Friday, April 2, 2010

My application for cruise ship employment.

I've often considered alternative professions, just in case this whole teaching thing didn't work out. I've thought about becoming a ventriloquist for the blind (the easiest kind of ventriloquism) or a used car lot salesman (specializing in the sell of actual used car lots, not used automobiles).

However, if in fact this whole teaching thing goes to pot (which it may, as pot has become the prevalent choice of burnt out teachers) someday, I do have a plan B that I am thrilled about: Cruise Ship Ice Sculpting (A craft I fell in love with on the '99 Spirit of Carnival maiden voyage) In the spirit of over-preparedness, I have already developed a resume on the very likely chance that I someday obtain an interview with a Carnival Cruise Director.

RESUME OF:
Cheeseboy, Sophisticated Philosophant Extraordinaire

OBJECTIVE:
To obtain a position in the charm induced, high paced world of Cruise Ship Ice Sculpting.

EXPERIENCE WITH ICE:
  • Family ice block hill sliding championship 3 years running.
  • Installed line for self serve ice machine in the refrigerator.
  • Use ice frequently to cool drinks - expert in the field of the 7-11 ice machine.
  • Sound foundational knowledge of the properties of ice and how to make it.
  • Over 11,000 ice cubes made in my freezer over my lifetime.
EXPERIENCE WITH CARVING:
  • Over 39 sharp sticks carved over my lifetime.
  • 1989 wood carving merit badge recipient.
  • Ability to carve a bar of soap into a much smaller bar of soap.
  • Watched 'Groundhog Day' 8 times.
  • Extreme chainsaw moxie.
CRUISE SHIP EXPERIENCE:
  • Two time cruise ship participant. ('99, '00)
  • Passed required lifejacket test both times. (But just barely in '00 due to a whistle malfunction)
  • Karaoke champion in '99. (Neil Diamond Division)
OTHER RELATED SKILLS:
  • 1 year marshal arts training. Self taught.
  • Optimistic by nature
  • Magician (Total of 2 card tricks)
  • Attacked by swan (non-ice)
  • Type 70 WPM.

10 comments:

Alicia said...

lol....those 7-11 ice machines can be tricky...luckily for me i've mastered the ice to carbonated beverage ratio and end up with a perfectly chilled treat every time. my life's mission is accomplished.

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

That's a lot of Groundhog Day, Cheeseboy, and a wonderfully silly post! I think the best job perk would involve sneaking into the heavenly midnight choco-fests.
Cheers,
Robyn

Sco said...

Chicks dig guys with skills: used car lot salesman skills, magician skills, ventriloquist skills, ice sculpting skills. Cathi's a lucky lady.

Bossy Betty said...

You had me at the Sharpened Sticks.

Queenie Jeannie said...

LOL!! Fabulously funny! Thank you!!!!

tammy said...

It's always good to have a back-up plan. I think the merit badge will clinch it for you. Those things aren't easy to come by.

Heather and Jake said...

I'm commenting because I would like a dollar to go to heartburn survivors like myself. I think it's time for you and Cathi to take the boys on a Disney cruise!

Pedaling said...

as one who has worked for a cruise ship and dibbled in some of the hiring...
after reading your resume, i can tell you, right now,
you're over-qualified.

sorry.

imbeingheldhostage said...

Wow, I really feel bad for your competition, they don't stand a chance!

Cheeseboy said...

@ Alicia - It is a difficult task to be sure. I think you, me and 2 other people have done it.

@ Rawkn - Thanks, and if you've seen Groundhog Day once, it's like you've seen it 8 times.

@ Scott - Yep.

@ Bossy - the hardest thing to carve.

@ Queenie - thanks.

@ Tammy - the wood carving merit badge is ranked #1 by scouting magazine as a semi-difficult one to obtain.

@ Heather - YES! (Will you pay for it?)

@ Pedaling - that is truly sad and hilarious at the same time.

@ hostage - yes. Much like in my Neil Diamond karaoke competition.