Thursday, April 15, 2010

What the lewd, bedazzled lady say to the unsullied, goofy First Grade teacher. Life will never be the same.

I had a meeting the other night. A teacher meeting. This stuff happens when you are a teacher.

I got there early and sat at a table, alone. Five minutes later a woman, in her late 40's sits next to me.

She might have been in her early 50’s.

No, she might have been in her late 40’s. She looked like she possibly could have done a lot of meth in her past.

She is wearing a low cut blouse and bedazzled jeans. Her purse was also bedazzled beyond belief. The bedazzlement was abundant. There was more bedazzlement on her jeans than Shannon Daugherty has sappy moments on the Lifetime movie network.

This woman could actually have a meth/bedazzler lab in her basement.

A lot of people don’t know this, but bedazzling is just a gateway to meth. And both are a gateway to getting your own feature on peopleofwalmart.com.

Soon, this woman is talking to me. Shortly after, she is joined by her large, loud, mustached friend.

The mustached friend is also woman. (At least I think she was.)

We begin to have a conversation about why Miss 50-year-old bedazzled missed the first week of class.

RECENTLY ENHANCED BEDAZZLEMENT: Oh, I was getting ELECTIVE surgery.

MUSTACHED SALLY: Yeah? What did you have done?

RECENTLY ENHANCED BEDAZZLEMENT: (She puts her hands out in front of her chest.) "ELECTIVE SURGERY!”

My interest has peaked. This conversation now has my full attention.

The entire cast of Jersey Shore could have been greasing up in that classroom and I wouldn’t have noticed. For all I know, Snookie got punched in the face.

MUSTACHED SALLY: Oh wow.

RECENTLY ENHANCED BEDAZZLEMENT: Yeah, had some liposuction done while they were at it.

(Recently enhanced bedazzlement then looks intently at me.)

RECENTLY ENHANCED BEDAZZLEMENT:Do you guys want to see them? I can show you during the break.

She is smiling. Why is she smiling?!

MY MOUTH: Uh, uh, uh... no I'm good.

MY BRAIN: NO! NO NO NO. SO GROSS, SO GROSS, SOOOOO GROSS!

- Mustached Salley then went to the bathroom with Recently Enhanced Bedazzlement.

I decided to not go to the bathroom with Recently Enhanced Bedazzlement.

I still have my innocence.

20 minutes into class, Bedazzled 50-year-old’s cell phone blazes Ludacris's "My Chick Bad" and everyone turns and looks at our table.

A Dolly Parton song would have been more fitting.

**This is a family blog, please keep comments appropriate… unless you use a lot of euphemisms so that I am the only one that knows what the heck you are talking about.

35 comments:

Debbie said...

Oh my word. You had me rolling with this. I loved the pathway from bedazzling to Walmart:)

Chaka said...

Great post. I just came across the people of Walmart site last week and after seeing only 5 pictures was diagnosed with severe depression. Did she really offer to show you?

Kristina P. said...

Speaking of bedazzling and surgery, you should look up Vajazzling. It's awesome.

Janelle said...

I shall teach my children never to bedazzle as it leads to meth! Thank you for the insight!

Thanks for stopping by my blog. Yours is pretty hilarious!

DeNae said...

Who was this woman? A teacher? A parent? A refugee? Here in Vegas it isn't uncommon to have moms who are openly prostitutes, pole dancers, etc., all traipsing through the school in what for them passes for a full wardrobe and for the middle aged Mormon lady subbing the music class looks like the last three kleenexes in the box.

I wouldn't have flinched over Senora Bedazzler and her chest o' fame.

(And isn't Kristina just a constant source of new things to Google??)

FabuLeslie said...

Ha! Sign me up for a tour of the meth/bedazzle lab. I wonder if Bryan Cranston could work out something like that and the writers could work it into Breaking Bad... I love that show! I'd also like to get my hands on a copy of the safety procedures of the meth/bedazzle lab. I bet that's a tough combination of things to be safe around. P.S. Did anyone see the gag Bryan Cranston did on the daily show with his fake autobiography entitled... "My Life is a Meth" ?

Funny post! I can see it all unfolding so clearly in that teacher meeting kind of way.

Lindsay @ Just My Blog said...

Oh my goodness!!! I could totally see this playing out too. I'm loving it!!

Mamma has spoken said...

You're at a teachers' meeting which means she was a teacher too? Oh I've seen some of those bedazzle ones before, they usually teach preschool or kindergarten because, you know, their fashion sense is on that level (JK).
Came by your blog viva Jason's. Had to join just to get you 4 away from that dumpster ;o)

Bossy Betty said...

Some of my students often shown their bedazzled thongs as they sit down, but I think this beats that....

tammy said...

Crap. I just found out I'm about to start using meth.

Lene said...

Double crap...Tammy is probably going to be my meth supplier.

Did you shower after sharing a table with her...you probably should have.

Ashlee said...

Was this other lady a teacher? Please say no...PLEASE say no.

Also, on the subject of meth... I saw this special on it once and it actually looked quite appealing :) You can stay up for days at a time and get all kinds of things accomplished. I told Corey I wanted to give it a try but he said 'no,' do you think if I bedazzled I could get a similar high?

MiMi said...

Okay wait.
Was either one of them a teacher too??
Wonder what they teach...maybe chemistry.

Cheeseboy said...

Okay everyone, I will respond to you each individually tomorrow BUT to answer everyone's question:

Mustached woman teaches Jr. High. Enhanced bedazzled is a high school tutor that was taking the endorsement class to get certified to teach.

May the Lord help us all if she ever gets hired.

Oh how I hope they don't find this blog.

Tammy said...

Even if these two lovely ladies found your blog, they probably wouldn't have the sense to know you are talking about them!

I always wanted a bedazzler. Never got it :(

Melinda said...

Yikes. I don't know what the "big" deal is, she's just "enhancing" her life. On a "higher" level. Don't "knock" it. Hey is it a little "nipply" in here? Sorry, I hate the cold, I'm just such a "boob."

Pedaling said...

perfect description, right down to "cell phone blazes Ludacris's "My Chick Bad"

dude, how do you do it?

Unknown Mami said...

Darn it, now I'll always wonder if she had bedazzled the "girls" too.

Teachinfourth said...

It just so happens that "bedazzled' is my aunt and Mustache Sally is my cousin twice removed. I'll be forwarding this post to both of them forthwith.

By the way, tell Aunt Blanche I said hello when you see her again, will you?

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

Eh hem. I would just like to say, NASTY! Move over lice, bedazzling's the REAL reason my mom homeschooled me!

Alicia said...

goo. yikes. blech. i'm a visual person and lets just say this post left me with a very shiny and disturbing visual with an odd soundtrack!! fingers are crossed that the bedazzled wonder never teaches my wee ones!!

imbeingheldhostage said...

What about Bling Cheeseboy? Is that the narrow path to destruction too? Please tell me I don't have to throw my face glitter away, you already have me feeling self conscious in my skinny jeans.

-your mid-forties blog friend sans enhancements ;-)

Givinya De Elba said...

Oh my. Cheeseboy. That is too much to handle in a teacher meeting, and I admire you for not running, screaming from the building.

And ... wangle your turds? TANGLE YOUR WORDS!!! My sister and I have recently suffered an acute but severe attack of unintentional spoonerisms. It's getting to be whore than I can mandle.

järnebrand said...

Funny. :) Life as a teacher sure is exciting... Let's hope she doesn't get hired to work there, though. :) /Jo.

Queenie Jeannie said...

If this is the parent....what is the student like??? Poor doomed soul...

Sco said...

So they weren't real. And it sounds like they weren't spectacular... (Seinfeld fans?!) Heaven forbid that woman teaches middle school boys or high school boys. I can just imagine the news headlines now...

Vanessa said...

Of COURSE it was an aide. When you are only paying your aides 6 bucks an hour, this is the high quality caliber people that apply for said jobs. And we let her work with our children.

The aide that I oversaw when I taught in the wonderful world of Special Ed, stole candy from my reward stash, told the kids all the answers and broke into my email and read all the nasty things I wrote about her.

I would have rather had some bedazzling.

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Wow. Huh, I think we have her twin here at my school though. In a creepier way.

The Empress said...

No freakin' way!!!


Hilarious post. Love it, "meth/bedazzler lab"

Just hilarious...

Lori said...

Um, I'm pretty sure Ashley had "mustached woman" as her computer teacher earlier this year. The description fits her and I'll just say she's the type that would have LOVED to see bedazzled's enhancements. ;)

Nancy C said...

That's funny, because that woman is talking loudly on her cell phone during my son's tee ball practice. She really gets around.

Cheeseboy said...

@ Debbie - I think Walmart is a giant lab of bedazzlement.

@ Chaka - Yes, she offered to show me. I am still shaking with fear.

@ Kristina - I think I know where you are going with this and I might have to pass.

@ Janelle - That's what I'm here for. To educate parents on important parenting tips.

@ DeNae - Ha ha! She may also have been a pole dancer. But it would have to have been a pretty desperate strip club.

@ Fabuleslie - I did see that Daily Show! So funny. And I don't think you want to tour the lab... the bedazzlements could kill you.

@ Lindsay - It was not pretty.

@ Mama - That's great, but who is Jason? Also, you come for the dumpster, but you'll stay for the awesomeness.

@ Bossy - Bedazzled thongs? That is bedazzled insane!

@ Tammy1 - HA! Meth alone is fine, it's when you combine it with a bedazzler, that's when it gets dangerous.

@ Lene - I can vouch for Tammy. She is a great dealer. Always on time. I didn't shower, but I was wearing a bedazzler proof suit, so there was that.

@ Ashlee - You and Corey should try it for his birthday!

@ Mimi - Ha! Maybe. One did teach Junior High.

@ Tammy2 - I'm sure your dad could find a bedazzler... somewhere.

@ Melinda - Now THAT is what I am talking about. Great use of euphemisms. No baby yet?

@ Pedaling - Ludacris's "My Chick Bad" is actually my prom song. That is why it made me so mad!

@ Mami - That might be painful, but doable.

@ Teachinfourth - Wow, you are so well connected. Blanche was always the hottest Golden Girl by the way. I hope I didn't just offend you.

@ Serene - You'll never want to set foot in a public school again.

@ Alicia - If a Principal ever decides to hire this woman, I am pretty sure the world has already ended, so you won't have to worry.

@ hostage - Face glitter is totally okay. In fact, I might buy my wife some for her birthday... if she was turning 12.

@ Givinya - OH, tangle your words! I am not a smart man.

@ jarnebrand - Yes, always exciting, but this is a first for me.

@ Queenie - Well, she is a "aide", but she also told me she has two kids of her own.

@ Scott - HA HA! Seinfeld references always welcome on the Blog O' Cheese.

@ Venessa - Your former aide and this woman actually might be the same person. She kept looking over at my computer to see what I was doing.

@ Sara - Is the twin a man with enhancements?

@ Empress - Thanks.

@ Lori - Could be! Mustached woman was very loud. Was Ashlee's teacher loud?

@ Nancy C - Ha ha! She did say she had a young son...

ScoMan said...

I thought it was weird her just volunteering to show people, but I guess if you spend that much money you want to show it off.

Like a new car or TV. Sure it's great for you, but what you really want is the compliments and a bit of jealousy from your friends and coworkers.

Farmers Wife said...

I tried to laugh but I snorted instead.

NerdyRedneck Rob said...

You had me at "low cut blouse".

We may have cause and effect reversed here? Perhaps meth leads to bedazzlement?

Still, see was trying to look her best for a school event; ya gotta give her a little credit! :)