Sunday, March 28, 2010

3 ways to have a happy marriage while maintaining your lazy lifestyle.

I am not a smart man. In fact, I am a legal idiot in 28 out of the 53 states (including Guam).

Despite my idiotocracies and boneheadedness, I have figured out a thing or two about maintaining a happy marriage while remaining lazy. In actuality, Ihave figured a few schemes that will ultimately allow you to keep your beloved wife happy with very little work.

NOTE: I wrote these three suggestions with husbands in mind. However, after rereading them, I have realized that they would work just as well for the wives. Also, to you wives out there, I say to you - I have given some insight into the mind and ways of the man. If you call your husband on one of these disgusting behaviors, please - you did not hear it here!

NOTE II: I realize that by sharing these 3 secrets, I am effectively ending my ability to use them with my own wife. I do this as a favor to you, my loyal readers. You may thank me in the comments.

1. The toilet paper roll.

I hate replacing that darned thing. Sometimes I have to do that waddle over to the sink and grab a new package. This is a dismal experience. However, at the same time, I hate catching grief from my wife when I leave just the cardboard tube without replacing it. A 'Catch 22' to be sure.

Rule: Always leave at least five squares on the roll. If that means using only one square to wipe, so be it. Just ensure that the one square you use is a strong square. By following this rule of thumb, you will never have to replace a roll or hear about how you left only the cardboard center. (By "rule of thumb" I did not mean to imply that you would be needing to use your thumb to follow this rule. Also, it's always a good rule of thumb to specify if a thumb is actually needed in your rule of thumb)

2. The package of Oreos.

It's hard not to want to eat the last of the Oreos, but if you do, that means that you will have to make this whole other trip all the way to the garbage can to throw away the trash. (In my house, that is at least 20 feet!) Leave it in the cupboard and you will most certainly hear, "What kind of person eats all the Oreos and just leaves the garbage?" Or, "What kind of person eats all the Oreos and just leaves one left?" You don't want to be that kind of person. Your wife would have never married that kind of person!

Rule: Always leave at least 3 Oreos in the package. I know you will be tempted eat those last three, but have some self control man! Don't do it. It will only bring you grief. (I suppose you could just throw away the empty package, but that brings us back to the long walk to the garbage can)

3. Underwear.

I actually picked up this hint from a female teacher I work with, but it has worked wonders for me.

If you are a lazy jerk - such as I - you hate to do laundry. But there is a simple fix that will allow you to never have to do laundry again...

Rule: Always own one more pair of underwear than your spouse. When laundry day comes, you are good for another day. Your spouse, however, will HAVE to do the laundry if they want fresh drawers in the morning. It's foolproof.


Heather and Jake said...

In our house it's better to just leave the three oreos. Even if you were to throw away the empty package there is definetly going to be hard feelings that you ate the last of them without offering at least one of the remaining three.

Beth said...

And just how long has Mrs. Cheese been living with you and your fascinating insights on life, love, marriage ... and sporting events?

Nikki said...

Fantastic tips. Now I realize what's been going on with the last few squares of t.p. I completely have to echo Heather and Jake's comment. My hubby would be in big trouble for finishing the package. big time.

tammy said...

I can see my husband needs to take your full course in marital bliss. In my house, the t.p. roll gets replaced, but only halfway. He gets it out of the cupboard, but only lays it on top of the empty roll. How do I get him to actually place it on the roll?

The empty cookie package? He'll walk it over to the garbage can, but if the garbage is full, instead of taking it out, he'll just leave the empty container on the cupboard right next to the garbage. I guess he can't take it out without an invitation from me?

The laundry thing we have no issues with, other than his "special towels" for washing his car with, but I won't go into that now.

sacdaddy said...

Abe, Thank you for #3! How did I not know this? Genious!

Sco said...

Genius post! I accidentally discovered #3 by being lazy - a few years ago, I bought a slew of underwear just so that I could go more than a couple weeks without having to do the laundry. The big stinky pile o' skivvies is livable. And then the laundry fairy would do the laundry before I did. However, I'm more anal than my wife when it comes to other areas. So we're both lazy in different ways. Plus, my wife reads your blog, too. Zero sum game for me, unfortunately.

That was mighty big of you to upset the balance of laziness in your household. Thanks for the pointers and the laughs.

Queenie Jeannie said...

Ohmygosh! This is hysterical!!! And my husband does all three of these things, and more!

It's funnier when YOU do it though....

NerdyRedneck Rob said...

Ah Cheeseboy, with all due respect to your inherent genius here you are totally missing it! This is why God made children! “Son, take out the trash then replace the toilet roll and do the laundry! Don’t give me that look or the Wii will be in my room for a w week!”

What the hell is the point is squirting these little creatures out if not to engage them in slave labor! I mean seriously! :)

I mean mine has facial hair now and I STILL have him shampooing carpets!

Babe in Boysland said...

Dear Cousin- I love your blog and I'm a big ole stinkin jerk because I never comment, even when I'm laughing out loud at my computer all by myself, I should comment- but I don't. So I'm taking the opportunity now.

Jeff has had this whole underwear thing down since the day we were married. He's ALWAYS had more than me by far. I'm taking some of it away so he'll do some wash. Mwah ha ha. No, actually, because then he WILL do the laundry and put my "reshape and dry flat" stuff in the dryer. I can't run that risk. I guess he wins.

Cheeseboy said...

@ Heather - You definitely have a point.

@ Beth - We just celebrated anniversary #12. We got married young though (22 &21)

@ Nikki - Thanks for commenting. Feel free to share the tips with your husband.

@ Tammy - Hilarious! Your husband sounds a lot like me. Tell your husband that I might be teaching a course at the SLCC next semester. I'll get you the course number ASAP.

Steve - You're welcome.

Scott - I guess I need to start a private man blog and only invite men.

Queenie - I am very interested in the "and more!"

Nerdy - Clearly, I need to take your course in your fathering class. My boys need to get their tails in gear.

Cousin - Thanks for commenting once again. Please, feel free to comment anytime. Jeff and I grew up together, so I imagine we share some of the same lazy tendencies.

Darrin.. said...

HATE HATE HATE replacing the roll, but I hate being caught w/o a roll of T.P. worse! My solution.. I have a secret "DAD roll" stashed just in case!