Sunday, May 4, 2008

Church Want Ads

While watching a few people do their "callings" the past few weeks at church, I thought it might be funny if the church actually advertised jobs in the paper.  For example:

Library Aid 
Qualifications: Must be able to stand around and talk to 5 other Library Aids in a library setting while one person gets things for people.  Must know the difference between white board markers and chalk.  Must have an expansive knowledge of familiar Mormon pictures.  Must be able to complain when the copier breaks down.  Must know your way around a clipboard with a string on it.  Must be taller than the average males chest as that is where the door/booth goes to.  Midgets need not apply.
Start date: Whenever one of the old ladies in there dies.
Pay: Nothing

Sunday School Secretary
Qualifications:  Must be able to bend to the floor to slide rolls underneath doors.  Must be able to watch a roll travel from one end of a room to the other and at the appropriate time stand up and send it back for anyone who may have come in late.  Must be able to leave open spaces on the roll for new people.  Must know not to update information on rolls except for once a year.  
Pay: Nothing

Wanted: Door Monitor/Program Distributor
Qualifications: Must have the ability to stand.  Friendliness is encouraged but not required.  The ability to flip through a large stack of papers without licking your fingers is a bonus.  Experience as a Walmart greeter is also encouraged.  Candidate will be at least 85 years of age.
Pay: Nothing

Wanted: Eternal Testimony Bearer 
Qualifications:  Must bear testimony every single Fast Sunday.  Must take at least 10 minutes of the meeting.  Must be able to memorize a single story and repeat it every month.  Must be very thankful for everyone in the ward and be able to single out at least 8 people per meeting.  Must be at least 50 years old. Must be able to recognize a lull within seconds.  Must not be able to take a hint from bishopbric about what a testimony really is.  Actual testimony not required.  Limit 2 per ward.
Pay: Nothing

Wanted: Ward Choir Director
Qualifications: Must be willing and able to beg.  (Musical experience not required.)
Pay: Nothing


Tammy said...

Oh Abe you surely are going to be in trouble for all your complaining about the church! And you forgot that a librarian qualification can also be for someone who refuses any other position in the church and loves being a librarian so much that his eternal salvation could be at stake if he didn't have that particular job. . . . sound like anyone you know????

Cheeseboy said...

Does sound familiar Tam...and please do not think that I am complaining with this post. I just having some fun, pointing out some goofy things.

Tammy said...

I always know I can never take you seriously Abe :). So I know you're "complaining" is all in fun :) :) :)

The Yospe's said...

Funny stuff

tim & brandi said...

Since I was teaching Elders Quorum yesterday, I required chalk. I think getting a loan for our house was easier than getting loaned 3 pieces of chalk.

And of course, the sign out pencil was attached to the clip board by a piece of string. I heard that a lot of people join the church just to take advantage of the free pencils.