Monday, April 19, 2010
How those annoying school fundraisers your kids are always bringing home got started.
- At the wrapping paper plant -
- Sir, we just received the quarterly report and our sales are way down.
- And why would that be, moron?
- It's the gift card industry man. It's booming!
- Hm. Yes, you're right. No one wraps gift cards, and even if they did, it takes very little paper. Not only that, but everyone is buying online.
- And Earth Day is coming up. No one uses paper around Earth Day. We're so screwed, Sir.
- HOLD ON! I just had a thought. Who is ALWAYS needing money?
- My X-Wife?
- No, think BIGGER.
- Not sure if there is anything bigger than my X-Wife, Sir.
- No, I am talking about millions big. Maybe even billions. I'm talking about the P... T... A... !
- We can't gift wrap the PTA, Sir. It's just not feasible. Not with all the cookies they eat at those meetings and their giant minivans.
- No no, moron. Here's what we do: We have kids - like elementary school kids - go door to door and sell our wrapping paper for us. We mark it up, like double what it's worth, and the school earns a small profit.
People simply can't turn down a mopey kid with a desperate face and a goofy haircut on their doorstep.
- It's brilliant Sir. But I have only one question: How are we going to get these kids to sell our cruddy, overpriced wrapping paper for us?
- Simple. Two ways: 1. We guilt the parents into thinking that every child at the school will be left behind and no one will go on a field trip ever again. 2. We bribe the children with cheap toys.
- What kind of cheap toys?
- Well, it could be based on how much they sell. Say they sold one roll - we'd give them like a smelly pencil or something. If they sold more than five rolls of paper, we'd give them the smelly pencil AND a coupon for a free Frosty at Wendy's.
- Amazing Sir. Simply genius. What if they sold like 50 items?
- Ah yes, the overachieving, overly-competitive type... and their kids. They are our best salesmen! We'll give them the smelly pencil, the free Frosty AND a they get a pizza party.
- Sir, a pizza party?
- Yeah, Little Caesars has it hot and ready. But one slice only per kid. ONE SLICE ONLY!
- Smart. But what about the kid that sells the most rolls?
- We'll give them a ride in my limo. My driver will love it. We'll throw down the plastic on the interior and let them have at it.
- So much wisdom you possess. I only have one other concern Sir: Going door to door is dangerous for little kids. What if the schools don't fall for it.
- Interesting quandary, but I've already thought it through...
We have their MOMS take the crap to WORK and endlessly annoy their coworkers to buy it for the sake of future of their children.
There could even be a list when they sell it to their coworkers. "Look at Bivins. He bought like 6 boxes." There will be so much guilt, everyone will buy!
- I'll have these lists run immediately.
----------------- 10 years later ---------------------------------------------------
- Sir, the wrapping paper is not selling again, even with our guilt tactics and cheap bribes.
- Hm. Interesting. Have you ever thought about the cookie dough industry?