Monday, June 23, 2008

Maybe I feel so bad for Jackasses because I am one?

Okay, before I go on our vacation (Note to the stalkers or burglars that read my blog: Our house is heavily guarded by dogs, an alarm system, robots and a few cowboys.  Plus, I placed a few booby traps around the house, an idea that I got from Home Alone.  Oh, and our house is haunted and my dad is staying here with his guns.) I have to tell you how I totally flipped my canister today.

I recently added this cool feature to my blog called "sitemeter".  It allows you to see how many visitors you have, what state they are located in and what site referred them to you.  I noticed recently that I have had the same strange visitor to my site.  They stay for at least an hour and they visit all sorts of pages.  It is always the same IP address and from the same Mac computer.

Well, the first time I noticed that they were on for two hours, I was flattered.  Someone must have found my blog and read every single post!  I am an extremely important person.  People want to know stuff about me.  I live an interesting life.

Time went by and I noticed that this person was watching my blog almost constantly.  My flattery quickly turned to the kind of fear that I have only seen in movies like Cape Fear and any movie staring Jodie Foster, including "Anna and the King".  This person had a sick obsession with me.  Why were they spending so much time on my blog?  What if they were outside my house right now with one of those giant torpedo guns that you shoot sharks with?

 After researching it a bit, I learned that the person was on a Mac and using Safari.  Hmmm, could be a fellow teacher from my school as we all have Macs?  I was puzzled.  

I went to Cathi more than once with my concerns.  I told her that I was considering making my blog private and that I would use double stick duct tape to lock it up.  I also assured her that no matter how beautiful this crazy supermodel was that was stalking me, that she should have no worries as I was in love with her and remain faithful always.  

Tonight I noticed that this person was on my blog AT THAT EXACT TIME.  I immediately readied a post:  "WHO IS ON MY BLOG RIGHT NOW????"  It then hit me.

What if the person stalking me was me?  What if I was my own worst enemy?  I had a Mac.  I used Safari.  I decided to check my IP address. I am officially crazy.  I was chasing myself the entire time.  Cathi laughed and laughed at me and is still laughing.  I had felt worthy of a stalker, then worried that I had a stalker, then realized that I was stalking myself.  

What is possibly even more pathetic is that I am blogging about it now.  

***Your future comments/questions answered here:
1. Yes, I had the sitemeter on "do not count your own computer as a visitor" but I deleted my cookies and that somehow undid this setting.
2. No, I was not on my blog for 2 hours at a time like sitemeter  stated.  The only explanation I have for this is that Macs do not automatically shut down your internet connection when you close your browser.  If you have a better explanation, I'd like to hear it.
3. Yes, I have reached new levels of moronity and self congratulatory, foul-smelling excrement.
4. No, I don't really want a stalker. 
5. No, I do not own a torpedo gun.

Oh yeah, one other thing... the robots have lasers!


Ike said...

You should be careful about posting that you're leaving on vacation. Because I might just rob you.

Cheeseboy said...

Go ahead and try. I want to see if my booby traps work. Specifically, the tiger pit (think Swiss Family Robinson)

tim & brandi said...

Are you sure it wasn't us?? I'm on here a lot, but that's just because I'm a slow reader. That combined with an 11 month old who is very distracting means that at any given moment during the day you can look at our computer and see that your blog is open on one of the tabs.


Tammy said...

I could be your stalker too Abe. Like Brandi said, sometimes I'm on your site and get distracted with something. Or sometimes I'm looking at it and hit the wrong button that takes me out so I go right back in. Sometimes I look around at other sites you have linked to yours. But I think that sitemeter thing is a scam. I've had days where it says 16 people check my blog (and it doesn't count myself) and I don't even have 16 people invited!

Cheeseboy said...

Oh great, I have even more stalkers than I thought. Yes, it was for sure me. Cathi checked our other computer and it had the same IP address as the alleged stalker.

Oh, and Tammy...the reason that you had 16 visitors is that people are checking your blog more than once a day. If I visit your site 6 times, it will show up as 6 visits.

Tammy said...

Good to know!

Lori said...

That is so funny Abe!!! That is definetly one of the reasons my blog is just never know who is out there...but I never thought about protecting myself and my kids from me!!! Oh, and is probably me knocking up your sitemeter number...sometimes I do check it 10 times a day if it's slow around here....I guess I am STALKING YOU....get posting!!!

emma said...

I laughed my guts out!