- I think I want a piece of gum. Mom hates it when I eat gum. I really like gum. I'm going to ask her for some gum. What can it hurt? It's just gum and mom loves me.
"Can I have gum mom?"
Oh chicken-poop! That didn't work. No, that went badly. Very badly. Time to try plan R. Wait, what letter comes after A? Well, here goes...
"But I REALLY want gum."
"No. Dad will be home soon and we will be eating dinner."
Grr. Nothing gets by this woman. She is too smart. She is like the DJ Lance of mommies. No, she's worse. She is like the Dr. Octopus of mommies. I know... I'll try screaming. Screaming is fail proof. It works every time, except the times it doesn't, which is almost every time.
"MOM - I WANT A PIECE OF GUM!!!"
"No. And screaming is not going to help."
Wow. She is stoic. Stoic AND unwavering. She's not the Dr. Octopus of mommies. No, she's the Mr. Crab of mommies - what with her vicious claws and loads of money.
I hate to pull it out this early, but I'm desperate. She needs to see the tears. The tears will be my savior.
"Mommy. [sniff] I WANT A PIECE OF GUM! WAAAAAA!"
"NO CALDER! I TOLD YOU NO. WE ARE NOT HAVING GUM RIGHT NOW!"
Is her heart made of steel? Is she even human? But... I knew it! I knew I could get a rise out of her. All it took was a mild outburst and now she is tittering on the brink. And now, for the final touch - the resolute, virile tantrum. She'll never know what hit her.
"I WANT A PIECE OF GUM. NOW! I WANT GUM! MOM, I WANT GUM. GUM, GUM GUM."
"CALDER - NO! YOU ARE NOT HAVING A PIECE OF GUM. YOU HAVE TO GO TO TIME OUT!"
Why does she always put me on my bed? I love my bed. I know what would really drive her over the top. I'm going to sit here and goof around and play like nothing ever happened. Wait, is that the door? DAD'S HOME! Mom went downstairs. Hmm...
"DAD! DAD! I MISSED YOU! I LOVE YOU!"
"Ah. Hi Calder. I missed you too. How was your day?"
"Can I have a piece of gum?"
"Sure. Do you want the hot kind or the not hot kind?"
"Not hot daddy."
"Okay, let me get you some. Here you go. Did you have a good day?"
"Yeah daddy. Thanks for the gum!"
He he he. When mom comes upstairs I am going to stick my gum out at her in a mocking fashion. She totally deserves it. He he he... here she comes.
"Look at this mom!"
"DID YOU GIVE HIM THAT PIECE OF GUM!?"
"What? Yes? Why?"
"Why? What? What?"
- He he. I win. I always win. I've successfully turned them against each other. Tomorrow I will finally get to eat that candy bar I've had my eye on in the cupboard.