I had a meeting the other night. A teacher meeting. This stuff happens when you are a teacher.
I got there early and sat at a table, alone. Five minutes later a woman, in her late 40's sits next to me.
She might have been in her early 50’s.
No, she might have been in her late 40’s. She looked like she possibly could have done a lot of meth in her past.
She is wearing a low cut blouse and bedazzled jeans. Her purse was also bedazzled beyond belief. The bedazzlement was abundant. There was more bedazzlement on her jeans than Shannon Daugherty has sappy moments on the Lifetime movie network.
This woman could actually have a meth/bedazzler lab in her basement.
A lot of people don’t know this, but bedazzling is just a gateway to meth. And both are a gateway to getting your own feature on peopleofwalmart.com.
Soon, this woman is talking to me. Shortly after, she is joined by her large, loud, mustached friend.
The mustached friend is also woman. (At least I think she was.)
We begin to have a conversation about why Miss 50-year-old bedazzled missed the first week of class.
RECENTLY ENHANCED BEDAZZLEMENT: Oh, I was getting ELECTIVE surgery.
MUSTACHED SALLY: Yeah? What did you have done?
RECENTLY ENHANCED BEDAZZLEMENT: (She puts her hands out in front of her chest.) "ELECTIVE SURGERY!”
My interest has peaked. This conversation now has my full attention.
The entire cast of Jersey Shore could have been greasing up in that classroom and I wouldn’t have noticed. For all I know, Snookie got punched in the face.
MUSTACHED SALLY: Oh wow.
RECENTLY ENHANCED BEDAZZLEMENT: Yeah, had some liposuction done while they were at it.
(Recently enhanced bedazzlement then looks intently at me.)
RECENTLY ENHANCED BEDAZZLEMENT:Do you guys want to see them? I can show you during the break.
She is smiling. Why is she smiling?!
MY MOUTH: Uh, uh, uh... no I'm good.
MY BRAIN: NO! NO NO NO. SO GROSS, SO GROSS, SOOOOO GROSS!
- Mustached Salley then went to the bathroom with Recently Enhanced Bedazzlement.
I decided to not go to the bathroom with Recently Enhanced Bedazzlement.
I still have my innocence.
20 minutes into class, Bedazzled 50-year-old’s cell phone blazes Ludacris's "My Chick Bad" and everyone turns and looks at our table.
A Dolly Parton song would have been more fitting.
**This is a family blog, please keep comments appropriate… unless you use a lot of euphemisms so that I am the only one that knows what the heck you are talking about.