Welcome class to our next topic of learning and discussion. Take your seats for today I will focus on how to avoid embarrassing awkwardness while on a double date at an athletic event. (Wives, be sure to sit next to each other. You'll learn why in just a moment)
I know many of you are wondering what kind of awkwardness could exist at a sporting event. Well, let me ask you a couple important questions:
1. HAVE YOU GIVEN ANY CONSIDERATION AT ALL TO THE SEATING ARRANGEMENT?
2. HAVE YOU GIVEN ANY CONSIDERATION AT ALL TO THE ARRANGEMENT OF THE SEATING?!
I realize that those two questions are one and the same. However, I felt that it needed to be repeated as to emphasize the significance of this potentially cumbersome state of affairs.
With the help of some graphs I created on graphjam.com, lets take a look at some of the options:
Option 1 - The husband, wife, husband, wife pattern.
This is by far the worst possible configuration of people imaginable for this situation. However, it is the most common folly I see people make. Lets take under consideration that 95% of wives could care less about the actual game itself and that many will pretend to like to go under the false pretense of: "I enjoy people watching." Yeah right!
ANYWAY, using this seating pattern, what ends up happening is:
1) Wife A and Wife B are extremely bored. 2) Husband A and Husband B are forced to give each other high fives across Wife A and in her face. 3) Husband B then feels obligated to give a very awkward high five to Wife A. 4) Wife B completely gets left out of the high fiving.
PEOPLE: Think about this before you casually sit down. This works for nobody!
Option 2 - Wife A and Wife B move to the middle to chat, while Husbands A and B are relegated to the ends.
Yes, this solves all of the problems that option A presents, however, it brings up two new problems:
1) Husband A and husband B are now yelling at each other from afar after a great game. 2) High fives are nearly impossible. Husband A and Husband B are not going to reach all the way across two women to high five. AND the responsibility to start the wave of high fives is upon the inside person's head. Women are not going to spontaneously start high fiving - especially when they're in a deep discussion about how The Bachelor is a jerk.
No, Option 2 is a guaranteed failure, especially for the husbands. Moving from Option A to Option B will only make things worse.
Option 3 - Husbands move together and sit in a pair and wives move together and sit in a pair.
It's the perfect solution really. Everyone is happy, right?
- Wrong! -
1) Some wives feel this moral obligation that they HAVE to sit by their husbands at all times and Husband A is clearly not next to his wife which obviously means he is either unfaithful or is holding a grudge. 2) Husband B still has to overhear the ridiculous conversation about the floozies on 'The Bachelor' and what they did in the hot tub. (Not time machine this time)
Option 4 - Same as option 3 EXCEPT there is a buffer chair between them. (Unfortunately, ONLY an option at Utah basketball games and other sparsely attended events)
Yes, if both wives are able to swallow their pride (good luck with that) and allow their husband's to sit by themselves, this is the most ideal situation. Husbands can high five and rejoice together. Wives can wallow in 'The Bachelor' mud until their skin falls off. Neither have to hear each other speak and the wives don't have to participate in those dorky looking high fives that wives do.
IF the wives can suck it up (again, good luck with that) and sit by themselves, I can see only two potential problems:
1) Many at the event might consider your wives a couple. 2) Your wives might change the topic from 'The Bachelor' to "Let's plot to murder our husbands for abandoning us at this basketball game.
Problem 1 I can live with. Problem 2 - I don't live.
So, there you have it. Your second lesson on overcoming life's awkwardness. Husbands, after rereading my advice, might I suggest forgoing options 3 and 4 and sticking with option 2? You'll be a better man for it. And alive.
P.S. - To the two Syracuse fans that flew all the way from Syracuse to Salt Lake to see your team get upset by the Butler Bulldogs, and were CRYING after the game, I say to you: I DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR YOU! Your team won a championship 6 years ago. (I am NOT kidding, they were really crying) But, to the 8 year old Syracuse boy that was crying as he left the stadium, I say: I DO feel sorry for you.
And thank you Kansas State and Xavier for one of the greatest games I have ever personally witnessed.
And thank you - two wives that sat on my right. I learned more about 'The Bachelor' at a basketball game, than in all my other years of life. I thought it was great when, with five minutes left in the first game and the crowd going crazy, you looked up and asked, "Who's playing?!" Best $65 your husband ever spent.