Sunday, March 28, 2010
3 ways to have a happy marriage while maintaining your lazy lifestyle.
I am not a smart man. In fact, I am a legal idiot in 28 out of the 53 states (including Guam).
Despite my idiotocracies and boneheadedness, I have figured out a thing or two about maintaining a happy marriage while remaining lazy. In actuality, Ihave figured a few schemes that will ultimately allow you to keep your beloved wife happy with very little work.
NOTE: I wrote these three suggestions with husbands in mind. However, after rereading them, I have realized that they would work just as well for the wives. Also, to you wives out there, I say to you - I have given some insight into the mind and ways of the man. If you call your husband on one of these disgusting behaviors, please - you did not hear it here!
NOTE II: I realize that by sharing these 3 secrets, I am effectively ending my ability to use them with my own wife. I do this as a favor to you, my loyal readers. You may thank me in the comments.
1. The toilet paper roll.
I hate replacing that darned thing. Sometimes I have to do that waddle over to the sink and grab a new package. This is a dismal experience. However, at the same time, I hate catching grief from my wife when I leave just the cardboard tube without replacing it. A 'Catch 22' to be sure.
Rule: Always leave at least five squares on the roll. If that means using only one square to wipe, so be it. Just ensure that the one square you use is a strong square. By following this rule of thumb, you will never have to replace a roll or hear about how you left only the cardboard center. (By "rule of thumb" I did not mean to imply that you would be needing to use your thumb to follow this rule. Also, it's always a good rule of thumb to specify if a thumb is actually needed in your rule of thumb)
2. The package of Oreos.
It's hard not to want to eat the last of the Oreos, but if you do, that means that you will have to make this whole other trip all the way to the garbage can to throw away the trash. (In my house, that is at least 20 feet!) Leave it in the cupboard and you will most certainly hear, "What kind of person eats all the Oreos and just leaves the garbage?" Or, "What kind of person eats all the Oreos and just leaves one left?" You don't want to be that kind of person. Your wife would have never married that kind of person!
Rule: Always leave at least 3 Oreos in the package. I know you will be tempted eat those last three, but have some self control man! Don't do it. It will only bring you grief. (I suppose you could just throw away the empty package, but that brings us back to the long walk to the garbage can)
I actually picked up this hint from a female teacher I work with, but it has worked wonders for me.
If you are a lazy jerk - such as I - you hate to do laundry. But there is a simple fix that will allow you to never have to do laundry again...
Rule: Always own one more pair of underwear than your spouse. When laundry day comes, you are good for another day. Your spouse, however, will HAVE to do the laundry if they want fresh drawers in the morning. It's foolproof.