Tuesday, April 6, 2010

The Easter Egg Hunt: Pure Evil

The Blog O' Cheese is on hiatus for my birthday and vacation.  Please enjoy this repost from April 6, of last year.

There ain't nothing worse than a really great Easter Egg hunt in your local community.

On your mark... get set... TEAR EACH OTHERS' ARMS OFF!

Who hasn't been to an Easter Egg hunt with more than five kids that DIDN'T end with at least one kid in tears? Hands? Hands? That's right, you're too busy drying your eggless kid's tears with a dirty old Arctic Circle napkin you threw in your glove compartment 6 months ago.

Egg hunts are NEVER properly organized and NEVER properly supervised. I've seen kids trampled without a second thought or shoved into a cactus like a cornucopia filled with with broccoli... all in the name of a plastic egg with a black licorice jelly bean rattling around inside.

No, egg hunts are less about the spirit of Easter and more about who is the quickest, meanest and most brutal bully in a group of 100 bullies.

Can you imagine what would happen if at Christmas we hid all the toys in a park, brought all the neighborhood children together and said: OK, HAVE AT IT! After 10 minutes, there wouldn't be an unbloodied, uncrying kid left!

Hey, while we're at it, instead of trick-or-treating, we should just pour all the candy in the middle of the church gym and count down from 10. Heck, we could even throw up some chain-linked around the pile and have an all out grudge match. I'll bring child-sized brass knuckles.

I've actually attended egg hunts in which one egg holds a special prize - a $100 bill or a ticket for a free bicycle. As if an Easter Egg hunt wasn't already too much like a cruel Japanese game show! This little trick just ads fuel to an already blazing candy induced inferno. It's a little like Oprah hiding a bunch of keys around her studio and telling the audience, "Well, the more keys you find, the better chance you have at winning that Pontiac Aztec in the parking lot." Yeah, good luck finding a place to bury all those bodies Oprah.

Perhaps I am filled with such Easter ire because Mother Nature, or Father Time, or God (Who does decide this stuff?) made my boys in the extra small variety? Maybe it is because there are never enough plastic eggs in this world? Maybe it is that the younger kids always end up with the LEAST eggs, when it should be the other way around. Maybe it is simply the fact that I try and teach my boys and First Graders to share and avoid greedy gluttony instead of acting like ravenous, egg stealing rattlesnakes?

Whatever the case, I think we will stick with our simple egg hunt in the back yard with just me and the boys - that way I ONLY have two kids to trample and push into a cactus in order to get the most jelly filled plastic eggs. GET OUT OF MY WAY YOU STINKIN' KID!

Oh and hey, Happy Easter everybody!

PS: I'd like to add that I dedicate this post to my wife, who is really the one that hates large scale Easter Egg hunts. Also, she only occasionally laughs at my posts nowadays, so I am hoping to get her with one she is very passionate about.


Melinda said...

I totally agree! Stupid kids need to get out of my way, I need me some chocolate!! I may be slower because of this pregnant belly, but It just gives me something extra to hit you with...that was what you were talking about right?

Kristina P. said...

There's nothing like tears, competition, and broken Peeps to remind you of the love our Savior has for us.

Terresa said...

This post is hilarious!!! I'm sold on your blog, especially since the funny tone/theme is one that I keep on bugging my brothers to do.

Not to mention the cheese. We pretty much have a cheese shrine in our home that we nibble through on a constant basis. Cheese has been one of our children's first words, too.

PS: Just promise, once you hit 50 followers, I can keep my skinny jeans?! :)

tammy said...

And as my 8 year old said earlier today, "What does an Easter Bunny have to do with eggs anyway?"

Sco said...

One thing that could be worse: your wife is assigned to put together the local Community Easter Egg Hunt. Nope, haven't been back since.

@ Terresa - agreed that the Blog of Cheese is a high hurdle for all man blogs.

Bossy Betty said...

Oh, love to see them children scatter and hunt! It's sort of primitive.

Tammy said...

This post is a reminder of why we don't do community easter egg hunts :). I've only been to one and it was planned really well but it was for the adoption agency so I'm pretty sure we won't get an invite back to that anytime soon.

Kelly H-Y said...

Hilarious! And true! The comment about doing the same thing for Christmas was priceless. Wishing you and your family a very happy Easter!

Kate said...

I don't know why but Pontiac Aztec has me laughing my face off.

Hi, I'm Kate. I like Muenster.

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

I hope this one got to your wife. It is very, very funny. Egg hunts are more ruthless than Pinata parties, and there's never nearly enough chocolate to make it worth the bruises.
Happy Easter with your little family and no big egg hunts.

imbeingheldhostage said...

Kristina P is so right. I was actually feeling like a bad parent because my kids missed the Egg hunt yesterday. Not feeling bad anymore, thank you.
Happy Easter to you and your family!

Pedaling said...

there's a famous saying in our family..."what's so big about an egg!"

lindsey v said...

I refuse to go to big egg hunts too. I tried it for a few years when my kids were younger.

You have to wake up early on a weekend which is unnatural in any way. Then you have to get to the place early so you can get a spot, then you have to wait in the freezing cold, then see how many eggs your kids can get (3 at the most) in the space of the 30 seconds that it takes for every egg to be snatched up then get in your car and wait in long traffic lines to get out of the parking lot. Then you get home and find that some of the eggs were filled with an advertisement or a coupon. Too much fun for me to handle.

Cheeseboy said...

@ Melinda - Uh, yes???

@ Kristina - He does love us.

@ Terresa - Welcome to the blog. Perhaps you can show it to your bros and it will inspire them?

@ Tammy - You could tell her - well the daddy Easter Bunny falls in love with the mommy Easter Bunny...

@ Scott - Oh man! I bet you haven't been back.

@ Bossy - Ha Ha! Kind of like the hunters and gatherers of yesteryear.

@ Tammy2 - You can adopt me and I will take all your kids eggs.

@ Kelly H-Y - Thanks! And a Happy Easter to you too. And God Bless us all Tiny... wait...

@ Kate - Thanks so much for commenting. Muenster is the "Crown Prince" of all the cheeses. And I know why you are laughing - Pontiac Aztecs are hilarious.

@ Rawkn - LOL! At least in Pinata parties, they give the small kid a stick to beat off the bullies with.

@ Hostage - Consider it my Easter gift to you.

@ Pedaling - you have a wise, wise family (especially when it comes to eggs)

@ Lindsey - HA HA! Sounds like you should have written this post for me. Next year we will tag team this topic, okay?

tammy said...

Your responses always crack me up. And your new poll? How am I supposed to choose? I'm actually kind of mad that UT has In-N-Out now. I like my family and friends to be jealous of me.

Megan said...

seriously. I've never been to a community egg hunt, even though my mother in law organizes the one in Woods Cross. I just know that it would be a horrible experience for children. Not a good idea.

Connie said...

Saturday morning at 9:00, it was snowing in our little Utah city. That didn't stop the parents from loading up their wee ones and heading to the baseball diamond for the infamous Easter egg hunt! The line of cars was a half mile long and I just smiled, knowing that I wasn't in that line!
Fun blog. I can imagine your first graders love you!
Hope your wife at least chuckled at this post.

Queenie Jeannie said...

LOL! Ohmygosh - this is so true!!!! I NEVER bring The Bella to these anymore. We have our own in the backyard too!

Cheeseboy said...

@ Tammy - Don't be jealous. Everything eventually comes to Utah and people freak out and then no one cares. Just look at Ikea.

@ Megan - Your mother-in-law might be a saint, but she will be a jaded saint after organizing egg hunts.

@ Connie - I drove by 2 or 3 egg hunts just like that one. I wanted to yell at them that there are eggs at the store.

@ Queenie - It's the only way to go.

Babe in Boysland said...

We share the same feelings about this violent tradition. Have you read hunger games? Your descriptions reminded me of that. Putting young people in an enclosed space with one goal in mind- kill or be killed.

My yard workes just as well. There's a little less bloodshed, and I know exactly where the good stuff is hidden.

Lindzena said...

I was always the kid who started crying! Mostly because I was a weakling and wasn't brave enough to punch anyone in the face. Not so anymore, America!! Advice: Don't invite me to a hunt.

Cheeseboy said...

@ Babes - Hunger Games sounds hilarious!

@ Lindzena - Holy crud... I advise all my readers to not mess with you.

Teachinfourth said...

I love the Oprah reference. I think you're right about the hunts…usually ends badly.

total12 said...

Heck, we could even throw up some chain-linked around the pile and have an all out grudge match.easter egg hunt ideas