Friday, April 30, 2010

How the recent discovery of Noah's Ark really went down.

Recently a group of Chinese "Ark-eologists" found what they believe to be the actual Noah's Ark in Turkey. Most scientists are very skeptical and some even laugh at such a claim. Nevertheless, these Chinese folks are very confident (99% so) and have released several press releases about their discovery.

- Hey Bob, you might want to come over here and take a look at this.

- Interesting Kevin, what have you found there?

Hm, it looks like some old boards and a crate or something. HEY TOM - GET OVER HERE! YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO TAKE A LOOK AT THIS!

- Hey guys, I was just digging over there by that rock. What are you looking at?

- Okay Tom, get this - we found... some boards... and a crate. A CRATE!

- Here let me take a look at those.

Yep. Just as I thought... it's the Ark.

THE ARK? THE ARK HAS BEEN FOUND!

- TOM! That's the best news ever! We've been climbing around this blasted mountain for days. All we've found is a bunch of silly string canisters and a rusted Bedazzler.

- Three cheers for Tom!
Hip Hip - HURRAY
Hip Hip - HURRAY

- What about Kevin? He's the one that found the stuff?

- Three cheers for Kevin???

- Dude, Kevin is a turd-wad. He totally forgot the mayo on my sandwich today. I bet he just tossed that crap over there while we weren't looking and said it belonged to Noah.

- Fine, don't cheer for me. Can we just go home now? I have a really bad sunburn and this dust is really bad for my asthma. Tom's got to check it anyway.

- He's right guys, before we go home, I have to send this stuff to the lab for checking. Take it to the back of my Astro Van, I'll be there in a sec. Now where is that magnifying glass and those tweezers? Will someone bring me my satchel?

Now everyone - hold your breath while I go do some checking.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - -- - - -

- OKAY EVERYONE. I HAVE INCREDIBLE NEWS! IT'S OFFICIAL - WE FOUND THE ARK!

- Dang it! Kevin WAS RIGHT?!

- I told you guys.

- Hold on Tom. How sure are you?

- Like 60% sure.

- 60%? That's it?

- Okay, like 60 - 90% sure.

- Oh. Better I guess.

- No, 99% sure. I'm 99% sure.

HURRAY FOR TOM! TOM'S THE MAN! THREE MORE CHEERS FOR TOM!

- So Tom, how do you know for sure?

- The second board I looked at had a N.A. pecked into it. Probably the work of a woodpecker.

- More like TWO woodpeckers.

-Right.

- Call the press. We found the ark!

- Who's got John Stossel's cell?

29 comments:

Kristina P. said...

This is so much cooler than stupid Harrison Ford.

Ally said...

Dude, you said "Who's got John Stossel's cell?" Ha ha ha!


FourthGradeNothing.com

Nubian said...

Just found your blog ~ fanned, favorite, love it, hysterical ~ I know there are more words, but my wine induced brain isn't keeping up right now ;D

Marnie said...

I love this! Thanks :0)

Mamma has spoken said...

I find it funny and interesting that every few years, someone finds what they believe is Noah's ark. Many will debate whiether it is or isn't the ark, many will take samples of the wood and carbon date it with various results. Many will look at the 'tool' marks and debate what made the marks. After it is all said in done, no one can say for certain if it is or isn't. And then it comes back to a matter of faith which is where it all started from to begin with: looking for confirmation of it all being true....

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

Whoa! I didn't know Tom was a Chinese name!? :D

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

This flooded me with laughter of biblical proportions.
Thanks, silly Cheeseboy.
xoRobyn

Mary said...

too funny!

Powdered Toast Man said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Teachinfourth said...

I know this is TOTALLY real, after all, just the other day I found Hitler's spatula in the backyard...

Powdered Toast Man said...

I know Tom personally and he is a jerk, he is always taking credit for my discoveries. Just last week I found a fiver in my pocket and he was telling everyone that he found it.

3 cheers for Noah!!

(I hope this works for you)

Mr. Stupid said...

I enjoyed it. Actually, I laughed till my Dog decided to drop by my room and stare at me!
Have a good day...:)

Joann Mannix said...

Just this morning, Jesus appeared in my pancake. Watch for me on the news. John Stossel is headed over.

And Bob and Kevin? Where's Chen Lin and Huang Li? If these guys want us to believe they've found the ark and they're Chinese, they might want to work on those names. I'm just sayin.'

Kelly said...

This story is amazing, however I think you should have used names like Ping and Mr Woo. Then it would have more than 60% accuracy in my book.

FabuLeslie said...

Ha! "Ark-eologists....Astro Van....John Stossel's cell..."

I have once again found evidence that you are a comedic genius, Cheeseboy. Seriously. Thanks for the laughs.

Debbie said...

That is too funny! And very probable:)

Queenie Jeannie said...

Cute!

tammy said...

N.A. - totally seals the deal.

Krista said...

hip hip HOOWAAY!!

mama-face said...

An Astro Van. bwahaha. As old as the Ark I do believe.

Beth said...

Chinese guys named Tom and Kevin? I don't think so!

ScoMan said...

I love that the religious people are using carbon dating to say "Yep, it's the ark."

The same religious people who say carbon dating is not an exact science, and that if you carbon date something it will give you a window of tens of thousands of years but scientists just pick the bit that matches their theory.

You can't have it both ways.

Connie said...

I hope that when I go to China in June, the names I hear will be Bob, Tom and Kevin.

I don't think I'd trust Tom on this one!

imbeingheldhostage said...

I've seen Kevin! He was on that "Up" movie with Ed Asner.

MiMi said...

Are Tom and Kevin's last names at least Chang or something?
Okay, that was rude.
They should have called Geraldo.

Cheeseboy said...

@ Kristina - Harrison Ford WISHES he found the ark.

@ Ally - I bet Stossel has one of those HUGE old fashioned cells.

@ Nubian - THANKS! I think more people should visit with a wine induced brain.

@ Marnie - Thanks!

@ Mama - Yes, in two more years, they will have found a new ark.

@ Serene - just so everyone knows, I was going to use Chinese names, but every draft I wrote, the names came off as super racist. So I decided to scrap that idea all together and I thought it would be funnier if I used American names for Chinese people. I probably should have stuck with the Chinese names.

@ Rawkn - You are so very punny.

@ Mary - Thanks!

@ Teachinfourth - Funniest comment ever!

@ Powdered Toast - You are a PG-13 mastermind.

@ Mr. Stupid - I always love your comments.

@ Joann - Pancake Jesus? I am not sure my school's cafeteria has heard about those!

@ Kelly - See above comment.

@ Fabuleslie - Why thank you. I can't take credit for Ark-eologist though. It was on the video I watched about the find.

@ Debbie - Probable, yes.

@ Queenie - Cute is my middle name.

@ Tammy - That's what I thought when they showed it to me.

@ Krista - LOL!

@ Mama-face - This was inspired by the Astro van my parents owned when I was a kid.

@ Beth - See above comment.

@ ScoMan - Very, very true.

@ Connie - It's interesting because all of the people from India I talk to on the phone have names like Bob and Tom.

@ Hostage - Ha ha! That's Kevin.

@ Mimi - Geraldo would have been much more funny.

Rachel said...

And here I thought you were going to tell us that the mountain was actually petrified crap from all of those animals......

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

It's okay you didn't use Chinese names. I was just giving you a hard time. =)

ASBLACKASOBAMA said...

We named our son Noah.... Every time we tell people his name, they say 'Oh, after Noah's Ark?'

No no.... Just because we like the name Noah....