Wednesday, March 24, 2010

There is no crying in 'The Biggest Loser"! (Or is it, "there is ONLY crying in 'The Biggest Loser'"?)

My wife is on a 'Biggest Loser' loop-di-loop and it seems that I am the reluctant bozo that gets dragged along on the ride. It's worse than being stuck on "The Bat".

For those that don't know, The Biggest Loser is...

Who am I kidding; you know what The Biggest Loser is. (Unless, of course, your television has been auctioned off for extra World of Warcraft Blue Mt. Dew)

We watch all 6 1/2 hours per week on NBC. I should clarify... My wife watches 6 1/2 hours. I spend 4 of those hours with my laptop and the other 2 1/2 cringing. It's not just NBC's insistence of showing the lumpy spandex, man boobs and other sweaty knobs (Allow these people some dignity... please!) that should not be seen in prime time, or at any time for that matter.

The thing that really gets to me is the crying. It is almost constant through all 6 1/2 hours. They whimper and grieve about almost everything.

I am sure that 95% of the weight they lose is simply through tears. I read that you can cry up to 80% of your water weight in a single sitting.

Here's a typical episode.

"Well then do it Joelle. Stop saying all these words, quit talking. I'm sick of just words, words, words, talk , talk , talk. Shut up! Just do it. Just stop talking and do it."

Tears drop slowly to floor.

"I know it's hard and I know it hurts. But you can do it."

Sniff sniff. I can't. Sniff.

"Unless You Puke, Faint or Die, Keep Going!"

Shut up Jilian! Everyone knows you used to be a man.


[Weeping] You are so cruel Julian.

"You just look at a bagel and your butt gets bigger!"

Really? I do like bagels. Sniff.

"Let's see, how can I describe the last chance workout,...Beatings, beatings, beatings, beatings, beatings, beatings, beatings, beatings, .... And when we're done with that, ... some more Beatings!!"

Snort. Grunt. Sob. Sob.

"I believe in you, so why don't you believe in yourself?"

Because I'm weak! I'm weak and I am weak. Slobber.

"Every time you lay down, I'm gonna think, 'Dead Father.' "

Why are you so mean? I - sniff - just want to live!

"That's 476 reasons why I'm here!"

That is so touching. I can't stop crying. Everything touches me. I'm on the ranch. The ranch makes me cry.

"I'm sorry to say, you are not the Biggest Loser".

That's it. Can you die of over-weep-ation? These are my friends. MY FRIENDS!


tammy said...

So what you're saying is I can cry off those 10 pounds I want to lose? Where's my kleenex?

Tyler and Lyndsay said...

I think I am the only person that DOESN'T watch this show. Sniff. Sniff.

FluffyChicky said...

Jillian used to be a man...ha ha ha ha!

Pedaling said...

just rummaged through your site,
and this may be the best man blog i have ever seen!

CoLiE-O said...

hi cheese man. thanks for stoppin by my blog.
nothing is better than curling up on the lay-z-boy with some butta'd popcorn and watching the biggest loser. true story. reality check for me :)

Alicia said...

i flippin love the biggest loser... but i can only watch it if i have a delicious carbonated beverage in one hand and some deliciously fattening treat in the other...

Vagabond Teacher said...

I've never actually watched more than 10 minutes of this at at time...I had no idea it was on for 6.5 hours per week! It seems like it would be much better with a few robots at the bottom of the screen making comments.

Cheeseboy said...

@ Tammy. That is exactly what I am saying.

@ Lyndsay - No, every man alive does not watch this show.

Fluffy - It's true.

Pedaling - Thank you.

Colie - As long as it is fat free butter.

Alecia - As long as it is diet carbonation.

Vegabond - I think that it actually 10 hours per week during sweeps.

NerdyRedneck Rob said...

"Shut up Jilian! Everyone knows you used to be a man."

THAT'S IT! Every time I see her I keep thinking there is something, something just on the tip of my brain that I just can't quite get it but THAT’S IT! In hindsight the Adams apple and the hairy knuckles are the dead give aways!!!

Cheeseboy said...

Ha ha Nerdy! Hairy knuckles.

Teachinfourth said...

And to think, by not having TV, I'm missing out on all of this…

…what a blessing.

Teachinfourth said...
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