The Blog O' Cheese is on hiatus for my birthday and vacation. Please enjoy this repost from April 6, of last year.
There ain't nothing worse than a really great Easter Egg hunt in your local community.
On your mark... get set... TEAR EACH OTHERS' ARMS OFF!
Who hasn't been to an Easter Egg hunt with more than five kids that DIDN'T end with at least one kid in tears? Hands? Hands? That's right, you're too busy drying your eggless kid's tears with a dirty old Arctic Circle napkin you threw in your glove compartment 6 months ago.
Egg hunts are NEVER properly organized and NEVER properly supervised. I've seen kids trampled without a second thought or shoved into a cactus like a cornucopia filled with with broccoli... all in the name of a plastic egg with a black licorice jelly bean rattling around inside.
No, egg hunts are less about the spirit of Easter and more about who is the quickest, meanest and most brutal bully in a group of 100 bullies.
Can you imagine what would happen if at Christmas we hid all the toys in a park, brought all the neighborhood children together and said: OK, HAVE AT IT! After 10 minutes, there wouldn't be an unbloodied, uncrying kid left!
Hey, while we're at it, instead of trick-or-treating, we should just pour all the candy in the middle of the church gym and count down from 10. Heck, we could even throw up some chain-linked around the pile and have an all out grudge match. I'll bring child-sized brass knuckles.
I've actually attended egg hunts in which one egg holds a special prize - a $100 bill or a ticket for a free bicycle. As if an Easter Egg hunt wasn't already too much like a cruel Japanese game show! This little trick just ads fuel to an already blazing candy induced inferno. It's a little like Oprah hiding a bunch of keys around her studio and telling the audience, "Well, the more keys you find, the better chance you have at winning that Pontiac Aztec in the parking lot." Yeah, good luck finding a place to bury all those bodies Oprah.
Perhaps I am filled with such Easter ire because Mother Nature, or Father Time, or God (Who does decide this stuff?) made my boys in the extra small variety? Maybe it is because there are never enough plastic eggs in this world? Maybe it is that the younger kids always end up with the LEAST eggs, when it should be the other way around. Maybe it is simply the fact that I try and teach my boys and First Graders to share and avoid greedy gluttony instead of acting like ravenous, egg stealing rattlesnakes?
Whatever the case, I think we will stick with our simple egg hunt in the back yard with just me and the boys - that way I ONLY have two kids to trample and push into a cactus in order to get the most jelly filled plastic eggs. GET OUT OF MY WAY YOU STINKIN' KID!
Oh and hey, Happy Easter everybody!
PS: I'd like to add that I dedicate this post to my wife, who is really the one that hates large scale Easter Egg hunts. Also, she only occasionally laughs at my posts nowadays, so I am hoping to get her with one she is very passionate about.