Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Alien supermodels and their seedy, unquenchable desires.
If I had been abducted by aliens as a 16 year old and every alien looked like a beautiful supermodel, this is a report of the information I would give them to take back to their home planet and share with the other supermodel aliens. Also, the supermodel aliens are a dying breed and are looking for a man to help repopulate their planet as there are no male supermodel aliens on their planet still alive
Head alien Cindy Crawford: I take it you abducted the boy "Abe" and received information from him about earthling males?
Alien Christy Turlington: Yes, that is correct leader.
Alien Cindy: Did you complete the full body probe?
Alien Christy: No no. He said something about having to talk to his Bishop first.
Alien Cindy: FOOLS! At least you garnered information. You did garner information, correct?
Alien Kate Moss: We've got all the information we need, Cindy. Garnering is what we do.
Alien Cindy: Go on...
Alien Kate: 16 -year-old earthling Abe tells us much about the men of his planet. Here are some of the more important details he explained to us about their habits and behavior. We now know what to look for in a mate.
- Male earthlings reach their peak at age 17. After the age 17, it's all downhill. We don't even want to look at males over the age of 17 - they are hideous beings with no value left in their souls.
- Some males in the desired age group of 16 have "pimples", but Abe referred to them as "handsome spots". The more of these handsome spots they have on their face, the more desirable they are to the opposite sex.
- It is perfectly normal for 16 year old men on earth to spend Friday night locked up in his room, listening to a Jazz game on the radio while slurping a 64 ounce Slurpee. Not only is it normal, but men that do this are considered "mysteriously awesome".
- The fewer females an earthling 16 year old has kissed, the more sexy they are. If a male has kissed more than one female before the age 17, they are considered "pathetic", "ugly" and "passed around and used up".
- In fact, it is ideal to date a male that has kissed zero females.
- The best males to date are the ones that have an extensive collection of rock concert tee shirts. Actually, the males with the best reproductive genes are those that have two rock concert tee shirts with something called "Stone Temple Pilots" on the front. Look for these men!
- The larger the male's driving machine, the smaller their brain. The smartest males drive something called a "1989 Jeep Comanche truck".
- If a male has trouble talking to females or shies away, it is not because they are scared, but rather, they are playing hard to get and females should be extra aggressive when pursuing them. These males types are actually the dominant males in their species.
- The best, or "chosen" males do not participate in sports at their places of learning. Rather, the chosen males spend their time sitting around in their buddies basements, making homemade comedy videos. Only the brutes and jackasses play something called "football".
- Stay away from these football males. You'll know who they are because they wear large numbers on their shirt. The number on their chest indicates the position of how dumb they are in the place of learning. If they are wearing number 6, that means they are the 6th dumbest male at the place of learning. Stay away from males that wear numbers. The numbers!
- Males that make you laugh are the kings of the land and are held in high regard.
- Highly desirable males are the ones that have the most lines from something called "Billy Madison" memorized. These men like it when you laugh at these quotes they say them.
Alien Cindy: You've done well ladies. Really well. Where is this "Abe"? I'd like to meet him myself.
Alien Kate: He is in the backseat of the spaceship. He said he needed to change into his other Stone Temple Pilot tee shirt before meeting you.
Alien Cindy: Ohhh. Bring him hither, for I shall need a word. Do it promptly, for I am thirsty for my alien Pepsi. Now, where are my alien short Levi jeans?
I said PROMPTLY!