Monday, April 26, 2010

How my moronic ways helped me not score with the ladies.

When I was a kid, I was a total moron. Now, when I say moron, I mean exactly this: I would do anything and everything for a laugh - just like any self respecting moron would do.

If it meant licking bugs off the windshield in Moab Utah, the bugs were licked.

If it meant shaving both my eyebrows in the back seat of a suburban, brows were shaved to bloody stubs.

If it meant streaking... uh, never mind, my mom reads this blog.

"Moron", "twit", "jackass" - I fit every description. At 34, I am not sure if I have outgrown this phase of my life. I'd like to think so, but if you have seen me dance, you'd probably disagree with me.

At the age of 17, I came to the harsh realization that my involvement as the town nitwit was completely at odds with the raging hormones bouncing off every fiber of my being. It appeared, at least on the surface, that girls did not appreciate a good bug lick. (That came off much dirtier than it really is.)

My first attempt to kiss a girl went exactly like this:

Scene: Second date with a average to below average looking girl. (Most would say BELOW average.) We are standing nervously next to her 1984 blue Volkswagon bug. After some small talk about something really lame - most likely how my acne has recently cleared up - I lean in for the kiss.

And... ACTION!

- EXCUSE ME. What are you doing?!
- Uh, nothing. Sorry. Sorry.
- Abe, I really don't think I like you like that.
- Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything... I mean, you were totally laughing the entire night.
- Yeah, I know. You are a funny guy, but you kinda talk about stupid stuff and do strange things.
- Really? Well, I am just...
- Well, it's like you are trying TOO hard.
- Oh. Ouch. Well, I thought I was totally lowering my standards by going out with you. I am doing YOU a favor here. If you won't kiss me, then WHO THE HECK WILL?!

Okay, that last line I may have not said, but it is exactly what I WANTED to say. I should have said it. I was so pathetic.

So, I was at a crossroads; a fork in the road, or another place where you have to make a decision to go one way or another.

In order to respect and honor the ladies, I decided to scale back the moronic act a little.

Yeah, that's the ticket - I did it out of respect and honor for the ladies. The hormones were an afterthought. What I mean by that is that I thought about my hormones after I thought about the ladies and I thought about them almost nonstop.

Alas, my efforts did not prove fruitless as a mere year later, I was able to sweep my ultra hot wife off her feet. Once I was able to accomplish that titanic task, I could go back to my moronic ways for laughs - like sitting midday in a dumpster full of rotten chocolate milk. (See three posts below.)


Kristina P. said...

So, you were the annoying funny. Gotcha.

Cheeseboy said...

No, no Kristina. I didn't mean to come off like that at all. I think I was more of the strange funny, but still funny nonetheless. I think most everyone that knows me would not call me "annoying" at any point of my life.

tammy said...

Ouch is right.

So does your wife find you humorous or does she mostly just roll her eyes at you like I do to my husband?

btw - I have a dirty windshield if you're hungry.

Anonymous said...

We have huge beetles here that you could try licking. The cats and dog love them hehe

Mamma has spoken said...

So what you are saying is you never grew up.....

MiMi said...

I know this is supposed to be funny, but it makes me sads for you. Until you got the ultra hot wife, anyway.

Teachinfourth said...

So, sometimes the way forward is sometimes the way back?

There's a Labyrinth quote for you which totally applies to the situation.

Tammy said...

You would be such a boring person if you weren't so moronic :).

ModernMom said...

Every girl has a soft spot for the Ducky's of the class :) LOL

Ally said...

This is so funny to me, why? Because I always aimed super low. As a chubby girl, I'd only bother going for chubbier guys. For whatever reason though, chubbier guys wanted only hot chicks. Long story short, I married a fairly normal sized guy. Early on in our dating days, I was at a bar with old friends who knew my college bf. At some point hubs shows up and a friend introduces him to another old college bud and says, "and he's MUCH MUCH MUCH cuter than [college bf name here]!" I nearly died. Not sure if my story relates exactly to yours.

To be honest, Abe. I don't think you were being a moron, I think you were being fun and and silly type. Ex. licking bugs isn't cruel. Cruel guys are the morons. Just my opinion. Sorry for the endless comment.

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

Wait, were you trying to kiss her or the bug she drove? Your silly humor is appealing and not moronic. That girl was the moron. She went out with you a second time and acted shocked that you tried to make a move?! All's well that end's well, and I bet I'll see her when I join a convent.

Kelly said...

I am so glad you found a way to tone down your moron side and found a sucker to marry you.

In my opinion funny outweighs a lot of things in life! You just gotta be you.

Connie said...

So that was half your life ago! I'm sure you've grown up...somewhat in the past 17 years!

Now, back to the below average girl you dated twice! She ROCKS!!! (Don't ask me why)

It's good you found your hot wife.

Tracie said...

See, I always liked the funny guys. Congrats on being able to tone it down enough to catch a hottie.

Amy said...

I've never witnessed someone who licked bugs off of a windshield, but did know a guy who ate Elmer's Glue in 2nd grade. I wonder if you were somewhat like him??

BTW, did your wife know about your taste for bugs prior to this post?

Just wondering

Rachel said...

Dear Cheeseboy, You may now consider yourself stocked thanks to TN4th. Are you creeped out?

I didn't think so. Anyone who will lick bugs off of a windshield......Were they those big mustard splatter ones? My morbid curiosity wants to know beause if they were just those small gnatty ones....that doesn't count.

Bossy Betty said...

I think semi-moronic can be sexy.

Green-Eyed Momster said...

Growing up can be awkward. Trust me, I should know.

You rock!

Tree said...

Did I go to school with you?! Seems like I remember "that guy" all too well. LOL The bug lickin...I don't know about that one. Kinda gross. :)

järnebrand said...

I am guessing there were probably lots of shy girls who had secret crushes on you... :)
It is wonderful to hear you eventually scored with someone though, and that this very someone is now your wife. Congratulations! :)
Hugs/ Jo.

Queenie Jeannie said...

LOL!!! Don't worry, we were ALL that weird in our youth! One way or another...

Powdered Toast Man said...

That kissing scene should be in a movie somewhere. I do anything for laughs too. We are one and the same cheeseboy.

BTW, what kind of cheese are you?

ScoMan said...

Everyone loves a loveable moron type. If the ladies can't undestand that, that's their problem, not yours.

Sounds like I'm about 15 years too late for this pep talk.

Mr. Stupid said...

Licking Bugs off the windshield? Well done... hehe
That is the one thing I have not yet tried!
Ta Ta

Mayhem and Moxie said...

Live and learn. That's what those crazy stunts in our youth were for, right? Besides, do you have any idea what Miss 1984 blue Volkswagon bug is doing now?

My guess would be not hanging out with someone as cool as you. :)

Joann Mannix said...

I'm with the other girls. The funny, quirky guys are the best ones. The ultra cool dudes were the ones who turned out to be the jerks of all jerks. Trust me, on this one. I know entirely too much about that one.

And how brave of you to out your humiliation.

We used to play Truth or Dare as young folks with all our friends. (Always clean.) The one everyone still talks about is when I dared a friend of ours to lick our sliding door's screen from top to bottom. Let me just say in Florida, the exotic bugs are aplenty and they fly to the light. Many varietals were stuck in the webbing of that filthy screen. He did it, though. And a new legend was born.

Vanessa said...

We gotta do whatever it takes to get our spouses. Like pretend we like to go ice fishing, marry them and never go again.

mama-face said...

LOL. I married a man much like you. Not sure what that says about anything...

hey, your mom reads this and you said jackass? bwahahaha. Bug-licker.

Ms Bibi said...

It's like seeing into the future of my 13 year old if he doesn't change his budding moronic ways.

I fear for that child,lol.

Just SO said...

Bloody stumps for eyebrows? How could the ladies not love that???

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

Well, between my four brothers and three sisters, I can't say that anything you said has shocked me.

Except that I am impressed what changes you went through just for the ladies. ;)

Your poor wife. Did she date you long enough to undertand what she was getting herself into?

See Mom Smile said...

Good for you! The strange funny guy usually never gets the girl!

Robin said...

Her loss...see what she missed out on..a Man of Cheese...I would have liked you then..I like moronic humor..Lol...any great...

Melinda said...

I hate that I'm hysterical and nobody gets it. Whats wrong with all those people anyway?!

Unknown Mami said...

I love a man that makes me laugh, but not a man with bugs on his breath. There is a fine line.

C'est La Vie said...

haha this cracks me up, you remind me so much of my cousin.
nice work.

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Well, I would've laughed at you too! Oh, and the kiss thing? OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! Bet she looks you up on FB now and regrets that.

Anonymous said...

This is a sad story - and no you are still doing these types of pranks to get attention. Did not just a week ago you get into a dumpster and film a clip for your blog? Is that so much different than licking bugs?

kaye said...

thanks for stopping by, you have a pretty entertaining blog here!

Beth said...

You are such a HOOT! I LOVE coming here! It always makes me laugh!

Lindzena said...

We are all so glad you reverted back to your old ways, and as a result your following has most definitely grown. PS, it is a good thing that you didn't say what you wanted to say, because any self-respecting girl would've broken your nose.

Maple said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
CynthiaK said...

I, too, was the strange funny. Which comes off even worse when you're female. Trust me.

Cheeseboy said...

@ Tammy1 - Interesting question about my wife. I think she USED to find me very funny. At least she acted like she did. Now, she is either just mildly amused or does the eye roll thing. Either way, she still loves me for who I am and I love that about her.

@ Niki - Huge Beetles? Like VW? Or live beetles?

@ Mama - yes, still waiting to mature.

@ Mimi - Yeah, after I read it, it was kinda depressing. I wasn't too pleased with this post actually, but it was too much work to just delete.

@ Teachinfourth - You are like a very wise David Bowie.

@ Tammy2 - As I've said before, I'd much rather be called different than ordinary.

@ Modern - Are you talking about the "Duckface"?

@ Ally - Funny. I story rang true. My wife is much hotter than anything I dated before and most people are pretty amazed I landed her.

@ Rawkn - She might be at the same convent as you'll join, but I think she's at a West Coast convent.

@ Kelly - Thanks. Yeah, I think I am doing a pretty good job at that now.

@ Connie - In a way, she does rock. I heard she is actually a very good person now.

@ Tracie - Well, I just had to learn to use funny to my advantage with the ladies and not the other way around.

@ Amy - Uh. Hm. Well, Elmer's Glue eh? Not saying I've done it, but I've done it. And it wasn't second grade.

@ Rachel - TN4th is a great blogger. Thanks for coming over.

@ Bossy - Where were you when I was in high school?

@ Green-Eyed - Well, that was just my high school years. You didn't want to see me in Junior High.

@ Tree - Maybe we did? Do you remember me? I was the one that ate bugs.

@ Jarnebrand - Maybe... I'd sure like to know now.

@ Queenie - That is reassuring.

@ Powdered Toast - I like to think that I am a grated parmesan.

@ ScoMan - That is what I learned as time went by.

@ Mr. Stupid - Of all people, Mr. Stupid, I thought YOU would have licked bugs off windshields.

@ Mayhem - Yes, I know where that girl is now and she definitely did not make out as well as I did.

@ Joann - Okay, that might top my windshield story. The bugs were at least fresh on the windshield.

@ Venessa - Your husband pretended to like ice fishing for you? That is romantic.

@ mama-face - I'm not positive, but I am fairly sure that jackass does not qualify as a swear word. "Jack" yes, but not jackass.

@ Bibi - Your son can also become a teacher! In a way, we morons make terrific teachers.

@ Just SO - I know! If you've seen Pink Floyd's The Wall, you would even more appreciate it.

@ Serene - your brothers sound awesome.

@ See Mom Smile - I am the exception to the rule in so many things.

@ Robin - Where where you in high school? I think as you grow older moronic and funny becomes more endearing.

@ Melinda - Right on! And congrats on the baby.

@ Mami - I get you. Not eating bugs was one way I simmered. You definitely would not be into Bear Grills.

@ La Vie - Did your cousin score a hot lady too?

@ Sara - I hope so. She should.

@ Anon - Of course. Did you not read my post. I mentioned that in the last line.

@ Kaye - Thanks!

Cheeseboy said...

Okay, I write a few responses and WHILE I am writing them, I get 3 more comments? I'll take it.

@ Beth - Thanks. I enjoy hooting it up.

@ Lindzena - Yep. And I would have absolutely deserved to have my nose broken. BUT that would have made this blog post a lot more interesting. WHY wasn't I thinking about my future blog back in 1992?

@ Cynthia - I would have found it awesome.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

The ladies don't seem to appreciate geeks, either. Fortunately I found one who did!

Lola Sharp said...

I bet that less-than-average girl is fat, wearing stretch waist pants, and sports a mushroom haircut.

You win!!

Plus, by now she has likely realized that most men are still just 7 year old boys that laugh at potty humor. (the other option is far worse: the stick-in-the-mud, BORING guy.)
I'll keep my funny, goofball husband. He keeps me laughing.

But bug licking IS gross, dude. Ew.

Jason, as himself said...

Oh, man! You are kooky and I love it. I teach first grade, too, you know. And, uh, yeah, my abs are really chiseled, too.

Thank you for commenting today on The Jason Show. And thank you for being a fan of U of U and not that university to the south.

I am now a follower. Can't wait to see what happens at your 200th.

Anonymous said...

Oooo! I did NOT forget about the dumpster posts, and can't wait to see them! Off to check them now.

P.S. Congrats on the hot wife. :)

MBGITWWR said...

I absolutely LOVE the Office! Pretzel day is a classic!

Glamazon said...

Aaah, that sucks. Especially since she was, like, BELOW AVERAGE on the looks scale. Kinda surprising-I always thought the girls went for the funny guys.

Guys, however, are made a mite uncomfortable by the funny girls :)

Awesome post!

Sco said...

Ha! Great post. You and and your buds must have some epic stunts/stories. Maybe you were a one-man show, though...

Anonymous said...

The funny thing is that girls'/women's tastes change over time. What seems moronic at 16 can evolve into funny over time. When you're old and sagging and life has dealt you enough crap, I think women want to laugh!