lunatic that just assumes that he deserves a place in my book club based on potential alone?" Good question Oprah. Good question indeed. I can now see that your questioning skills are beyond wondrous. You are a truly a gift from God. You are the Frankincense of the 21st century. If you are the Frankincense, I could be your myrrh. Give me this chance to be your myrrh Oprah! I would be such a sweet and fragrant myrrh, you would be forced to put me in your bookclub AND your "favorite things".
Oprah, I own and operate a very well received Daddy blog that receives upwards of 40 visitors a day! See what I mean by "potential"? Most blogs I know only receive 20-30 visitors per day. I am consistently surpassing those numbers by 30 - 40%. Perhaps you are not an avid reader of Utah blogs, but I urge you to take a look at: www.theblogocheese.blogspot.com.
Take a look at my entry on "shopping for women's pants". If the words engrossing, gripping and hilarious do not come to mind, I will simply close up shop and throw out any plans to jump on your couch in the near future.
However, if you do in fact enjoy that piece, please have your people contact my people (my wife) and we will set up a meeting at one of our fabulous estates. (Preferably yours as I would need to clean the train set my boys set up in our living room floor and that would be too time consuming.) During our meeting we can discuss my appearance fees and the luxury items I will need in your dressing room. (I must have Evian water poured from a carton. The glass bottle gives the water a brass, bitter taste that shocks my taste buds. Oh, and it is also a must that I have a jello mold with 23 Milk Duds inside. No more, no less. 23.)
While I have your attention, could you please answer the following questions for me:
A. Who is Stedman? I know there has to be pictures of him somewhere, but I have never seen one. Is he like Snuffalufagus on Sesame Street? We know he exists, but Bigbird is the only one that ever sees him. By the way, do you like Big Bird?
B. Why isn't Stedman a regular on your show? Dr. Phil has his wife on his show. She smiles and nods her approval at everything the big doc says. Never mind Stedman, why isn't Dr. Phil's wife ever on your show?
C. Why do you insist on having your own picture on every issue of O Magazine? It's not that you are not a stunning and glamorous woman, because let me just say - Va Va Va Voom! It just comes off a little narcissistic and egoistical. I don't place a picture of myself on every blog entry I write. (Not that I haven't thought about it.... many times over.)
D. Can I have a free car?
Well my sexy, ever so succulently plump Oprah, if you have read this far, you have read more than I ever expected. Nevertheless, my spirits are buoyant and my core is filled with hope. You may reach me at my blog (via comments... and yes, please make a few comments. I would be the envy of the blog-o-sphere had Oprah made a comment.) Or, if you wish, you may have your people contact my people. (Once again, my people are my wife and myself.)
Remember, as the great Ben Herbster once said, "The greatest value in the world is the difference between what we are and what we could become. And our only regret may be to reject Abe's novel for our bookclub before it is even written."
Okay, I may have added the second half, but no doubt Ben Herbster was thinking it.
Oprah, thank you for your time and I look forward to seeing you at your vast estates soon.
P.S. Will we be doing any swimming? Do I need to bring my swim trunks? I just got a new pair, so Stedman can use my old ones if he wants. What size is he? 32? 34? Nevermind, we will work out these details later.
P.P.S. I loved your work as Judge Bumbleton in Bee Movie. I hope the role is expanded for you in the sequel.
As soon as I receive a reply from Oprah, I will post it here, on my blog.