I will often get emails from across the land regarding the mysterious man known only as "Cheeseboy". I've given a few much thought in the ways of thinking and such and have thus decided to answer a few on this day.
From Beatrice Junnison of Harlotton Township, Georgia:
Q: Who are some of your life heroes?
A: Well, of course there is Ricky Martin and Clay Aiken for having the courage to announce what we all knew ten years ago.
But really, I'd say the first guy that ever put in contact lenses has to be my number 1 hero. Back then, the contacts were made of actual glass. What if someone handed you a small piece of glass and told you to stick it in your eye because it would make you see better; and no one else had tried it?
To me, that is the very definition of "hero". My hats off to you, Mr. First Contact Lense Man.
From Sherman Hopeswattle of Heartyback, Virginia:
Q: Which celebrity male does your wife find most attractive?
A: I am a little perturbed at your line of questioning, Mr. Hopeswattle. In fact, your overly personal inquiry has me wanting to hunt you down with my John Locke knives and... ask your wife that same question. How would it make you feel? My wife's fake love interests are none of your business and I hold them in the highest degree of confidentiality.
However, while we are on the subject, she once told me she found Ben Stiller to be attractive, which actually explains a lot about her attraction to me. Either she has a thing for freakishly hairy, awkward Jewish guys OR she falls for the funny man. I have a feeling it is actually a combination of both.
However, this theory does not explain her other celebrity crush, Patrick Swayze. He was neither funny, hairy or Jewish. What did that guy have going for him anyway?
I've got it! My wife falls for men that are: 1. freakishly hairy, awkward Jewish guys OR 2. funny men OR 3. guys that can dance. I am a wickedly whimsical dancer. (I'm sort of a combination of Usher and 'The Nard Dog'. Definitely more of the Andy Bernard than Usher though)
From Shaunita Sloppingpants of Carney, California:
Q: How do you stay in such great shape?
A: I mix up my routine. Besides jogging, I do a lot of kegels while I watch tv. ("Kegels" is when you sit on the couch and flex your back while you watch TV, right? Dang, I started watching that Dr. Oz at just a minute or two too late)
Besides the jogging and the daily kegels, I also stay limber by daily light saber fights with my First Graders and swinging on the rope in the gym.
As far as my diet goes, I am able to maintain my stomach mass by supplementing water with large amounts of Pepsi and Mt. Dew. I also sit almost constantly on my couch, which really works the buttocks. So between the kegels and the buttock sitting, I could probably almost cut out the jogging all together.
From Kelvin H. Samhawer of Franklin, Idaho:
Q: Is that cartoon man in your header an exact likeness of you?
A: Why yes, yes it is. I look exactly like that.
Now if you will excuse me, I need to get back to my kegel exercises. Remarkably, I find that they also do wonders for my dancing!