The incorporable, much beloved, profoundly plodded Corey Haim was found dead today. (It is beyond despairing. I spent the majority of the day rolled up in the fetal position, which is a very difficult thing to do while you are trying to teach First Grade)
Fortunately, amazingly and ironically, when he was found, his hair still had perfect bounce and body. It was... a miniature Cory miracle during a time of great melancholy in the land.
This sad turn of events has had me questioning my own mortality. First of all, am I mortal? (I have been touched by Jacob. My apologies... a little LOST inside humor there) Secondly, if I am mortal, will I die? And finally... How would my life be different if I had accepted the offer to become the third "Cory" back in 1984? (The other "Cory" being Cory Feldman of "the two Corys" fame)
I have thus created the following "alternative timeline" (Another LOST drop. Again, my apologies) that explains how my life would have been different today had my numbskulled, overpaid agent simply said "yes" to allowing the Corys to be thrice. Let's take a closer look:
December 21, 1984 - My agent receives a phone call from the Corys. They are deeply interested in adding a third Corey to their duo. This time, my agent tells them that I (Abe) am in fact very interested - that I have the perfect "Cory" face and that I will soon be puffing out my hair in an extreme "Cory" style to meet their specifications.
December 28, 1984 - I purchase a levi jacket and some bandannas at a local mall.
January 12, 1985 - I legally change my name to "Korey", using the K as a method to tell me apart from the other two Corys. My mom is not thrilled, but she gladly accepts a residual check from a Cory.
January 16, 1985 - Work begins on our first feature film together as a "Corey-fied Threesome". The film is called, 'The Toehead Boys' and makes over 64 million at the box office. I play "Little Toe-E" - an adorable toe head with a lisp and a dopey attitude. I am instantly famous.
June 24, 1985 - Corey Feldman and I get in our first publicized argument. Corey refuses to allow me access to his pet zebra that Michael Jackson gave him as a housewarming gift.
September 12, 1988 - After a run of several successful films with the Coreys, I branch out on my own for the first time. I play "Chip", a reoccurring character on 'Family Ties'. Chip is an adorable toe head that has an unfortunate lisp.
September 22, 1988 - I try my first shot crack with some chick I only knew as "Mallory Keaton". I am 12 years old.
March 8, 1989 - I began work on my most famed and acclaimed role - "Mick", an adorable toe head with an unfortunate lisp in the movie 'Stand By Me II'. I am the first and only Corey to ever receive an Oscar nomination.
July 8, 1990 - I accept my first and only Nickelodeon "Kid Choice" award for my work in "Goonies". During my acceptance speech, I am slimed... Double Dare style.
August 8, 1990 - I am admitted into rehab after my mom catches me trying to smoke Double Dare slime.
January 6, 1991 - My career rebounds when I am named a new Mouseketeer.
January 8, 1991 - My career tailspins when the New Mouseketeers is canceled.
October 28, 1996 - After a five year absence from acting, I play "Janitor #2" in an episode of 'Friends'. My work goes largely unnoticed by the critics.
November 18, 1996 - I reunite with the Cory's for a reunion concert. The boyband 'All-4-One' perform their #1 smash, I Swear while we Corey's lock arms in and sway in unison.
February 1, 1997 - I star as "Grocer #3" on 'Malcom in the Middle'.
March 2, 2000 - After a long absence from acting, I am readmitted to rehab. This time, it is not fake rehab.
December 8, 2000 - My career comes full circle as I am cast as "Billy" in the movie 'Not Another Adult Movie Staring Former Child Stars'. Billy is an adult toe head with a bad lisp.
January 16, 2002 - I begin work on the project 'Celebrity Fit Club 1'. I play myself, only 80 pounds overweight and with an embarrassing lisp.
January 28, 2002 - After losing 6 pounds on 'Celebrity Fit Club 1', I storm off the set after yelling "LINE!... LINE!!!" to no avail. A group of confused former actors applaud as I leave the set. I swear at them, but they do not understand me - on account of the lisp.
March 12, 2010 - I attend the funeral of my best friend, Corey Haim.
March 19, 2010 - My fourth wife gives birth to our first son (8th overall). We name him Corey, after Corey of the "three Coreys" fame.
Man, life could have been soooo much better if my agent had just said yes all those years ago!