Friday, March 26, 2010

Cheeseboy's Guide to Overcoming Awkward Social Situations: Volume 2 - The Athletic Event Double Date

Welcome class to our next topic of learning and discussion. Take your seats for today I will focus on how to avoid embarrassing awkwardness while on a double date at an athletic event. (Wives, be sure to sit next to each other. You'll learn why in just a moment)

I know many of you are wondering what kind of awkwardness could exist at a sporting event. Well, let me ask you a couple important questions:


I realize that those two questions are one and the same. However, I felt that it needed to be repeated as to emphasize the significance of this potentially cumbersome state of affairs.

With the help of some graphs I created on, lets take a look at some of the options:

Option 1 - The husband, wife, husband, wife pattern.

This is by far the worst possible configuration of people imaginable for this situation. However, it is the most common folly I see people make. Lets take under consideration that 95% of wives could care less about the actual game itself and that many will pretend to like to go under the false pretense of: "I enjoy people watching." Yeah right!

ANYWAY, using this seating pattern, what ends up happening is:

1) Wife A and Wife B are extremely bored. 2) Husband A and Husband B are forced to give each other high fives across Wife A and in her face. 3) Husband B then feels obligated to give a very awkward high five to Wife A. 4) Wife B completely gets left out of the high fiving.

PEOPLE: Think about this before you casually sit down. This works for nobody!

Option 2 - Wife A and Wife B move to the middle to chat, while Husbands A and B are relegated to the ends.

Yes, this solves all of the problems that option A presents, however, it brings up two new problems:

1) Husband A and husband B are now yelling at each other from afar after a great game. 2) High fives are nearly impossible. Husband A and Husband B are not going to reach all the way across two women to high five. AND the responsibility to start the wave of high fives is upon the inside person's head. Women are not going to spontaneously start high fiving - especially when they're in a deep discussion about how The Bachelor is a jerk.

No, Option 2 is a guaranteed failure, especially for the husbands. Moving from Option A to Option B will only make things worse.

Option 3 - Husbands move together and sit in a pair and wives move together and sit in a pair.

It's the perfect solution really. Everyone is happy, right?

- Wrong! -

Two problems:

1) Some wives feel this moral obligation that they HAVE to sit by their husbands at all times and Husband A is clearly not next to his wife which obviously means he is either unfaithful or is holding a grudge. 2) Husband B still has to overhear the ridiculous conversation about the floozies on 'The Bachelor' and what they did in the hot tub. (Not time machine this time)

Option 4 - Same as option 3 EXCEPT there is a buffer chair between them.
(Unfortunately, ONLY an option at Utah basketball games and other sparsely attended events)

Yes, if both wives are able to swallow their pride (good luck with that) and allow their husband's to sit by themselves, this is the most ideal situation. Husbands can high five and rejoice together. Wives can wallow in 'The Bachelor' mud until their skin falls off. Neither have to hear each other speak and the wives don't have to participate in those dorky looking high fives that wives do.

IF the wives can suck it up (again, good luck with that) and sit by themselves, I can see only two potential problems:

1) Many at the event might consider your wives a couple. 2) Your wives might change the topic from 'The Bachelor' to "Let's plot to murder our husbands for abandoning us at this basketball game.

Problem 1 I can live with. Problem 2 - I don't live.

So, there you have it. Your second lesson on overcoming life's awkwardness. Husbands, after rereading my advice, might I suggest forgoing options 3 and 4 and sticking with option 2? You'll be a better man for it. And alive.

You're welcome.

P.S. - To the two Syracuse fans that flew all the way from Syracuse to Salt Lake to see your team get upset by the Butler Bulldogs, and were CRYING after the game, I say to you: I DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR YOU! Your team won a championship 6 years ago. (I am NOT kidding, they were really crying) But, to the 8 year old Syracuse boy that was crying as he left the stadium, I say: I DO feel sorry for you.

And thank you Kansas State and Xavier for one of the greatest games I have ever personally witnessed.

And thank you - two wives that sat on my right. I learned more about 'The Bachelor' at a basketball game, than in all my other years of life. I thought it was great when, with five minutes left in the first game and the crowd going crazy, you looked up and asked, "Who's playing?!" Best $65 your husband ever spent.


Tammy said...

Great points Abe! I rarely go to sporting events so luckily I don't run into this often but I've always wondered how to handle it. You didn't really offer a solution that works.

Normally I would say Chart # 3 (but I would have wife B sit by husband B) but I'd never thought that someone might get the wrong idea and think each set is a couple.

P.S. On option #1, Idea #1, you spelled bored as board :)

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

This is rather hilarious. I like all the detailed work you put into these different strategies. I suggest the wives just skip the damn game altogether and just go shopping together.

Ashlee said...

Oh Abe. I don't know if you recently added your "best of year..." stuff on the side bar or not but I just saw it for the first time tonight. I read a lot of them and will probably have the giggles all night. I do have to ask though... do you realize how often you blog about your/your children's poop? Ewwww. And yet... it kept me laughing so I guess it's not really a complaint. I just wonder if you are conscious of it. Anyway I'm glad you decided to be a blogger again after that short hiatus. You always give me a good laugh!

CynthiaK said...

That's a heck of a lot of thought put into this. Who knew it was so complicated. But thankfully we have you to clear it up for us.

Nice to see you at Crumbs this week. And glad you like my music selections. :)

Teachinfourth said...

Wow, I never realized just how complicated the seating at such an event could be...

Sco said...

Awesome post! And very jealous. What a game to attend in person!

SueLovesCherries said...

I'm so glad you stopped by It's A Very Cherry World! on "Rednesday"! Fate has brought us together; otherwise, how would you have known that cheese is my all time favorite food? (especially cheeseburgers)

First grade teacher, huh? You must have a blast - kids that age are quite unique!

Beth said...

Maybe you should start a second career as a social event planner? But I think wives everywhere would prefer to just take the ticket money and go to Cheesecake Factory and the mall while the guys are at the game. (This option also allows the guys to live!)

tammy said...

Like Beth, I would prefer Option #5 - men go to the game, women go shopping.

Cheeseboy said...

@ Tammy 1 - you know me and spelling.

@Rawkn - I think most women agree, but my wife hates shopping. Not sure what is wrong with her in that area.

@ Ashlee - I am so glad to provide you with entertainment.

@ Cynthia- That's what I'm here for. Like I say - you're welcome.

@ Teachinfourth - Complicated doesn't begin to describe it.

@ Scott - It was amazing. I think I am going to do a separate post about it.

@ Sue - Your blog is quite good. My wife will enjoy it... she is a huge bargain shopper.

@ Beth - If my wife is going to the Cheesecake Factory, I better be invited.

@ Tammy2 - I'm good with that... if only my wife liked shopping