Saturday, April 24, 2010

How they choose the women for "The Bachelor".

Please honestly complete the following questionnaire and return to the creepy bearded man at the desk.

1. Are you single?

- Yes (Continue to question 2.)
- No (Stop now and return this to the creepy, bony bearded man at the front desk.)

2. How many times have you been married?

- 0 (Continue to question 3.)
- 1-2 (Continue to question 3.)
- 3-4 (Lie and circle one of the above answers and then continue to question 3.)

3. How many STD's do you currently have?

- 0 (Stop now and return this to the flesh colored bearded man at the front desk with the butterfly tattoo on his middle back.)
- 1 (Continue to question 4 if it is not contagious.)
- 1, but it is contagious (Continue to question 4.)
-2 + (Continue to question 4.)

4. On a scale of 1- 10, how desperate are you exactly?

- 0-5 (Stop now and return this to the flesh colored bearded man at the front desk with the butterfly tattoo and the Wendy style ponytails in his hair.)
- 6-8 (Continue to question 5.)
- 8 - 10 (Stop here. You're hired.)

5. How many distinguishable physical flaws do you have?

- 0 (Honestly, you are too good for this show; but feel free to come back in December when we are casting for the lead in "The Bachelorette")
- 1 (Continue to question 6.)
- 2 (Unless you are planning on plastic surgery before the show starts, stop here and take this to the creepy bearded man at the front desk with a fake parrot on his shoulder.)

6. How prone are you to crying?

- Not at all. (Stop here and return this to the creepy bearded man at the front desk with the dripping, open sores on his neck.)
- Somewhat (Continue to question 7 if you can turn "somewhat" into "always".
-Always (Continue on to question 7.)

7. Are you open to arguing with other girls, sometimes including playful pillow fights?

- Yes (Continue to question 8.)
- No (Stop here and take this directly to the creepy bearded guy at the front desk with the overactive bladder that is wearing an adult diaper.)

8. If the Bachelor selects you, do you expect to get married?

- Yes (Continue to question 9.)
- No (Continue to question 9.)

9. Are you opposed to making out (or beyond) in a hot tub that other women have also made out (or beyond) in?

- Yes (Continue to the final question.)
-No (Stop here and take this directly to the creepy, bearded man at the front desk that has used mascara to make whiskers on his chin.)

10. Could you read this questionnaire?

- Yes (Take this directly to the creepy, bearded man at the front desk wearing the grass skirt and coconut bra.)
- No (Congratulations, you're hired! The bearded man is actually Ryan Callahan, Producer of The Bachelor. He has a few more "questions" to ask you. You'll need to put on this bikini and meet him in the hot tub out back.)

And no, it is not a time traveling hot tub.

** Note to readers: No I do NOT watch The Bachelor. I have only seen the commercials, but the commercials alone provided enough information for this post. And for reading this far - all of you get a rose!


Ally said...

Awesome post. Too funny! "How desperate are you?" and "How prone are you to crying?" Classic.

Ally said...

PS Jason Bateman was on Little House, that was where I first discovered him as a little girl. Check it:

Vagabond Teacher said...

There's also a makeup test. A ruler held up to the face should sink at least three inches into the makeup before hitting acutal flesh

Tammy said...

It's obvious you don't watch "The Bachelor". Otherwise you wouldn't forget the most important question of all which is "Would you accept an invitation from Chris (the host) to spend the night in the Fantasy Suite even though you know the Bachelor will be doing the exact same thing with two other women"?

Kristina P. said...

Hahahaha. Oh, man, I love this so much.

I posted on my blog about how the criteria for Bret Michael's Rock of Love was an STD and a brain injury.

The brain injury requirement really takes ot a step above The Bachelor.

Love Tammy's comment.

Teachinfourth said...

Wow, it looks like I have really been missing out on some really good stuff by not watching television…your post most certainly convinced to to keep it that way.

Tgoette said...

Excellent post! I think another question that could be asked of the girls is "If you are chosen as the winner, which month would you like your nude photo layout to appear in Playboy?". LOL!

Mr. Stupid said...

HAHA. Awesome post. Very funny. Maybe, we were blog buddies until we landed on Mars. That was when the Aliens realized we were not one of them!
Thanks for dropping by my blog. I am your newest follower. Drum roll... cough... Drum roll!


Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

No, you nailed the quality of the women perfect. They might also qualify for the Rock of Love show, too.

Joann Mannix said...

You know what's weird? That I've just finished reading Ally's blog and then I come over here and I'm reading your hysterical post about The Bachelor and I get to the comments and the conversation picks back up about Jason Bateman. This is one small blogger world we inhabit.

I don't watch the show, either, but my sister saw one of the Bachelor dudes interviewed. He admitted to having sex with several of the girls vying for him. The desperation on that show is mind-boggling!

mama-face said...

Who knew they went through such a rigorous process to select those bimbos? And really, you don't need to watch the show to get the full effect. I think.

Bossy Betty said...

Thank you for my rose and by the way, I put bricks in the pillows for my pillow fights. Do I get on now?

Ms Bibi said...

OMG, that's hilarious. Thanks for my morning chuckles.

The questionnaire is the reason why I no longer watch the Bachelor.I don't think the girls can be more fake then they are.

Green-Eyed Momster said...

I don't watch the show either but your post made me want to.

Thanks! I needed the laugh today.

Nancy C said...

I love this. Let's get married. See, I could be on the Bachelor!

Diane J. said...

The mystery is solved! I don't watch the show, but I've seen the ads and I've always wondered how they find such dysfunctional people.

Mamma has spoken said...

This also works for 'Rock of Love' 'Frank the Entertainer' 'I Love New York' and whatever Flavorflave's shows were. Yes, I watch too much MTV and VH1....

imbeingheldhostage said...

Wow. I'm not feeling bad at all that some shows haven't broken into UK TV just yet...

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

While I've never seen the show, I too have seen the commercials for it and have to wonder how they manage to fit so many plastic surgery and fake tanned bodies into such a small place! Today's miracles... just amazing.

Krista said...

I would have never qualified as a cast member. They need to do one for a polygamist and narrow it down to the top five. Now that would be fun!

MiMi said...

And can you curse and talk behind everyone's back? Yes? Good, you're in. You'll win.

Scarlet of Moms Wear Your Tees. com said...

You are so funny!! Love your humor.
Following from FF!
I'd love it if you stop by my blog at
and follow if you like it.

MBGITWWR said...

Hahahaha! I have to say this post gave me a good belly chuckle! Thanks for checking in on my lonely blog. I'm excited to read your other creative tales. :)

Connie said...

The bearded man at the front desk is a quick-change artist!!
I've watched it once and that was enough for me!

Natasha said...

I'm here from Teach in Fourth's blog. This post is too funny!

Amy said...

I'm with you on that show. I've watched it once and that was enough for me. There's better things to visit blogs of people I don't know! ;)

Kelly said...

I love your post about the Bachelor. Those women are crazy nuts for wanting the entire world to see them looking desperate. But the heart wants what the heart wants I guess (loads of attention!)

PS came from teachinforth... Love me some cheese!

A Lark said...

Your blog was recommended to me by a friend and I love it! This was hilarious. Although I am a bit disappointed that I wouldn't qualify.... OK I'm really not. It's so much more fun to make fun of the people on the show.

Cheeseboy said...

@ Ally - Thanks. You have such cool connections, or at least you did. Jason Bateman is one of my favorite actors now. He is quite funny in almost everything he is in.

@ Teacher - Ha ha! Every one of those women deserve a ruler to the face.

@ Tammy - I have no idea what you are talking about, you're right. Although your comment seems very popular with the ladies here.

@ Kristina - HA HA! Well, it turns out that Brett Michaels has the brain injury! Too soon???

@ Teachinfourth - Yep. Definitely not missing much.

@ Tgotte - Ha ha! That definitely could have been question number 11.

@ Mr. Stupid - Your name is so great. Glad the aliens refused us.

@ Alex- I think the Rock of Love girls are actually the girls that DON'T make The Bachelor. Bachelor rejects.

@ Joann - Yes, Ally is a great blogger. Glad I found her. Ha ha, you referred to the girls as "quality."

@ Mama-face - It really is quite rigorous.

@ Bossy - Had I known about the bricks, I would have pushed you straight through.

@ Ms Bibli - I think there is more fake about those girls than real.

@ Green-Eyed - Yeah, still don't watch. You'll regret it, I'm sure.

@ Nancy - You're a natural!

@ Diane - "disfunctional" is too kind.

@ Mama Has Spoken - Hm, I wouldn't know, but I am sure you are right.

@ Hostage - AS you should be. As you should be.

@ Serene - those are fake tans?! I changed my mind, these women are ALL fake.

@ Krista - That is hilarious! THAT I would watch.

@ Mimi - Cursing is important. Either cursing or being able to say BEEP a lot.

@ Scarlette - Are you a real person? Your blog is just an advertisment for stuff.

@ MGB... - Belly laugh is EXACTLY the response I was looking for.

@ Connie - The bearded man is amazing. I haven't even watched once and that was enough for me.

@ Natasha - Thanks for visiting. Teachinfourth has some funny stuff. Different style, but it is tough to keep up with him.

@ Amy -Yep. You are correct.

@ Kelly - Thanks for visiting too! I always welcome cheese lovers.

@ A Lark - You're friend must have a strange sense of humor to send you here, but I am glad he/she did. Please, visit anytime and comment!

ScoMan said...

Damn. I was almost in until that question about getting married.

I was far too moral to lie on that question which is a shame, because if I had it in me to pick either of the two alternatives I would have made a great woman on the bachelor.

I would have had a surprise for the bachelor at the end too.

Farmers Wife said...

Okay so I think you secretly love this show because you are very knowledgeable and spot on. Go on confess....promise I won't tell...

järnebrand said...

Well, I think filling out that questionnaire seem way to difficult, and I am a little afraid of that bearded man, to tell you the truth. So, I guess I won't be starring in the Bachelor...
Too bad, I am sure my Swedish accent would have sounded awfully cute and exotic... ;) /Jo.

Robin said...

LMAO...very funny..I dont really watch that show...and for good reason according to these...Lolol..!..I wish there were teachers like you when I was in school...I had my own corner for making too many would have appreciated me..!!

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

This is perfect, Cheeseboy. How did you get a copy of the actual questionnaire? I hope you didn't have to do any favors for the creepy bearded man.

Noelle said...

Dear Cheeseboy...

You always make me laugh...

A girl I went to high school was on The Bachelor was just too much...

Anne said...

LMAO! The "how prone are you to crying" made me snort. Awesome.

Pedaling said...

seriously do not get the popularity of this show.
at my house we call it
sluts on parade!

Just SO said...

Thus the reason why I don't watch the bachelor and instead read awesome blogs such as this.

Coming here from the challenge over at Teachinfourth's place...Plus I've seen your comments elsewhere and was curious.

Danielle said...

HIL---AR---IOUS!!! (why does the guy at the desk keep getting creepier!!??)

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said... own rose! and no creepy man with a fake parrot!!

Lisa Loo said...

Reason #786 that I am not sad that we get just 3 whole channels here in nowhere. This stuff makes even the Price is Right look palatable. We do get that little gem out here. Thank you for this informative, yet insightful piece--sometimes its good to know what I'm missing!

(Oh--and I'm sure you say this to all your blog buddies but your comment on my blog totally made my day--{sniff}

Tammy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tammy said...

And one more thing to educate you Abe . . .
when it gets down to the last 3 girls they get individual dates with the Bachelor. Each night they get a card from Chris asking them if they want to for-go their individual rooms and spend the night together in the fantasy suite. I'm pretty sure that 99.9% of the women go to the fantasy suite and though I've always had to guess what happens there, last season on "Bachelorette" they pretty much came right out to say it was sexual because the guy couldn't perform.

Queenie Jeannie said...

A ROSE!!! Yay! He picked me!!!!

*eye roll*

I actually watched the very first season and was so turned off by it, never watched it again.

Powdered Toast Man said...

If they can't read how will they know what to do?

I love creepy bearded men wearing adult diapers with a parrot on their shoulder singing part of a hoe down.


We all know that the only way to find true love is through a TV dating show.... It's the only way.

See Mom Smile said...

I will gladly accept a rose, or a dozen, for all the hours I have spent of my life, watching the Bachelor. It is a truly disatisfying experience. Can't wait for the next season!!

tiburon said...

LOVE this post - Too funny!

Found you from teachin's magic post.

I might just be back ;)