Tuesday, April 6, 2010

How to sucessfully obtain a piece of gum. [From the mind of my four-year-old son, Calder]

- I think I want a piece of gum. Mom hates it when I eat gum. I really like gum. I'm going to ask her for some gum. What can it hurt? It's just gum and mom loves me.

"Can I have gum mom?"

"No."

Oh chicken-poop! That didn't work. No, that went badly. Very badly. Time to try plan R. Wait, what letter comes after A? Well, here goes...

"Pleeeeeeeease mom?"

"No."

"But I REALLY want gum."

"No. Dad will be home soon and we will be eating dinner."

Grr. Nothing gets by this woman. She is too smart. She is like the DJ Lance of mommies. No, she's worse. She is like the Dr. Octopus of mommies. I know... I'll try screaming. Screaming is fail proof. It works every time, except the times it doesn't, which is almost every time.

"MOM - I WANT A PIECE OF GUM!!!"

"No. And screaming is not going to help."

Wow. She is stoic. Stoic AND unwavering. She's not the Dr. Octopus of mommies. No, she's the Mr. Crab of mommies - what with her vicious claws and loads of money.

I hate to pull it out this early, but I'm desperate. She needs to see the tears. The tears will be my savior.


"Mommy. [sniff] I WANT A PIECE OF GUM! WAAAAAA!"

"NO CALDER! I TOLD YOU NO. WE ARE NOT HAVING GUM RIGHT NOW!"

Is her heart made of steel? Is she even human? But... I knew it! I knew I could get a rise out of her. All it took was a mild outburst and now she is tittering on the brink. And now, for the final touch - the resolute, virile tantrum. She'll never know what hit her.

"I WANT A PIECE OF GUM. NOW! I WANT GUM! MOM, I WANT GUM. GUM, GUM GUM."

"CALDER - NO! YOU ARE NOT HAVING A PIECE OF GUM. YOU HAVE TO GO TO TIME OUT!"

Why does she always put me on my bed? I love my bed. I know what would really drive her over the top. I'm going to sit here and goof around and play like nothing ever happened. Wait, is that the door? DAD'S HOME! Mom went downstairs. Hmm...

"DAD! DAD! I MISSED YOU! I LOVE YOU!"

"Ah. Hi Calder. I missed you too. How was your day?"

"Can I have a piece of gum?"

"Sure. Do you want the hot kind or the not hot kind?"

"Not hot daddy."

"Okay, let me get you some. Here you go. Did you have a good day?"

"Yeah daddy. Thanks for the gum!"

He he he. When mom comes upstairs I am going to stick my gum out at her in a mocking fashion. She totally deserves it. He he he... here she comes.

"Look at this mom!"

"DID YOU GIVE HIM THAT PIECE OF GUM!?"

"What? Yes? Why?"

[Moan]

"Why? What? What?"

- He he. I win. I always win. I've successfully turned them against each other. Tomorrow I will finally get to eat that candy bar I've had my eye on in the cupboard.

20 comments:

Kristina P. said...

SO you are the cool, fun dad. Excellent!

Bossy Betty said...

Oh, that face! I would have given him the gum too....

Cheeseboy said...

Cool and fun? I'd like to think so, but I wish my boys thought so.

Tammy said...

If I close my eyes I can totally picture this scene in my head! Especially Cathi saying "No. And screaming won't help". And I can also see you coming home and giving him the gum and her rolling her eyes :).

Tammy said...

P.S. I see you do your best to reply to the lovely people who comment on here so you should hope you never reach 100 readers. Can you imagine how long your comment would be :) ?

DeNae said...

Poor dads. You walk into it every time, don't you?

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

I was laughing throughout this. He's so devilishly cute, and he's working you both. I would've given him a couple packs myself.
Cheers,
Robyn

Kate said...

And your wife didn't punch you right in the face? This is a weird story.

Noelle said...

Your blog is fast becoming my favorite thing to read when I'm suffering from insomnia.

It's 1:29 am and I'm laughing out loud!!!

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

I'm thinkin' you and my husband must be genetically linked somehow....

Melinda said...

"Chicken poop!"

Hahahaha! I'm going to start saying that when I don't get my way. And this is so spot on, kids are so devious!

GrammyMouse said...

Ahh, the old mom vs/Dad theory...
well it worked this time! smart boy, and too stinking cute :)
And what is this??? you a teacher not knowing about origins of Easter!
(must tell all class now, laughing very evilly)

Alicia said...

ha! you and my husband are cut from the same cloth then...that sneaky guy is always sneaking the kids some form of prohibited treat!

Cheeseboy said...

@ Bossy - His face is all mommy.

@ Tammy - I would happily respond to 100 comments.

@ DeNae - Yes, we dads do need more sympathy for stupid stuff we do.

@ Rawkn - He would eat your two packs in about 2 minutes.

@ Kate - I deserved it. She should have punched me.

@ Noelle - Thanks. You probably have to either have insomnia or be drunk to enjoy this blog... I wouldn't know, I haven't had either. Glad you like it though.

@ Serene - Is your husband extra hairy too? There could be a connection.

@ Chicken poop is better than what he WAS saying.

@ Grammy - Well, I knew the origins of Easter, just not the bunny and the eggs and all that jazz.

@ Alecia - you don't even want to know what I give the boys when their mom is NOT home!

tammy said...

So what did your time out consist of?

Queenie Jeannie said...

This just explains so much around here....

elesa said...

I feel so enlightened. I always thought my kid wasn't listening, or wasn't understanding, but now I can clearly see that he both listens and understands, he just has no intention of giving up until I give him what he wants. Darn it.

Cheeseboy said...

@ Tammy - I had to sit on my bed too. It was awesome.

@ Queenie - Your kids won't trick you again, now that you have my secrets. For only $19.99, I will send you a book with all the kid's secrets in them.

@ Elese - Sounds like your kid and mine should be best pals. Think of all the gum they could garner together.

Sco said...

Haha! He's got it figured out already...

Teachinfourth said...

Your son is a kick in the pants…love the photos.