Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Ways in which I would make church better.

Am I cynical? I feel I tend to be a bit on the cynical side when I write about all things church. I am not sure why this is, I generally enjoy church. I have, however, thought of ways to improve things if I were the man in charge. I am not talking about major theological or methodological changes; I am talking about those small things that could be improved upon.

Also, this is my unofficial ploy to never be called as the Bishop.

1. The pulpit up/down is run by remote control by a mysterious guest in the congregation.

2. All faster hymns must be done in "rounds".

3. Everyone gets a turn to ring the bell. Everyone. It's not fair that only one guy gets to ring the bell. That bell button is always so high on the wall. I say, lower the bell button and build a plastic case around it like the button on "Deal or No Deal". I really want to ring the bell.

4. All people no matter what age or height, when bearing their testimonies, must use the step stool.

5. Any hearing aid that inadvertently rings during a meeting is immediately confiscated. The same goes for cell phones. If someone's hearing aid and cell phone ring at the same time, the person is forcefully removed. And by "forcefully", I mean a couple gruff Deacons push them around and rough them up a little bit. And by "gruff Deacons" I mean the ones that wear tennis shoes to church and have hair over their ears.

6. Pinball machines in the foyers. But only "Book of Mormon" pinball.

7. RC Willey sponsored "Best Seats In The House" in the back row.

8. Themed days, such as "Bolo Tie Sunday" or "Wear Your Crocs To Church" Day.

9. During lulls during the Fast meeting, the deacon holding the traveling mike must hum "Sweet Hour Of Prayer" into the microphone until someone else stands up.

10. Complimentary travel pillows provided under every pew.


Tammy said...

I love #2 and #9. Especially #2.

sacdaddy said...

Consider yourself lucky. Our new building here in the holiest of holy cities, Draper, on top of the mountain, doesn't even have a bell. I feel like they've been cutting a lot of corners on these new buildings. We don't have a stage, or related curtains for swinging on either.

Ike said...

I have a feeling if the deacons were required to hum there'd be a lot less down time between testimonies. Brilliant.

Doug said...

wow! If this took place, I would go back to church. Chase and I always wanted to do a polygamist dance in high school where you dress up like em but every guy has to have at least 3 dates to the dance. we would have activities like butter churning competitions for the women and for the guys... I'll shut up now...

Cheeseboy said...

Ha ha Doug! That is hilarious. If I am ever made Bishop (HA HA HA), you can come to my ward.