While watching a few people do their "callings" the past few weeks at church, I thought it might be funny if the church actually advertised jobs in the paper. For example:
Qualifications: Must be able to stand around and talk to 5 other Library Aids in a library setting while one person gets things for people. Must know the difference between white board markers and chalk. Must have an expansive knowledge of familiar Mormon pictures. Must be able to complain when the copier breaks down. Must know your way around a clipboard with a string on it. Must be taller than the average males chest as that is where the door/booth goes to. Midgets need not apply.
Start date: Whenever one of the old ladies in there dies.
Sunday School Secretary
Qualifications: Must be able to bend to the floor to slide rolls underneath doors. Must be able to watch a roll travel from one end of a room to the other and at the appropriate time stand up and send it back for anyone who may have come in late. Must be able to leave open spaces on the roll for new people. Must know not to update information on rolls except for once a year.
Wanted: Door Monitor/Program Distributor
Qualifications: Must have the ability to stand. Friendliness is encouraged but not required. The ability to flip through a large stack of papers without licking your fingers is a bonus. Experience as a Walmart greeter is also encouraged. Candidate will be at least 85 years of age.
Wanted: Eternal Testimony Bearer
Qualifications: Must bear testimony every single Fast Sunday. Must take at least 10 minutes of the meeting. Must be able to memorize a single story and repeat it every month. Must be very thankful for everyone in the ward and be able to single out at least 8 people per meeting. Must be at least 50 years old. Must be able to recognize a lull within seconds. Must not be able to take a hint from bishopbric about what a testimony really is. Actual testimony not required. Limit 2 per ward.
Wanted: Ward Choir Director
Qualifications: Must be willing and able to beg. (Musical experience not required.)