Monday, August 4, 2008

My Letter to Oprah

I sent the following email to Oprah today at 10:45 AM - 

My Dearest Beloved Oprah,

Please, before you toss this letter into the "crap I want no part of" file,  at least give me the opportunity to clarify my plight.  

I am, as most would call it, a blossoming, enchanting writer, just starting work on my first novel.  I revel in the opportunity to speak to you concerning acceptance into your illustrious book club, for which I have a yearning to be a part of.  Granted, I have not actually written anything of great consequence yet.  However, I have what I believe is potential and potential alone should allow you to sequester choice placement of my writing in your 2010 book club.  

I know what you are thinking (My hours upon hours of watching your magnificent show have allowed me the pleasure of reading your thoughts), "Who is this frenetic lunatic that just assumes that he deserves a place in my book club based on potential alone?"  Good question Oprah.  Good question indeed.  I can now see that your questioning skills are beyond wondrous.  You are a truly a gift from God.  You are the Frankincense of the 21st century.  If you are the Frankincense, I could be your myrrh.  Give me this chance to be your myrrh Oprah!  I would be such a sweet and fragrant myrrh, you would be forced to put me in your bookclub AND your "favorite things".  

Oprah, I own and operate a very well received Daddy blog that receives upwards of 40 visitors a day!  See what I mean by "potential"?  Most blogs I know only receive 20-30 visitors per day.  I am consistently surpassing those numbers by 30 - 40%.  Perhaps you are not an avid reader of Utah blogs, but I urge you to take a look at:
Take a look at my entry on "shopping for women's pants".  If the words engrossing, gripping and hilarious do not come to mind, I will simply close up shop and throw out any plans to jump on your couch in the near future.

However, if you do in fact enjoy that piece, please have your people contact my people (my wife) and we will set up a meeting at one of our fabulous estates. (Preferably yours as I would need to clean the train set my boys set up in our living room floor and that would be too time consuming.)  During our meeting we can discuss my appearance fees and the luxury items I will need in your dressing room.  (I must have Evian water poured from a carton.  The glass bottle gives the water a brass, bitter taste that shocks my taste buds.  Oh, and it is also a must that I have a jello mold with 23 Milk Duds inside.  No more, no less.  23.)

While I have your attention, could you please answer the following questions for me:

A.  Who is Stedman?  I know there has to be pictures of him somewhere, but I have never seen one.  Is he like Snuffalufagus on Sesame Street?  We know he exists, but Bigbird is the only one that ever sees him.  By the way, do you like Big Bird?  

B. Why isn't Stedman a regular on your show?  Dr. Phil has his wife on his show.  She smiles and nods her approval at everything the big doc says.  Never mind Stedman, why isn't Dr. Phil's wife ever on your show?

C. Why do you insist on having your own picture on every issue of O Magazine?  It's not that you are not a stunning and glamorous woman, because let me just say - Va Va Va Voom!  It just comes off a little narcissistic and egoistical.  I don't place a picture of myself on every blog entry I write.  (Not that I haven't thought about it.... many times over.)

D. Can I have a free car?

Well my sexy, ever so succulently plump Oprah, if you have read this far, you have read more than I ever expected.  Nevertheless, my spirits are buoyant and my core is filled with hope.  You may reach me at my blog (via comments... and yes, please make a few comments.  I would be the envy of the blog-o-sphere had Oprah made a comment.)  Or, if you wish, you may have your people contact my people.  (Once again, my people are my wife and myself.)  

Remember, as the great Ben Herbster once said, "The greatest value in the world is the difference between what we are and what we could become.  And our only regret may be to reject Abe's novel for our bookclub before it is even written."

Okay, I may have added the second half, but no doubt Ben Herbster was thinking it.

Oprah, thank you for your time and I look forward to seeing you at your vast estates soon.


P.S. Will we be doing any swimming?  Do I need to bring my swim trunks?  I just got a new pair, so Stedman can use my old ones if he wants.  What size is he?  32?  34?  Nevermind, we will work out these details later.

P.P.S. I loved your work as Judge Bumbleton in Bee Movie.  I hope the role is expanded for you in the sequel.

As soon as I receive a reply from Oprah, I will post it here, on my blog.


Tammy said...

I can't wait to see if you receive an answer because I've written to Oprah several times and never heard back!

However she might reject you because some of your questions she's already answered so she might feel you should know who Steadman is (he's in People magazine with her when she has benefits), there is a reason she is on every cover of O (but I forgot what it is)

You need to write a follow-up email and tell her you are an elementary teacher!!!! That should win her heart for sure, especially since you are male!

Good luck!

Cheeseboy said...

Tammy, even though I really did send this message, it was a total farce and I am sure I will never hear from her again.

Lori said...

Abe, you should have referred her to the post you did on your body hair...that would have REALLY impressed her!
Oh, and I don't think you'll be needing your swimsuit. I recently heard her say she would NEVER be caught in a swimsuit...meaning she NEVER puts one on.

Cheeseboy said...

Lori - it is a little scary that you know that much about Oprah. Do you know what kind of underwear she wears too?

And Tammy - What the heck do you mean by "he's in People magazine with her when she has benefits" What are these benefits of which you speak?

Lori said...

This is Mike E. Maybe you do need a part time job at my office! You have waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much time on your hands this summer. If you're bored, I need a runner to Home Depot, 4 lawns that will need to be mowed when Brandon starts wrestling, weeds to be pulled at my office with the occassional lunch to be picked up at Del Taco. I really can find things to do keep you occupied if you are interested. Never mind, (two words or one?) I know what a break a Grade school teacher must need after nine months of "Can I use the bathroom?" "I'm thirsty!" "Mr. Yospe, Jenny keeps touching me!" If anyone deserves a summer off, it's a school teacher. Keep blogging, I'm starting to follow up on your creative rants, thoughts and off the wall commentary. You do have a knack for writing. Keep it up! After this long comment, maybe I should look into writing my own novel!

emma said...

I think your "sexy ever so plump Oprah" did you in--No chance not! Love, Mom

Lori said...

I'm sure she's said what type of underwear she wears on her show fact, she's probably given it away to the audience. But, I missed it that day!

Tammy said...

Ha Ha I think I know what underwear Oprah wears. . . Spanx! And yes she's had the creator of Spanx on her show and yes they've given it away to the audience!

Benefits, Abe, are not what your naughty mind is thinking! I meant charity balls, galas, her birthday bash, etc. Then she has lovely Steadman on her arm for eye candy :).

Cheeseboy said...

If you were not kidding Mike, I would sure be interested, especially in the mowing of the lawns - I love to do that. I only have two weeks left of vacation though.

Tammy said...

Abe you can mow my lawn whenever you're in the neighborhood :). I'll even provide the mower and gas for it! We pay our neighbor $15.