Wednesday, April 28, 2010

This week's school lunch menu if it were to be described by "The Food Network".


MONDAY

Entree Selection 1

Today's first selection is a nicely rounded Russet potato that has been boiled, not baked. It's rustled brown coat has been sliced open to reveal it's delightful, white inner body.

Topping options are plentiful: soft squares of ham-like brawn, a dab of pure sour cream and aged, hardened cheddar bits.

Entree Selection 2

The second selection is a nice white bread, staled to perfection and topped with a ham/turkey medley meat. On the side is a nice array of assorted Fruit Loops and marshmallows in a plastic cup.

TUESDAY

Entree Selection 1

Our first option today is an imported slice of pizza, sprinkled with a touch of peperoni. Each slice was hand tossed and glazed at Five Buck Pizza.

Entree Selection 2

For the health conscious eater, we offer a second choice of "ham" and cheese on a lightly salted Tollhouse cracker. Those selecting this low calorie treat will also have access to our canned fruit bar in which they may indulge in spoonfuls of peaches in a heavy treacle of corn syrup.

Wednesday

Entree Selection 1

Today's first choice is a lovely pancaked sausage, complete with a small crate of syrup for gentle dipping. The sausage has been lovingly slaughtered and sliced from the best part of the cow hoof. The pancake batter has been slowly hand stirred until it has reached a full, rich cream. Low in sodium and cholesterol, this is one meal your child will not want to miss.

Entree Selection 2

A specialty of the house, the Navajo Taco, has been a mainstay in the school lunch repertoire. Simply take a delightful scone - fried in only the smoothest of oils - and pile a heaping load of gravied beans on top. It's the dish that Women's Day Magazine calls "Horrendous on every level", but we simply like to call it "delicious".

Thursday

Entree Selection 1

Our first entree today are finely crafted corn chips crowned with a melted, zangy cheese sauce. With each bite, your child will be launched into a plastic cheese induced diabetic coma of joy. As promised, this entree has an available side of fresh off-the-farm chocolate pudding.

Entree Selection 2

We are pleased to announce that Thursday is "Treasure Trout" day. Our treasure trout is made from 100% New Zealand cod, imported straight to your child's platter. Treasure Trout are smothered in a sodden breaded coating with flavor crystals that bursts into your mouth like a defecating tropical squid.

This week only, in honor of Earth Day, we have lowered the amount of dolphin in our cod from 3% to .5%. You're welcome, Mother Nature and baby dolphins.

FRIDAY

Entree Selection 1

Our finest chicken breast is chosen for famous Friday nugget day. Your child will sink their teeth into a breaded outer coating synonymous to the chicken nuggets you'd find at any five star restaurant. Our chickens are hand picked from the finest piles of discarded chicken and ground into a gossamery paste. We then delicately stuff the paste into the breaded coating and generously heat in state-of-the-art microwave ovens. Every morsel is a euphoric experience.

Entree Selection 2

Our second selection for this fabulous Friday is an elegant cut of our famous Country Fried Pork Ribblets. We use only the most refined sauces from our collection of sublime sauces. Each ribblet is hand rubbed with care and sprinkled with a charming array of herbs and spices.

33 comments:

Teachinfourth said...

I usually hold out for the Hawaiian Haystacks, with mounds of cheese, pineapple, and noodles.

Everything else?

Pariah.

Mamma has spoken said...

And you just explain why I pack my lunch everyday. At my school, you can tell what day of the week it is by what is being served: Monday is something served on a bun usually a hot dog, Tuesday is Mexican meets Italian, Wednesday is chicken nuggets, Thursday is mystery meal and Friday is pizza except during Lent, and fish is also offered beside the pizza.

Niki said...

Well, I don't know what you do to our cod but here in NZ the Blue and Red cod is delicious!! hehe

MiMi said...

Treasure trout and Navajo taco almost made me ralph.

Just SO said...

Man...I miss school lunch.

Jason, as himself said...

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. This sounds so delicious now.

Rachel said...

I understand now why The Native's ask for home lunch. Even my crappy wheat bread is better than the school defecation.

GrammyMouseTails said...

I think I remember that lunch lady... she must be a thousand years old by now, and is still serving the same lunch, rewarmed ! the fav has to be the chicken beaks & feet nuggets, with yummy BBQ ( ketchup) sauce for dipping. Ahh the memories... bruppaup! excuse me... I guess memories can cause indigestion!

Noelle said...

I've lost my appetite from now til forever.

Connie said...

Does your lunch lady make the sloppy joes extra sloppy for ya?

Hope you pack your own lunch!

Krista said...

I like turkey and mashed potatoes and gravy day! I don't get any school lunch now because I no longer work at schools, but a district CRT (community rehab something - therapy or team or ?) I miss the jello squares with the dollop of whipped topping. Do you know what gelatin is really made of?

Sco said...

Not only entertaining, but educational. I now know what brawn means, thank you Cheeseboy. Pass the brawn! Treasure trout - yeah! Love the imagery with the explosion of flavor from defacating squid.

ScoMan said...

They all sound so good, and this post has made me hungry.

I've always thought sausages in pancakes was a good idea, but I've never tried it.

Ally said...

Kids who go to Catholic schools are lucky only in one way - they don't have a budget to serve lunch. Mom made mine for me daily.

Queenie Jeannie said...

How sadly accurate you are. School lunches in this country are gross, gross, gross!!!!

järnebrand said...

OMG that is funny. And really scary... I think I should stop complaining about the food my kids get in school...
Sausage that has been lovingly slaughtered and sliced from the best part of the cow hoof, now that sounds like a treat...! Not.
A thought-provoking post.
/Jo.

Tree said...

Ewww...gross! (I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth) I always thought we had good school lunches....maybe I was just weird! LOL

mama-face said...

my 9 year old just said a couple of days ago that he is always starving to death before lunch, but then when he gets there it is always something bad. He says this like he surprised. I guess he is an optimistic child. He gets it from me.

But it is the closest thing he gets in a day to a balanced meal.

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

Wait... you didn't tell us what your favorite is!!

Copyboy said...

Pancake sausage? I'm a sucker for those roundies. Totally delish. But hey, I wouldn't turn down the other dishes your lunch matron is serving up either.

Ms Bibi said...

I am so happy that my kids school is small and doesn't have cafeteria.

Mary said...

When I taught at a junior high school I lost 5 pounds the first 6 months because of the "gourmet" food. No wonder our youth rebels.
Mary

Lola Sharp said...

Yeah, that taco sounds gnarly.

Janelle said...

2 choices...everyday! That was unheard of in my day of school lunches. Consider yourself lucky, especially on sausage wrapped in a pancake day!

Lisa Loo said...

Treasure Trout? We never had anything called Treasure Trout. I think I may have been robbed.
My favorite was always the flying saucer in a bun--mmm, tasty.

Kelly H-Y said...

HILARIOUS!!! Cow hoof ... where do you come up with this stuff?! I had a bit of trouble eating my apple and reading the post at the same time. :-)

Hutch said...

I think I threw up in mouth a little with every mention of "ham."

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

HOld on tight here---do we work in the same school? Wait, sorry. We have chicken every.single.day.

ASBLACKASOBAMA said...

I think Jamie Oliver needs to visit your school....

FabuLeslie said...

Our cafeteria actually serves something called "cheese toast" in the mornings for breakfast. It's a deliciously soggy piece of wonder-white bread, with fluorescent-orange aged gov'mn't cheese melted on top, then carefully cooled to congealed perfection. Almost melts in your mouth. Except it doesn't have to because it's so soggy even before it gets there. Personally, I've never tried it, but I have one teacher friend who can't get enough of it! Eeewwww.

Cheeseboy said...

@ Teachingfourth - I WISH! We don't have those.

@ Mama - The "mystery meal" sounds delicious.

@ Niki - I knew you could fill me in on the New Zealand cod.

@ MiMi - They really do call them "trout treasures"

@ Just SO - Really? The milk is usually fresh.

@ Jason - I knew I could make it sound good.

@ Rachel - If I were in school, I'd never, ever eat school lunch. Ever. Ever.

@ Grammy - They put the beaks in the nuggets? I'd DIE for the beaks.

@ Noelle - Glad I could help.

@ Connie - So cool that you just quoted Billy Madison.

@ Krista - No. But I'd like to. What's it made of?

@ Scott - I knew that would put some taste images into folk's heads.

@ ScoMan - Sausage, pancake and chocolate chips are the best.

@ Ally - Catholic school sounds so much more awesome than I picture it.

@ Queenie - It is sad. Maybe someone important will see this post? I bet they are fed better in prison.

@ jarnebrande - I'd be interested to hear what they eat for lunch in other countries.

@ Tree - Throwing up a little in your mouth seems to be a common phrase when people read this post.

@ mama-face - That is pretty funny. I hope some day he is not surprised.

@ Serene - I actually don't mind the Navajo taco that much, but it probably has 2,000 calories in it.

@ Copyboy - Believe me, if you saw them, you would.

@ Bibi - Be glad. Be very, very glad.

@ Mary - "Gore - May" food is more like it. (He he, I just made that up)

@ Lola - Gnarly is actually the perfect word for it.

@ Janelle - Yeah, I don't remember having two choices either. INSANE!

@ Lisa - Flying saucer in a bun. Hmm. That makes me wonder!

@ Kelly H-Y - I don't know where I come up with this stuff. Probably my happy place.

@ Hutch - The "ham" is anything but.

@ Sara - I need to move to your school. Chicken everyday sounds much better than this crap they push in front of the kids.

@ Asblackasobama - Jamie Oliver is what inspired this post actually.

@ Fabuleslie - I don't think I threw up a little in my mouth, I DID throw up a little in my mouth and on the floor and in my son's hair (sorry son). That cheese bread sounds NASTY!

Powdered Toast Man said...

mmm riblets. I want the diabetic coma!!!

Bumpkin on a Swing said...

I so needed a good laugh today. Humor at it's perfection, take a bow blog o cheese......
Love this, funny thing Friday?